making plans

a wise man once said
"if you fail to plan, you plan to fail",
but that wise man never continued to explain,
what if that plan fails, what then?
why plan?

my plans never seem to pan out,
it often led me down different roads,
and having too much assumptions, faith and hope.
that ultimatey leads to a path of disappointments.

im a goal oriented person, naturally i make plans
based on logical current situations.
and situations change.
back at to the drawing board at square 1 i draw new contingency plans.
so how do i learn to live a day at a time.

10 years ago, i DEFINATELY didnt plan on being where i am now.
i was suppose to be sucessful even at a young age.
i never even thought id be in university.
i had so many people believe in me that made me believe in myself even more.
but life took a different path for me.
decisions i sometimes cannot comprehend.

but ive made new friends and saw myself having less good friends.
coming back 2 weeks ago you just know,
who makes the time and effort to be happy that you're back,
and catch up with you and tell lies that 'no, youre not THAT fat'.

those that remember you dont eat wasabi with your sushi so gets
seperate soy sauce dishes.
those who stay up all night lying in the dark talking about how it was like
when we were young, and laugh till the sun rises.
those who you dont see or talk to as often as you should,
but theres a silent comfort that you've known that person for so much of your life
and life to come that you're part of this big circle.
those who've popped up at intervals of your life and seen you at your many stages.
those, who've been there long long time.

just in the span of 2 weeks, i got to spend birthdays with important people in my life.
my best friend lu-anne, and the twice in a week international buffet
at fairmont hotel till my stomach was pressing my lungs.
oysters and prawns will prolly be soon in extinction. but YUM.

my good friend alyssa, whom i known since pri1.
she holds a special place in my memory and heart. shes prolly the only
person outside of my family thats seen the phases of my hairstyles, LOL!
got to see and hangout with my dear rachel as well,
i wished the clock stops when im with you the IPHONE HOGGER!!

my good friend naomi, though i havnt seen her in a long while,
my dive buddy still laughs at my cheesy texts msgs, and i miss you the most.

my dear sister tiffany, whos birthday is this sunday.
i love you best my girl. ok, maybe u have to fight that position out
with bird. she does after all spend more nights pigging out with me over
movies. but near or far, when it comes to you, i know you're always there
and i hope you remember its the same for you, and more.

i got to see and club with a few of my favourite touch girls from TP,
shimo, ruby and lu. was sad to miss haha who went to bangkok,
azlina, supi and dee, i miss you too! hopefully a kumar night before i leave.

and all this, i never planned. it just happened.
and its what i wanted and more.
so underneath it all, can someone just shoot that wise man.
his theory didnt really work for me :)
plans are hopeful routes you draw out and hope that itll pay off,
hopes come with disappointments.


well, until i feel otherwise.
eyes only lock in chick flicks and not in the real world.
i know, because nothing lasts forever.
so why plan to.

as long as i know where the people i love are,
thats where i know my heart and hopes lie,
and that's where i plan to keep it.
i feel comfort in playing it safe.

beauty in the breakdown.

hello goodbye

and im holding on to the last ounce of hope and faith
that 'things' come with patience.
people always leave, ive had enough of goodbyes.
i'm never good with it.

im never good being on my own.
im just missing the part where i have that someone else,
who brings out the best in me, carefreely.
or maybe i just have to learn to do that for myself on my own.

in time.
i'll just wait to be found whilst drowning
in let downs and disappointments.
deeper and deeper as i lose sight of who i am
and where i want to be.

i'll be better, at waiting.
this game is not as fun anymore.
where somethings so simple are so simply overlooked.
im getting used to the cringing pain in this beating thing within my chest
that i'm quite liking it.

there's something out there, i can feel it
but i can't see the tracks in this darkness.
can someone hand me the torch light and hold my hand?
but for now, for tonight, after my bedside prayer
i'll fall asleep curled up like a child with a pillow behind my back;

hopeful.

blessed

stephanie is blessed.
to have so many people who touch my life, in many little ways.

lulu
your understanding of my thoughts and feelings even from another continent astounds me, how we pull each other through on the same boat and brave the storm together. no one knows and understands me like you do, nor makes me laugh till its too hot to handle. i love you bestie. ps, you're not average.


rachel merrie chong chong
for being that listening ear when i least expect it. i miss you darl, and i can't wait to be back, drinkin whisky out of the bottle, not thinking about tomorrow! (and then drawing tic tac toe on your back)


charlene
for being the one and only person who cares so much, enough to want to sit and watch me cry my heart out. usually i cry alone because i'm proud like that but it actually felt darn good. no thanks can never be enough my awesome possem friend.


daniel osgodby
me guy bestie, you ze best. even though we don't speak as often as we do or should, i always know you got my back like i got yours. and when my world turns to grey, i know you will still somehow fart out a rainbow, if not a absinth shot. to my quiz night buddy who can drink shots after shots after shots and still survive to stagger to mcdonalds and catch the cab after 6am surcharge, cheers to that buddy and i call for another boatrace so i can beat more guys.


my john butler pascal
for putting the rythm back into my life in your simple hippie ways; spontaneous dancing and singing into torch lights, cooking awesome dinners which you catch especially crusty the crayfish, fellow waste of couch space over foreign films (to me at least) and for sitting through the WHOLE day of mixed touch. who knew tasteless rice bubbles without milk (pronounced mee-ilk) was so much fun popping and tossing and yum on nuttela on bread. ps, i still love milo better.


ine and anand
for the cold hard slaps of truth from prospectives ive never considered. the sense and truth that i've so stubbornly ignored or blind to see. like a rainbow after a storm, it was easier feeling unalone.

yaz
for taking charlene and i fishing. its bloody thereputhic, move over shopping theraphy. and for your kind compliments, you're my pillar of assurance.

my housemates; hani, morgan, paul, hans
for being the familiar faces i come home to everyday, like home away from home. who put up with my sulky self on my off days, when i'm just a waste of space on the couch over wii or movies after movies, leave me alone at scary movies late at night in the dark, watch me slice my thumb while making mojitoes/fingers and being cool about it, keeps my 6 o'clock simpsons spot on the couch for me. mexican night soon will be a blast.

skype!
for letting me connect with my family back home, seeing the face to the voice and my morning glory! :) i miss everyone, the safe santuary home is and its warmth admidst the crazy squeeling whining and laughter in the house of girls. am counting down the days till i'm back.


family
those that i see here once in awhile for catch ups over lunch, coffee or beer. its my escape whe the world gets hella crazy. vettie b, talking wogs and hogs over cheesy wedges, beer, wine, frengeliko as we hopped from como to windsor to burswood, made me feel hella better and normal.

kevin
you keep it real for me, dawg.

alyssa ann de souza
for just being along part of my life with cherishable memories as we grew up, studied together, played together, worked together, laughed and partied together. not many people can say 'i know her since i was 7', and its been hawsome.


hafizah hamzah
i miss your peaches, skinny ass. i can't wait to catch up with you when i'm back! gossip and updates. i miss you and our bus 23 trips.



when i'm down, i always come to think in my wandering silence.
how did i ever leave everyone i love behind?
then i've realised, i've been lucky to love.
and be loved.

to those that i've not mentioned, seen or heard from (and vice versa),
you're not forgotten.
and i'm certain our paths will cross one way or another.
because i'm truly blessed.
to have met so many beautiful souls in this lifetime.

and underneath it all,
i'm a happy contented girl just knowing this feeling.
that i'm blessed. <3

gone fishing too

lovely day out, to get some air and relax.
reeling in thoughts and casting out emotions.
our first spot under the bridge was nice.
cold, but nice to just stop, lay back and watch clouds above float by;
the sweet smell of carefree in this cruel world.






caught 4 fishies!! but they damn blowies :(

but somtimes, it always comes down to your signs.

on how i try to go away like you want,
when everything around just reminds me of you.

being lost in a moment, almost like being

half naked on a scooter up this long winding road.
and if this is the big man's idea of a joke,
it sure as hell is funny.

its a snigger, a 5 second lapse; the standstill.
followed by a baby sigh,
before you continue trekking forward,
trying not to trip like a clumsy bum.

we rocked up to this black____ place

where people go cliff jumping.

spectaculor.

maybe somewhere in the universe,

someone understands how it is like,

by being in your moment, or is in that same moment.

almost like a syncronised heartbeat and

reason behind a decietful smile and truthful eyes.

because when life is short, cruel and unpredictable,

you indulge desperately in evert sweet pleasure that comes along.

maybe, i'm just a dreamer.

the final letter, j.

its heartwrenching.
to feel like that secret that never existed.
thrown out and forgotten like yesterdays trash.
ive been brought on a ride, it was only good for you.
it was never me to begin with, was it.

i was the inbetweener, the rebound.
why couldnt you be proud of me?
because i wasnt good enough?
why are you so indifferent?
i was just the rebound.

and it hurts even more at how fast you want me to move on,
because you found another option to move on with.
i hope you're happy that you've crush the thread of hope i hang on to,
that belief that this world has a place for love and compassion.

i'm still that girl who pulls your shirt up from the back of the scooter,
who laughs at youur orchestra of farts, who lazes in bed with icypoles while watching tele,
who puts up with ur long phone calls when we're out together,
who watches you get pissed on 2 glasses of wine then take care of you at night,
who tells you which shoes to wear because quite frankly, your first choices doesnt match,
who says she won't kiss you till you shave but still do anyways,
who waits to have dinner with you, who wakes up early when you go to work.
i'm still that girl you sat with on the bench by the river as black swans swam past.

and when your ideal chick comes along, you don't hesitate to tell me 'move on'.
so i dont know how less a hurt to feel, that i couldn't make you stay.
that you're already intimate with someone else.
that my fear of being replaced, has happened.
that everytime the door outside my window slams,
i listen for that knock on my front door,
and now know why, that day will never come again.

i waited, and you pushed me away from behind the wall you hide behind in your heart.
i ran, and you watched me go as you took steps back into your life.
like i never happened.
you've killed me and all that i feel in that organ beating in my chest.
and i know, you've actually made your mind up,
right from the very start.

and one day, i'll find that hope once again.
if not with you, with someone else.
and i'll hang on to it.
i have too much love in my heart, to waste it on tears.

love,
the last of me.

lovelockdown

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

So you never know, never never know
Never know enough, 'til it's over, love'
Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin', "No, no, no, n-no!?

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I wanna move but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin' to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself and still keep you too

So I keep in mind when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did I tell ya for it finally got through?
You lose, you lose

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life
We're just racin? time, where's the finish line?

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I bet no one knew, I got no one new
Know I said I'm through, but got love for you
But I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to

Gotta keep it goin', keep the lovin' goin'
Keep it on a roll, only God knows
If I be with you, baby I'm confused
You choose, you choose

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I don't need you
I've been down this road, too many times before
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to

So keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, you lose

-Kayne West - Love Lockdown <3

the letter j(ii)

im leaving, because theres no reason for me to stay.
and beacause you've made it easy.
i missed you. its so hard when everything around me reminds me of you.
but you're indifferent.
blind to how my heart bleeds behind my half plastic smile.
deaf to my screaming pain.
almost like a stranger, you don't see me.
you're doing alright when i'm the wreck.
so why should i do this to myself when you're all good.
maybe its me who needs you.

but no more.
its closure, when you had a chance you dont take.
its something we both have to live with.
at least my concious is clear.
and i hope you'll find everything, worth it.
because i was.

still, me

the letter j

when everything is not enough,
it leaves you in shambles of second guessing yourself.
and i gave it my all, ive loved ever so passionately.
all i wanted was to be seen, like a human with a beating heart.
respected and appreciated.
i'm not second best, i screamed on deaf ears.

why do i let you beat me down?
i make myself the victim of your excuses of wrong timings.
i'm not a mistake, my decisions were.
i stood by you, and you stood by as i climbed away with battered knees.

i'm better then this, and so were the you i thought i knew.
if this is your way of getting over you hurdles, i want no part of it.
how could you be so cruel, yet you expect honesty from me.
im no a saint, but i wish this on no one.

this is my reminder of not letting myself love me less
for someone else's benefits and ignorance
you dont deserve me, and i dont deserve this.
so be happy - buy yourself a boat, a car,
a new house with a different body between your sheets everynight.

i'm done with waiting, you're not good news.
and ive been tainted by the real world where sex is the answer,
where scandals, meaningless one sided conversations and flirts keep that smile on your face.
and i thought i was the one living in denial.

how could you tear me down like this,
when ive been nothing but the best to you.
i hope youre happy now.
and eventually ill learn to be once again.

me.

gone fishing, FINALLY.

so finally, we've gone fishing.
straight off the streets of freo, drunk, dancing and screaming our hearts content.
are we human, or are we dancers? ha.
woodmand point was out own after party,
casting rods, basking in the sun on the pier.
all i caught was a sock, and a GIGANTIC starfish trampled into our cage.

did i mention, it was GIGANTIC?

vblay

valentines day and santa claus have alot in common.
they should take it up with the lepricorns.

january 2009

growing up in a place you're whole life,
you get bored of it after awhile.
everythings slowly changing, like ants scrambling even quicker.
slowly, home seems migratory.


so i went back to perth a month early.
spent more time being independant,
more time with people whom i dont usually do.
who'd ever thought going to the beach alone on a nice summer day was an escape.
ipod with good shuffles, cosmo, sun and sand.


got to spend my 21st undrunk as i wanted.
with friends, and family.
ive never felt so blessed.
even without a birthday cake and candle for a wish.
i think i cheated last year with two.

but i was content. i was free.
lone trips to the mall, to the grocers, to the beach.
dancing like no ones watching.
and that was my january.

i wear my heart on my sleeve and hide behind a smile.
and it felt darn good.
but there'll always be that missing piece, i cant figure what.
or its exact emotion or trigger.
i feel less then the best of me.
i think its called, a secret yearning.

but for now, i'll just twirl in the moment.
and leave bull wrestlings for tomorrows.

happyohnine

the first moments of 2009 was euphoric.
hopefully it was enough of a blast to last the whole year through.

last week in perth

my last week in perth before flying home
like a holiday before coming home.

rushed to pack all my stuff.

was going to move and stay at bernie's till friday

week started out with nandos! mr eds and aunt merles picked those up

and then me and my loads of bags up and headed to beeliar.

hard to believe maddison had just got out of surgery

she was still literally boucning off walls!

and her baby's head is made of stone. my head knows.

nandos extra spicy, yumm.

maddison made her muffins, and i came to the conclusion

that kids like to finish their last bit of chocolate snack

by smearing it all over their face.

rest of the evening and night was over bottles of wine,

more chicken, and movies till late late in the morning.

wednesday was a lazy day in.

all of us pretty much sat around in the lounge doing nothing.

i got to a little packing of what im bringing home with me.

berns made carbonara for dinner and that was shiokadoos!

had a night out with her to newport! HAHA.

and we had fun.

from guys who thought we were mother and daughter!

and who thought we were japanese, only for me to speak rubbish japanese to him,

with him replying in real japanese. OOPS.

and a group of youngin' who were having shots with us.

berns drove him early back to her babies, and had car troubles! :(

leaving her carless for about a week! oh oh.

uncle dons came over thursday morning,

made more pasta or lunch.

chilled the arvo,

dinner again was gooooooooood.

i think i just miss home cooked food.

what do you get with magazines and blu tack?

a hell of a fun idea!

with our stroke of genius,

TADA!

even the baby couldnt escape his fate! :)

more movies to end our lazy quiet day.

friday morning was a lovely day with maddison.

started off with her coming out of the bedroom

"where's daffy?"
(yes, in her stutter and slur, i am now daffy.)

i heard her all the way from the study so i hid.
and when she peered the corner i jumped out.

she gripped her bottle and went "errr err err"

kids are no fun to scare sometimes.

and guess what, there was a speck of blu tack in baby ignatius' hair!

so bring out the scissors, OOPS. ha

lunch was a lovely cheese and cracker spread

with good pate and smoked salmon

olives and sun dried tomatoes, the works.

lovely arvo in with berns maddison and val.

only champers was missing.

and guys massaging our feet and giving us a pedicure

last minute packing left maddison asking

"why you packing, where you going?"

"i'm running away from home, maddison doesnt love me"

she frowned. folded her arms in thought.

eyes lit up and started jumping around,

"but i do staffy"

"really? how much"

"THIS MUCH"

*spreads her arms as widely, still jumping*

how can you not love kids?

she was a good pair of hands helping me pack tho.

apart from picking up my stuff and playing with it.
to putting lip gloss on, to wanting to paint her nails.

to playing with my lomo so i took out the film and let her so trigger happy.

to trying on my top which looks like a dress on her.

to opening up my art supplies and so we went colour euphoric.

then uncle domonic pulled up in the drive way.

i said my goodbyes.

princess maddison refused to.

oh well. i would have done the same.

never really a fan of goodbyes

but my week's been great!

as if i were home even before i flew.