tales of a clown

hits & misses this week

2010-10-10T17:27:00.004+08:00

hits and misses for this week...

so my 30 day food journo started on monday.
healthy controlled eating and no alcohol here i come.
going well so far, managed a weekend away from booze, which was a good attempt following a night out in freo and then a day out on the boat (really wanted to crack open an ice cold beer!).
week one, success! time to fill up my fridge again with perishable! WOO!

touch have been going great, find myself lasting longer on the field during games.
prolly credit that to playing conditions during uni games under blazing hot sun that makes playing at night so much easier, not to mention fun as well with the team i'm with :)

got a new blog template because HTML idiot/itchy fingers me effed up my old one :(
so hopefully pink and girly sits well with me and my readers for awhile to come.
still under construction tho, and mark my words it will prolly take awhile. heh!

lots to catch up on with uni. boo!
2 exams this week with 1 report due. 1 seminar to prepare for and 1 essay due next week.
i should buckle down, BUT had too many unexpected surprises this weekend.

for starters, saturday was a lovely day out. jetty jumping was initially on the agenda but went ahead with chilling on the boat and tubing down at deep water point with laura, thomas, andy, kim, terry, ben and awhole lotta other people. fish & chips in the park after with laura was too good to pass up. dinner catch up with daphe finally saw my first bite into this infamous flipside burger and gosh it was tasty! chilled out a mrs browns, then kulcha and x-wray for this hip-hop gig. overall i give my saturday 10 toes up and couldnt have had it any other way (sunk into books specifically!)

sunday was just a technology-shit day. my phone decided to commit suicide coz it had enough of me, so spent most of my time trying to revive it to no avail. got off my ass and headed over the harvey norman (which is quite dodgy btw!!) to get myself a new phone, and camera i've been siking myself up to get since i've just been missing too many events and moments for my memory bank. so after a day of IT-frustrations, i am now a proud new owner of a camera and a functioning phone. thanks laura for coming with!! x

had a lovely dinner catch up/hang out at jez and daph's over chicken rice, yummy homemade apple crumble and nip/tuck. which leads on to the big one this week.
after coming home from the supreme's, i slapped on my laptop to check my emails before bed.
and i clicked on one that i still cannot believe.
2 return flight tickets to Kuala Lumpur!!
valid for 6 months of travel from the lovely people of Air Asia Australia!!
I WON!! i actaully won something!!
all i did was go onto their facebook page, 'liked' them and commented on the tab 'to win a free flight' and months later, SURPRISE!
really exciting news and it gives me so much optism to push myself to do as much as i can, because the moment is NOW!!

so look out for my "around asia in 30days" journo prolly starting sometime in November for travels in December/January.
i cannot wait to plan my trip with someone and work every nook and cranny of Asia, bottom up!
couch surf, backpack, the works.
look out world, here I come!!

just gotta keep bouncing back i guess!! xx
won't lie tho, i'm not looking forward to nerd-ing it out this week :/

the moment is now!

2010-10-02T12:00:00.004+08:00

so many great things have come my way, its unreal!
(well, enough to make me forget the bad at least!!)

soooo since January, I've....
* aged 1 year; not grown an inch taller :(
* been to Bangkok and Singapore in April
* been on a roadtrip North with Casey, & my sister & cousin who visited from Singapore, stopping at Dongra, Kalbari, Coral Bay, Exmouth, Dampier. won 100Euros from a Irish backpacker for skulling half a 2L bottle of CC & coke.
* been actively playing touch rugby with a mixed team in a local league over the Winter Comp, and now in the Summer Comp playing women's and mixed!
* got a team of touchy girls together and put through a team for Uni Games which we just competed in and gotten a 'spork' :) what a great bunch of awesome fun on and off the field!

* discovered an awesome Cantonese restaurant in town that serves the BEST roast duck!! mmmmmmm!! even better that its cheap!
* had my first st patricks' day celebration down the road from home at Rosie's. went with my garden gnome which i painted to look like a lapricorn!
* met more great people!!

and my failing memory has dissapointed me, again!
that, and the convenience of facebook and photo tags here and there!

but i've recently been back to Singapore for work for a week.
what an awesome opportunity!
I got to work as an artist manager/ liaison to various acts that perfomed at 'Avalon at Large - GO!', and even the opportunity to stay in Marina Bay Sands Hotel (which was godawesome!)

I could go on hyperventilating and rambling, but pictures speak a thousand words...

I managed to catch up with my poly touch rugby team mates over a lovely sushi buffet dinner, followed by a long night of dancing that left me with toe blisters (the bloody kind!)

Marina Bay Sands hotel in Singapore. The rooms and views, and the infinity pool on the 55th story overlooking the city skyline of Singapore. (thumbs up)

Santigold trying Singapore Chill Crab at East Coast Beach, and loving it I might add. In picture with Santi backstage after her set. They're so awesome, on and off stage! I say Brooklyn we go hard!!

Rocking backstage to Empire of the Sun, and hanging with Dj Ono and Dandee from Bangkok Invaders

Backstage grooving to Make the Girl Dance, from France!! Their set was SOOOO good!!

With Chingy who made a surprise appearance and surprise set. I initially mistook him for part of Flo-Rida's crew in the hotel lobby, DOH! Also with Sir Richard Brenson in the flesh!

More dancing to Above & Beyond backstage.

Being treated to the F1 qualifying race the next day was really nice. Good time to unwind after a crazy work week.

Singapore has really changed so quickly to the point where I felt like a tourist myself. Looking onto the night skyline of Singapore, I cannot help but be reminded and proud that home is where the heart is (as well as all the good food and people I love). It still amazes me how far Singapore has progressed, almost like a city that never sleeps! Really glad for this opportunity, met really wonderful and talented people, but most of all, I got to go home and spend a weekend with my mum and sisters (over great big yummy meals of corse!!)

so right about now, it just makes me a really happy chicky.

and optimistic for many great things to come!

(gosh I'm vain!!)

forget, me not!

2010-01-17T10:59:00.004+08:00

and i never want to forget this feeling.
of how happy and lucky i am
to be blessed with such great family and friends.
i wear a permanent smile on my face,
and i wouldnt have it any other way. :)

i forgot, the simple things in life come free sometimes.
or in forms of a box full of notes.
or in a book of your sudoku puzzles.
or cute little bunny cards (for 1 year olds)
or cute little post-its and to-do lists for miss forgetful! ;)

i forget how it felt like to live high, and happy.
as life should be.
i hope i dont forget for long, because where i am now,
im indestructable.

and i wouldnt have been the person i am,
or where i am, if it wernt for each and everyone of the people in my life.
so thank you!
i realise i dont need a party to remember how lucky i am to have so many fantastic people in my life and i hope i dont get jaded and forget that!! :)

my wish came true a long time ago even before any cake, im a happy happy bunny.
(well, almost all of my wish!)
but for now, i think i might wish for some greasy breakfast like KFC
and some green tea and belly rubs! :/

heres one more: i wish 2010 brings you the love, joy, laughter and happiness,
as it has to mine!

overload

2009-12-04T14:16:00.009+08:00

gosh, has it been a semester since ive blogged??
especially when lots have been happening.
i mean, LOTS.
lets see if my colourful soap opera life fits in dotpoints....

so my new place is rad.
housewarming and halloween was every better!
messy, but better.

met someone who could've been someone,
but i guess he didnt believe in it as much as i did,
or believe in me. or himself.
and its just such a waste. ah the fragility of humans.
sometimes i wonder where i get my patience and forgiveness from.
im not a bad person and i dont know why i let myself believe that at times im not good enough.
its not my fault if you can't man up to see me standing right there before you.
cant say i would regret anything, because it only makes me want to be
a better, stronger person, for myself and people in my life who deserve it.
its another reminder that i should live for myself in the here and now.
and that i owe it to everyone else who loves and care for me,
to love and care for myself too. amen.
ps, i dont know who u think u are to insult me or more importantly my family,
but you have alot of living to do young man, and i wish you well.

new friends and old/lost friends came back into my life.
im so glad to have such great people around me.
and the way they enter or come back to you couldnt be of utmost timing,
that sometimes you just feel blessed. that maybe after all, there are greater things to come

casey palmer, i think you deserve this bit.
to the girl who once use to snob me when we both first started uni,
im glad somehow, we managed to take the chance and time to hang out.
and ive really found a great friend, partner in crime, spew buddy in you.
you're godawesome. the un-chicken, un-minion version of the adventure thrill seeker i am.
the best part is that youve seen me in my best and worst days, and you always manage to turn my frown upside down. YEEEEEEAPPWW!
and you've defo made my life a little more colourful and unsober.
i love the chick you are and the person you make me become.
you keep this emotional wreck, grounded.
undeniably the best roadtrip/travel fart buddy.

ive never felt more like a student in my life till this semester.

self paced time management, getting heaps off assignments done

just one after another and another.

but jurien bay research project was fun. no seriously, FUN!

with all the great people you meet, the fishing and squidding

(caught my first squid and it was massive!!) the boozing, late night strolls and piggy back rides, bonfires. if only the bouncy castle was still inflated!! haha.

even took my first dump in the bushes!! LOL! now thats a story.

so yep, i guess only results will tell how well the semester went for me,

tho i am pretty confident! :)

uni is getting harder. and i guess i have decisions to make in terms of how long i want to stay in perth, and if the double degree is such a good idea. oh, and mapping out my next course of action too.

but im definately gonna give applying for PR a shot.

lu-anne came to visit for a week!! :)
it was fun and comforting to have home away from home.

took her to newport, the perth royal show, freo markets and harbour for sunday sesh, llama bar and hip-e club, taco night, fishing, hillarys boat harbour, gyspy tapas, garden city.

great great great week! such fun and carefessness with smiles and laughter to prove it.

and many photos that im too lazy to upload here since its in facebook, hehe.

havnt had much time to catch up with relatives this semester.

only seen my godparents, yvette, darren and (uncle)mr eds and aunty merle over my godma's 60th which was lovely. and another time when i bumped into my godparents at kaili's.

new year's resolution #1: make more time for the people in your life.

on the flip side 2 of my cousins gt married! but i missed it because i was in perth having exams! :( i wish you both well and great happiness! pity chinese new year is the day before my term commences :( i would definately have to make it up and make time to see my grandparents. i had a dream of my grandmother! oh how i miss her and waking her up from her naps when i use to live with her when i was 'yay' tall. hehe.

speaking of weddings,

abigail jansen is getting married! or well, already has but the ceremony is next year.

and im (the shortest) one of the bridesmaids!

it took me awhile to agree to it though. i couldnt comprehend, why me?

we were never that close in secondary school to begin with, and lets face it,

neither of us were exactly the nicest of friends to each other.

but given certain happenings in my life, i decided to catch up and just go for it.

people can change, right?

right on. i think she's gone so far in life, from the person she was and grown into this woman,

who's found someone who brings out the best in her and vice versa

that she's now accomplished; with a job, marriage and clear expression of no kids in the near future (haha). im so so proud and happy for this girl, and i couldnt have been happier to be standing with her on the altar, and pulling her dress up if she needs to pee.

you really know you've found someone, when you both can just act like kids together.

new year's resolution #2: dont forget you're allowed to act like a kid once in a while.

can't wait for the wedding!

though im still routing for you to have a little one on the way soon gail!! haha.

anyway, pictures are from when i was massively hungover and whinging when we caught up for a dress fitting and a 6hr lunch and coffee date where nadia (another bridesmaid) and gail TRICKED me into eating a bloody FISH EYEBALL! :(

one movement festival was fun.
wasnt really into the acts, just went there for the company.

from mark's bday in mt lawley then into perth.

overall, pretty awesome day getting lost from people and just soaking in the atmosphere and sun and got to catch up with most of the jurien people,

and laugh at them at uni the next day when they rock up still seedy faced. hehe.

at least this time around i got to see more of perth,

or at least broaden my range of places i go to, which is good.

the highlight of the semester was the post exam days!

ROADTRIP!!

headed up north with casey and valerie and toby sitting next to me, quiet for once!

first stop, dongra- master 4wdriver hit a tree this time around, was so funny! HAHA.

stomped on ant holes, got burnt on the beach (yes even asians burn!:( )

pub dindin was really good! and drinks. and the movie 'hook' after but all of us fell asleep! HAHA.

all but toby who kept annoying val and i the whole night.

rise and shine early next morning, and off the dampier we went 12hrs straight!

mama palmer made great pasta for tea and we just relaxed.

made a curry the next day, guitar hero and love actually made for a relaxing day.

other trip highlights include quad biking (awesome!), crabbing, fishing, getting raped by flies, point samson fish and chips, wave skiing, slicing my thumb open, bbq, horse riding into the beach, mexican night and drunken mermaid nights! sick fun!!

oh! and i bumped into chris, who lives on the same street as me but we never catch up, only to see and hang out together 2000km away from perth. thats unreal! haha.

had such a blast with casey and val, made great friends. i love dampier and its lifestyle.

one week there and im mellow as a marshmellow. great (drunken) times.

especially on the last pissy night. oh so so funny, PABLO!

new year's resolution #3: live. laugh. love. and travel!

oh, and i dispise people like you who think u are gods gift to women,

who thinks u have the right to label people.

i just find it so insultingly rude that just because im asian and look so different from everyone else in the pub, that even in my flip flops and beach dress, you did what you did. theres a different between being cheeky and just a jerk. i dont know why i let you make me get so upset, but its people like you i dispise so so much who think u can get what you want.

honey, never in a million years. i hope you burn in herpes hell.

after a week of obnoxious eating and drinking, i declare, DETOX MODE!! :(

hello salads and not so much hello to yummy singapore food and alcohol.

overall, this semester with the people coming and going in my life.

ive learnt how to just be happy. easier said then done, but i try to make it a point to make sure i wake up every morning a happier, better person buldozing my way through.

definately looking forward to going up to sweden for a white christmas and spend sometime with my sisters, and my dad who i have now gotten to know in a new light.

i guess it is true, another year older, another year wiser.

so right now,

im just on a high on life :)
mellow and optimistic.

esp after the news this morning, and the happy dance i did when no one was watching.

i just know i must be doing somethings right to feel like i am on the right track.

thank you big man up there!

new year's resolution #4: BE HAPPY!! and grateful (meaning to whinge less missy!)

ps. happy holidays! i know im having them! :)

nobody but you.

2009-07-12T20:16:00.003+08:00

this is the funnest hangover day ive ever had,
hands down.

never really sleep well intoxicated.
so woke up early, force fed myself some noodles and soup
while watching push.
then spent the rest of the arvo mermaiding in bed.
bird and i just took turns doing all sorts of weird quizes on facebook.
apparently my gettho name is POOKIE,
puki means vagina in malay. WTF.
i'm missing a halo because im 0% bitchy, i have OCD,
and i need a map because im lost in your eyes.
hahaha.
phiat phiat phiat phiat.

and then i was remember all the stupid things lu and i got up to last night,
while trying to recall and equate my state of hungover-ness with how much i drank.
we had a cook up - cheesy baked rice, garlicy french fries, terriyaki salmon, veg and profiterolls
over moscato, vodka green tea and pepsi.
we watched bits of MJ's memorial...

true he was an icon and he brings the world together with his music,
more importantly, you remeber he is human;
he's someone's somebody.
i cant help but think, have I personally done enough that come my time of passing
that i'll be blessed to have people remember who i was and how i lived.
will i have made my mark on the world if not in the worlds of people close to my heart?

...anyway since we were on the youtube site, we ventured back to an old clip lu sent me before
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LniPZTtSHXU
nodoby but you by the wonder girls.
lu didnt believe me when i said i know some of the dance bits.
so i showed her, and we both ended up dancing it, WTF. haha .
in the middle of the night when everyones fast asleep u get 2 idiots giggling away
not that we did the video or dance steps any justice either!
pump room was the first stop to meet nick and the gang: olivia, cyril, jess, marcus, nick's friends tilo, william, john
bartop dancing for the chickys minus lu, who went to fetch us jaeger bombs.
i remember drinking out of the vodka bottle!! wtf was i thinking.

to zouk we trotted on. this was the highlight of the night.
the boys wanted to get hotdogs which they did.
being the lu and steph, we guarded the condiments part because...
we wanted to squeeze the sauce on the dogs!! LOL.
those who didnt let us sauce their dogs up had sauce nozzles pointed at them.
very effective i must add.
we even got creative in adding onions and relish etc.
talk about good service, we're the condiments queens :)
bumped into sean paul, and met up with sa and ian.
dancing dancing the night away, and then back to clarke quay for maccas.
that cheeseburger SO messed up my tummy for some reason.
no more drinking for me in a long while!
and no more bringing my phone out when im possibly going to get drunk!
jia yi came over. bird and her didnt believe me when i said i can do the
'nobody but you' dance.
so i did it, TWICE.
and it got me a yummo prawn noodles soup for dinner :)
thanks jia yi!

and my long time msn buddy who has been missing for ages has returned.

cliffy choppy waters poo, welcome back i missed blue.

just waiting for harpers island to start. one by one.

ill be back in perth soon.
and i can't hardly wait. :)
with so much to look forward too, i can't decide what's first!
oh, decisions decisions..

but i know im excited to live in my house.

cant believe i got the keys and flew off on the same day!!

who wouldnt be excited about a place like thi?? :)

esp the gorgeous kitchen. can't wait for our cocktail night housewarming party.

nor my taco night, wino sesh, footy game, tri nations boks vs wallabies (go boks!), movie nights, ice age 3!, scrabble ass kicking, pizza nights.

i cant remember what else, hmmmm?

knowing my next 5 steps is enough ammo to get me along just a-okly.

and i had enough of getting caught on the least favoured side,

the final straw's drawn, over my expense.

stop doing this to me, please.

ruckbee

2009-07-06T23:02:00.018+08:00

heres the low down,
with the scrum down.

it all went down at st andrew's.
and we've had a full pack of 25 girls for once.
kick off was at 745pm. subbed in second half as a loose prop!
ok, from playing in the backs,
to kinda trying hooker at training, to prop. mama?
but its true, as long as you play with a big heart,
everything else doesnt come close to mattering.

and bucks women, WAY TO GO!
way to get in there, suck it up,
rough it out, and still party the night away.

watching the earlier match at st andrews

blacks vs bucks: scrum

bucks

post match boozin at our club sponsor BQ BAR

nothing beats a cold one....

or a boatrace full!!

nor a bartop dance...

we love it!
shi han, can you handle it?

not soo much i guess, en route to our next destination,
CHINAONE for some dancing! shi hanmerlion!
organic fertilizer she says.

rocking out to the band at chinaone...

in our stripey socks theme!! :)

one for the puki!!
and look who we bumped into....

my lil sister, bird!

one of the bucks boys drunk for their golf pub crawling.

and big friendly giant matt hall!

heres to the court session that never happened

ning - you came in time to miss the boat races!

andrea - you need shoulder pads

shi han - the picture says it all

anne - because we cant get enough of your boobies

kidd - being decevingly small but a monster beer guzzler

steph k - you wore sexy heels to the game and after because you "came from church"

crystal - the "social drinker". no such thing, drinker is drinker! :)

tiffany - for the teaspoon of beer left costing us the boatrace

pei - for actually calling the disquilification !!

steph - will just drink for the hell of it

great awesome night, and we love it long time.
looking forward to ladies nights this week,
training, and possibly game in malaysia.

might be trippin back to perth next week,

so im making the most of the rest of my time.

baby, i'm a superstar! :)

tofixu

2009-07-02T11:57:00.003+08:00

do you ever question your existence?
or get the feeling that all you're meant to do,
is 'fix' someone, and you dont reap what you sow?
people can change, for the better.
and somehow this is the first thing i see in people;
their potential to change, if they tried enough.
and believe in what i see, know, and feel.

ive been in my share of relationships,
and often, its the ones that hurt the most that you remember.
you have that extra attachment to the person.
that extra ounce of faith and hope that one day they'll come around,
just suck it up, hang in there.
till the point where the rubber band is stretched snapped;
you're going in different directions.
but we learn to move on,
you learn to keep it real.

taking a step back and looking in, we all come out of relationships better people.
or at least we heal to be one,
its easier to find peace and ease guilt this way sometimes.
i feel happy to influence positive changes,
that he learnt to be a better man, the one i knew all along he was.
that he is capable of greater, bigger things, and he's building his dream.

but wouldn't you think, why the changes after me?
why not during? why not for me?
i dont think im not deserving.
was i impatient, or was it just meant to be?
the whys and why nots will forever haunt me,
with questions i cant answer, the nagging doubts.
but im content, the world could really use with better people.
and ive inscribed a few names on that wall.

im starting to resignate to my fate of 'fixing' people,
and having other people to come enjoy the benefit
when im still stuck here with thoughts echoing in my head.
and wondering, when is someone going to fix me instead?
and maybe this time,
stay.

making plans

2009-06-25T16:28:00.003+08:00

a wise man once said
"if you fail to plan, you plan to fail",
but that wise man never continued to explain,
what if that plan fails, what then?
why plan?

my plans never seem to pan out,
it often led me down different roads,
and having too much assumptions, faith and hope.
that ultimatey leads to a path of disappointments.

im a goal oriented person, naturally i make plans
based on logical current situations.
and situations change.
back at to the drawing board at square 1 i draw new contingency plans.
so how do i learn to live a day at a time.

10 years ago, i DEFINATELY didnt plan on being where i am now.
i was suppose to be sucessful even at a young age.
i never even thought id be in university.
i had so many people believe in me that made me believe in myself even more.
but life took a different path for me.
decisions i sometimes cannot comprehend.

but ive made new friends and saw myself having less good friends.
coming back 2 weeks ago you just know,
who makes the time and effort to be happy that you're back,
and catch up with you and tell lies that 'no, youre not THAT fat'.

those that remember you dont eat wasabi with your sushi so gets
seperate soy sauce dishes.
those who stay up all night lying in the dark talking about how it was like
when we were young, and laugh till the sun rises.
those who you dont see or talk to as often as you should,
but theres a silent comfort that you've known that person for so much of your life
and life to come that you're part of this big circle.
those who've popped up at intervals of your life and seen you at your many stages.
those, who've been there long long time.

just in the span of 2 weeks, i got to spend birthdays with important people in my life.
my best friend lu-anne, and the twice in a week international buffet
at fairmont hotel till my stomach was pressing my lungs.
oysters and prawns will prolly be soon in extinction. but YUM.

my good friend alyssa, whom i known since pri1.
she holds a special place in my memory and heart. shes prolly the only
person outside of my family thats seen the phases of my hairstyles, LOL!
got to see and hangout with my dear rachel as well,
i wished the clock stops when im with you the IPHONE HOGGER!!

my good friend naomi, though i havnt seen her in a long while,
my dive buddy still laughs at my cheesy texts msgs, and i miss you the most.

my dear sister tiffany, whos birthday is this sunday.
i love you best my girl. ok, maybe u have to fight that position out
with bird. she does after all spend more nights pigging out with me over
movies. but near or far, when it comes to you, i know you're always there
and i hope you remember its the same for you, and more.

i got to see and club with a few of my favourite touch girls from TP,
shimo, ruby and lu. was sad to miss haha who went to bangkok,
azlina, supi and dee, i miss you too! hopefully a kumar night before i leave.

and all this, i never planned. it just happened.
and its what i wanted and more.
so underneath it all, can someone just shoot that wise man.
his theory didnt really work for me :)
plans are hopeful routes you draw out and hope that itll pay off,
hopes come with disappointments.

well, until i feel otherwise.
eyes only lock in chick flicks and not in the real world.
i know, because nothing lasts forever.
so why plan to.

as long as i know where the people i love are,
thats where i know my heart and hopes lie,
and that's where i plan to keep it.
i feel comfort in playing it safe.

beauty in the breakdown.

hello goodbye

2009-06-18T00:09:00.002+08:00

and im holding on to the last ounce of hope and faith
that 'things' come with patience.
people always leave, ive had enough of goodbyes.
i'm never good with it.

im never good being on my own.
im just missing the part where i have that someone else,
who brings out the best in me, carefreely.
or maybe i just have to learn to do that for myself on my own.

in time.
i'll just wait to be found whilst drowning
in let downs and disappointments.
deeper and deeper as i lose sight of who i am
and where i want to be.

i'll be better, at waiting.
this game is not as fun anymore.
where somethings so simple are so simply overlooked.
im getting used to the cringing pain in this beating thing within my chest
that i'm quite liking it.

there's something out there, i can feel it
but i can't see the tracks in this darkness.
can someone hand me the torch light and hold my hand?
but for now, for tonight, after my bedside prayer
i'll fall asleep curled up like a child with a pillow behind my back;

hopeful.

blessed

2009-04-28T17:23:00.010+08:00

stephanie is blessed.
to have so many people who touch my life, in many little ways.

lulu
your understanding of my thoughts and feelings even from another continent astounds me, how we pull each other through on the same boat and brave the storm together. no one knows and understands me like you do, nor makes me laugh till its too hot to handle. i love you bestie. ps, you're not average.

rachel merrie chong chong
for being that listening ear when i least expect it. i miss you darl, and i can't wait to be back, drinkin whisky out of the bottle, not thinking about tomorrow! (and then drawing tic tac toe on your back)

charlene
for being the one and only person who cares so much, enough to want to sit and watch me cry my heart out. usually i cry alone because i'm proud like that but it actually felt darn good. no thanks can never be enough my awesome possem friend.

daniel osgodby
me guy bestie, you ze best. even though we don't speak as often as we do or should, i always know you got my back like i got yours. and when my world turns to grey, i know you will still somehow fart out a rainbow, if not a absinth shot. to my quiz night buddy who can drink shots after shots after shots and still survive to stagger to mcdonalds and catch the cab after 6am surcharge, cheers to that buddy and i call for another boatrace so i can beat more guys.

my john butler pascal
for putting the rythm back into my life in your simple hippie ways; spontaneous dancing and singing into torch lights, cooking awesome dinners which you catch especially crusty the crayfish, fellow waste of couch space over foreign films (to me at least) and for sitting through the WHOLE day of mixed touch. who knew tasteless rice bubbles without milk (pronounced mee-ilk) was so much fun popping and tossing and yum on nuttela on bread. ps, i still love milo better.

ine and anand
for the cold hard slaps of truth from prospectives ive never considered. the sense and truth that i've so stubbornly ignored or blind to see. like a rainbow after a storm, it was easier feeling unalone.

yaz
for taking charlene and i fishing. its bloody thereputhic, move over shopping theraphy. and for your kind compliments, you're my pillar of assurance.

my housemates; hani, morgan, paul, hans
for being the familiar faces i come home to everyday, like home away from home. who put up with my sulky self on my off days, when i'm just a waste of space on the couch over wii or movies after movies, leave me alone at scary movies late at night in the dark, watch me slice my thumb while making mojitoes/fingers and being cool about it, keeps my 6 o'clock simpsons spot on the couch for me. mexican night soon will be a blast.

skype!
for letting me connect with my family back home, seeing the face to the voice and my morning glory! :) i miss everyone, the safe santuary home is and its warmth admidst the crazy squeeling whining and laughter in the house of girls. am counting down the days till i'm back.

family
those that i see here once in awhile for catch ups over lunch, coffee or beer. its my escape whe the world gets hella crazy. vettie b, talking wogs and hogs over cheesy wedges, beer, wine, frengeliko as we hopped from como to windsor to burswood, made me feel hella better and normal.

kevin
you keep it real for me, dawg.

alyssa ann de souza
for just being along part of my life with cherishable memories as we grew up, studied together, played together, worked together, laughed and partied together. not many people can say 'i know her since i was 7', and its been hawsome.

hafizah hamzah
i miss your peaches, skinny ass. i can't wait to catch up with you when i'm back! gossip and updates. i miss you and our bus 23 trips.

when i'm down, i always come to think in my wandering silence.
how did i ever leave everyone i love behind?
then i've realised, i've been lucky to love.
and be loved.

to those that i've not mentioned, seen or heard from (and vice versa),
you're not forgotten.
and i'm certain our paths will cross one way or another.
because i'm truly blessed.
to have met so many beautiful souls in this lifetime.

and underneath it all,
i'm a happy contented girl just knowing this feeling.
that i'm blessed. <3

gone fishing too

2009-04-16T18:26:00.000+08:00

lovely day out, to get some air and relax.
reeling in thoughts and casting out emotions.
our first spot under the bridge was nice.
cold, but nice to just stop, lay back and watch clouds above float by;
the sweet smell of carefree in this cruel world.

caught 4 fishies!! but they damn blowies :(

but somtimes, it always comes down to your signs.

on how i try to go away like you want,
when everything around just reminds me of you.

being lost in a moment, almost like being

half naked on a scooter up this long winding road.
and if this is the big man's idea of a joke,
it sure as hell is funny.

its a snigger, a 5 second lapse; the standstill.
followed by a baby sigh,
before you continue trekking forward,
trying not to trip like a clumsy bum.

we rocked up to this black____ place

where people go cliff jumping.

spectaculor.

maybe somewhere in the universe,

someone understands how it is like,

by being in your moment, or is in that same moment.

almost like a syncronised heartbeat and

reason behind a decietful smile and truthful eyes.

because when life is short, cruel and unpredictable,

you indulge desperately in evert sweet pleasure that comes along.

maybe, i'm just a dreamer.

the final letter, j.

2009-04-13T23:22:00.003+08:00

its heartwrenching.
to feel like that secret that never existed.
thrown out and forgotten like yesterdays trash.
ive been brought on a ride, it was only good for you.
it was never me to begin with, was it.

i was the inbetweener, the rebound.
why couldnt you be proud of me?
because i wasnt good enough?
why are you so indifferent?
i was just the rebound.

and it hurts even more at how fast you want me to move on,
because you found another option to move on with.
i hope you're happy that you've crush the thread of hope i hang on to,
that belief that this world has a place for love and compassion.

i'm still that girl who pulls your shirt up from the back of the scooter,
who laughs at youur orchestra of farts, who lazes in bed with icypoles while watching tele,
who puts up with ur long phone calls when we're out together,
who watches you get pissed on 2 glasses of wine then take care of you at night,
who tells you which shoes to wear because quite frankly, your first choices doesnt match,
who says she won't kiss you till you shave but still do anyways,
who waits to have dinner with you, who wakes up early when you go to work.
i'm still that girl you sat with on the bench by the river as black swans swam past.

and when your ideal chick comes along, you don't hesitate to tell me 'move on'.
so i dont know how less a hurt to feel, that i couldn't make you stay.
that you're already intimate with someone else.
that my fear of being replaced, has happened.
that everytime the door outside my window slams,
i listen for that knock on my front door,
and now know why, that day will never come again.

i waited, and you pushed me away from behind the wall you hide behind in your heart.
i ran, and you watched me go as you took steps back into your life.
like i never happened.
you've killed me and all that i feel in that organ beating in my chest.
and i know, you've actually made your mind up,
right from the very start.

and one day, i'll find that hope once again.
if not with you, with someone else.
and i'll hang on to it.
i have too much love in my heart, to waste it on tears.

love,
the last of me.

lovelockdown

2009-04-08T10:46:00.003+08:00

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

So you never know, never never know
Never know enough, 'til it's over, love'
Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin', "No, no, no, n-no!?

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I wanna move but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin' to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself and still keep you too

So I keep in mind when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did I tell ya for it finally got through?
You lose, you lose

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life
We're just racin? time, where's the finish line?

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I bet no one knew, I got no one new
Know I said I'm through, but got love for you
But I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to

Gotta keep it goin', keep the lovin' goin'
Keep it on a roll, only God knows
If I be with you, baby I'm confused
You choose, you choose

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I don't need you
I've been down this road, too many times before
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to

So keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, you lose

-Kayne West - Love Lockdown <3

the letter j(ii)

2009-03-14T12:07:00.002+08:00

im leaving, because theres no reason for me to stay.
and beacause you've made it easy.
i missed you. its so hard when everything around me reminds me of you.
but you're indifferent.
blind to how my heart bleeds behind my half plastic smile.
deaf to my screaming pain.
almost like a stranger, you don't see me.
you're doing alright when i'm the wreck.
so why should i do this to myself when you're all good.
maybe its me who needs you.

but no more.
its closure, when you had a chance you dont take.
its something we both have to live with.
at least my concious is clear.
and i hope you'll find everything, worth it.
because i was.

still, me

the letter j

2009-03-08T12:39:00.003+08:00

when everything is not enough,
it leaves you in shambles of second guessing yourself.
and i gave it my all, ive loved ever so passionately.
all i wanted was to be seen, like a human with a beating heart.
respected and appreciated.
i'm not second best, i screamed on deaf ears.

why do i let you beat me down?
i make myself the victim of your excuses of wrong timings.
i'm not a mistake, my decisions were.
i stood by you, and you stood by as i climbed away with battered knees.

i'm better then this, and so were the you i thought i knew.
if this is your way of getting over you hurdles, i want no part of it.
how could you be so cruel, yet you expect honesty from me.
im no a saint, but i wish this on no one.

this is my reminder of not letting myself love me less
for someone else's benefits and ignorance
you dont deserve me, and i dont deserve this.
so be happy - buy yourself a boat, a car,
a new house with a different body between your sheets everynight.

i'm done with waiting, you're not good news.
and ive been tainted by the real world where sex is the answer,
where scandals, meaningless one sided conversations and flirts keep that smile on your face.
and i thought i was the one living in denial.

how could you tear me down like this,
when ive been nothing but the best to you.
i hope youre happy now.
and eventually ill learn to be once again.

me.

gone fishing, FINALLY.

2009-02-23T11:48:00.000+08:00

so finally, we've gone fishing.
straight off the streets of freo, drunk, dancing and screaming our hearts content.
are we human, or are we dancers? ha.
woodmand point was out own after party,
casting rods, basking in the sun on the pier.
all i caught was a sock, and a GIGANTIC starfish trampled into our cage.

did i mention, it was GIGANTIC?

vblay

2009-02-14T11:46:00.000+08:00

valentines day and santa claus have alot in common.
they should take it up with the lepricorns.

january 2009

2009-02-02T11:21:00.000+08:00

growing up in a place you're whole life,
you get bored of it after awhile.
everythings slowly changing, like ants scrambling even quicker.
slowly, home seems migratory.

so i went back to perth a month early.
spent more time being independant,
more time with people whom i dont usually do.
who'd ever thought going to the beach alone on a nice summer day was an escape.
ipod with good shuffles, cosmo, sun and sand.

got to spend my 21st undrunk as i wanted.
with friends, and family.
ive never felt so blessed.
even without a birthday cake and candle for a wish.
i think i cheated last year with two.

but i was content. i was free.
lone trips to the mall, to the grocers, to the beach.
dancing like no ones watching.
and that was my january.

i wear my heart on my sleeve and hide behind a smile.
and it felt darn good.
but there'll always be that missing piece, i cant figure what.
or its exact emotion or trigger.
i feel less then the best of me.
i think its called, a secret yearning.

but for now, i'll just twirl in the moment.
and leave bull wrestlings for tomorrows.

happyohnine

2009-01-03T11:32:00.000+08:00

the first moments of 2009 was euphoric.
hopefully it was enough of a blast to last the whole year through.

last week in perth

2008-12-10T13:00:00.009+08:00

my last week in perth before flying home
like a holiday before coming home.

rushed to pack all my stuff.

was going to move and stay at bernie's till friday

week started out with nandos! mr eds and aunt merles picked those up

and then me and my loads of bags up and headed to beeliar.

hard to believe maddison had just got out of surgery

she was still literally boucning off walls!

and her baby's head is made of stone. my head knows.

nandos extra spicy, yumm.

maddison made her muffins, and i came to the conclusion

that kids like to finish their last bit of chocolate snack

by smearing it all over their face.

rest of the evening and night was over bottles of wine,

more chicken, and movies till late late in the morning.

wednesday was a lazy day in.

all of us pretty much sat around in the lounge doing nothing.

i got to a little packing of what im bringing home with me.

berns made carbonara for dinner and that was shiokadoos!

had a night out with her to newport! HAHA.

and we had fun.

from guys who thought we were mother and daughter!

and who thought we were japanese, only for me to speak rubbish japanese to him,

with him replying in real japanese. OOPS.

and a group of youngin' who were having shots with us.

berns drove him early back to her babies, and had car troubles! :(

leaving her carless for about a week! oh oh.

uncle dons came over thursday morning,

made more pasta or lunch.

chilled the arvo,

dinner again was gooooooooood.

i think i just miss home cooked food.

what do you get with magazines and blu tack?

a hell of a fun idea!

with our stroke of genius,

TADA!

even the baby couldnt escape his fate! :)

more movies to end our lazy quiet day.

friday morning was a lovely day with maddison.

started off with her coming out of the bedroom

"where's daffy?"
(yes, in her stutter and slur, i am now daffy.)

i heard her all the way from the study so i hid.
and when she peered the corner i jumped out.

she gripped her bottle and went "errr err err"

kids are no fun to scare sometimes.

and guess what, there was a speck of blu tack in baby ignatius' hair!

so bring out the scissors, OOPS. ha

lunch was a lovely cheese and cracker spread

with good pate and smoked salmon

olives and sun dried tomatoes, the works.

lovely arvo in with berns maddison and val.

only champers was missing.

and guys massaging our feet and giving us a pedicure

last minute packing left maddison asking

"why you packing, where you going?"

"i'm running away from home, maddison doesnt love me"

she frowned. folded her arms in thought.

eyes lit up and started jumping around,

"but i do staffy"

"really? how much"

"THIS MUCH"

*spreads her arms as widely, still jumping*

how can you not love kids?

she was a good pair of hands helping me pack tho.

apart from picking up my stuff and playing with it.
to putting lip gloss on, to wanting to paint her nails.

to playing with my lomo so i took out the film and let her so trigger happy.

to trying on my top which looks like a dress on her.

to opening up my art supplies and so we went colour euphoric.

then uncle domonic pulled up in the drive way.

i said my goodbyes.

princess maddison refused to.

oh well. i would have done the same.

never really a fan of goodbyes

but my week's been great!

as if i were home even before i flew.

last weekend in perth

2008-12-10T12:32:00.003+08:00

my last weekend in perth was awesome.

bastian's farewell bbq on friday.
was out shopping with charlene earlier in the day first,
then over and gotten our potatoes and legumes grilled.
turned out great.
got bastian a pair of havianas with the aussie flag.
awwww im gonna miss my newport wednesday partner! :(
and no prizes for guessing where we went after.
newport!
where i met 37 yr old derrick from nz.
and then to metros.
ended the night so so so late/early
that i had just enough time to go home, quickly shower and change
then run for my bus to work, still half wonky.

work was so frustrating.
already half drunk/hungover, the other chickies on shirt just left me to do everything.
take orders, start the orders, while they literally just stood there,
waiting for things to pop out of the oven.
to the point i was boiling and burnt from the oven,
"WRAP THAT AND GET OVER TO HELP ME OUT OVER HERE"
hated that i worked with a long grumpy face, but really coudlnt help it.
night out was better. happy birthday stu!
got to meet his gf at last, miss sarah.
and his mate andrew.
started the night at the orient, then to newport then to metros (again)
met john! oooh the curlywurly hair.
(and gross chest hair)
went back to his nearby so he'll drive me home.
walking in we were looking at stars and i was showing him which was what.
then i went to take a leak,
next thing i know, he pulled out a mattress and quilt and pillow
and we slept in the garden.
it was awesome!
and i wanna wake up in the garden, everymorning!
with purple flowers falling to the ground.

off home and to stereosonic!
freak awesome!
paul van dyke, carl cox, infected mushrooms,
you the shizznick!! :)

andddd its back to work on monday. meeeh

end sem

2008-11-27T15:20:00.005+08:00

the 25th marked my 4th month here,
today marks the end of my semester for me.
upon opening the exam booklet i just wanted
to scream, dance, jiggle and skidadles.
becuase ive come thus far
(did help that i could answer most of it!)

how time flies.
it was just yesterday that i was unpacking my stuff,
settling in to a not so comfortable small excuse of a bed,
to now picking up my clothes, shoes, books and bags all over my floor.
everything just went by faster then i could even make sense of it.
but i survived. so did we all.

coming to an end also marks the reminanicing of friendships forged,
orientations, the birthdays, good days, bad days, sad days, mad days.

drunken nights out before madness of assignments and exams started.
and how we just saw each other through in good times and bad,
anger, sorrow and lonliness.

goodbyes are due for bastian who's leaving to his motherland.
where they have dalmatinos (dalmations)
and tiger woods evidentally means jungle in pictionary.

not to mention the occasional weekend visits to the cousin's or relatives,

which was my escape from the brink of insanity.

getting hugs from little kiddies who make you pretend to be an elephant

to scare off the lions while they hide in the cave/truck hood cover thing.

i'm going to enjoy the rest of my time, relaxing and reflecting.
before anything rash or impulsive strikes me.
and most importantly,
i'm going to live (high and mighty).

because the exams are over and my weekend is officially here!!
(till the next semester!!!)
kicking it off with a bbq with the housematies
before my week of none stop (party) hits.
booyashaka!

snippets of life.

2008-11-27T00:56:00.003+08:00

i honestly think you can never measure a mother's love,
unless you're either mother or child,
or maybe even a mother yourself.

but i stumbled upon this blog (thanks charlene)
and was just intriged by this woman's life. and i came to this entry.

and i quote
'In you, I’ve discovered a child’s love that is so tender, so sensitive, so sweet and so whole-heartedly absolute. When you say you love me, I don’t have to search deep in your eyes to see if you mean it, because it’s splashed across your face – you really do love me.'
Karen Cheng's Snippets of Life, 2008

and you can see it all, through the turmoil she's been through,
the warmth she feels from her son who makes her a better person
and makes her apprecite life more, almost as if bouncing out of bed each day.
i think i can only imagine being that lucky to come even close. swear.
and to realise these miracle, yet alone live it, is truly a blessing.

i use to think bloggers (especially those famed ones) write
attention seeking, rants and vents and a miniture gossip column
with bad english and lifestyles of the current generation.
i know i've been guilty of these kinda entries once in awhile.

how shallow i am sometimes.
how shallow we all can be.

she's really changed my opinion
(and gave blogger hope! HA)
i truly think she's an amazing human being in every sense of the word.
and i'm a new avid reader of her blog.

ho<3me

2008-11-24T22:06:00.007+08:00

how to you go back to a place you call home,
when it doesnt stand for what it means,
or was anymore.

not because everyone's grown older,
but more seemingly so, grown out of each other
in ways i can never comprehend;
how it happened, and why.
and what's next and what will be left.

i thought the aftermath has gone, clearly mistaken.
the repurcussions seem worse
just when i thought we were going good.

for now, i'll just try and hold on
to those that still keep the walls of home standing.
i feel so selfish, wanting what i want.
when deep down all i wanted was to make you proud,
and happily carefree, someday for a long long time.
so mum, i'm coming home.
and we'll weather it through together.

hold your own, and everything will be just fine, in time.
i just wished, as always, i had answers for everything to make sense.
and to still make me believe in things that makes ur heart tingle.
and i just want to scream and know
that you will hear my pent up emotions for once.

fattening goose.

2008-11-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

christmas is coming, and it doesnt feel like it! :(
i remember this time last year whilst suffering at internship,
we were so happy and merry whistling in our intern 'fishbowl' corner
to christmas tunes.
id half blame it on the exams, or just the absence of everything, christmas

i want a christmas tree!
so it'll start looking
and feeling like christmas.
hanging balls and ornaments and light.
then kick back, lay on the living room floor
just watching the lights dance over baileys and jazz.

i want a christmas tree!
so i can put presents under, and secretly hunt for mine,
and smile myself to sleep thinking whats in it.
still wishful for the day i find a puppy in one of boxes with my name on it.
a puppy, with the red ribbon.

i want a christmas tree!
because i know i won't be the only one around it.
with christmas socks dangling, too small for my presents (i hope!)
and the snuggling at the foot of it over hot chocolate,
or irish it, plus marshmellows.

most of all, i want a christmas tree,
to remind me to be hopeful and happy.
and think of home thats in my heart;
and all the warmth.

do they know its christmas time at all?

exam-oh

2008-11-19T21:45:00.004+08:00

so the exams are here.
been finishing up the last few chapters of revision the whole day
along with writing my cheat sheet that i've forgot to eat.
so yes. at 9.30(perth time) i had my breakfast lunch and dinner.
cream pasta with shrimp, YUM.

exams kick off tmr.
starting off with bullcrap data stats and ANALysis tmr evening.
then its off to a viewing in freo and some shopping after.
and back to more studying as i catch up for chemistry,
and MUG for enviro science.

and i'm still lost.
should i go or stay?
and persue something else, somewhere.
le cordon bleu, i shouldve gone with u in the first place.
or i should have just never embarked on a misadventure.

ho hum. exams end on the 27th.
thank god i dont have work (this week)
if all goes well, i'd prolly be moving out of here by the 1st.
not till STEROSONIC on the 30th YO YO YO!
i'm supposedly due back on the 5th,
but theres so many things to do here before i leave.
like catch up with the relatives, busk in the summer sun,
go on a fishing trip, sip wine in the valley and marggie river.
and do some christmas shopping.
ornaments and deco here is NOTHING like those in singapore.
swear. sumpah.

not to mention yvette and darren will be back!
so prolly ill push my flight later, *fingers crossed*
but i dont want to miss christmas at home.
nor not have time to buy presents and wrap it THERE,
coz no way in hell im buying gifts here and bringing it back,
(theres no space in my bursting luggage)

so i'm all set, ALMOST.
for tomorrow's paper. with my ALLOWED cheat shet
cramped with my oh so pretty handwritting.
its an exam after so long. im not nervous yet, hmmm..?
hopefully itll go as well as im feeling.

tho i feel, a storm's coming.
i hear it.

whatright'sleft

2008-11-12T21:11:00.003+08:00

talk about mindphucks.
i really wonder, what people think gives them the right..

to implicate other people in their problems
in which they just can't control and make sense of,
neglecting the position and implications imposed onto people involed.
that's selfish.

to chose someone, just because you're not happy,
or that you think it's the better of the two.
not knowing how much the relationship is already estranged as it is,
not caring how much worse you'll make it for everyone when truth be told.
she's blood, i may realise but she won't.
i didnt ask for this and i dont want to hear it.
that's fcukin selfish.

to do nothing instead of something you should be,
when i could have been somewhere else i needed to be,
not bothered at how i struggled which crosswords were more entertaining,
don't take advantage of me, you and all of you.
thats only so much i can take and will stretch.
that's selfish.

i guess we all forget sometimes, how people get selfish.
and that we may laugh and smile,
but the eyes never lie.
dont overlook how i am capable of being hurt, more easily then others sometimes.
and dont overlook how i too am human,
equally capable of hate.

tho i never wanted any of this, this way.
are you saying, you're better then me?
so really, what gives any of you the bloody right,
to put someone else in a position they dont deserve,
when they can be so much better.

left orright?

2008-11-10T20:02:00.003+08:00

and the thing about me, ive realised;
is i look so much at how things will be at the end,
before even letting it begin.
there should be a manual, especially for me.

tnereffid eb gnidne siht tel esaelp esaelp esaelp

optimism

2008-11-02T19:20:00.002+08:00

steph's all better now.
almost.
HO HUM.
the sun's shining. so am i.
exams are coming. boo.

decisions to make - stay or go during the summer?
earlier or later? hmmm
not good indecisive one.
and im considering buying an inflatable pool? HAHA.

friday night out was awesome.
what i really needed after a long staying dark cloud.
there's better be more better days like this to come.
i will update fully (an on backlogged entries)
when i have more time and more energy! :S
too drained from work. :(

because its harder to fall, when you're optimistic.

itskillingme

2008-10-25T19:36:00.003+08:00

and the worst part is.
i have so much more to offer,
i know it, and feel it.
i just wished better opportunities presented themselves.
and that people had more faith in me.
its so hard being half the person you know you are,
or can be.

and it kills me, everyday.
slowly.

sugar,we'regoingdown

2008-10-25T18:22:00.002+08:00

tear my heart open, i sew myself shut.
i dont know how to deal with disappointment,
especially from people you call 'friends'.
everybody's changing and i dont feel the same.
i dont know how to make sense of anything anymore.
utter mindphuck.
no front no back, no head no tail.
no beginning and no end.
its a whirlwind, churning for awhile.
turned hurricane spiralling out of control.
leaving everything a mess.

leaving steph a mess.
how do you tell if your on the path of total destruction?
how do you find your way back to who you are,
or use to be; how things were.
will they still be there the same way you left it?
and where do you start picking up the pieces on your path of recovery.

how do you find yourself after you've gone way off track.
which way is forward?

do you follow a spinning mind or listen to an uncertain empty heart?

manup

2008-10-23T22:30:00.002+08:00

its amazing how sometimes, you expect things
without even putting in much yourself.
its like wanting to travel the world,
without paying for your tickets.
and its not me.

pumping iron

2008-09-28T23:58:00.002+08:00

fickle and unpredictable.

hot and cold.

you're like the weather,

which i'm always stuck in.

take it or leave it.

second guessing is beneath me

at least its not something i need.

is a mindphuck i try to deny.

i need to know

surely, there'll be sun

for a long time.

do you know? or care?

happy pride.

2008-09-28T22:37:00.001+08:00

never in my life have i seen, and most of all be surrounded
by so many happy people.
truly happy to be who they are, so free spirited
almost hippie love.

undoubtedly, my best perth experience thus far,
with perfect sun and great company of my almost neighbour charlene.
great bands, food and beer, and happy people.
gives red bull a run for their money, or their wings really.

started out dodgy with my leaky water bottle in my bag
causing a swimming pool and a half-past-ten handphone
and a K.O.-ed ipod :(
so got changed out of my drowning bag and finally made our way down.

bus train walk lost walk YAY.
and some people are just scary. plain scary.
'aie u, give me money ay. give me your money bag ay'
this trashy teen said, deated hiding behind a stroller with a baby
and i presume her mum next to her, only grinning away. ZOOOMG.
yes, im pansy sometimes.

so it was fair day, in celebration of the reinvention
of gay pride.
i feel more, liberated somehow. more open and free.
charlene took her shots, i took in the atmosphere.
happy faces, happy pride.

good sun good fun good music.
we prolly were on the news dancing like mad people in the background,
charlene and her air guitar.
too bad no more pride flags left to buy.
temp tats of the flag on her arm, my back.
sex dice, hers gold and black, mine glowy in the darky :)
nachos, beers, wine, fries, sausage (no bread!)
weee.
rock your hearts out.

bumped into old singapore friends on that day too.
audrey again who poor dear lost her voice
then gail and jess who ive not seen in forever.

now back to a hectic week of
work, attempts to study and start my assignment, and planning.
but i'll defo hold on to this feeling.
for a long long time.
<33

mundane

2008-09-27T23:20:00.002+08:00

and the week's gone by, just like that.

sunday - lazy day in
initial plan was to have a day out in the sun in freo, but no sun only gloomy out.
on and off. just like how people are. so i ended up going to bull creek thinking woolys was open,
but no. so just had my subway fix. watched tropic thunder back at mine with pinky.

monday - home study
lectopias. readings. msn. facebook. attempts.

tuesday - half day
tuts in morning, lecture. home readings. one tree hill

wednesday - home study
self explanatory. repeat monday. plus landlord took us for a BIG chinese dinner at bateman. so yummy, and STUFFED. even back for cake and jelly and tea. supplies till thurs dinner, swear.
heroes season 3 with jase after, and no readings. boo.

thurday - chem labs + uni tav
lecture then lab. no ugg boots in labs steph. tiring day with 1230-430 non stop.
straight to the tav with anand. audrey was there, and singapore vanessa, then matthew, chai, leon, marlini, veena, casey, kenyan vanessa and a few others. ive dj, boogie night just too tired and not in the too dancy mood. something lurking at the back of my mind; some naggling thoughts which i dont even know what. its that stupid daunting feeling which wont go away and you just stoneeeee.

friday - home and a freo
no study tho. too busy surfing the net. freo at night. i actually ran for the bus, heels off.
caught up with matt, ravi, this chick and new friend nigel.
thought to newport, but metros instead. HWET :( not financially and mentally prepared for that detour. so i headed to newport for abit myself after. left in time to grab some fries and catch the last bus home, myself.

saturday - interview with the hawks
had a 9am interview at subway. you're hired :) hwet. light grocery shopping then home.
no toilet cleaning coz the housemate was still zzzz.
ended up catching the footy finals with jase over lunch and beers at some place in oxford in leeder. i think ive finally grasped (most of) footy. YAY HAWKS!
and then chilled out over stupid aussie tv and movies - cars *beep beep*

well, that was it. as mundane as i try not to make it seem.

babies 'r' gorgeous

2008-09-17T23:03:00.002+08:00

the sun's chasing the rainclouds on my head away! :)

i texted uncle dons early this morn to ask for directions
to god knows where MALAGA is in perth.
freaking like, 10,00 miles away from the moon.
and turns out uncle dons was just 5 mins away from, wherever.
so YIPPEE.
he picked it up on my behalf. awesomee.

he came over mine to drop of the cards,
and we even went to see baby ignatius!

he's just precious, boy is he gonna be hawt and gorgeous.
bernie was just glowing with beauty.
lovely arvo for me, most defos!

and he does his one eye open/closed stint. cute.
but this one, takes the cake! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

back to school to meet the groupies to finish off the transect.
big load off. met jason right after for a beer, some take away chinese,
and a muscle man movie at his. omg ARNIE?! wtf. HAHA
home after, early night. not quite.
lets just blame my unability to control my addiction to the new seasons of
one tree hill, heroes, desperate housewives (caught up, waiting new one!)
yeah. awesome, la.

identify-more.

2008-09-16T18:59:00.000+08:00

and so some kind soul decided to ring my phone.
apparently my theif has a conscience.
may have kept my wallet along with the transperth card, money, tongue stud and tampons in it,
but threw out all my cards including ids and bankcards,
even though ive already paid some money to get certain stuff replaced
like my padi (bloody $55 pls)
but thank god. really.
i got back what i really wanted and needed.
and i'm not the only one it happened to.

whoever you are.
just stop. salvation is your to take.
so just take it and not take wallets no more.

hermit.

2008-09-15T20:09:00.002+08:00

i wish i could find better words
to let you know how i'm feeling
and how this is tormenting me,
at almost every slight thought of it.
how i always feel misunderstood,
and act the way i do
given all the circumstances.

and in the end,
i wish i could put my heart mind and soul on a platter,
for those who've hurt me, or i've hurt,
to see what's really going on.

and how i never meant for any of it.
i'm the new hermit.

finally fridays

2008-09-13T00:28:00.002+08:00

i had a FINALLY perfect day
twas friday.

started off with the 'lazy to get out can't be arsed-ness'
till i rolled off and got ready.
invited matthew and bastian over for dindins.
so got the stuff ready, prepped the chicken wings and meatballs.
*FYI meat for the meatballs were from sausages.
YES sausages. i just sliced then and pretty much got the meat out
from two sausages so 3 people can share the love. haha .
so yes, got that done and set aside.
while i took a shower and went to school
data statistics test which i didnt study for went swell.
i swear its like what i did in singapore, but only called 'E MATHS'

grocery shopping with ine and audrey after at bullcreek.
overbudgetted. and ine can shop! HAH .
and so excitingly shes making cookies, yum!
and how great when we were about to go home with our big bags,
it rained. FUN.

and the best part.
matthew and bastian came over after school at about 630ish.
i didnt get anything on the stove! HAHA.
but it took me about 20 mins to get everything done.
spagetthi and meatballs and chicken wings on the side.
uncle james even threw in his green bean soup! meow.
stuffed just nicely. and we tripple teamed with the dishes.
that was awesome, and fast!!
doing the dishes never seemed so easy.
i guess you can really never ever go wrong with food, beer and PICTIONARY
awesome possem fun.
it was just a perfect chill out when its raining out.
chilled out over beers till charlene came and the games started.
was fun. perfectly fun and snuggly on the inside warmth.

bastian left to catch his bus home.
we played on abit more with our own invented version of the game
so we can carry on with 3 players.
till suddenly the storm outside sounded so bad.
so we called murdoch security to pick and send matthew back,
dropping charlene on the way back.

that ends my friday.
perfect end to my bad start of the week
and i hope i only go up from here.
weeeeeeeeeeee!

so goodnight goodnight.
sunday brunch is defo on the agenda for me.
i want and need one! :)
freooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lovin.

faith

2008-09-10T14:29:00.002+08:00

Matthew 7:7 -Ask, Seek, Knock
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you"

when i came here, i lived with my uncle donny and his family.
soon after, i found a house just infront of my uni.
i rang them up, but because i was too far and it was late,
i didnt turn up, moreso i lost the contact number.
4 days later, i plucked a number off the noticeboard again.
it rang, and it was the same person.
i went to view the place, and got a room.
perfectly just in front of the uni, with good rent.

my aunt said, that room was meant for me.
soon enough, i began to see why.

turns out the landlord and my uncle and the family are old old friends,
with very extensive mutual circle of friends between them.
and the lady of the house, who talks alot to me,
will occasionally preech and share with me her intamate moments,
with god.

we one day, while i was cooking myself lunch,
got to talking about saints, and then lost items.
and she quoted me that verse,
which now makes alot of sense, especially after all thats been happening to me.
funnily enough, this was just before my things started going missing.

and i think its just very, suiting for me now.
like a message, apart from the feeling i get that
its not my time or place to be here now,
but a message, and a calling back to faith.
i know i have been away for so long,
too long i dont know my way back.

and all this ties back to faith, strength and belief.
the want to find, you must first seek into the unknown.
the strength to ask, and then believing you'll recieve it someday.
its just significent in my current journey of growth and
self discovery and exploration.

so i'm getting new ink.

to remind me.

(and yes, this side of me does exist sometimes, just not very often so its shocking!)

Matthew 7:7 -Ask, Seek, Knock

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

first grade

2008-09-09T23:33:00.002+08:00

running up and about today wasnt fun,
esp without an identity, quite literally.
and money.

so getting it reported was a bitch.
esp when people arnt sympathtic or helpful.
can you believe my uni security said when i called them to report
"so what do you want me to do?"
how about for starters, your job?

so yes, even after filling the loss report form,
all the lady did was say
'ok we'll notify you if anything turns up'
and sits back at her desk to type.
so much for aussie friendliness and warmth hey?
(maybe its the spring)

and my breaking point was when i tried getting money out from the bank.
doesnt he understand MY WALLET WAS STOLEN.
i have NO CARD and NO ID and NO MONEY.
why dont you help me when ur in the position to?

i went to the international office to look for help and guidence.
and i saw nicholas.
and i couldnt help it, frustration got the better of me when almost automatacally tears welled up in my eyes and fell like bullets.
not streamed, but fell.
its just frustration to have that dark cloud thundering on my head.
baby, its raining raining.

i guess that was my brief vent of not very satisfying tears.
but it felt better to feel release.
for this and other things, jerk.

managed to rush for my student card to be made.
the IT guy refused to make me one because i have to pay $10 replacement
or have a polive report number for FOC replacement.
but see, the vicious cycle began when my wallet was stolen
and i have NO MONEY and i need my card for money
and the police phone line is busy and i havnt been able to get through
and my test needs the student id and i have no time to go to the station personally.
so yes
after much persuasion, initial battering of eyelids to not so amused smirks,
i got it, FOC.
and got through the police, not so FOC because of being on hold for FOREVER.

so i got my money out. CHECK.
rent money, CHECK.
just not so much money for groceries.
usually shop with my card and stock up for the week.
but my card comes in 2 weeks.

hopefully out of all this, i get to save some money and not overspend,
on drinks especially.

and mainly, today was my first graded test
for chemistry.
i was READY STEADY.
but when i reached the end of the paper,
i had NO TIME.
so i pretty much for certainly gave away like 7marks at least.
and that sucks

oh well, rest and relac tonight,
back to the books (did i say back or start) tmr on.
next test on friday.
and no one knows wtf is going on? HAHAH

thank god for donated beers.

id-less

2008-09-08T23:28:00.000+08:00

to top of my not-so-upperty streak,
some asshole decided to steal my wallet from my bag during a lab session.
why does it always rain on me?
just the case of the jerks?

i hope you have genital warts, whoever you are, wherever you are.
karma will get you, so watch out.
my name is steph.

just that now i am COMPLETELY id-less
singapore id, driver's, bankcard, even my padi lisence.
plus my student card, my bus card which i just bought, aussie bank card.
and my passport only comes in at least 2 months.

woohoo.
this is the last that will get me down.

father's day

2008-09-07T16:22:00.003+08:00

yes, its father's day here in perth.
no, you're wrong, it isnt an international day around the world.
it's 7th september here, and sometime in june back home.

wished the landlord 'happy fathers day'
and wrote in a card my housemate got him,
she's so sweet i swear.
and now he's preparing us dinner! THATS AWESOME.
plus he's making his pumpkin soup,
its the SHIZZSNIC! :)

so i texted the unlces here to wish them too.
got a callback from my godpa.
so we chatted, asked him what he was up to.
and he said nothing much, godma just came back and having something to eat.
same ol same ol day, nothing special.
and in the background you can hear
"HE'S NOT MY FATHER WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
wise words of my godmother :)
and then godpa added that the priest today said during mass
"everyone calls me father, but no one calls me daddy"

BWAHAHAHA.
to every aussie dad*
HAPPY FATHERS DAY! :)

*only applies to un-assholes

the best hugs

2008-09-07T16:01:00.003+08:00

so i left my troubles and worries at wednesday,

and started afresh on thursday.

managed to get abit of study in,

but not as much as i initially would loved to have,

or thought i would have.

and i thought i had something to look forward to

but you're just the 'fuckin' same hey?

so thurday went by quick,

audrey had her first day at work,

and she came by after, had a quick nap.

didnt wake up so i made us dinner.

honey glazed lamb chops with roasted crushed nuts,

with cheesy corn kenels and pumpkin soup and tortelini on the side.

she woke up, we ate, pretty much everything to the bone (literally)

i swear aussie meat is super SUPER good!

orgasmic.

then for dessert, she cooked up the rest of my pancakes

and it was GODLY.

even had enough for a take away to matthew's and ravi .

campus security picked her home.

i swear they've really became out chauffers.

and it was supposedly back to the books.

but :)

friday was my favourite day of the week.

excitement?

i was gonna see family after a long long time,

for princess maddison's birthday!!

or just not studying the whole day? haha

that made me guilty!

but i got up in time to rush through my day.

figured out how i was getting to bernie's, what to get the little girlie,

and everything else just fell into place.

went to bullcreek to get the dora talking backpack.

decided i didn't test if it was working, so i pressed it on the way to the counter

"OLA AMIGO, ITS THE TALKING BACKPACK!

BACKPACK BACKPACK! BACKPACK BACKPACK"

thanks.

went ot subway to see audrey at work,

met charlene for a quickie, while i was wrapping the presents,

dean and andrew who were shopping for a father's day gift were there too

it took 4 people to wrap a 3 year old's gift.

done and left. right to cockburn.

bernie picked me up, we got some beers, half of which she donated to me! THANKS! :)

then home with the balloons.

it was a great great night.

just being around family, and surrounded by kids

who pretty much kicked my ass at guessing the barnyard animals. meow.

and its so exciting seeing her open her presents! :)

i'm glad she liked the BACKPACK BACKPACK.

actually, so do i now!

great food, beer, and family. need i say more?

it was there, then just home.

but it was more then enough for me.

did anyone tell you?

that the best hugs,

comes from a child. <3

fly away from here

2008-09-02T21:46:00.004+08:00

to think i've not have enough setbacks.
i just got another one, right from the heart of home.

i got news my dog passed on.
my dear dino, friend and loyal companion of 12 years
left us in his sleep last night.

i know i may not been the best to him,
but i guess only he knows how much i really love him.
and our random walks out at nights.
and i'm sure he took the mickey out of me at times when i came hom drunk
and sat with him on the porch because i was locked out.

i remember how he was soooo small when we first got him,
that he could fit into the square of the gate.
i was 8 back then.
and each time he does, squirmy like a black torpedo with a fat belly
he got so happy he was literally just bouncing and just not passed the first step of steps in the house.

taking him to the beach was fun, gosh he grew so fast.
hated it when he teethed.
and that he ripped my favourite shirt once when he excitedly pounced on me.
and very much sooner, he became HUGE.
only his stout fit through the gate now.

and very much soon, he became, just the watch dog.
sadly.
and i guess he felt that too.
i'm sorry boy.
i'm sorry that our last walk was so long ago,
and that i didn't get to say goodbye.

somehow i felt that he waited out.
so why havnt i been home the past month.
another sign to tell me, it just wasnt my time to come and be here.
and i'm crying like a baby.
he was still alright when i left and hugged him before i left the airport.
and ive had news from my sister how his legs wernt holding up.

did you wait for me?
wait for me to return?
or to come back drunk again just one more time?
or to open the gate out too wide so you could run out and watch me chase after you?
wait for me to throw the ball and fetch it myself?
wait for that last walk?
did you hear my prayers for you?

and its funny, how i was on the phone with harry last night
and talking about you right then.
thinking back, pretty much 10pm when you had left us in your sleep.
about how you use to be tiny, and then not.
about how i use to be tiny too, and then not.
and that dream, that dreadful dream that i had.
you with those sad eyes.
and that has now inevitably come true.
but in the dream, i got to hug you babe.

and i'm so sorry again.
its like i heard you speak to me in the dream.
and there's nothing else i can say or do,
but i'm so sorry.
i hope you know all my heart says and feels for you.

and you'll always be in my heart.
you smelly black cow.

i love you boy,
and you're the one that i will always miss.
i will see you someday soon enough.
wait, and don't forget me love.
and this time, it'll be forever.

RIP dear Dino.
1996 - 2008

unhappy nomad.

2008-09-02T15:39:00.002+08:00

and inevitably, i broke down.
in front of everyone.
it was like, i was possesed.
because i dont remember.
and i dont usually know how to speak my heart out so freely.
i dont even know if subconsioudy i meant anything.

i guess, i just really need support now hey.
or i need to learn, (still) how to support myself.

and i've lost my passport. BRILL.

study week this week.
in dire time;
to focus, recharge and revitalise.
tests assignments and more tests coming up.
eyes on the prize.

i still need reassurance.
and that long awaited snuggle.

fix you.

2008-08-30T15:20:00.003+08:00

Starfunny says:
yes im good
if only my mood was the same
alot of things are wrong,
but i cant put my finger on it 'just one of those, u know?

being away from home? bad days?
life gets like that sometimes.. but there's always happy times ahead
cheer up

maybe being away from home. i guess this is the first inevitable road bump.
when u try to push the grass is greener theory.'
i just have alot of questions to myselg sometimes. and i upset myself.

sometimes you gotta water your own

its just the 'what was i thinking wanting to come here' when my life was perfect already but i needed more

it's probably just a transitional point in your life your wondering why and what and feeling worried and unsatisfied because your futare is uncertain

i hit my ultimate low yesterday.
my heart is sick

what? what happend why?

the 'what am i doing here' hit me.
its just a reality check kind. dont know if you get that
not homesick. more like, why did i leave my life when i thought it was screwed but looking back i had it all going for me. but i thought id find something better, you know?

so you would like to have your "old" life back?
why isnt your life so good now?

i dont know if its there for me to go back to
i didnt say its not good. its just, uncertain and i guess im scared of failing.

well.. no one else than you can find that out...
but we shape our own future

fly away from here. fix you.

ahchooooooo

2008-08-28T21:48:00.002+08:00

no updates as of the past week because.
IVE BEEN SICK!!
from sunday.
and when i went to the doctor, no prescribtion.
apparently my body just doesnt respond to anti biotics.
so just been ordered bedrest and panadols which she says wont help.
anyway, cottlesloe beach is lovely, so was the company and il gelato.
i made a friend, simon the seagull.
chilled with ine and audrey after,
ine and i finished a whole bottle of vodka??!!
ruby room on saturday was alrightttt.
the crowd tends to get weird during certain hours.
and yes, maybe i am out of your league so stop whining.
whimp.
on the contrary, jake who we met there sent us all the way home in a cab,
even tho he lives on the other side of perth and it came up to $100++.
such a sweetheart.
and i love my sundays at freo.
tho it was the start of my backache (WHY?!!)
which seemed to become a fever, then flu which lasted till now.
and i feel miserable.
it makes me feel more alone.
ive just always been so pampered when i'm sick.

oh how i feel so, helpless.

matthew's 21st went alright, that boy can driiiink.
14 shots and still standing.
cant wait to see what tmr and saturday will bring him. HAHAH.

expiry measures

2008-08-21T20:46:00.003+08:00

pork chops, with caramelized onions and apple sauce
paired with garlic-ky mashed potatoes and green salad.

CHECK.

was a huge sucess for a first time.
and its a freaking $7 meal,
with priceless company.
audrey dear, i cook for you ANYTIME.

oh how i will spoil my husband-to-be.

burp! :S

2008-08-18T21:00:00.002+08:00

so freo was awesome.
lil creatures were too packed for charlene and i,
so to kailies.
their calamari is better then cisarellos.
and nothing beats a glass of white on a sunday arvo.
nor 2 ;)

to the beach after. it was nice.
just chilly after awhile because of the breeze.
but it was a great lovely day
and i loved the company.
and the quiet time, you know.
with your ipod in your hand and the sun between your toes as it set.
going back to the station was a bitch tho.
cant believe no one helped, or was kind enough hey?
haha.
anyways. speed grocery shopped because my poor housemate was waiting.
(FYi grocery shopping is a satisfaction that should be gone through slowly for maximum pleasure)
dinner menu: tbone steak with heavy mushroom and garlic sauce, served with spagetthi and asparagus on the side.
OMG it turned out the best so far XOXO.
then watched the olympic game between china and singapore which ended singapore's 48yr medal dought.

today was a non stop hits with the back to back classes. 1130 - 430. then again at 530 - 630.
first time i fell asleep in a lecture at 6 today. zzzzz.
i guess i gotta get use to my mondays like these hey.
had audrey over for dinner. always better to eat with company.
defrosted my own home-made tv dinner - spagetthi sauce.
made some meatballs from scratch, boiled some spagetthi, added cheese and wala! :)
and needless to say, im UBER stuffed now.
even trying to finish all my food that somehow expires on the same day!
21st Aug. i think i need to buy 4d.
but yes, so plenty of stuffing on foos before then
and then ill be hungry and foodless after thursday.
whippee.

we have a new tenant,
some china girl.
i hope the considerate kind.
anyway, i saw the room again
and come to think of it, i might have picked the smaller one :(
but it defos has a smaller bed with a shitty matteress
(i swear the previous tenant of this room was a pig, its half sunken in)
bottom line, it is NOT COMFORTABLE.
the cupboard has more shelvings. where as mine has, well, NONE.
hanging is limited though, so i win on that.
but BED. i need a bigger bed.
i swear mine is like, mini single or something.
meow.
maybe in the middle of the night i will creep out of my room and change the mattress,
or bed :)
shhhhhhhh

hitting the books soon.
or maybe sack. just too worned out today :(

coming down under

2008-08-17T10:15:00.002+08:00

so its been so long since i saw this page.
and about 3 weeks ive been here.
first off euphoria is dissolving into the need for reassurance
to why i even started this adventure.

its sad that i miss food from back home the most.
maybe its just because i havnt been eating very well since i came.
and i wished that showed, then at least id complain less.

certain people i miss because they've become such routine to my life,
that somehow, everything crashes down to being disfunctional from time to time.
but i need this stepping stone, so i need to suck it up.
if not for me, then for the future.
mama's gonna be so proud.

anyway, im fortunate to have made great friends.
is it me are aussies in school not as friendly as how aussies are painted to be?
made friends with people from norway, kenya, mauritius, germany, and handful from singapore.
and its swell. they ease my transitional periods.

right about now the sun these days are out more often.
makes the cold barable. oh how i love the sun and cant wait for the summer!
thinking of packing a picnic basket and head out now now now.
or little creatures at freo is heaven for a glass of white on a chilled sunday. <3

ill try to update as much as possible now.
seeing how my schedule doesnt really allow me to keep in touch with each and everyone.
pictures wise, am i jolly backdated OR WHAT.
especially with the many installations of my farewell...

Youth In Touch with the Tpiranhas Oldfarts
Sunday brunch with the favourites
Quiz nights
Lomo shots!!
Sentosa with Lu and Momo (MORE LOMO SHOTS!!!!!) :)
Equinox!! <333333
Dinner at the Lius, and my last supper at home.
nerds party in the office
CHINAONE 'steph goes down under' party

and even from far far away i got good news on the proposal that ive been working hard on.
that we've all been working hard on, the late late hours.
and its a kick in the face of those who previously thought im dumb and not worthy of being entrusted with the huge responsibility of doing up a porposal.
oh the liberating power of empowering.
and it paid off. hugely. ionixed yo.
and the many many smaller events i did when i was in concept 360.
its just serendipity and i miss that the most.
from facing aunty juju, to being the queen of thailand.
its a hard work of fun.
and the crew are in beijing now. with f1 coming up too, itll be busy busy.

got a chance to see people in aussie land whom ive not seen in so long too!
the last time i was here was 8 years ago!
godma and godpa, who took me out to dinner at hyatt hotel and then to the cas at burswood, (!!)
and the get together at bernie's for val, maddi and bren's bday,
uncle/mr ed and aunty merle - thought they're frequent singapore visitors
uncle dons - saw him in singas not too long ago, but the rest of the fam, aunty doreen and brenda, its been AGES! and bren was telling me stories about how the girls would take care of the younger girls way way back, when we were about 3-6.
then theres of corse uncle barney! and val, oh funny bubbly val.
as well as bernie and her beautiful family.
the winter cold was out the garage door and the warmth exuberated from everyone's face.
except dad, whos lonely heart showed.
but i guess your destiny or fate is how you chose it be.
and i just hope you're happy, then i am.

school school school. is ok, still.
because ive kinda taken all these basic subjects either in secondary school or poly.
seeing how 'hospitality and tourism management' has nothing to do with 'conservation and wildlife biology', i was initially hesitant. but its turning out ok.
i guess at this stage its still the revision of old topics (ie MATH AND SCIENCE) which i havnt touched in 6 years.
but im quite happy. i expected to be here at least 3 yrs but apparently i can complete it within 2.5 with a double major.
but ive still pushed it to 3, with double major and a minor.
marine science please!
cant wait to start diving here!
and driving.
and surfing.

did i already mention i HEART FREO! ?!
its such a summerised atmosphere of the free, hippie arty farty soul,
ie me.
its just, lovely.

and i hope theres much more to discover,
more great people i'd meet.

my adventure will continue.
stay tuned, matie.

packing your life away

2008-07-19T16:07:00.002+08:00

and you know its hard to let go and start over,
when your luggage is spilling out its sides
and you cannot decide what to chuck, keep and pack.
what do you really take with you,
when all you want, is to start over?

goodbye

2008-07-04T17:02:00.001+08:00

the reality is now, you are leaving.
and i look back on the times i really knew you.
and i just wished neither of us left so each night would last longer into the day after.
because in some small little little ways, in reasons i am unable to comprehend,my heart tingled each time you were near.
and i've missed that, not as much as i've missed you
and am going to.

do you ever think of me?
would things have ever been different?
all said, done and not,
i wish you well.

jaded

2008-06-07T14:36:00.002+08:00

so i been to redang and back.
it was a great holiday, well deserved and it couldnt come at a better timing
for me to get my mind sorted and my directions clear.
but as soon as i crossed back over the boarder,
i felt everything weigh down again.
i miss simplicity, so take me back soon please.

days at work are getting tougher, and mundane.
im looking forward to paintballing tmr in jb,
and phuket for 4 days right after.
hopefully, its continue my spiritual and wellbeing healing.
it'll do me good,
especially after such a bad bad day yesterday.

and did i mention im addicted to online shopping now?
sigh.

ethan's first month

2008-05-19T22:05:00.006+08:00

celebrated baby ethan's first month.

finally have my own camera so from now on blog's going to be PACCKEd with pictures.

(only just if and when i get the time, and find a damn way to upload pictures fast!)

no red eggs though!
but it was heartwarming.
everyone's all grown up now, and for the first time,
i saw the gleam in a parent's eye.

kelvin's all grown up in his army do, giving a red packet to the new proud daddy.
and granny just looked back at him, with such pride at how her grandson's grown
into a filial boy, handsome and healthy.
and how her granddaughters sit together at the same table,
all grown, bright and pretty.
and when we said our goodnights i felt a tear in my eye i fought back.
i miss my granny, the fond memories of when I use to stay with her
and how my aunty took us out last time
(with her exboyfriend DONALD duck)
and young uncle, today proud father,
whom i used to pick at his leg hair.

because home is where the heart is.

Thought of the Day

2008-05-16T09:57:00.000+08:00

NO ONE IS SO GOOD THAT HE HAS NO BAD IN HIM, AND NO ONE IS SO BAD THAT HE HAS NO GOOD IN HIM.

We human beings are a complex lot. Many religious writings and great literary works are based upon the constant struggle between good and evil that goes on inside every one of us. This struggle is as old as mankind itself. Yet, while we recognize our own inner struggles, we are often quick to condemn others. Psychologists tell us that there is no such thing as a bad person; there are only bad behaviors. Make it a point to look for the good in yourself-and in others. Nurture the good character traits and work on the ones that may need improvement. Like plants in a garden, the character traits that grow strong and productive will be those that are fed, watered, and weeded regularly.

Pass the fertilizer?

creep

2008-05-01T21:29:00.002+08:00

ive fallen back to square one,
into the silence and isolation
of forgetting familiarity
and being forgotten.
i miss making people proud.
or happy.

i want to get away.
to a place i don't need luggage.

i miss being carefree

2008-04-26T13:42:00.001+08:00

the perfect man
can be anywhere in the world
but he choses to be with her
because life is better by her side.

daddy'sgirl

2008-04-23T10:52:00.001+08:00

and i had a bad bad dream,
that i wish never to happen.
it brings tears to my eyes.

breaking point

2008-04-22T22:47:00.002+08:00

i dont know if its because ive held on so long,
or that ive been distracted by being busy
that its a long time coming, blindsidedly
i'm having a breakdown.

but never have i found myself crying on the kitchen floor
i hate how things always ALWAYS happen all at once.
information/emotion overload.
all different things and feelings all at once,
i don't know where to start

to start with dealing with loss and getting over waiting.
with unforeseen circumstances and news
with insecurity, with work, with less time for familiar faces,
less time for z's, things going on at home, with my dog getting better.
its everything, just everything at once.
almost like a forced moodswing with everything that's going on.

frustration, worry, depression, satisfaction, relief, anxiousness, excitement, greif.
where do i begin?
how do i put time on a standstill?

i just really need a moment to stop and breath.
or better yet, just wake up to see, know and feel things dissapear.

it would help and be assuring to know someone, anyone understands.
and tell me it'll be alright and mean it.
to know that ive not lost the tracks and prints of my past,
because that's the only thing reminding me how strong i am,
and how strong i can be with familiarity and assurance.

i cant do this on my on.
not now, and not for long.
tomorrow, i'll just carry myself like i'm fine
afterall i think i'm getting good at it.

i never knew

2008-04-13T16:38:00.002+08:00

no courtesy of goodbye.
and all i hear, is the sound of my failing heart.
the heart that once beat for you.
the one that you made skip.

i've already missed you.
no one person could ever stretch the extremes of emotions;
of happy highs to depressing lows.
you've done it all, only you.

perhaps, i never had you.
not the you that only i saw and see.
yet why am i blaming, me?

i need the beach soon.
i need to get away.
somewhere, someplace.
some unknown.

so i can be as alone as i feel.

<3

2008-03-19T10:05:00.004+08:00

just beautiful.

puts a smile on my face and heart,

each time.

and this too...

for abit of an obvious (different) reason.

but if you find this breed/potential breed wandering the streets,

give me a call.

lessthenperfect

2008-03-03T17:02:00.004+08:00

nowadays, im believing less and less of what people say and do.
walking oxymoronic juxterpositions.
how people are easily swayed out of their supposedly firm stance.
i guess that's what people do once their bored or given less attention,
they move on.

superficial world, go to hell.

and i'm so oftened kept in the dark,
yet not already used to it.
maybe least of all, from you.
that's what plastic is made of aie?

i know all of you, less.

Long Time Promise.

2008-02-24T00:33:00.003+08:00

Dear Anonymous,

I have waited a long while. Time has gone by.
And I think you should uphold your end of the deal.

I'm referring to my tag board, a long time ago.
I have waited. And now, I have graduated.
It's time you told me who you are,
and what was it you had to say.

I've been patient.
So tell me. Before curiosity kills me.
A promise is a promise.

Love,
Me.

hokker M.V.P-uki womens 7s

2008-02-18T14:19:00.004+08:00

my first m.v.p.
i didnt really feel i deserved it, i wasnt outstanding.
all thanks to my absense from training and exercise altogether.
but im glad i didnt give up.
and neither did we.

womens 7s on saturday was fun.
we played with 7 players, no subs.
we REALLY need to get numbers,
and more support.
but i always love my time with the girls,
on and off the pitch.

had my moments during the game.
esp when i was unexpectedly appointed hooker.
trurt me, a transition for a relatively newbie backline to a forward,
it quite a scary crash corse, esp on game day.
in a scrum, everyone saw my knickers.
a few scary moments when i wasnt sure if i was going to catch the ball as i felt it slipping around my body.
yes, around.
all in all, was a good game.
i'm kinda liking the hooker position.
exposure to many positions certainly would help any player improve prospectives of an overall game, and be flexible.
definately a note to work on my fitness and conditioning.
calves cramped up too many times.

after the games, went to rania's for a shower
already then i felt so sore with 4 blueblacks showing.
i brews easily.
met brooke and we headed to bq for food.
cant believe i went the whole day with just one bun in the morning
beers at night was crazy. havnt been out with the girls for so long.
did our fines.
we lost the boat race to the boys by one person! we could have won but dear frenchie coach lost it for us.
and didnt really notice till one of the fellas pointed out that i smoked nick dance.
i think he wasnt even trying on the first time, and i beat him.
the second time the dude bought the round for a rematch,
i won again. but i knew my boobs had some to drink, and im sure nick knew too.
but he was a good sport.
cant wait for another boat race! :)

off to pump room.
I REMEMBER I FELL. HAHA.
then to cheeeeena one with daniel.
bought nick and dan a round of flaming lambos.
their poison. nick feel asleep soon after,
and we left for mos, studio 54 to check out the dj
and daniel fell asleep soon after..
last i saw of daniel was him walking away and coming back to throw my wallet at me.
i quickly rushed to macs after to beat breakfast menu coz me li-ke some currrrly fries.
then home it was.

pigged out he whole of sunday while feeling like a stiff 60 yr old.
mad cravings i had, most of which satisfied.
from my morning fries and hash browns,
to ben and jerrys, instant noodles (wtf), laksa, crab!, chicken chop. OMG.
went to hit some (golf) balls at the field near mine. lost about half of what we brought out.
i have a record of missing the ball entirely for 4 times in a row.
cravings yet satisfied: sushi/salmon, thai food, satay.
and i have a heck of a meal menu in mind that i want to whip up,
just thinking of who for and when for.

so be nice to me.
stop and stare

mr.s-a

2008-02-05T13:21:00.001+08:00

as much as i appreciate this first time honesty,
i hate that you didnt even try
its not a selfish thing you're trying to do
but not giving me enough credit
or the way you handled things
i can never figure you out
just when i was slowly phasing you out,
you say things i needed to hear
only to not substantiate it with actions
i'm just a sucker for believing you again
and once again i'm left stranded.
so with a bitter taste behind my throat
i remove pins of hope and the messages i keep.

so here we go again,
i'm starting on my own
i'm not that bad, am i?
maybe you deserve better,
but so did i, from what seemed like the beginnging.
if it was all true, i don't see how you can let it fall to this.
i can't wait to get out of here,
it just holds nothing to me.

and to what could have been, and whoever you want to be.
you were the boy who i could really love.

thelookingglass

2008-01-26T16:46:00.000+08:00

Hi, its me.
I'm sorry, i know its late,
but
what happened to us?
i dont know who i am anymore,
or how i got here
i miss who i use to be
i wanna have a home again, you know?
and real friends
the kind of friendships we use to belive in
i miss that
and i miss you

i guess i just miss all of it
it just doesnt make sense.
are you happy?

retard

2008-01-26T15:19:00.000+08:00

i dont know if its a problem i have,
that i base my worth of importance,
on the people around me -
who they are, what they mean to me,
possibly, how many?

i'd rather not have,
then to have to lose.
and last night, was just retarded.
a bloody let down.

with my killer hooker heels on,
pushing an additional 4inches,
i've never felt shorter,
and smaller.

so this is what having a 'ty' instead of a 'teen' feels like.
and its only the begining.

i hate this.
i hate being here.

hedontloveyou,likeido.

2008-01-12T17:03:00.000+08:00

its exactly what i didnt want to happen-
you opening up a can of worms with whatever you said,
leaving me hanging again.

i don't know which is worse,
you having no recollection of it,
or me actually believing every word you said.

do it, or don't,
i won't wait this one out, again.
you already lost me one too many times.
don't do this to me again, not when i'm in a happier place.

i can't figure you out, ever and never.
there's too many 'again's.
i deserve better then this.
it was good while it lasted.

i love the rain and thunder outside
good theraphy for the soul in moments like these.
and i miss you.

137

2008-01-01T23:41:00.000+08:00

got this off ruby's.and i won you dear! :) i'm sorry i've been to busy,to tell you/everyone how much you make a difference in my life/2007.happy new year to all, babies!

whereveryouwillgo

2007-12-30T14:58:00.000+08:00

yesterday was fruitful and eventful.
got to catch up and see different people that i've just been too busy to
with work, and a crappy phone that keeps turning off on its on
so i'm too annoyed to continue dialing a number of smsing.

had lunch with naomi at thai express.
tom yum gives u angelina jolie lips i swear.
it was good though : )
the boys were late, so they came when we were done and had their own lunch
while we went shopping.
coffee at starbucks is <3
till the point where i saw my own reflection in the mirror and saw how disgustingly fat i was.
i just wanted to run home and hide!
rachel came after work, with audrey.
we're planning a bali, we all are, YIPPPPPPPPPPPeEEE
and not forgetting my around the world expedition!
rachel, WE NEED TO PLAN FAST! i can't fcuking wait! :)
about 2 months of travelling can make a girl VERY merry.
some snow would be nice.

left at about 6 to meet harry.
he finally got the sunglasses he wanted.
he's worse then a girl when it comes to shopping i swear.
i bought a pair of beach shorts! me li-ke a-lot!
back home in the train and went online to search for tattoos
yes, tattoos.
am thinking of getting my 2nd.
either along my ribs on my left, or on my pelvic area.
chinese characters. 4 (ribs) or 1 (pelvis)
la la la laaaaaa

got ready quickly and hopped into a cab to meet dear lulu for a drink.
to fullerton i went, then walked on over to mos.
54 is my favourite!
drinks and shots and arguing with the bartender on who's has more baileys.
(all he did was swop em over) funny i swear.
beers, vodka cranberries, lychee martinis, margaritas, cocksucking cowboys. wee.
this 28 yr old hawaian guy chatted me up.
quite useful, got us some drinks. i feel bad though,
most of the time i was giving lu my attention.
they left, and this indian guy came and kept asking me if he was handsome and if i wanted to dance. WTF.
first off, he's not. second off, i'm not that mean to burst his bubble.
"OK wait, i'm gonna get my friend, he is MORE handsome"
omg.
he came back and my conclusion are that 'handsome' from wherever he comes from,
means ugly.
but it was funny how he spoke with such confidence of his devine, blessed good looks.
ok i feel like a bitch to say this, but really, DUDE you from the ugly pool.
its one thing being ugly, it doesnt matter if you are or not,
but its another thing to thing you're god's gift to women with your gorgeous face
lucky my mr muskles of a hero harry mason came to my rescue. :)
get use to it

i love dancing with him. secretly, sometimes, i think you're hot.
and you're just like a little kid,
who likes getting my attention and being pampered.
though i can't stand your bottom burps, and your goldfish memory.
i can never get enough hugs from you mr muskles.

and you idiot, who sat so snuggly on the egg chair,
leaned back, legs opened, pointing down (to your crotch)
singing along to the song "GET DOWN ON IT"
got the biggest slap in the world from me.
i know you like it though, and i didnt mean it,
but dude, you just looked too crude.
and it was way too funny after.
oh how you make me laugh, silly, you silly man.

like how you always fall asleep whenever you have the chance to,
and pretend you're not.
till one day you wanted to pull the duvet,
and you pinched and thugged the side of my boob accidentally thinking it was the duvet.
3am and the house was roaring with our laughter. sweet.

i want to box you.
and i'm not kidding about the harry mason 08 calendar i want to make.
i'm pretty pleased with the gifts i got for my favourite girls.
i'm glad you guys liked it, even though they were small
that's why i simply love you.
you're gorgeous.
(no, not you mr indian guy)

i love penguins!
i'll go wherever you will go.

effortlessly

2007-12-28T18:17:00.000+08:00

and i just can't get enough,

of how much you make my heart :)

somethings'notright

2007-12-22T12:57:00.000+08:00

i feel like your keeping something from me.
and i dont like that lurking feeling,
where i know less then i should.
when i want to know all of you.

and tonight, i dont want to sleep.
i dont want the day to end,
because i don't know what tomorrow will be like,
and i can't stand if it'll be less then perfect.

i hate not being a part of everything i hold dear.

x'mas is creeping up too fast!
i havnt gotten all the gifts i should get.
my tree is filled with so many many presents.
21 of them for me :)

i realy don't need the presents.
i just need to know what it is you feel.

no once and always.

2007-12-16T21:31:00.000+08:00

i'm so upset.
of becoming to know more and more of things,
which prolly i'm not suppose to know of.

i dont understand, still till now.
i hate empty words.
why would you say once a tpiranha always a tpiranha,
when you cant live up to it in action.

i know i made a decision,
because i love the game so much i dont want to limit what i can learn,
and not keep rugby to just touch, but rugby itself.
apparently its so wrong to love the sport so much.
its killing the sport for me, or thing thing called 'team'
i HATE paying for other people's reckless mistakes.
mistakes they are allowed to make,
and that noone seems to care how i've suffered the consequences.

so many things i dont know about.
i 'left the team when i chose contact over touch'
i left, or was made to leave?
so much for saying its up to team consenses.
no one even knows what the hell is going on.
i know maybe if i was a better player, i won't have such an ordeal.
i'd probabely be needed more, or have my feelings more thought about

its becoming so different from before.
you've become different.

its my last fucking year in school,
and already last year i couldnt play.
maybe im still bitter over that,
in that someone whos not trained regularly made the team over me,
and well, she disappeared after.

i really dont like to think its entirely my fault.
it so fucking frustrating that its just becoming pointless reasoning.
and just simply fucking unfair.
i have NEVER felt so useless in my life.

i hate the way i'm treated.
and how decisions are made for me that i have to fucking live with.
the fucking feeling of knowing that i have so much more to offer,
but i cant.

so basically i'm not allowed to be kept in the loop of whats going on.
or informed of competitions unless they are short of pple which lately they have not been.
or not be informed of selections or camps and evertyhing else,
but of a christmas party.

do you chose when i am in the team and when i'm not?
would you like to be treated in the same way?

please tell me what to think,
because i really dont understand you anymore,
and pretending just makes it worse for me.
i dont know how anymore.

priority is school first, then cca.
so its my fault that i cannot make trainings because of sip.
or that i dont try.
even the logic of me turning up in time for cool down is not good enough.
its not effort.

stop treating me like shit.
i really feel like stabbing this pain in my heart away.
do you ever even think for a small second sometimes
how much its fucking hurting inside,

and that theres nothing i can do about it.

read the bottomline

2007-12-12T11:29:00.000+08:00

and who knew a great day could be dampened,
by someone who's been making me smile for quite awhile.
i was expecting a storm after a calm,
but just not this quick.

i just hate it when people try to talk across different fruquencies.
it was a silent frustration,
and i didnt sleep much.
rawr?

anyways, back in the office.
i was number 2 in after the receptionist.
dad sent me. he keeps asking us out for dinner.
i guess it COULD be because the elder sister is back in town *yawn*
but i have my suspecisions that he just wants a time when ALL 4 of us can make it,
becuase perhaps he has something important to tell us, together.

my number one suspision;
that he might be getting married, again.
i guess im easy breezy with whatever he wants to do just so long as he's happily living,
as much as theres a part of me that worries if he makes right decisions or not,
i guess its his to make and his to bare consequences/rewards of.
he's a big boy with that unbreakable facade that he always has.

not to sound superficial or whatever,
i do think about where his money will go to.
i guess it would define his priorities,
or significance people have in his life.
someday somehow it has to go somewhere, or to someone(s)
and its just puzzling to know the outcomes.
i'm sure you can only be stingy while you're alive,
and theres only SO much you take with to the grave.
just a thought. a nagging one.

i'll be alright, i'm just fearful of the little one.
or perhaps i'm just paranoid and anticipating a dramatic build-up.
after all there could be many other possibilities.

oh if only there were some sort of device that could freeze the rain as it fell,
so it'll blanket the streets as snow.
that'll be lovely.
and instead of wanting to sleep in on a cold rainy morning,
i'll be running amock on the streets making as many snowmen and angels as i can

and its oh so heartwarming,
when collegues passing by this fishbowl,
and hum and sing along to the christmas carols playing.
christmas is coming! and i still want my winterwonderland.

and of corse the following:

* that oh-so-sexy-and-bling guess watch (leopard + gold)
* W810i (white) - my dearly missed phone who was with me barely 3 months before i lost it
* camera - any darn sexy one would beat having none at all! HA
* prolly one of my old perfumes (since i've pretty much emptied most of my bottles)
ANNA SUI's Dolly Girl would do, either the PINK or BEACH one.
* a new wallet (dark brown, longish one prefably)
* to be cont'd :)

it just had to come sometime soon.
8 more days to the 20th,
13 more days to xmas!!

XX

oh happy day

2007-12-11T11:26:00.001+08:00

for the first time in a long time,
i'm having the best day, EVER!
it's just a feeling where you know,
today's gonna be a great day.

there's that cloud nine feeling in my heart,
where i just feel like smiling to the whole world till they're convinced i'm crazy.
that little skip in my step,
that deep breath in with my eyes closed and arms outstretched.

it prolly started waking up after the greatest sleep i've ever had in the longest time.
the only thing that can make the day better is that if it snowed.
impossible, but hey.
i'm convinced that singapore is meant to snow,
just that the sun melted it away.

20th will be the start of my long holidays,
with the many days of block leave given by the company.
21st and 26th has a night event, but :)
i'm just too bubbly.

i love the fishbowl.
and i like how when everyone's too busy in the office, we interns have spirit.
with a xmas tree in the middle, presents under it and my crown sitting there,
with xmas songs on our speakers, it'll be great to know actually secretly,
the other collegues are enjoying it too.
(pictures will be up soon!)

and these are the things that make my heart smile.
christmas is in my heart.
i'm starting to feel so much love admist my pudgyness.

mellon cherry home coming.

2007-11-23T13:25:00.000+08:00

i'm finally back!

from the late nights in the office up till 530 am,
to the asean summit itself.
i'm free, and tired.

and i somehow wanted to stay awhile longer,
because the thought of going back to nothing,
makes me feel like nothing.
its a different hurt in the bottom of my heart.

doesnt help that xmas is coming.
the warm and fuzzy cant help but overwhelm me,
followed by a hard fought battle of shrugging it away.
i hate disappointments that's borne upon hope.

on the other hand, i loved coming back to the empty shangri-la apartment.
its my kinda place. a quiet at the end of my day.
my time, with a nice bath and a cuppa tea.
spongebob makes me laugh.

and at this moment in time,
i can't have this wait out much longer.
i want to be in that craddle,
i know i've got so much more to give.

for now, i'll just look for travel company.
for my short beach getaway the coming week hopefully,
and for my around the world in 80 days cum end feb.
to get my mind and heart of things hopefully.

my letter to you II

2007-11-10T11:55:00.001+08:00

dear you,

i feel each step your taking,
further and further into the rehlm in which i can't comprehend.
i'm slowly knowing less and less of you.
i can't paint your picture beside me anymore.

and i really feel, like i'm losing my best friend.
it looks as though, you're letting go.
and if its real, then i don't want to know.
don't tell me coz it hurts.

the mile i'm willing to run looks cloudier by the day,
the reason slowly fading away.
do you realise i'm still here?
or do i realise, that perhaps you're not mine?

i'm scared to dial the phone, afraid to fall asleep.
because with you, anticipation is all i have;
and it usually follows by disappointment, empty castles in my sky.
its the gratification i can't live without, only coz its you.

and as always, in my good times and bad,
i wish you were here.

love,
still me.

expectations

2007-11-01T00:06:00.000+08:00

We all think we're going to be great

and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But sometimes our expectations sell us short.

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected.

You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations,

because the expected is just what keeps us steady.

Standing. Still.

The expected's just the beginning,

the unexpected is what changes our lives.

=)

2007-10-30T22:27:00.001+08:00

and theres nothing left to say,
when i dont know you anymore,
and the best thing left that i can do,
is smile and pretend everything's a-ok
while walking away.

'once' and 'always' don't go together,
i should know.
especially when fate and decisions arnt in your hands,
and when you try, insufficiently.
its so easy to know where you're needed vs wanted.

i just don't know how much further in the corner i can be pushed in.
i don't like the way my feelings are dealt with.
its just pointless, trying to convince myself.
la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa la la

just do whatever you're happy about.
maybe, its just me.
but you, you could have fought harder to be there,
in the way i needed you to be.

perhaps its no ones fault,
no one can take the blame.
but things, outcomes, situations and feelings,
could have been managed so much better.
unless this is safely the best, the only and the last resort.

i'm slowly learning how to have zero expections;
from me, or anyone.
its a wonder how i'm not already use to it,
almost as if im hoping for pigs to fly and cows to fall from the sky.

crappy scrappy weekend

2007-10-28T20:48:00.000+08:00

and the best thing about the weekend,
was the sun.

i can't stand the sound of silence.

after a whole week of mad working since 7am in the morning,
i'd think i'd be thankful for the weekend.
esp with the scc 7s as well.
but no.
my weekend was quite shitty.

other then my moments with shimona at haji lane
and sharing a banana spilt with her after saturday's rugby.
and aruging with hadi in the car bacause he wouldnt stop making me feel worse.
to the mexican lunch for rachel's 20th
and laughing at silly rugby players making the most of the 1hr rain.

i somehow wished things were different,
though i know there's nothing i can change.
or maybe i can change me,
coz i think there's something wrong.
things don't always look up for me,
they dont go in my favour.

and i think i deserve better then this,
at least whatever i'm being dealt now;
the way i'm treated by you -
that of which i'll never come to understand.

at least try to see how i'm coping in such a circumstance,
and get to know the person you'd never come to see.
because i'm better then that.

its not like i havn't, tried and tried.
i've been keeping clear, of stepping on the cracks.
missed just enough to keep me coming back.
oh i've waited for better angels

better late then not at all.
better to make the break, then to take the fall
i wouldnt mind hanging on,
if i could find out what i'm hanging from.

still hoping better angels come to me,
it's a woman's worth.

2007-10-18T21:59:00.001+08:00

and there is no medication for the soul.

and so far.

2007-10-09T17:24:00.000+08:00

i've never tried as hard before to hold back my tears.
too many things at once.
i want to run away, with nowhere in mind.
the thought of running nowhere's becoming so much more appealing then the here and now.

i don't like the way things are turning out,
i don't want to be a bad person.
and i don't like it even more that there's absolutely nothing;
and nothing i can do about it.

i wish you'd realise the abuse you put me through.
the way you speak to me, belittling.
the way you look at me, as if all you see is what's in front of you,
minus a beating heart, and real emotions.

i'm only human; a struggling one,
with too heavy a load on my shoulders that i can't take for long.
there's so much dwelled up in my mind and heart and eyes.
i never figured me as one to be a quitter.

i've always hated dragging my feet.
i'm hating having too much to hate.
why i ever this hateful?

i need devine intervention,
or just support and a comforting warmth would be nice,
and assurance that somehow, things are alright.
that i'll be alright.
or just everything'll be alright.
teach me how.

so far, this is the worse i've ever been.

your winter

2007-10-07T10:45:00.000+08:00

The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child

In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else, what else can't I do?

I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry ,but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you

Why do you choose your pain?
If you only know how much I love you

I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

A frozen image of ourselves
Innocent and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while

You read my eyes just like your diary,
oh remember, please remember

Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself,
And I don't wanna hate myself, don't wanna hurt you

If you only knew how much

and i had a dream about you.
i'm good to go away now.
i hate not knowing,
and then knowing, its not.

i miss you so.

brazilian thread.

2007-10-02T22:43:00.000+08:00

i loved my monday.
work was slow but enough to get me by.
met shawn for dinner,
right after my bus blunder.
took 196 and didnt know where the bloody hell to alight.
went all the way to kallang or something, where i just alighted coz i saw plenty of cabs on the opposite side.
and alas, the overhead bridge was under construction so no way of getting across the massive traffic.
so just took a cab down, waited quite abit.
headed to marina to meet shawn and bought him dinner.
thai dinner was great, i always love our conversation.
the food was a little too spicy, i swear there was a small flame.
walked around, bought myself a book called "blink",
recommended by shawn, about people and first impressions.
can't wait to get to it.
also the notebook that i've always fancied, as well as a cd
which i thought i'd take a chance with coz i only loved one song.
(turns out i dont really fancy the album!)
shawn bought us ice creams, god was i stuffed!!
home it was and bumped into marli on the train.

tuesday morning i woke up feeling horrid, so i went back into bed,
but still pre occupied with work
till about noonish, i got out to get my mc,
and decided to do all my errands that i dont normally have time to do coz of work.
met lu at 2.30, she was late.
thus giving me the time to spend freaking $123 on personal items from watsons.
and to orcahrd we went, coz we wanted to get a brazilian.
i think i have a high tolerance of pain,
not too surprising when it came to me i guess.
but yeah, gosh the wax felt warm, and the lady was so friendly.
anyway, mine was done in a flash, hurt a minimal, and i was sweating. ha.
then went on to thread my brows.
it doesnt look at all bad, made it much neater,
but i just freaked out when she did the top part of the brows,
coz i always left it untouched, coz i just do. and well, bye bye :(
lu went for the brazilian, and gosh, everyone had a good giggle with her reactions.
he YEEEEOUCHes, and OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! haha.
she still perks my day up, always.
walked around, and i managed to get the cd changed.
diana krall it was.
met a few of the interns at the singapore visitor centre in their so kung-fu-ish uniforms,
poor haha, hang in there darlin! and samuel, you learn kung-fu kuku bird? :)
and i bought a pair of sunnies!
jean-luc suddenly called me and i immediately spotted him across the road.
silly man.
met shimo, and went for training.

training was good, my legs are so sleepy its almost hard to move em.
the freshies this year are zzz. no comment.
i guess everyone starts off like that, but its just a different amount they are willing to put in,
which translates into the message of a very minimal amount they expect to get out.
and because of me being half blind with no contact lenses on,
and the damn astro turf being poorly lit,
and a super hard steeden and a shitty pass,
that somehow hit my fingertips,
and my middle finger became purple for abit, and hurt for alot.
so much for high tolerance of pain.
now its just swollen and hurts with minute movements.
game time was orgasmic;
i still have my fitness in me under the layers of blabber,
lasted quite abit at quite a pace (then again its night so not too reliable, but whatever)
and best when i scored on the restart, straight run for the tri line.
and the bestest is the somewhat double loop on the wing side, resulting on a 3 on 1!
it was fuckin awesome, made my effort of coming down all fuckin worth it.
tho i hate hate hate shouting at people coz they're just blatantly not making effort.
not too surprised but quite upset knowing that its prolly inevitable that some people might think i'm a bitch.
ho hum.
i particularly loved seeing marian, suria, ruby and of corse shimo.
not to mention play with all of them .
left early coz i just couldnt stay.

so now i'm home, with my nachos on the side,
after a nice long warm bathe,
i feel so fresh and clean.
and a useless middle finger and a still achy breaky back,
and a freaking hole in my freakin wallet.
there goes my first pay cheque! literally, swear. within 2 days.
kiss goodbye.

i keep your messages, to remind me of the person you are,
and the person you make me to be.
maybe it'll be different.
and maybes gone too far.

denial

2007-09-30T18:45:00.000+08:00

so i survived a 6 day work week.

monday the usual routine,
and met danny with intentions for kebabs.
then met rachel, tim, agnes, wei kiat and muna, and ended up at pasta mania.
did i mention, danny and i are on our food quest for all the various food cravings we're having.
so far, we've done the sushi, the pasta, the salmon sandwich, even carl's jr.
hokkien mee too and laksa on seperate occasions.
next up is his bar chor mee, prawn noodles and fish and co.
recipe for a reserved position as prop.
i love haagen daz ice cream!

tuesday, routine repeated, with a few meetings.
wednesday had an event which i was involved,
i LOVE the walkies. its too cool.
the earpiece to the ear, sweeeeeeeeet
the colleagues dont say it but i know, they loved my chinese song i sang over it.
*wink*
and i swear scandinavian men are mostly carbon copies,
at least for the old foggies.
blonde hair, fair, blue eyes, sharp nose, receeding hairline.
and they're so cheeky!
one of em went into the lift, and ran back passing me him name badge
"keep this in memory of me darlin"
and another while i was escorting them into their bus
"arnt u gon hold my hand sweetheart?"
haaaaaaaaaa.
ultimate backache after long hours of standing please.

thursday short hours in the office, because of on-site briefing for the weekend at one15 marina.
i swear the marina is so luxurious,
its like a dream.
the pool area, the private dining lounge. too perfect.
thats the defination of lifestyle of the rich and famous.
i want.
and the boats, lovely.
the view, awesome.
the serenity, priceless.
the steph, dreaming.

friday was mundane, and a slight jolt of looking forward to a break on the weekend/sunday.
saturday early in the morning to sentosa.
gosh, i went to the single unisex toilet and to my horror,
this guy was taking a shit, NAKED!
god, for fuck's sake, lock the freaking toilet.
and why naked?
kept seeing him throughout the day as well,
talk about awkward, he was the conceirge, and he even called a cab for me.
surprised i recognised you with your clothes on aie?

headed to bq after.
nothing like a cold beer and good rugby on tv.
pierre lost his bet and had to walk around barefooted,
though he cheated and short lived it by going home.
PFFFT.
mos with shawn and danny, bumped into chris there.
not on top form you were, well and then neither was i.
emptiness.
i just wished my saturday ended better though.
i need comfort.
waking up on sunday feels tiring.
dont help the boss calls at noon with things for you to see to.

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass.
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim.
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon.
We can only lie to ourselves for so long.
We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth.
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world.
Head on, guns blazing.
De Nile (denial).
It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean.
So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

i'm not the sort who has the right words or actions for everything.
and i just wished i knew how to make it simple for you to see, hear, feel and understand,
every single thing that is running through my mind and churning in my heart,
only when it comes to you.

my day with kyle.

2007-09-23T21:52:00.000+08:00

the week went by so quickly,
too quickly.
i barely had time to stop.

lazy sundays have to be the best.
this weekend's a sober one,
no reserved hang over day for me this not so sunny sunday.

and i loved my day spent with kyle.
just in bed, watching him.

the best thing i love about kyle,
is his innocence,
and how his eyes translate 'sincerity' in so many levels,
its a calming.
he's perfect.
his sexy green eyes,
with his i-wanna-run-my-fingers-through-his-nice-brown-hair,
his geeky sunshine of a smile.
like a cut and paste of a perfect face.

i feel like a stupid school girl.

you're too gorgeous kyle.
i prefer you to matt dallas.

i wouldn't hold the umbrella for you though.
you hold it for me.

and you're the perfect persona of what the 'baby boy' look is like.
or even, the goofy-i-wanna-pinch-your-cheeks look.

and i'm lovin' it! :)
my sunday would have been snorsville without you kyle xy.

and i hope you realise,
that that was your last.
because i cannot wait for you anymore.
time's not a luxury i have or you'll get,
neither does the storm in my heart.
that was my goodbye.

2007-09-18T23:51:00.000+08:00

i had a dream last night.

oh how much i miss you.

i really do.

monday blues.

2007-09-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

monday was alright.
time passed slowly, at first.
i cant complain,
i had more going on in my mind then in the office.
manning phone lines is weeeeeeeeeeh.
that was till work started piling.
2 differnt tasks.
am i weird that that made me excited and perked my day up?
haha.
possible overseas project? PLEASE!
stayed in the office till 7 plus ah! madness!

bussed to commonwealth to wait for stupid hadi,
who made me wait forever.
his new bike's more comfy, shorter (coz he said i was heavy, bitch)
plus! the box behind is a good back rest. so, me li-ke.
went for the geyland bazaar thing. i hate that place because it makes me wanna eat ALOT.
bumped into emily there, she just got in from england.
went to the hawker centre for food, i swear he just eats chilli soaked rice
and the main dish is the chilli.
walked somemore, i want a swift!
got more food (aiyo)
and HADIZAN, you didnt bank in my cheque!
to think everyday i checked my account, and you banked in yours! thanks.
he refused to give me the cheque to bank in because he didnt want me to see his handwritting.
sometimes, boys are so matured.
some gay dude touched his bum,
and then i walked into a damn maniquin! thanks.
in my defense, it walked into me and held my hand.
going home time plus hunting for a cheque deposit box.
stopped at kembangan, but NOPE, none there.
and we missed the one at bedok,
so we just used simei one, and at all occasions,
he refused to let me drop it, and he'd rather settle his bike, walk there, and drop it,
JUST SO I WONT SEE HIS HANDWRITTING.
geeeesh.
home sweet home all tired and all.
i'm glad i had the night out,
could sure do with more even though i'm tired.
you make me laugh la hadi.

tuesday was just none stop typing with the icy fingers.
excel sheet, research yadder.
didnt help that the server was down from 3 onwards!
couldnt finish what was due that day!
so i had to bring it home! :(
and to think i took my training stuff out,
i had to go home! i was too tired and it was too late.
i surely miss the girls, and playing with them! :(
i need affirmation back in my life!

for now, i'll just stick to my security blanket,
my favourite brown duvet.
but now i have stupid curtains coz the usual ones are in the wash.
note to self: ikea soon please!

weishemohuaizheyang

2007-09-17T18:43:00.001+08:00

i'm not ok,
and you're not helping,
i dont know why.
maybe to you it just is, and will remain as nothing.

and i'm near the point where i don't care,
because you don't either.
that was your chance to say at least something,
but you left me hanging, again.

i can't wait this one out,
not because i don't want to, but i just cannot.
i'm too distracted and lost.
yes, lost; for words, thoughts and emotions.

i'm tired of trying to figure this whole thing out.
its weighing on my shouders and pushing me against the wall of nails.
i think i'm alone on this,
can't you just meet me halfway?

now just really, what the fucking ever.
its gone through my head enough.
i really thought i read you like a book,
i was darn sure i did.
turns out you're not the person i know you are.

whatever comes, it couldnt be any worse.
given the chance, i'll do it all again.
and things will just never be the same.
i won't be.

and i just want to see you.

love,
samantha.

whatever

2007-09-17T09:31:00.000+08:00

my weekend went alright.

started off friday meeting daniel.
had carl's jr for dinner, and thats the furthest i've ever been with their burgers!
off to clarke quay coz danny needed to drop off posters and what not,
mohd sultan area-ish too. then it was off to dempsey road.
chels and lester had their malibu party thing they ran,
by the time we got there the free drinks ended. thanks.
but we did get one, and god was it awful! HAHA .
the belly dancer was fcuking hot! i think justin timberlake's song 'sexy back' was sung for her.
anyway, heicienda is a nice place, we sat at the bottom grassy patch.
till about 11 we left, headed to dxo for the $20 towers.
rachel and mai joined us after their shift.
and we profitted $10. :)
more food at makansutra next door, we were just being greedy i swear.
$8 hokkein meeeeeeeeeeeee. and then a slow long walk to bq for the england vs south africa game.
maximum we gave england a score of 3 off a penalty conversation.
but they disappointed us futher. a big fat ZERO.
not that i care, i'm for the south africa side,
and percy, you're too fine. you sure know how to kick some balls.
thanks jean luc for the ride back.

struggled to wake up the next day.
i need and want more sleep! :(
off to turf city for some touch.
i really miss playing with the tpiranhas.
and i enjoyed my quiet time.
off to yck with bird to catch the match and shower,
bucks won both games.
then to boat quay for dinner at macs, and for the mc flurry craving,
which i only had all but half since it started to rain and it was cold.
plus, ice cream dont go very much with beer.
caught the wales and aussie game,
pierre attempted 'extreme entertainment'.
rachel and mai came along and off to mos we went.
it was alright. mr german with the tie, your my favourite.
and i think its a macho issue where guys just dont want to spin.
frenchie boy alexis bought us shots, some funky red ones actually,
which i didnt drink! too scary.
moreso i kinda already had enough shots, complementary of 'skinny'
half the time i didnt really know what the hell i was drinking also.
bumped into becs and lena there.
daniel came along, met raymond and andy,
who bought more drinks. yikes.
stayed till lights came on, and to smoove till it closed too,
and off to breakfast we went!
mai and myself had so much fun splatting our faces onto the glass as people walked by.
its funny seeing how different people react.
and i just couldnt sleep.

woke up, the sister and the bf ordered macs.
so much for my swaering off junk food,
i had it all weekend!
put a dvd on and basically enjoyed my 'free time'
surprised i wasnt a wee bit hungover.
laksa craving taken care of during dinner. so that made me happy,
until the feeling of being stuffed settled in.
caught saw III online, it was gross! but the story line was good.
and you, it wasnt the best the way you treat me like dirt.

i can't stand your indiffrence towards me, and how i'm just a no one.
i'm not asking for much, but i think i deserve more then what i'm getting now.
its a different kind of hurt.
and yet, i'm not surprised, coming from you.
because you don't realise, and probably never will.

i'm not so much looking forward to my week of nothing.
and i can't stand too many bad days.
argh!

swell

2007-09-14T09:40:00.000+08:00

so the internship started.
and so far, i'm lovin it!

on my first day, it was a nice welcome,
turns out andrew knows my course manager!
which makes it so intimidating!
the people here are so friendly and nice.
i feel bad that i just cannot absorb so many names at once.
i have my own desk, in this place known as the fish bowl,
where the 2 other interns from nanyang sit as well.
we are the fishies in the bowl!
i got the chance to be attached to this way cool assignment,
to observe the do's and how's of getting a event on the way.
helped out and saw how they put together their pitch presentation.
mad rush i swear, and sanjay wanted to bring me along to the pitch,
WOO HOO.
and AND, since i hadnt had lunch, he told me to eat his!
awkward, but oh well.
drove over to the building (2 blocks down)
sanjay drives madly i swear, and a lizard didnt let me into the car.
the meeting took a good 4.5 hrs!
got back to the office by like 6.25, left 20mins after.
that was my swell, first day. me li-ke.

2nd day, i didnt have much to do really.
there was a general meeting in the morning,
and i met the big boss himself.
after introductions, the interns were excused to carry on.
all i had was just to finish up the invoices that i helped kamala with.
and i was done for the day, kinda.
by the time the meeting ended it was lunch time.
so off to opposite with some of the girls to satidfy my chicken rice craving! :)
my tongue studs season now i guess,
i sometimes hardly remember that its there.
bought skittles to keep me company,
half of which lost to the birthday boy mr sanjay.
i got the mission of the day after: a delivery!
heeh, to the office 2 blocks down.
by the time i got back, there was news that someone from the next building just committed suicide.
yikes!
mum picked me up at 6 and it was home sweeeeeeeeet home.

and friday is pretty much, mundane.
i hope things picks up! my reporting bosses are all outta town.
someone PLEASE give me something to do.
england vs south africa tonight, weepiee

i'm looking forward to my weekend.

wywh

2007-09-10T16:23:00.000+08:00

and as always, you make my day.
triple frown divided by two.
plus the still swollen and now red right eye.
you're right, about everything,
and thats just something i'm going to accept.
yes i'm the hopeless romantic who wants the upside down frown,
every single single day.
you're my favorite big red dog.

'wish you were here'

heartphuck

2007-09-09T22:36:00.000+08:00

my right eye is so swollen and stinging since i woke up,
just suddenly,
i dont know why or how.
so im struggling to open it

and i'm feeling so in a rut right now,
in a euphoria of insecurities, frustration and upsetness.
i really wish i can believe it when people tell me i deserve to be treated better,
but i just cannot cope alone, so i just keep coming back,
even though i know i cannot rely on you.
i want to be treated better.
but you don't always get what you want.
there's just too many questions floating around in my head,
that i just want to scream into my pillow just thinking about it.
i dont know anything when it comes to you.

i allow all this to happen to me.
and its what you do to me.
i just want to be left alone,
but comfort on a shoulder would be nice.

i need to get my life pieces back together.

drastic times

2007-09-04T22:47:00.001+08:00

sometimes the anchor around my ankles just gets too heavy,
where i feel, everything's empty.
my mind's nothing less then a whirlwind clutter,
and things/ people around me just don't help.

i just have to get away.
i need a change.

change can be good i guess,
in moderation.
and when was the last time i did something for the first time?
i just needed my mind to focus on something else,
anything but the here and now.

so drastic times calls for drastic measures,
or drastic change.
my new mechanism of coping,
other then the usual running away and avoiding everything,
coz i know, it comes back to get you.

it didnt even hurt tho, i'm still speaking normally.

i have a feeling now, i'm thriving on impulses,
and i'll just wait for repocussions.
i've got nothing to lose.

on a lighter note,
went to the hospital to visit fizah,
and her newborn baby girl.
she's such a doll.
pictures soon,
along with my overdue updates.

i need to be found, i swear.

steph's saturday!

2007-08-21T22:22:00.000+08:00

so saturday.
an eventful day, kinda.
i spent the whole day being out in the same chillax outfit;
shorts, slippers, and some stupid brown striped polo top.
and i opted for sunnies over my beloved yellow umbrella (eh eh eh)
and yes, it poured the whole day. PFFT.

started the day at 8,
in school by 10 for the internship launch.
waste of time if you ask me.
melissa made me a cupcake, me li-ke.
i know you li-ke too.
off to lunch with muna, haha, and pika.
han's sucked! the one at tampines is really bad.
it was nice talking to the girls,
over stupid stuff, and drunkard moments.
2 of em left, it was muna and i.
so we wasted about 2 hours walking through the malls,
before we headed to shimo's to head to YCK for the bucks vs bedok kings game.
went to buy beers, and they wanted to check our ids.
(what the?!)

got over to shimo's but we were still early,
so we played "go fish" on the elmo cards.
god i suck at these kiddy games.
*'L' over the forehead*
hannan was done in school, so we walked down and hopped into his car.
and we never made it to the game,
coz we got involved into a car accident.
thank god it wasnt that bad.
it was like a pendulium of 4 cars, us being #2.
#1 stopped too abruptly, so #2 had to too,
barely touching each other.
car #3 on the other hand went BISH straight into us,
so hard the boot popped open, and his whole bumper and what not, was totalled.
car #4 just played bumper cars with us.
back and forth with multiple impacts.
held up, and muna and i needed to pee.
car got towed to the workshop, we met the couple there.
after everything was settled, we cabbed back to shimo's to get her mum's car to drive out.

met hadi at YCK and watched the blacks vs scc match.
wasnt too interested in watching them play, but whatever.
we tried to hook muna and hadi up,
but poor boy just wasnt in the mood.
*tickles his chin*

went to beach road after for some food.
which was too spicy for me at that time! :S
headed to molly's to meet up with the girls,
who told me to get out of my hole,
coz i was sooo darn short compared to them in heels.
hopped around to bq, and back,
and to bb's with kami and pia, with carmel popping by.
then to chinaone. where i had a hella time!
i think i must've bumped my head or something.
coz on any other ordinary day,
i don't think i'd actually do something like that.
but it sure gave me a good laugh,even throughout the hangover day.

tagged by the 'bucks women's rugby'
and my name and number along with it :)

pia couldnt stop laughing.
neither could i.

and i'm done. look casual.
so guys, try not to get drunk when i'm around.

and this whole time, there was a dude in hat that watched me from afar,
arms folded, watching this monkey marking out her meat,
all he needed was a popcorn box in hand.

soon after, one of the bucks boys i think had too much to drink,
he abruptly brushed passed us, and plonked on a chair,
and started puking.
MAN DOWN!
so being the good simaritan that i think i am,
i petted him on the back hopeing he'll feel better,
but he was flinging his arms around randomly,
almost telling me he just wanted to puke discretely.
er, OKAY.
i didnt even realise he was puking on his pants.
and i was so brave to tell the manager and bouncer to go away. HA.
the manager returned, only to ask if i've dropped my phone.
OMG yes *blush* phew.
he was brought out by some of the boys.
low and behold, the same fella with folded arms was there,
watching me.
i bet he was thinking "gosh this girl likes her men PISSED DRUNK"
LOL.
it was pretty funny to admit.
pia left, so i spoke to him awhile,
trying to assure him that NO i do not 'attack' drunks.

headed to MOS to meet up with marli and the rest.
the bartender asked me if i wanted 'something extra' for my drink coupon.
and he came back with a lychee martini for me.
you're the shizzles!
next one was the same,
and i remember kissing him on his hand, HA!
but i hate those martini glasses, especially when you're tipsy, like happy high.
coz i swear, my toes drank more then i did.
saw albert, just as i was leaving.

i was too zonked by the time i got home.
god.
thus the motto,
"keep holy the hangover day"
wasnt that hungover, surprisingly,
but i was just too sleep deprived! :(

i miss you, booboo face.

my letter to you

2007-08-17T15:12:00.000+08:00

dear you,

you never fail to amaze me,
and it is torture.

you put the colour back to my greyscale,
and i can imagine you making my mornings afloat on cloud 9,
being my back support of warmth in silence;
that kiss at the back of my head.

you're my perfection, you make me feel perfect.
i can't stop thinking about you,
and how it could never happen.

i hate how its so far-fetched,
a whisper of impossibility that doesnt root me anywhere near my sanity.
you're too much of a yearning,
of completion.

however the cards will be played,
will our lives change?
i feel a good thing coming,
only dashed by the bungy cord back to reality

things you'll never know, or i'll never say,
it's just the last i needed voice out,
before you go on your way, and i do mine.
you're just precious, and there's no one like you.

sometimes it just feels so right, that you can't ignore
and sometimes, you gotta stop telling lies to yourself.
when its so hard to do, but so easy to say,
sometimes you just have to walk away.

and i feel so stupid.

girls night out

2007-08-16T18:08:00.000+08:00

my wednesday was packed.

started off with school at 2,
i got a c for coursework for organisational behavior.
and i know nothing about the subject, so good luck during my exam.
class ended at 4, me and mel went for food.
met shimo, and then we browsed the bucks online store.
so many many thingssss. sigh.
and then we went for our "girls' night out" captain's ball game.
i've not played that in a long while,
and trust me, after getting into a sport like rugby,
with the nature of the game, and the shape of the ball,
its hard to cope!
especially when people are so much taller then you.
but i did score quite abit, shimo played very well.
and the whole time i kept bulldozing people over.
funny how on grass and the pitch i get more bruises and scraps,
versus on a concrete. :)
got into abit of a tiff with one girl who had no sportsmanship,
funny how the guys didnt try to break us up.
but it was stupid,
then after she apologised.
i appreciate the effort, but i dont care about the drama.
i really enjoyed the games though, i love having monkey fun with these girls.
we came in third, ended early, so i rushed home toget ready to meet the girls,
for a real girl's night out.

waredrobe mulfunction.
picked naomi and shawn in a cab and headed to clarke quay.
the usual london bridge.
and then we went to mos.
hopped over to chinaone for a beer.
then to pump room where rachel joined us.
lychee mojitos are lovely.
rachel just loves quick fucks.
there was a naomi version of a guy, who fell asleep on the dancefloor.
freaking hilarious, while standing too! gosh .
to gotham to check out the scene.
but nah, so we went back to mos
studio 54 is pathetic on wednesdays!
apart from the good looking guy who made out with another guy on the dancefloor.
smoove was the only crowded place,
not disgustingly pack as always thank god.
so i set out on my task given by rachel. ha.
i ended up dancing with this chinese dude, alan.
he dances well, and he seems like a great person.
we all went for breakfast at macs after.
the 2 london blokes who were trying to order food were reallllly hilarious.
alan sent me home, was online till about 7ish,
and i got about what was collectively 2 hours of sleep.

and i'm really starting to feel so pudgy.

its lovely.

2007-08-12T01:25:00.000+08:00

i can't believe i was in on a friday night.
and now, saturday night too.
man what a life.
and i know just what i need.

that's the side of you i knew you always had.

my wonderwall

2007-08-11T16:07:00.000+08:00

the game with the australian army wasnt that bad afterall.
10-0 to them. but it was a great game on our part.
i'm lovin' it.
everyone did well, esp in coming together.
captain kami broke her wrist! :(
get well soon darlin!
bq for drinks on the never ending bus ride.
sometimes people just make singapore seem so big i swear.
11pm by the time we got there.
we won the boatrace! :)
oh i love to dance, so did their hooker who can hella dance BTW!
kudos to her, and hellen for the bartop danceoff.
their full back is too hot i swear. (shocking steph!)
karen just wanted to rape their roo, tsk!
and it's national day. (wah)
and and PIA"S OFFICAL 30tH (WEEEE! )

headed to chinaone with raph, carmel, pia, becs and hellen,
the last 3 disappeared to the hospital to visit kami.
we partied at chinaone for abit, mvpuki carmel was clobering people with her shaft.
even the hot drummer! HAAH.
to mos with raph. met marli and some other touch ruggers there.
ad! ju! :)
i just left my bag at 54, and guess what, the bouncers kept it! :S
and i met raph's (hot) friend of a friend, albert.
who was alright, not too bad and i thought he'd be a nice guy.
TEH. wrong again steph.
yeah well. i know i deserve better,
but the real question is, can i get better?
anyhoots, so when we were leaving, i made a big whooha about how my wallet's not in my bag.
only after talking to the bouncer, making reports and rumaging through my bag,
did i realise it was with albert.
PFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
oh me so hungry!

next day, woke up at 3ish to get ready for the bbq,
happy timerlion day,
in commeration of tim's little merlion escapade.
naomi came over first to help me with stuff that needed foil,
coz i suck at those.
then we had so much spare time, we made cupcakes!
with nice cookies and cream frosting. SUPERBLY SCRUMPTIOUS!
rachel came, we started out fire.
cooked abit, then felix came, then the rest of the jimbos.
cooked all the food, and we cleared up, tim felix naomi rachel and i.
the best part was when we sprayed water onto the porch, felix trying to reach tim who stood by the sliding door (widely opened)
i was afraid he might have gotta water into the house, so i just tickled felix!
and smart boy let the hose go, and walah.
sprinkler fest on rachel naomi and i.
that was the most fun we've had all these while,
of not having time to come together, since out bintan trip.
i missed my moments like these.
and the black weeners and damn cockroached plastic bag.

the boys were watching troy, the girls were half alseep
and for some reason, no one drank much.
didnt even finish a botle of absolut.
we put season 10 of friends on after.
drinking games were so, on and off.
woohoo (?)
:)
everyone cleared out at about 2am
and i left the room clearing up to the next day
somehow this year wasnt as fun as the last

i didnt go to schooooooooooool anyways.
tsk.
didnt manage to get my ass across the island to watch the aussie army vs blacks.
that would've been one hell'eva game.

and people, please start texting me your contact numbers,
coz i have a replaced sim card with zero contacts.

i feel like a nomad with my life.
and come september i'll be swarmed.
hopefully i get to go on a holiday before that. please.

you are like my armchair,
my invisible safety net.
take me to the umbrella room,
afterall, you're my woderwall.