thelookingglass

Hi, its me.
I'm sorry, i know its late,
but
what happened to us?
i dont know who i am anymore,
or how i got here
i miss who i use to be
i wanna have a home again, you know?
and real friends
the kind of friendships we use to belive in
i miss that
and i miss you

i guess i just miss all of it
it just doesnt make sense.
are you happy?

retard

i dont know if its a problem i have,
that i base my worth of importance,
on the people around me -
who they are, what they mean to me,
possibly, how many?

i'd rather not have,
then to have to lose.
and last night, was just retarded.
a bloody let down.

with my killer hooker heels on,
pushing an additional 4inches,
i've never felt shorter,
and smaller.

so this is what having a 'ty' instead of a 'teen' feels like.
and its only the begining.


i hate this.
i hate being here.

hedontloveyou,likeido.

its exactly what i didnt want to happen-
you opening up a can of worms with whatever you said,
leaving me hanging again.

i don't know which is worse,
you having no recollection of it,
or me actually believing every word you said.

do it, or don't,
i won't wait this one out, again.
you already lost me one too many times.
don't do this to me again, not when i'm in a happier place.

i can't figure you out, ever and never.
there's too many 'again's.
i deserve better then this.
it was good while it lasted.

i love the rain and thunder outside
good theraphy for the soul in moments like these.
and i miss you.

137

got this off ruby's.and i won you dear! :) i'm sorry i've been to busy,to tell you/everyone how much you make a difference in my life/2007.happy new year to all, babies!

whereveryouwillgo

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effortlessly

and i just can't get enough,

of how much you make my heart :)

somethings'notright

i feel like your keeping something from me.
and i dont like that lurking feeling,
where i know less then i should.
when i want to know all of you.

and tonight, i dont want to sleep.
i dont want the day to end,
because i don't know what tomorrow will be like,
and i can't stand if it'll be less then perfect.

i hate not being a part of everything i hold dear.

x'mas is creeping up too fast!
i havnt gotten all the gifts i should get.
my tree is filled with so many many presents.
21 of them for me :)

i realy don't need the presents.
i just need to know what it is you feel.

no once and always.

i'm so upset.
of becoming to know more and more of things,
which prolly i'm not suppose to know of.

i dont understand, still till now.
i hate empty words.
why would you say once a tpiranha always a tpiranha,
when you cant live up to it in action.

i know i made a decision,
because i love the game so much i dont want to limit what i can learn,
and not keep rugby to just touch, but rugby itself.
apparently its so wrong to love the sport so much.
its killing the sport for me, or thing thing called 'team'
i HATE paying for other people's reckless mistakes.
mistakes they are allowed to make,
and that noone seems to care how i've suffered the consequences.

so many things i dont know about.
i 'left the team when i chose contact over touch'
i left, or was made to leave?
so much for saying its up to team consenses.
no one even knows what the hell is going on.
i know maybe if i was a better player, i won't have such an ordeal.
i'd probabely be needed more, or have my feelings more thought about

its becoming so different from before.
you've become different.

its my last fucking year in school,
and already last year i couldnt play.
maybe im still bitter over that,
in that someone whos not trained regularly made the team over me,
and well, she disappeared after.

i really dont like to think its entirely my fault.
it so fucking frustrating that its just becoming pointless reasoning.
and just simply fucking unfair.
i have NEVER felt so useless in my life.

i hate the way i'm treated.
and how decisions are made for me that i have to fucking live with.
the fucking feeling of knowing that i have so much more to offer,
but i cant.

so basically i'm not allowed to be kept in the loop of whats going on.
or informed of competitions unless they are short of pple which lately they have not been.
or not be informed of selections or camps and evertyhing else,
but of a christmas party.

do you chose when i am in the team and when i'm not?
would you like to be treated in the same way?

please tell me what to think,
because i really dont understand you anymore,
and pretending just makes it worse for me.
i dont know how anymore.

priority is school first, then cca.
so its my fault that i cannot make trainings because of sip.
or that i dont try.
even the logic of me turning up in time for cool down is not good enough.
its not effort.

stop treating me like shit.
i really feel like stabbing this pain in my heart away.
do you ever even think for a small second sometimes
how much its fucking hurting inside,

and that theres nothing i can do about it.

read the bottomline

and who knew a great day could be dampened,
by someone who's been making me smile for quite awhile.
i was expecting a storm after a calm,
but just not this quick.

i just hate it when people try to talk across different fruquencies.
it was a silent frustration,
and i didnt sleep much.
rawr?

anyways, back in the office.
i was number 2 in after the receptionist.
dad sent me. he keeps asking us out for dinner.
i guess it COULD be because the elder sister is back in town *yawn*
but i have my suspecisions that he just wants a time when ALL 4 of us can make it,
becuase perhaps he has something important to tell us, together.

my number one suspision;
that he might be getting married, again.
i guess im easy breezy with whatever he wants to do just so long as he's happily living,
as much as theres a part of me that worries if he makes right decisions or not,
i guess its his to make and his to bare consequences/rewards of.
he's a big boy with that unbreakable facade that he always has.

not to sound superficial or whatever,
i do think about where his money will go to.
i guess it would define his priorities,
or significance people have in his life.
someday somehow it has to go somewhere, or to someone(s)
and its just puzzling to know the outcomes.
i'm sure you can only be stingy while you're alive,
and theres only SO much you take with to the grave.
just a thought. a nagging one.

i'll be alright, i'm just fearful of the little one.
or perhaps i'm just paranoid and anticipating a dramatic build-up.
after all there could be many other possibilities.

oh if only there were some sort of device that could freeze the rain as it fell,
so it'll blanket the streets as snow.
that'll be lovely.
and instead of wanting to sleep in on a cold rainy morning,
i'll be running amock on the streets making as many snowmen and angels as i can

and its oh so heartwarming,
when collegues passing by this fishbowl,
and hum and sing along to the christmas carols playing.
christmas is coming! and i still want my winterwonderland.

and of corse the following:

* that oh-so-sexy-and-bling guess watch (leopard + gold)
* W810i (white) - my dearly missed phone who was with me barely 3 months before i lost it
* camera - any darn sexy one would beat having none at all! HA
* prolly one of my old perfumes (since i've pretty much emptied most of my bottles)
ANNA SUI's Dolly Girl would do, either the PINK or BEACH one.
* a new wallet (dark brown, longish one prefably)
* to be cont'd :)

it just had to come sometime soon.
8 more days to the 20th,
13 more days to xmas!!

XX

oh happy day

for the first time in a long time,
i'm having the best day, EVER!
it's just a feeling where you know,
today's gonna be a great day.

there's that cloud nine feeling in my heart,
where i just feel like smiling to the whole world till they're convinced i'm crazy.
that little skip in my step,
that deep breath in with my eyes closed and arms outstretched.

it prolly started waking up after the greatest sleep i've ever had in the longest time.
the only thing that can make the day better is that if it snowed.
impossible, but hey.
i'm convinced that singapore is meant to snow,
just that the sun melted it away.

20th will be the start of my long holidays,
with the many days of block leave given by the company.
21st and 26th has a night event, but :)
i'm just too bubbly.

i love the fishbowl.
and i like how when everyone's too busy in the office, we interns have spirit.
with a xmas tree in the middle, presents under it and my crown sitting there,
with xmas songs on our speakers, it'll be great to know actually secretly,
the other collegues are enjoying it too.
(pictures will be up soon!)

and these are the things that make my heart smile.
christmas is in my heart.
i'm starting to feel so much love admist my pudgyness.

mellon cherry home coming.

i'm finally back!

from the late nights in the office up till 530 am,
to the asean summit itself.
i'm free, and tired.

and i somehow wanted to stay awhile longer,
because the thought of going back to nothing,
makes me feel like nothing.
its a different hurt in the bottom of my heart.

doesnt help that xmas is coming.
the warm and fuzzy cant help but overwhelm me,
followed by a hard fought battle of shrugging it away.
i hate disappointments that's borne upon hope.

on the other hand, i loved coming back to the empty shangri-la apartment.
its my kinda place. a quiet at the end of my day.
my time, with a nice bath and a cuppa tea.
spongebob makes me laugh.

and at this moment in time,
i can't have this wait out much longer.
i want to be in that craddle,
i know i've got so much more to give.

for now, i'll just look for travel company.
for my short beach getaway the coming week hopefully,
and for my around the world in 80 days cum end feb.
to get my mind and heart of things hopefully.

my letter to you II

dear you,

i feel each step your taking,
further and further into the rehlm in which i can't comprehend.
i'm slowly knowing less and less of you.
i can't paint your picture beside me anymore.

and i really feel, like i'm losing my best friend.
it looks as though, you're letting go.
and if its real, then i don't want to know.
don't tell me coz it hurts.

the mile i'm willing to run looks cloudier by the day,
the reason slowly fading away.
do you realise i'm still here?
or do i realise, that perhaps you're not mine?

i'm scared to dial the phone, afraid to fall asleep.
because with you, anticipation is all i have;
and it usually follows by disappointment, empty castles in my sky.
its the gratification i can't live without, only coz its you.

and as always, in my good times and bad,
i wish you were here.

love,
still me.

expectations

We all think we're going to be great

and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But sometimes our expectations sell us short.

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected.

You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations,

because the expected is just what keeps us steady.

Standing. Still.

The expected's just the beginning,

the unexpected is what changes our lives.

=)

and theres nothing left to say,
when i dont know you anymore,
and the best thing left that i can do,
is smile and pretend everything's a-ok
while walking away.

'once' and 'always' don't go together,
i should know.
especially when fate and decisions arnt in your hands,
and when you try, insufficiently.
its so easy to know where you're needed vs wanted.

i just don't know how much further in the corner i can be pushed in.
i don't like the way my feelings are dealt with.
its just pointless, trying to convince myself.
la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa la la

just do whatever you're happy about.
maybe, its just me.
but you, you could have fought harder to be there,
in the way i needed you to be.

perhaps its no ones fault,
no one can take the blame.
but things, outcomes, situations and feelings,
could have been managed so much better.
unless this is safely the best, the only and the last resort.

i'm slowly learning how to have zero expections;
from me, or anyone.
its a wonder how i'm not already use to it,
almost as if im hoping for pigs to fly and cows to fall from the sky.

crappy scrappy weekend

and the best thing about the weekend,
was the sun.

i can't stand the sound of silence.

after a whole week of mad working since 7am in the morning,
i'd think i'd be thankful for the weekend.
esp with the scc 7s as well.
but no.
my weekend was quite shitty.

other then my moments with shimona at haji lane
and sharing a banana spilt with her after saturday's rugby.
and aruging with hadi in the car bacause he wouldnt stop making me feel worse.
to the mexican lunch for rachel's 20th
and laughing at silly rugby players making the most of the 1hr rain.

i somehow wished things were different,
though i know there's nothing i can change.
or maybe i can change me,
coz i think there's something wrong.
things don't always look up for me,
they dont go in my favour.

and i think i deserve better then this,
at least whatever i'm being dealt now;
the way i'm treated by you -
that of which i'll never come to understand.

at least try to see how i'm coping in such a circumstance,
and get to know the person you'd never come to see.
because i'm better then that.

its not like i havn't, tried and tried.
i've been keeping clear, of stepping on the cracks.
missed just enough to keep me coming back.
oh i've waited for better angels

better late then not at all.
better to make the break, then to take the fall
i wouldnt mind hanging on,
if i could find out what i'm hanging from.

still hoping better angels come to me,
it's a woman's worth.

and there is no medication for the soul.

and so far.

i've never tried as hard before to hold back my tears.
too many things at once.
i want to run away, with nowhere in mind.
the thought of running nowhere's becoming so much more appealing then the here and now.

i don't like the way things are turning out,
i don't want to be a bad person.
and i don't like it even more that there's absolutely nothing;
and nothing i can do about it.

i wish you'd realise the abuse you put me through.
the way you speak to me, belittling.
the way you look at me, as if all you see is what's in front of you,
minus a beating heart, and real emotions.

i'm only human; a struggling one,
with too heavy a load on my shoulders that i can't take for long.
there's so much dwelled up in my mind and heart and eyes.
i never figured me as one to be a quitter.

i've always hated dragging my feet.
i'm hating having too much to hate.
why i ever this hateful?

i need devine intervention,
or just support and a comforting warmth would be nice,
and assurance that somehow, things are alright.
that i'll be alright.
or just everything'll be alright.
teach me how.




so far, this is the worse i've ever been.

your winter

The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child

In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else, what else can't I do?

I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry ,but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you

Why do you choose your pain?
If you only know how much I love you

I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

A frozen image of ourselves
Innocent and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while

You read my eyes just like your diary,
oh remember, please remember

Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself,
And I don't wanna hate myself, don't wanna hurt you

If you only knew how much


and i had a dream about you.
i'm good to go away now.
i hate not knowing,
and then knowing, its not.

i miss you so.

brazilian thread.

i loved my monday.
work was slow but enough to get me by.
met shawn for dinner,
right after my bus blunder.
took 196 and didnt know where the bloody hell to alight.
went all the way to kallang or something, where i just alighted coz i saw plenty of cabs on the opposite side.
and alas, the overhead bridge was under construction so no way of getting across the massive traffic.
so just took a cab down, waited quite abit.
headed to marina to meet shawn and bought him dinner.
thai dinner was great, i always love our conversation.
the food was a little too spicy, i swear there was a small flame.
walked around, bought myself a book called "blink",
recommended by shawn, about people and first impressions.
can't wait to get to it.
also the notebook that i've always fancied, as well as a cd
which i thought i'd take a chance with coz i only loved one song.
(turns out i dont really fancy the album!)
shawn bought us ice creams, god was i stuffed!!
home it was and bumped into marli on the train.

tuesday morning i woke up feeling horrid, so i went back into bed,
but still pre occupied with work
till about noonish, i got out to get my mc,
and decided to do all my errands that i dont normally have time to do coz of work.
met lu at 2.30, she was late.
thus giving me the time to spend freaking $123 on personal items from watsons.
and to orcahrd we went, coz we wanted to get a brazilian.
i think i have a high tolerance of pain,
not too surprising when it came to me i guess.
but yeah, gosh the wax felt warm, and the lady was so friendly.
anyway, mine was done in a flash, hurt a minimal, and i was sweating. ha.
then went on to thread my brows.
it doesnt look at all bad, made it much neater,
but i just freaked out when she did the top part of the brows,
coz i always left it untouched, coz i just do. and well, bye bye :(
lu went for the brazilian, and gosh, everyone had a good giggle with her reactions.
he YEEEEOUCHes, and OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! haha.
she still perks my day up, always.
walked around, and i managed to get the cd changed.
diana krall it was.
met a few of the interns at the singapore visitor centre in their so kung-fu-ish uniforms,
poor haha, hang in there darlin! and samuel, you learn kung-fu kuku bird? :)
and i bought a pair of sunnies!
jean-luc suddenly called me and i immediately spotted him across the road.
silly man.
met shimo, and went for training.

training was good, my legs are so sleepy its almost hard to move em.
the freshies this year are zzz. no comment.
i guess everyone starts off like that, but its just a different amount they are willing to put in,
which translates into the message of a very minimal amount they expect to get out.
and because of me being half blind with no contact lenses on,
and the damn astro turf being poorly lit,
and a super hard steeden and a shitty pass,
that somehow hit my fingertips,
and my middle finger became purple for abit, and hurt for alot.
so much for high tolerance of pain.
now its just swollen and hurts with minute movements.
game time was orgasmic;
i still have my fitness in me under the layers of blabber,
lasted quite abit at quite a pace (then again its night so not too reliable, but whatever)
and best when i scored on the restart, straight run for the tri line.
and the bestest is the somewhat double loop on the wing side, resulting on a 3 on 1!
it was fuckin awesome, made my effort of coming down all fuckin worth it.
tho i hate hate hate shouting at people coz they're just blatantly not making effort.
not too surprised but quite upset knowing that its prolly inevitable that some people might think i'm a bitch.
ho hum.
i particularly loved seeing marian, suria, ruby and of corse shimo.
not to mention play with all of them .
left early coz i just couldnt stay.

so now i'm home, with my nachos on the side,
after a nice long warm bathe,
i feel so fresh and clean.
and a useless middle finger and a still achy breaky back,
and a freaking hole in my freakin wallet.
there goes my first pay cheque! literally, swear. within 2 days.
kiss goodbye.


i keep your messages, to remind me of the person you are,
and the person you make me to be.
maybe it'll be different.
and maybes gone too far.

denial

so i survived a 6 day work week.

monday the usual routine,
and met danny with intentions for kebabs.
then met rachel, tim, agnes, wei kiat and muna, and ended up at pasta mania.
did i mention, danny and i are on our food quest for all the various food cravings we're having.
so far, we've done the sushi, the pasta, the salmon sandwich, even carl's jr.
hokkien mee too and laksa on seperate occasions.
next up is his bar chor mee, prawn noodles and fish and co.
recipe for a reserved position as prop.
i love haagen daz ice cream!

tuesday, routine repeated, with a few meetings.
wednesday had an event which i was involved,
i LOVE the walkies. its too cool.
the earpiece to the ear, sweeeeeeeeet
the colleagues dont say it but i know, they loved my chinese song i sang over it.
*wink*
and i swear scandinavian men are mostly carbon copies,
at least for the old foggies.
blonde hair, fair, blue eyes, sharp nose, receeding hairline.
and they're so cheeky!
one of em went into the lift, and ran back passing me him name badge
"keep this in memory of me darlin"
and another while i was escorting them into their bus
"arnt u gon hold my hand sweetheart?"
haaaaaaaaaa.
ultimate backache after long hours of standing please.

thursday short hours in the office, because of on-site briefing for the weekend at one15 marina.
i swear the marina is so luxurious,
its like a dream.
the pool area, the private dining lounge. too perfect.
thats the defination of lifestyle of the rich and famous.
i want.
and the boats, lovely.
the view, awesome.
the serenity, priceless.
the steph, dreaming.

friday was mundane, and a slight jolt of looking forward to a break on the weekend/sunday.
saturday early in the morning to sentosa.
gosh, i went to the single unisex toilet and to my horror,
this guy was taking a shit, NAKED!
god, for fuck's sake, lock the freaking toilet.
and why naked?
kept seeing him throughout the day as well,
talk about awkward, he was the conceirge, and he even called a cab for me.
surprised i recognised you with your clothes on aie?

headed to bq after.
nothing like a cold beer and good rugby on tv.
pierre lost his bet and had to walk around barefooted,
though he cheated and short lived it by going home.
PFFFT.
mos with shawn and danny, bumped into chris there.
not on top form you were, well and then neither was i.
emptiness.
i just wished my saturday ended better though.
i need comfort.
waking up on sunday feels tiring.
dont help the boss calls at noon with things for you to see to.

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass.
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim.
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon.
We can only lie to ourselves for so long.
We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth.
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world.
Head on, guns blazing.
De Nile (denial).
It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean.
So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

i'm not the sort who has the right words or actions for everything.
and i just wished i knew how to make it simple for you to see, hear, feel and understand,
every single thing that is running through my mind and churning in my heart,
only when it comes to you.