the perfect man
can be anywhere in the world
but he choses to be with her
because life is better by her side.

daddy'sgirl

and i had a bad bad dream,
that i wish never to happen.
it brings tears to my eyes.

breaking point

i dont know if its because ive held on so long,
or that ive been distracted by being busy
that its a long time coming, blindsidedly
i'm having a breakdown.

but never have i found myself crying on the kitchen floor
i hate how things always ALWAYS happen all at once.
information/emotion overload.
all different things and feelings all at once,
i don't know where to start

to start with dealing with loss and getting over waiting.
with unforeseen circumstances and news
with insecurity, with work, with less time for familiar faces,
less time for z's, things going on at home, with my dog getting better.
its everything, just everything at once.
almost like a forced moodswing with everything that's going on.

frustration, worry, depression, satisfaction, relief, anxiousness, excitement, greif.
where do i begin?
how do i put time on a standstill?

i just really need a moment to stop and breath.
or better yet, just wake up to see, know and feel things dissapear.

it would help and be assuring to know someone, anyone understands.
and tell me it'll be alright and mean it.
to know that ive not lost the tracks and prints of my past,
because that's the only thing reminding me how strong i am,
and how strong i can be with familiarity and assurance.

i cant do this on my on.
not now, and not for long.
tomorrow, i'll just carry myself like i'm fine
afterall i think i'm getting good at it.

i never knew

no courtesy of goodbye.
and all i hear, is the sound of my failing heart.
the heart that once beat for you.
the one that you made skip.

i've already missed you.
no one person could ever stretch the extremes of emotions;
of happy highs to depressing lows.
you've done it all, only you.

perhaps, i never had you.
not the you that only i saw and see.
yet why am i blaming, me?




i need the beach soon.
i need to get away.
somewhere, someplace.
some unknown.

so i can be as alone as i feel.

<3

just beautiful.

puts a smile on my face and heart,

each time.

and this too...

for abit of an obvious (different) reason.

but if you find this breed/potential breed wandering the streets,

give me a call.

lessthenperfect

nowadays, im believing less and less of what people say and do.
walking oxymoronic juxterpositions.
how people are easily swayed out of their supposedly firm stance.
i guess that's what people do once their bored or given less attention,
they move on.

superficial world, go to hell.

and i'm so oftened kept in the dark,
yet not already used to it.
maybe least of all, from you.
that's what plastic is made of aie?

i know all of you, less.

Long Time Promise.

Dear Anonymous,

I have waited a long while. Time has gone by.
And I think you should uphold your end of the deal.

I'm referring to my tag board, a long time ago.
I have waited. And now, I have graduated.
It's time you told me who you are,
and what was it you had to say.

I've been patient.
So tell me. Before curiosity kills me.
A promise is a promise.



Love,
Me.

hokker M.V.P-uki womens 7s

my first m.v.p.
i didnt really feel i deserved it, i wasnt outstanding.
all thanks to my absense from training and exercise altogether.
but im glad i didnt give up.
and neither did we.

womens 7s on saturday was fun.
we played with 7 players, no subs.
we REALLY need to get numbers,
and more support.
but i always love my time with the girls,
on and off the pitch.

had my moments during the game.
esp when i was unexpectedly appointed hooker.
trurt me, a transition for a relatively newbie backline to a forward,
it quite a scary crash corse, esp on game day.
in a scrum, everyone saw my knickers.
a few scary moments when i wasnt sure if i was going to catch the ball as i felt it slipping around my body.
yes, around.
all in all, was a good game.
i'm kinda liking the hooker position.
exposure to many positions certainly would help any player improve prospectives of an overall game, and be flexible.
definately a note to work on my fitness and conditioning.
calves cramped up too many times.

after the games, went to rania's for a shower
already then i felt so sore with 4 blueblacks showing.
i brews easily.
met brooke and we headed to bq for food.
cant believe i went the whole day with just one bun in the morning
beers at night was crazy. havnt been out with the girls for so long.
did our fines.
we lost the boat race to the boys by one person! we could have won but dear frenchie coach lost it for us.
and didnt really notice till one of the fellas pointed out that i smoked nick dance.
i think he wasnt even trying on the first time, and i beat him.
the second time the dude bought the round for a rematch,
i won again. but i knew my boobs had some to drink, and im sure nick knew too.
but he was a good sport.
cant wait for another boat race! :)

off to pump room.
I REMEMBER I FELL. HAHA.
then to cheeeeena one with daniel.
bought nick and dan a round of flaming lambos.
their poison. nick feel asleep soon after,
and we left for mos, studio 54 to check out the dj
and daniel fell asleep soon after..
last i saw of daniel was him walking away and coming back to throw my wallet at me.
i quickly rushed to macs after to beat breakfast menu coz me li-ke some currrrly fries.
then home it was.

pigged out he whole of sunday while feeling like a stiff 60 yr old.
mad cravings i had, most of which satisfied.
from my morning fries and hash browns,
to ben and jerrys, instant noodles (wtf), laksa, crab!, chicken chop. OMG.
went to hit some (golf) balls at the field near mine. lost about half of what we brought out.
i have a record of missing the ball entirely for 4 times in a row.
cravings yet satisfied: sushi/salmon, thai food, satay.
and i have a heck of a meal menu in mind that i want to whip up,
just thinking of who for and when for.

so be nice to me.
stop and stare

mr.s-a

as much as i appreciate this first time honesty,
i hate that you didnt even try
its not a selfish thing you're trying to do
but not giving me enough credit
or the way you handled things
i can never figure you out
just when i was slowly phasing you out,
you say things i needed to hear
only to not substantiate it with actions
i'm just a sucker for believing you again
and once again i'm left stranded.
so with a bitter taste behind my throat
i remove pins of hope and the messages i keep.

so here we go again,
i'm starting on my own
i'm not that bad, am i?
maybe you deserve better,
but so did i, from what seemed like the beginnging.
if it was all true, i don't see how you can let it fall to this.
i can't wait to get out of here,
it just holds nothing to me.

and to what could have been, and whoever you want to be.
you were the boy who i could really love.

thelookingglass

Hi, its me.
I'm sorry, i know its late,
but
what happened to us?
i dont know who i am anymore,
or how i got here
i miss who i use to be
i wanna have a home again, you know?
and real friends
the kind of friendships we use to belive in
i miss that
and i miss you

i guess i just miss all of it
it just doesnt make sense.
are you happy?

retard

i dont know if its a problem i have,
that i base my worth of importance,
on the people around me -
who they are, what they mean to me,
possibly, how many?

i'd rather not have,
then to have to lose.
and last night, was just retarded.
a bloody let down.

with my killer hooker heels on,
pushing an additional 4inches,
i've never felt shorter,
and smaller.

so this is what having a 'ty' instead of a 'teen' feels like.
and its only the begining.


i hate this.
i hate being here.

hedontloveyou,likeido.

its exactly what i didnt want to happen-
you opening up a can of worms with whatever you said,
leaving me hanging again.

i don't know which is worse,
you having no recollection of it,
or me actually believing every word you said.

do it, or don't,
i won't wait this one out, again.
you already lost me one too many times.
don't do this to me again, not when i'm in a happier place.

i can't figure you out, ever and never.
there's too many 'again's.
i deserve better then this.
it was good while it lasted.

i love the rain and thunder outside
good theraphy for the soul in moments like these.
and i miss you.

137

got this off ruby's.and i won you dear! :) i'm sorry i've been to busy,to tell you/everyone how much you make a difference in my life/2007.happy new year to all, babies!

whereveryouwillgo

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

effortlessly

and i just can't get enough,

of how much you make my heart :)

somethings'notright

i feel like your keeping something from me.
and i dont like that lurking feeling,
where i know less then i should.
when i want to know all of you.

and tonight, i dont want to sleep.
i dont want the day to end,
because i don't know what tomorrow will be like,
and i can't stand if it'll be less then perfect.

i hate not being a part of everything i hold dear.

x'mas is creeping up too fast!
i havnt gotten all the gifts i should get.
my tree is filled with so many many presents.
21 of them for me :)

i realy don't need the presents.
i just need to know what it is you feel.

no once and always.

i'm so upset.
of becoming to know more and more of things,
which prolly i'm not suppose to know of.

i dont understand, still till now.
i hate empty words.
why would you say once a tpiranha always a tpiranha,
when you cant live up to it in action.

i know i made a decision,
because i love the game so much i dont want to limit what i can learn,
and not keep rugby to just touch, but rugby itself.
apparently its so wrong to love the sport so much.
its killing the sport for me, or thing thing called 'team'
i HATE paying for other people's reckless mistakes.
mistakes they are allowed to make,
and that noone seems to care how i've suffered the consequences.

so many things i dont know about.
i 'left the team when i chose contact over touch'
i left, or was made to leave?
so much for saying its up to team consenses.
no one even knows what the hell is going on.
i know maybe if i was a better player, i won't have such an ordeal.
i'd probabely be needed more, or have my feelings more thought about

its becoming so different from before.
you've become different.

its my last fucking year in school,
and already last year i couldnt play.
maybe im still bitter over that,
in that someone whos not trained regularly made the team over me,
and well, she disappeared after.

i really dont like to think its entirely my fault.
it so fucking frustrating that its just becoming pointless reasoning.
and just simply fucking unfair.
i have NEVER felt so useless in my life.

i hate the way i'm treated.
and how decisions are made for me that i have to fucking live with.
the fucking feeling of knowing that i have so much more to offer,
but i cant.

so basically i'm not allowed to be kept in the loop of whats going on.
or informed of competitions unless they are short of pple which lately they have not been.
or not be informed of selections or camps and evertyhing else,
but of a christmas party.

do you chose when i am in the team and when i'm not?
would you like to be treated in the same way?

please tell me what to think,
because i really dont understand you anymore,
and pretending just makes it worse for me.
i dont know how anymore.

priority is school first, then cca.
so its my fault that i cannot make trainings because of sip.
or that i dont try.
even the logic of me turning up in time for cool down is not good enough.
its not effort.

stop treating me like shit.
i really feel like stabbing this pain in my heart away.
do you ever even think for a small second sometimes
how much its fucking hurting inside,

and that theres nothing i can do about it.

read the bottomline

and who knew a great day could be dampened,
by someone who's been making me smile for quite awhile.
i was expecting a storm after a calm,
but just not this quick.

i just hate it when people try to talk across different fruquencies.
it was a silent frustration,
and i didnt sleep much.
rawr?

anyways, back in the office.
i was number 2 in after the receptionist.
dad sent me. he keeps asking us out for dinner.
i guess it COULD be because the elder sister is back in town *yawn*
but i have my suspecisions that he just wants a time when ALL 4 of us can make it,
becuase perhaps he has something important to tell us, together.

my number one suspision;
that he might be getting married, again.
i guess im easy breezy with whatever he wants to do just so long as he's happily living,
as much as theres a part of me that worries if he makes right decisions or not,
i guess its his to make and his to bare consequences/rewards of.
he's a big boy with that unbreakable facade that he always has.

not to sound superficial or whatever,
i do think about where his money will go to.
i guess it would define his priorities,
or significance people have in his life.
someday somehow it has to go somewhere, or to someone(s)
and its just puzzling to know the outcomes.
i'm sure you can only be stingy while you're alive,
and theres only SO much you take with to the grave.
just a thought. a nagging one.

i'll be alright, i'm just fearful of the little one.
or perhaps i'm just paranoid and anticipating a dramatic build-up.
after all there could be many other possibilities.

oh if only there were some sort of device that could freeze the rain as it fell,
so it'll blanket the streets as snow.
that'll be lovely.
and instead of wanting to sleep in on a cold rainy morning,
i'll be running amock on the streets making as many snowmen and angels as i can

and its oh so heartwarming,
when collegues passing by this fishbowl,
and hum and sing along to the christmas carols playing.
christmas is coming! and i still want my winterwonderland.

and of corse the following:

* that oh-so-sexy-and-bling guess watch (leopard + gold)
* W810i (white) - my dearly missed phone who was with me barely 3 months before i lost it
* camera - any darn sexy one would beat having none at all! HA
* prolly one of my old perfumes (since i've pretty much emptied most of my bottles)
ANNA SUI's Dolly Girl would do, either the PINK or BEACH one.
* a new wallet (dark brown, longish one prefably)
* to be cont'd :)

it just had to come sometime soon.
8 more days to the 20th,
13 more days to xmas!!

XX

oh happy day

for the first time in a long time,
i'm having the best day, EVER!
it's just a feeling where you know,
today's gonna be a great day.

there's that cloud nine feeling in my heart,
where i just feel like smiling to the whole world till they're convinced i'm crazy.
that little skip in my step,
that deep breath in with my eyes closed and arms outstretched.

it prolly started waking up after the greatest sleep i've ever had in the longest time.
the only thing that can make the day better is that if it snowed.
impossible, but hey.
i'm convinced that singapore is meant to snow,
just that the sun melted it away.

20th will be the start of my long holidays,
with the many days of block leave given by the company.
21st and 26th has a night event, but :)
i'm just too bubbly.

i love the fishbowl.
and i like how when everyone's too busy in the office, we interns have spirit.
with a xmas tree in the middle, presents under it and my crown sitting there,
with xmas songs on our speakers, it'll be great to know actually secretly,
the other collegues are enjoying it too.
(pictures will be up soon!)

and these are the things that make my heart smile.
christmas is in my heart.
i'm starting to feel so much love admist my pudgyness.

mellon cherry home coming.

i'm finally back!

from the late nights in the office up till 530 am,
to the asean summit itself.
i'm free, and tired.

and i somehow wanted to stay awhile longer,
because the thought of going back to nothing,
makes me feel like nothing.
its a different hurt in the bottom of my heart.

doesnt help that xmas is coming.
the warm and fuzzy cant help but overwhelm me,
followed by a hard fought battle of shrugging it away.
i hate disappointments that's borne upon hope.

on the other hand, i loved coming back to the empty shangri-la apartment.
its my kinda place. a quiet at the end of my day.
my time, with a nice bath and a cuppa tea.
spongebob makes me laugh.

and at this moment in time,
i can't have this wait out much longer.
i want to be in that craddle,
i know i've got so much more to give.

for now, i'll just look for travel company.
for my short beach getaway the coming week hopefully,
and for my around the world in 80 days cum end feb.
to get my mind and heart of things hopefully.