dee 21st!

work has been, long.
maybe its because my off days are for things to be done.
not to rest.
thats why im always so worn out,
at the end of every week, everyday.

I PASSED MY ADVANCE THEORY!
on my first try!
wee!
actually quite easy. and the questions are smart.
makes u think of what u SHOULD do,
not what u THINK is right.
nvm .
but wee!
and my pays not in yet.
so i cant make more bookings.
not as if our time table it out also.
but i didnt know princess and agnes has alot of slots .
boo.
bummed out la, but what for la hor.
not say my father want to pay for me so i have to work for it.
he smart, dont want me drive his car.
but when i can, he cant stop me
heh heh .
met bobby at the kopitiam there awhile,
he kuku walk in and our of camp twice to buy drink,
coz i missed him the first time round.
kway chap with felix,
darn full.
bus to bedok and had yummy goreng pisang,
(i'm a goreng pisang bitch)
plus sugar cane.
somehow i miss seah im .
nvm, soon soon when school starts.

this the first time i actually took for myself to rest.
catch up on some sleep.
first time in a long time i slept like a baby when i got home at 5 from the centre.
forced myself to wake up if not at night cannot sleep .
the girls training today for saturdays game.
i really no energy to train.
plus tmr full followed by morning shift.
talk abt no rest. :/
this saturday for 3rd and 4th placing.
against UWC.
it seems only months ago when we played our first NTL,
when i just joined n 2005.
and a year later,
this is how far we've come.
a team with blood sweat and tears,
in good standings in the league,
with an awesome season and awesome blooming of leaders, teamates and friends.
yes, we've come so far.
more to come with upcoming competitions,
all asian schools, oasis touch, IVPs.
well, its not alot i get to be proud of,
and saying how much i take pride in the team and the sport,
is an understatement.

i wanna take up more other sports.
golf, wakeboarding, kickboxing.
takers?

anyway,
HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
hope you had a blast on your first day of 'freedom'
heh.

so myself and shimo made the plans.
to go sakura at eastpoint at 615 for dinner with miss birthday.
then last monute change of plans while i was at the driving centre.
and missy shimo was smsing dee's old number.
so she didnt get updated plans.
so while we were heading to sakura downtown at 630,
dee was already at eastpoint.
LOL.
they arrived first,
i second at like close to 7.
ate and ate and ate! :)
the food quality defnately went down!
anyway dee opened the gift myself, shimo, hannan and lu shared for her,
a key pendants necklace! wee .
plus the 20 red roses and 1 purple one.
ate ate ate ate.
first time ever i gave up fast at a buffet.
sub concious guilt of the tummy .
3 different waiters wanted to clear dee's undone plate.
it was quite funny.
too efficient? heh, right.
moving on to desert.
we pilled up on the bite size cakes.
then shimo and dee went back for fruits.
whilei took out the candle shimo brought.
so when they came back i fast handedly put the candle in,
thats when the lighter played me out. dang.
so just ask dee close her eyes.
lit the thing and me and shimo went mad taking pictures.
DARN CUTE! i'll get hold of them soon.
and what a better way to top of a 21st birthday,
other then going to ak umar show!! :)

last minute plan to watch kumar at chinaone.
since rach got us a table there already .
extremely the last minute.
shimo refused to wear slippers there,
so we went to hers first so she could wear he spanking white heals.
then we cabbed there, and picked rachel on the way .
marli was joining us too, frm her training at padang.
but detour to home to get changed.
met naomi. waited for kumar. frm 10 wait till 1030.
marli came with sujan,
finally started. but the dj play wrong song, so he/she still not yet come out.
she came out to rhianna's unfaithful.
drag sia! long time no see!
her crew cannot make it.
one too fat, one too guy, one too horse ugly,
even kumar said so.
i swear he and russel peters should have a battle.
darn racists.
first half was not bad, during the break one jug of ours already empty.
darn thanks la rachel!
2nd set, sabo time!
dee up on stage!
yeah!
:) funny la.
shall not say much, picutre speaks a thousand words,
what abt videos? HAHA!
and a guy tried to pick me up ah!

Guy : "are you really paying attention to this shit"
Steph:" yeah, coz its my friend up there! her 21st! :) "
Guy : "oh shit, that young?"
Steph:"ha, well, I'M YOUNGER"
Guy : " OH SHIT, i better stay away from this table then"

ye, go, shoo!
balding muthafarker.
end of set, needed to peee!
took rachel with us whose forehead kissed the table all through the second set ah.
and while me and naomi were heading out,
someone had to puke know. suddenly of a sudden.
at the entrace.
the bouncers face fucking funny.
priceless. like
"oh no, she didnt, darn. she did, no. dang!"
hahah!
a few steps later, again ah rachel!
mee siam you ate.
bringing her into the toilet baddd idea.
she sat her ass down, and kept saying 2 mins later she'll go.
after water she'll go.
NO AH! one hour later then.
after much persuasion from audrey, her sister and another rachel.
darn funny la. eurasian cheesiness.
rachel's adress was written on andrea's hand in eyeliner ah!
she also abit gone.
and they is all going go home together.
LOL .
naomi and myself still could play tic tac toe on her back! :)
and i sooooooooooooooo beat her.
audrey wrote a HUGE rachel rocks my socks.
and our names on her back .

lol! cool la, ang kong siao.
an hour later, we walked her out to a cab at mos there.
and to think that girl actually throughout asked us to go ahead first.
dude.
we is no leave you behind love.
not especially if you're a cow.
a drunk one at that.
cow, no cow, drunk no drunk.
steph is love you .
so dont stupid and ask us to leaveeeeeeeeee again next time .

then to mos.
met naomi's ex.
couldnt picture them together
but he's a kind person .
very nice boy.
mos was just alright.
the music sucks at all the rooms.
2 indian guys tried to dance with us.
quite a few scc boys were there.
my feet were killing me.
mos is getting boring .
i is need find good place.
studio 54 is gooood.
the dj quite cute.
the crowd could have been better!
picturesssss!!

naomi lee pui san's gorgeous!
and he ex bf got us one last drink before hitting the clubb.

STUDIO 54 is lovvvvvvvve!

end of the night, i cabbed home myself.
it just would be nice to have someone to come home to,
and cuddle and drown with kisses till i fall asleep.
more importantly,
someone who'll just be by me.
to hear me whine and bitch and complain and nag and talk .

i'm soooo tired nowadays,
i dont even know where my head is sometimes.
when i dont have the time, i make time.
just make effort to show me, you know i am trying .
coz i know what's worth my time and effort.
just let me know, i am too.





to my future boyfriend/husband/soulmate
FASTER FIND ME la.
i've forgotten how love feels like.

my love

If I wrote you a symphony,

Just to say how much you mean to me

What would you do?

If I told you, you were beautiful

Would you date me on the regular?

Tell me would you?

Because, I can see us holding hands

Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand

I can see us on the country side

Sitting in the grass laying side by side

You can be my baby

You amaze me

Ain't gotta do nothin crazy

See all I want you to do is be my love

Now If I wrote you a love note

And make you smile with every word I wrote

What would you do?

mossss

mos has been like my haunt.
havnt been able to update about the last time i've been there.
which was siti k's surprise birthday on the 2nd of sept.
sheema picked me, and we picked marli and sujan.
it was their SUSPENDER party! heh.
i didnt have one, initially, coz i not SRC crew. boo.
ad, her aunt and couz was there.
anne goh, adi, alan, src pple and other rugby pple.
main arena was packed, and i swear there was racial segretion.
like the 2nd floor was the ang mo area. oh hum .
not bad crowd.
to smoove though the music was GROSS.
where is the love? some kinda superstar. EWW.
went to house section at main arena, and i swear im startin to like it.
mad dancing.
went back to smoove and it still was boring!
decided to get tenquila pops, 1-for-1.
by the time i popped one and downed it, there was a raid.
thanks la.
45 mins of bright lights .
as soon as the lights went out, everyone shouted.
and I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK!
awesome line up of songs all the way after!
london bridge, buttons etc etc.
DARN FUN!
i borrowed ad's suspenders
most fun was when i challenged alan.
he kept dancing and pulling the suspenders over his head.
so i challenged him to see who can pull higher. HEH !
and yes, the taller dude won, DUH.
though i was good competition. nly my skirt was getting higher and higer.
then we challenged, who can hook the most number of people! :)
he had 5. i think me too.
only that he took all the skinny people and still could have gone on,
i couldnt coz the suspenders clipped off of my skirt and smacked sheema and adi.
OH DEAR!
danced the night away.
and who else appeared but zul! again.
went to 54 with adi to hunt abdul down. WEEE
young hearts, run free!
mad dancing there. suspenders make u feel sexy i swear.
i saw hiM! weee! but he was already sloshed, so forget it.
went back to smoove.
danced abit more.
and ah, throughout the whole night ah,
there was this SOMEONE who kept trying to dance with me.
i couldnt tell if it was a he or she.
but she kept looking at me, or he. OH MY.
and ad just kept sheidling me away.
danced with alan. then zul
and that person actually went to touch zul's bald head
omg the traumatic look on his face!
but ya! throughout the whole night!
ok it was abit of a complement or flattery,
but it got a lil awkward.
bumped into someone who was initially alright,
till he said he was going home but he went to drank abit more
then he kinda forced himself on me as i was leaving.
i felt so violated.
maybe so because i know him and know people who know him
or that he was drunk when he did it,
or the act of forcing itself.
too bad i was too short and all i could do was push his face.
what better way to end ending the awesome night.
PFFT.

and wednesday night was fun!
well the crowd was shitty, but we had our fun.


















pre drinking on the bridge first. felix and his first gulp.
present was him, me, naomi, rachel and lu.

after we finished the bottle,
i just had to do it again.
so i wrote your name in it,
and threw it into the ocean. (river actaully, lol)
and 2 secs later, the boat came frm below the bridge!!!
any later, people would have died dude. :
then mos here we come!

loving the camera at the entrance,
free photos what, so we take like mad.
but i like this the most.
to studio 54 it was! chilling, and more pictures!
agnes was there too!
lu left to meet the rest at cube for drinks.

i love studio 54!
anyway, just got this black dress from zara. after work.
was with sam from there, and she dissappeared.
oh well.
and yes, my shoes from novo.
$100 damage ple.
and of corse, my bandage for the stitches. HEH.
mad photos with mad people.

went to smoove and we decided that we just wernt high enough .
so king albert scotch had to do.
back to the bridge!
and yes.
we couldnt finish. and i had a lovely chat with rachel .
with her i feel i could say things without anyone judging.
anyway, house, rnb, old school
we were all over mos.
naomi and i went to house,
and 2 hot dudes tried to dance with us,
and naomi, who's face constantly flashed on the screen with the oval,
coz she's miss gorgeous,
ignored them.
:/ fine.
to smoove, then 54!
my favourite.
the whole dance floor to us! WOOOO HOOOO!
blame it on the boogie.
then naomi whined about the 2 dudes, DUDE!
pfffffffffffft.
and while walking to take a seat, i tripped over a stool ah!!
omg FELL ON MY KNEE!
thanks gawd it was still in one piece.
ended off the night at house on the podium .
mad shitheads dancing their arses off.
went outside, to find again our merlion .
goodness girl.
WE FORBID YOU TO DRINK THIS MUCH AGAIN.
tsk .

anyway mos is getting from old to older news.
the crowd is getting bad.
i need to find a good place
with good people.
then i can sing the janet jackson song la.
maybe we'll meet at the bar,
he'll drive a funky car,
i'll be the girl of his dreams,
MAYBE.

wah what only.

stitched

finally i get an off yesterday!
and YES monday.
means RUGBY DAY!

went early, met lu at the bus stop with plans to gym
she got mea red bull
so tweet.
by the time we got to school,
we didnt gy,
instead we did 1 and 2 with zaki, alan and char.
by 6++ warm up game, then warm up as usual.
lateral passes and then working on defence.
so had to have live crashing attack.
and after a few rounds,
i went to take a touch a suria, when i somehow tripped over he boot while splitting to the side.
and i flew forward on all fours.
went again towards the side of the feild,
till nurul said stop,
"clean that off first, at the boot scrub"
i looked down. OMFG!!
blood till my socks!
i ran to the toilet, knowing full well the bootscrub water was leftover rainwater -_-"
by then the blood reached my boots.
plonked my thunder thigh onto the sink while splashing water onto my wound.
i could have pissed myself with the sound of the water.
i still didnt even feel pain.
had to squeeze the cut together so i could use the twisers to remove 2 impalled grass blades in it.
ive never seen vie freak out like this ever.
and i remembered how haha said she doesnt like talking in toilets coz of germs.
heh .
anyway ruby was a darling who kept helping me wash and apply cream and all.
the bleeding stopped, i sat at the side while they did drills.
marli thought i fell on my own, the clumsy style-a-way.
after that they did a try-line defence drill kinda thing.
thats when i joined in,
after the lovely haha bandanged my wound up tight tightly.
even got to play in the 10 mins of game after, weee!
oh well, thurs im not able to make training.
got chance i wont get to play on sat though ive got off.
PFFFT.
and someone kinda ruffled my feathers.
but i wont say much, due to the fact that ive gotten over it,
and i know where my time and effort should be invested in now.
i wont say as much about it, if not itd just be on the same level.

mummy came to pick me up,
and she says need stitches.
i know she means well, but could she have spoken to me better?
like as if i want to fall and want to have this cut and want to have an ugly scar.
though i still doubt it needs stitches.
what do u think?

got to the hospital by 10.
i swear its not me knee that needs stitches,
its my heart.
never have i felt much coldness before.
and i still dont comprehend why hospitals paint their walls green.
like those sickly green when they are suppose to make people feel, unsickly.
first i had to take some anti-rust jab
which i swear the nurse just jabbed my muscle or something, it still hurts BTW .
then to the operation theathre to wait.
mummy went to floss her teeth. thanks la. left me alone.
so i made friends with an indian uncle who was waiting to get stitched also
only thing is he was still bleeding!
ok so yes. long wait.
and OMFG. the anasthetic was BLOODY PAINFUL LA.
i swear the needle prolly extended to the core of my knee on the cut itself :(
darn pain .
and he could still use the needle to poke poke my leg to test if it hurts.
it didnt but NEED YOU DO THAT!
and i swear when he snipped that bit of skin off blood squirted,
not that i saw, but after it was done, i saw a blood line. heh.
didnt feel much, but i could feel when he thugged on the thread.
6 stitches! gawd
bride of frenkenstien!

yes children. be kind to your knees,
ud never know when you're going to miss them.
its so freaaaaaaaaakin hard to walk when this knee.
always at the back of my mind im soooo afraid to rip my stitches.
SO SO AFRAID.
next day working full shift somemore.
wednesday clubbing somemore.
terror.
take care knee!
and stephaknee.

thankew to the concerned people!
made everything a lil less painful and barable.

GOODBYE!! :)

dont have to be torn between 2.
because i pull myself of this rat race.
where i can never measure up,
to whom i want to be.

to already have a new begining means to already have an end.
so why try to put on a puppet show,
when its just inevitable.
yup, i knew no one can take care of my heart,
better then myself.


anyhooots.
blew another of my off days.
oh well, anyway would be the last day that im freely free.
all my other off days in weeks to come are dedicated to rugby or driving.
hannan got his lisence, pffft.
u wait u wait, i also will.
chiong ah!
advanced theory in 2 weeks,
practicals in 1 weeks time,
then mad booking of lessons.
i cant wait!
ok, today is the last day i look at things in a darker light.
i need to start painting in neons.
get back my aura and zen. LOL.
i should take yoga i swear.

here's to the night,
save me from this darkness.
oh what the heck,
GOODBYE!! :)

hypothetically.

what if i surpressed it?
is it wrong for me to want you to stay?
would you rather have me tear you away from the family you know?
or is it just too big a secret to keep it on the low?

hypothetically of corse,
are theres somethings better left unsaid.
would you want to know instead?
hypothetically of corse,
are there some wars not worth fighting,
some tears not worth crying?
hypothetically of corse,
what if this happened to you,
what would you want me to do?

would you want to know?
tell would you do?
would you walk away or would you stay?
would you want to leave the past behind us?
or are you afraid that one day it would find us?
would it even matter?
could it even matter?
should it even matter?

hypothetically of corse.

rollercoaster.

off today! !
great chance for me to catch up sleep.

ellen de genereous is freaking funny la.
anyways, work has been, tiring.
i miss the old people there,
but the new ones are kinda the same pattern .
i dont like the new managers.
i sold this guy a $299 trenchcoat, only to let one of the managers k-po
want to entertain, until in the end he dont want to buy. good for you, bitch.
met a racist customer, under my conclusion. LOL.
a customer who asked if i was eurasian and say no wonder so pretty.
not shy la steph.
yup. 3rd day and im still surviving.
2 days breaki n a row, then 2 days full.
no rugby for me at all this week.
we'll see how that goes.

hung out with rach and felix at her place.
didnt stay long. all shagged.
what was suppose to be a drinking session only resulted in 2 cans of beer. LOL.
i just need to swollow all the heartache.
but i was just too tired to even.
i swear my eye infection is coming back .
now im so confused.
and for once, i feel the ache of losing something that could have been, great.
but everything holding me back are fears and insecurity,
of myself which i come to conclude i can never get over,
which affects everyone above myself.
and this time, when i say i dont know,
i really dont.

and i think ive learnt very much to hold things back,
especially my tears.
on saturday after my game, everything just climaxed to my brink of destruction.
firstly, was the game. i just felt, blank.
because i dont know what im doing well, or not well,
but it was certainly a game that we underperformed.
was on the way to yck to catch a match,
and there everything just went mad.
almost like, it was fate shouting in my face, that it wasnt meant to be.
to i went the other way around, and just bit my lip the whole way home.
holding back the tears.
luckily i had someone who was willing to put time aside,
just to keep me company.
so i stopped at paya lebar, and by the time he arrived,
i just broke. i just cried.
i couldnt hold it anymore.
but at least im glad he took time to be there for me.
even though i didnt share much, he was patient.
he made me feel alot better by just making me not focus on the bad,
but rather the good.
yes, sometimes it helps to not talk abt the bad things,
but rather talk about nonsense stuff that makes u just smile,
coz a smile makes you forget.
or at least, lessens the impact of all the bad bad bad stuff.
for a brief time of someone who isnt always around,
its just nice to know that people you dont expect to be there,
are readily ready to be there.
which makes everything, worth a shot for struggling a little bit more.

and attitude plays a bit part.
so now i'm trying to learn how to walk with a spring in my step .
and ive just got the best news.
which reminds me to put my wants and goals in check,
to move me to do things, i love.

what a rollercoaster.

back to work.

freaking shagged.

back to work today, day 1.
i dont know anyone there!
except for shirley cashier, and mas nino's.
working full. fizah and dina
i miss them so.
got to know afew and abit abt the other girls.
floor was boring.
fit was mad.
customers are evolving into bitchy people.
leaving their clothes they tried in the fitting rooms.
#(*&$@^#%!!!
so what if have GEMS and what fuck.
doesnt give them the ticket to be inconsiderate.
fuckers.
and its true,
working around clothes too much,
makes u want to blow ur first pay cheque on most of the stuff there.
help me. sponsor me : )
trained home with siti and fizah.
glanced past a picture of you and me.
and yes, i miss u a very little bit.
but i miss being massaged more.
i missed being kissed. LOL.
i miss being given flowers.
i miss being free.
and now i'm having a mindphuck.
where i'm just numb, but aching all through my body.
and my mind's a heavy lump of mud.
but not as heavy as my eyes and eyebags.
oh my achy breaky back.

tmr got game with the blacks.
i better take a looooong nap
im uber shagged.
and i'll just snore myself to sleeeeeeep .

gdnight.

rainbows aint forever

i dont want to have to pay for mistakes,
that wasnt mine to make.
and i know the rainbow wouldn't last forever.
i just never knew it to be this fast.

everytime i act like wonderwoman.
from trying to carry loads of stuff at one shot just so i need no make a second trip,
to building a wall in my head, and welling in my mind,
thoughts that i am invincible and nothing can break me.

but who am i kidding.
it dont even take a bulldozer to remove the foundation of my wall.
so now im crumbling under the rubble.
isolated in an environment that once was second nature.

people, who once were second nature.
familiar faces have evolved to backs, walking away.
correct me if i'm wrong, but it just says alot not about me,
but those who's left behind the weak, strengthless to even cry.

is it better or worse, that i call you my friend?
its alright, you have somewhere else better to be.

yes, the rainbow doesnt last forever.
and somehow i have lingering feeling in my bones,
that something bad is going to happen.
nothing to do with me, but just, something bad.

PASSED MY BASIC!!

I PASSED MY BASIC THEORY BIIIIAATTCH!!
so did felix and ageness too!
omg my hert stop a minute before they show the results.
cheetot.
PASSED. wah. i smiles to my computer screen .
today is an AWESOME day .
i knew it the moment i woke up. :)

woke up at 8, to meet dee at 9 for marketting.
for shimo's surprise bday party!
we just bought fry-able stuff.
and we went back to mine, and left for her's at 11.
reached there, with lu and meow into her house to deco the place.
supi and yam came after .
we blew balloons,
or rather me and meow blew most of it
coz we have power lungs!
and the balloons were rubber of stone!
yes, they looked obscene, like tits and condoms and cocks.
wtf right.
had a bird, and we made a caterpiller, bee and weight out of a few.
darn cool.
we hung a 'happy birthday' streamer, and i topped it off with her name tag,
so it says "happy birthday shimo neo" and her chinese name, heh!
hid our stuff under the bed, we hid in the toilet.
saw her through the mirror when hannan brought her home,
she hesitated to go into her room, when she did,
we chionged out, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
hehe! she just smile. that one not so bad.
when we went down to cut her cake and sing song,
she kept hiding behind hannan coz she shy,
darn cute la. smile until cannot see eyes.
shimo shimo.
cannot even take photos. LOL .
the cake was good, the food by the time was already soggy.
stayed for 5 mins mre, then off to khaki ukit i went.
wanted to take a cab, which took rather long.
then a maxi cab stopped in front of me, i refuse to take,
coz i tot its expensiver.
then the lasy rationed that it was the same.
and persuaded me to take it nonetheless.
so i did, one person in the beeeeg cab,
i didnt know where to sit. HEH!.
reached also i can stand up to pay then go backto my seat to take my stuff.
terror, though the starting fee was 2.80.
its the new in rather then the merc cabs.
I AM THE KING. lol.

reached there, met felix and agness at the entrance.
and then i realise, WAH NEVER BRING IC.
an the fella REFUSE to let me in.
she bloody bitchy.
so yes, i went to counter, lucky the lady nice.
sat for the test, and PASSED lor.
even though i didnt know quite alot of the questions, LOL.
tricky shit.
but yes. heeee!
but i couldnt print my form.
neither could i apply for PDL.
coz NO IC.
stoooopid me.
i so freaking happy.
and i called shan,
and yes, she gave me the job!
even though it'll eat into my first 2 weeks of school
and some ntl's i''d have to miss :( trainings too.
triple sighs!
but i reallllly need the cash, to cover my driving.
went ot the counter, we signed up for advance and trial tests.
and i took any practical slots avaliable,
the two already have their own, so i'd be taking it alone.
the only thing that bothers me is that i still dont know how to go there by bus,
and that i'd have to find my car before the lesson through all the car parks
and confirm i kena accident.
either i trip.
or forget something,
so kena honk for anyhow crossing road. whatever.
but yessss.
815 darn early, but YAY!
excited.

gyming later.
no more zouk for me tonight. SIGh.
was quite looking forward to it.
but i paid good (and alot) of money for 100mins of practicals.
plus i need to buy concession.
then need to buy pdl tmr.
cock sure broke.
and i and wan made a pact,
to take bike lisence sugela! :) :)
prolly take it concurrently.
excited.
and getting the job is REALLY a load off my shoulders.

everything is about choices.
and i'm sure consequences would follow the ones i made.
alot of things would be affected.
for things that i'd have to forgo, or sacrifice.
personal time and space, friends, imf, school, RUGBY esp. :(
perhaps now, i'm thinking more for myself.
i need to take one day at a time ,
yet plan ahead.
im so gonna burn myself up,
and beat myself up if i lose certain things along the way.
but ive got to go down this path, for now.



to top today off, CARE BEARS ARE ON KIDS CENTRAL!!
YIPEEEE! !
lesson of the day: when happy, dont go to timo,
he'll say U SIAO.
happy = lisence to use vulgarities, to qualify emotions.
right right right.
i'm mad. FUCKING mad. LOL.

laters!

sunshine princess

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

SHIMONA & MUNA! :)
have an awesome ride through the legal world babeh!

is it me, or are people not what you thought they were.
to the one you, contant in my last thoughts before i sleep.
you're no longer there.
coz you're no longer what i thought i needed.
because i know my heart won't be in a secure place.
and i can't beat myself up thinking,
when will you ever know,
or realise that i am there.

dear you

it the things like this that you do.

that tells me in my face how important i am to you.

and why is it that each time, i always expect the same outcome,

when actually i'm expecting you to prove me wrong.

don't say you depend on me,

because it only seems that you depend on me to be there,

when others arnt.

i'll play my part, i'll go the mile,

just go that one small step for me.

i don't know what to say anymore,

it'll just be the same over and over again

that sometimes i question how much longer i can put up with this treatment

i'm hanging by a thread.

all in all,

you're not helping me find the me that i once was,

and that i can be.

that better me.

chasing cars.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace to remind me
To find my own

yuck

i feel fucking violated.

hot tempered.

how hot tempered are you? -- based on horrorscope.

CAPRICORN DECEMBER 21 - JANUARY 19
Few will believe that a hardcore practical and materialistic person like you is capable of sensitivity and genuine emotions. You project a hard exterior but are actually very sensitive, a trait you successfully hide from others. You can see things with anger but will not betray your feelings. But then, there are times that even you cannot control your temper. Under such circumstances you can shout and scream, more with frustration at the situation than with anger at any particular person. Your outbursts can shock others and can make them feel guilty too.


utterly true i feel.
especially about the part where if and when i lose my temper,
its not at people but rather situations.
am i a closet materialistic person? hmmm.
then again i'm the last day of capricorn, oh well.
but does my outburst shock an make people feel guilty?
tell me!! TELL MEEEE! !

anyway thanks nurul for the email.
for the complete list of all the horrorscopes,
drop me a note, i'll forward the mail to you.

oh i'm sick. :(
terrible don't get worse then this.

midnights

friday night study session at the airport.
yes, the eastsider is late, vs the nothsiders naomi and timooootee.
sorrrrreee
popeyes with rach, felix and the 2 above.
carol joined.
service sucked. the food not that bad, but kfc chicken is better.
still remembered how the boys tried to con me into giving my chicken skin to them.
BEST PART LA DEI.
after that scouted around for a place to study.
i suggested the sky train, but they rudely declined. (wonder why)
settled at coffee bean after we hussled seats. had to clear our own table.
rachel and me seprated from the pack coz we were leaving earlier.
anyways, yes. to the toilets we went first.
*READER DISGRESSION ADVISED*
yes, we needed to take a dump.
first she was at the verge of bombing, while i just only felt it coming on,
so she demanded me to stop making her laugh.
and we went to another toilet since the one we were at was, slow.
so yes, we had a side-by-side cubicle, and i said "let's race"
she was like "you crazy girl... you're handphone got game?"
"yes, i think got multi-player, billard!"
"yay ok lets play, we pass under the door."
"oops, my bad, its single player. but, i'm done. i wait for you outside"
-.- and then there was the pebble, right rach. LOL.
so yes, finally down to studying.
but before that we were playing open numbers to decide which cake we'd get.
she wanted tiramisu, i wanted cheeesecake :)
in the end, she "won". heh.
so yes, studying.
which i didnt really get to.
i still think i study best at home.
halfway through we had onion rings.
rachel is a clown when it came to orderin the cheesesticks for felix.
so much so that she ended up ordering from the floor.
she taught me to eat stacked up onion rings. terror la.
stuffed.
back to 'studying'. and then we were taking pictures with feli'x phone as 'evidence'
so i pretended to look studious. HEH.
2nd picture, rachel told me to get away coz i "don't fit"
"WAH, fat then say fat laaaaaaaa." *pouts as i stomped to my seat.
then i attempted to do a paper.
naomi was my chekgu who checked my work.
then sidetrack with one tree hill and other chatterings.
left the place by 2.
rachel and myself left, and we went onto the escalator not knowing where to exit.
and i just stopped. she, just stopped, stunned too.
"CHEY I THOUGHT AUTOMATED!" i swear i'm going to write to COMPRAIN.
then we decided, we're NOT going to pay the $3 extra just coz we're at the airport.
so we wanted to walk our way out of the whole airport vacinity.
but NooOOoo. just walking along the drop off point at t2 already we cannot take it.
so to the taxi stand.
starting meter already was about $7.75, thanks
went home, didnt fall asleep till like 6++.
i swear im getting insomnia.
rolling rolling rolling. weee

national touh league week 3.
excited about the game, against rp.
and OMG, i estimated my time too precisely.
that by the time my train would arrive at toapayoh, it would be excatly 1230,
the time the shuttle bus comes.
so by the time i dally to the busstand, ill just barely miss the bus.
then the next bus will be in another half hours time, and walking in somemore. DIE la.
i dont even know which area i can take cab easily from there. tsk.
lucky nurul rescue me, somemore buy food for me, hehe.
so i took the train to her area, and she picked me up in cab, and to the turf we went!
reached there just minutes before we warmed up, our other team had their game against bucks.
anyways, yes warming up, my ass felt tight. and i didnt know how to stretch my muscle, so it kinda hurt throughout the game.
but yes, i was siked. it was a beautiful day!
kept singing that in my head, and to haha. LOL .
and yes, i scored!
quite unglam la, boz i very fakely fake to supi, then i dump on the line.
on my knees, so kuku. marli thought i fall again. WAH THANKS.
ad said i caught a ball and daned 360. stop laughing la.
wasnt my best. wasnt all our best. seen better at trainings.
anyways, 6-1 to us.
happy xia. but it was REALLY a good fight.
vie played well, dispite her not being very well.
wan came down, and i was like, ah.
i just really dont like people to see me play, i cant knowing that people are scrutinizing.
stupid la, just that one thing i asked, but NOOO.
anyways, slacked at macs before we headed to CCAB for the blacks midnight 7s.

took a bus down, shimo, charlotte, angie, nurul and myself.
i think scoring a try really boosts morale and makes me happy and siao the whole day.
anyways, was talking about pubic hair and how redundant it was.
its function, waxing and stuff, till we were rudely SHHHHHshed.
whatever, but not say we talking to YOU ladeeeee.
reached the stadium, saw the twins and hadi.
and of corse, my #1. PETE WILLIAMS aka ABDUL.
you're so hot. its been awhile since i saw you and ur looking good as ever.
actually not long la, that time saw him at a glance for a split second at MOS.
but you've bulked up, oohhh i like. HEH.
we showered first, nurul and gie went to the police game coz they had someone to support.
3 of us stayed behind, to watch ;)
there were trams from uk, guam, hong kong and thailand. of coz singapore too.
quite alot of people, somewhat like scc 7s but different atmosphere.
the guam womens team was terror. so is the blacks power, or magic?
just the first team la. the guys team also impressive, for both mentioned.
was multi-tasking. watching the game, writing notes, talking to char and shimo, and later on sipping stout. WAH. lol.
i hate stout. bleah.
saw quite a few people.
haz, josh who was mc, yazid, harry, haha came, src girls were there, later src people come, marli and all, siti k, sheema, dont know who else la.
yes.
stayed till 1am. bucks had a walkover game, grr, dang coz i wanted to see pete play.
though he didnt like, show much awesomeness. he's still my #1. :)
forever and ever babe, wah.
the blacks midnight sevens is the first event seeing games running all through midnight and beoynd.
and guess how they marked midnight?
they played touch 7s, in PYJAMAS!
eah team had one representive each for the all stars vs the all nations.
darn cute, with a big foam air ball thingy.
yes. there was a fight on the field, a pull-down-your-jamies fight! darn cute la.
took bus 154 with charlotte, zaki and his teammate (i didnt catch his name)
to eunos, and thought of changing bus to NR7, but it took too damn bloody long.
i didnt wanna make charlotte and zaki wait any longer so i just got rid of myself in a cab.
dropped them off at kembangan. and home it was.
taxis are getting more and more expensive.
to sleep i went by 3am.

woke up the next day to dear shimo's sms.
asking if wanna watch the game with her and her baby then study.
but i know i cant study outside, and if i go to the game,
i'll be studying something else ;)
so yes, i stayed home. only to watch the afternoon movie on channel 5.
and they started giving me live reports on the matches,
and live information of abudl being like NEXT TO THEM. darn thanks.
then i came to know that bucks will be playing scc.
ooooh exciting.
and that was the catalyst that sparked the giving in to temptation.
so i took up ads invitation to go down. heh.
was to meet her at eunos to bus 154 down to watch,
then iwas running late. so i decided to cab and pick her and go straight.
then marli called. so had a detour to pick her and sujan up.
if i know i dont ask ad go eunos la.
one round when she lives like, there. LOL .
she baywatched ran to the cab, and off we were.
shimo was still there! she say she going off after the next game at 4,
and 6 i came, abt that. i think, i cant remember.
anyway, game after game, we just watched.
guam's team are terror.
i like lots.
they like have a set of twins in the A team, and the girls team
how cool is that. and the twins keep alternating to score, and creating scored and conversion.
power la.
and, BUCKS IS THE CHAMPION!
expected. aaron brown how big and bearly?!
adbul how hot?! lol.
went home after with ad, and he was walking behind us!
then he when the other way, dangs.
bus was the plan, till she said whichever comes first.
and then we are in the cab.
went home, i didnt study!
i decided to wake up early the next morning to study la. : )
ass.


so many times i wished u were here.
to share my every moment.

the more i try the less i know.

it seems that the more i try to walk away,
the deeper i sink in thoughts of you.
and the more that happens,
the less i know you.
but noone has to know.

when i see you standing there, wanting more from me,
and all i can do is try.
then i see you standing there, i'm all i'll ever be,
and all i can do is, try.

wo bu zhi dao.

i'm not one to pretend.
i don't know how to.
and everytime i decide that i should walk away,
i crave more.
but here i am, only screaming in your face
that i need you to be by me.
stand by me.
and never let me go.

there's so many things i want to tell you,
so little you already know.
how is it i allow my heart to feel this ache,
in a quest that i know, will have no good ending.
if i told you anything, i predict there'll be nothing.
even less then what was there to begin with .
my yearning is strong, my fear of rejection is stronger.
its my heart you're dealing with,
and somehow i dont trust anyone to take care of it.

oh what can i do?
where should i go?
i don't seem to know anything, anymore.

i'm gorgeous

yes trev, this is a good read for you,
since you said yesterday that i should stop blogging not-happy stuff.
here goesssssss.

so to tp to study yesterday.
met felix, picked him in cab, headed to mensa for food.
guess what i had? LOL, duh.
thats where i bumped into trev. yup.
after that headed to scout for a spot where we could study,
but the library was just jammed packed.
so we went to the study area in the bus school.
saw celest, long time never see her.
felix dosed off halfway.
syah joined us, and like late lately, audrey and yang ying as well.
they didnt stay long .
we didnt after too.
i just did marketing, alittle though.
at about 6+ we left, mum picked us up, dropped us at bus stops coz she had to go for dinner.

and after long hard persuasion of different people and from different people,
i decided to go clubbing.
yes, I'M GORGEOUS! LOL
ladies night at mos.
felix came over, dropped off his stuff.
left, waited for chong and odi at kembangan.
they suspect that the indian dude on odi's left was watching bollywood porn! : *yelps*
and then they suspect that the guy in front of them was "standing"
figure that out. LOL.
took the NEL towards clarke quay from outram.
when the trained stoped at the first stop, i pushed past felix who was on the phone
and nearly alighted at CHINATOWN.
-_-" BLUR COCK.
even felix on the phone knew it wasnt the stop.
pai seh la. dont laugh.

reached clarke quay, we went to get chop first at mos.
rach and odi went first, me and felix safeguarded our drinks.
then our turn, they gave me 2 pamflet to change for goodie bags.
i changed 1 and they were reluctant to give me the 2nd.
they thought felix wanted it, then he pointed to the girls on the pavement,
"its for my friends"
"DONT BLUFF LA, FOR YOU THEN SAY FOR YOU LA" the big burly bouncer said. LOL.
went in to put my bag, and the goodie bags, and the worst of the worst happened.
A TRANNY APPROACHED US!
and she/he just plonked her/his hand and ramaged through one of the bags.
i thought she/he just wanted to check the contents out.
digging like nobody's business, gold digger! heh.
suddenly she/he struck jackpot! EYELINER DUDE!
and she/he just took it la! that one not so bad, but she/he wanted to kiss felix! ! ! ! !
felix backed up, then she/he wanted to kiss ME!!!!!!!!!
GAWD.
just TAKE IT AND GOOO!!
actually no la. i wanted the eyeliner BACK!
but don't mess with trannys. they ran faster then any girl in heals. :S
tramautized for awhile.
SIGH. that was a good eyeliner.
off to 711 we went, with a quick detour to the atm and macs.
rachel tried to 'take' cups so we could mix our rums.
and she got CAUGHT. Lol. LAMER felt soooooooo proud that he helped his buddy who was working there catch a cup-kappoer
nvm, pay 30cents for cup. chee tots.
sat at the stairs of the longkang where we enjoyed longkang breeze. heh.
let the mixing begin!
we had the malibu with orange juice.
2 cups, one carton and one in the bottle. LOL. each of us had something.

the drink was awesome! minus the pulp la.
decided to finish up the shit rum first, so at least we'll have a good taste in our mouth with the malibu.
so we had shots neatstraigh up from the bottle cap at first then upgrade to bottle itself.
audrey and carol came like, when there was just a can of beer left.
and 7up which no one touched much of.
while drey was gulping the tiger down, she lent me her green eyeliner (was it?)
and i used the calander card in her deck of cards as my piece of paper.
all in ploy of my msg in the bottle.
LOL.
so childish, but i just wrote what my heart was craving for.
a deprate hope that things would go my way? perhaps.
so i scribbled it in doctor's andwritting and shoved it into the bottle,
and felix threw it into the river.
perhaps its like throwing a peice of my heart that has been weighing me down, and still is somehow.
so the 2 headed to gotham to drink, 3 cups i heard (this is relevant for later, HEHE! )
and yes, we went to danceeeeeee!
actually not quite yet.
rach and felix sat at the stairs.
me and odi were going nuts trying to get them to get their asses up and HURRAH!
so we went to the toilet coz stephie needed to pee peee.
and OMG, there was a girl like totally SMASHED. like PASSED OUT serious.
worse shit ive ever seen .
the toilet was all wet, coz im assuming her 2 friends tried to splash her awake.
and she was just, prolly lying on her puke.
she had no strength or sense to just stand up, neither could her friends get her up coz she didnt want to, and coz she started scratching them.
terok as shit, serious.
like a lifeless dugong on the shallow reef.
and according to her friends, she's had only 7 drinks.
tsk tsk.
we went outside, and they still were in the same spot as when we left ah!
and then they moved! but to the pavement. PFFT.
rach sat next to puke, and she didnt even care. GIRL!
they said 2 mins they'll go, and plus plus plus later then they went.
inside was quite packed.
danced abit with em, then went to find ad and the rest in the pack of people.
found them! and joined them for abit.
ju, mag, ad, and their friend from california, sharon.
danced, and felix all came over to our side.
audrey and carol decided to join us.

me and odi, and drey's nose stud and tongue.
we even went up on the podium speaker thing.
odi, rach and me.e
and some irritant bouncer kept flashing a laser at us, FINE WE'LL GET DOWN. geesh.
danced in the jam packed cage.
got to the centre, and i saw matthew! met his friend jac too.
then off i went again, to find rachel, who went to find another audrey.
yes, that audrey that was my kindergaten classmate in OLPS.
yes, when i had my darn bowl haircut.
and they were plonked at the china one stairs. together with audrey's brothers.
suddenly i remembered when she had one of her bday parties when we were younger,
and one of her bro's did a donald duck impersonation.
oh how i want to be a kid again, so young and carefree.
and this is the ugly shot of the day .

ok la, maybe only i look ugly, the 2 still quite ok.
so yup, more sitting down on stairs.

can you see it from our face, that "WE WANNA GO DANCEEE"
went back in, and marli was there! like finally, after donkey years she decides to come.
sujan came too.
zul was there, i cap taking his cap.
it was good to see him again.
he's such a g-uuuuuunit person la.
anyways, didnt stay long with marli they all,
odi needed her bag coz they were leaving, so i checked our stuff out,
and checked drey out outside.
sprawled on the pavement.
saying she puked 2 times already.
then they had FOOD! :)
somehot dog, without the sausage.
but the bread tasted RATHER GOOD,
and i finshed the whole darn thing. HEH
and 1 curry puff, and another half more in the cab.
felix carried audrey, then he couldnt anymore.
so we just put her arms around our shoulders and took her out to put her in a cab .
aiyo ah girl only had 3 drinks! heh.
and she didnt dance much! aiyo audrey ah.
rach odi felix and myself hopped into another cab home.
went pass my OLPS slope. COOL.
i miss my preschool.
reached home, made the room for my princess, checked my AR,
and i got a C+.
work hard steph.
princess came out of the shower, so i went down to sleep.

or rather roll.
i kept rolling the whole way through.
roll till marli called in the morning.
i apologise that i didnt let u guys know i left, my phone was deaddd.
anyways, decided to stop rolling then,
so i got myself up, and went to cook.
i made soup, omelette creepes with mushroom, sausage and cheese, and toasted garlic bread.
quite theraphutic i must say .
princess was awake and i didnt know coz he didnt call.
his phone died to actually. lol.
so i brought him breakfast and we had a battle of worms!
you just won by luck felix qui yi han .
just because of sudden death and the rising tide
i won you that one time by SKILLLLL.
rematch soon. be afraid, be very afraid.
we then had a hell of a laugh over our msn convo with audrey.
secret thing only me and felix and drey know. shhhh.
cheked out my goodie bag,
i quite like the red earth stuff.
my pot of eyeshadow was a lovely shade of brown. YUM.
the eyeliner is 3-in-1. but just my luck i got a GREEN one. DANG de dang.
i want black. hmmpf.
oh well, at least i know what my next purchase will be on.

and to answer my depression over me vs my fats.

SpYxxkEx says: ala why would u weri if ure fat or thin, how would it affect u i ask
★☆ Steph says: self concious
SpYxxkEx says: haha. coz ure mind saes ur fat, ure body n soul have to suffer? sad rite..change ure mentality,,fat aint bad fat means more like to float wen u fall into the pool
SpYxxkEx says:
which is a good thing
LOL. darn cute la.
something that perked my day up.
but just for one last day, let me be emofied.
(sorry trev, i know no more not-happy stuff.
but i just had to. HEH. )

i tried to find my place, and now i know what its not.
so i just have to walk away,
with so many things left unsaid.
you'd never know, coz i can never show.
and this is the end.
except it steph.
it never even began in the first place.
only in your wildest dreams.
here's a resolution i'm letting go.
i just want to be the best person i can be.
and the person i can never be to you.

service, A ah!

yesssss ah!
i've aced my proficiency test and my quizes!!!!
woooo hooo!
at least i'm doing well in one subject.
*does a funky dance*
oh yeah, oh yeah!
but shortlived thanks to a party pooper.
BLEAH! .

training was goooood.
the friendlies was well, fun yes, but we could have done better.
3-1 to the yr 3s.
good inserts by gale, good composure.
on our side, abit panic, and hitting the correct gaps, hands posed a lil problem.
guilty as charged.
nonetheless, good warmup. a lil fast paced though.
then fitness.
there's so many things i want to learn from charlotte.
went on to fast hands and pinkys.
i'm trying my best to work on my 'fingers habbits'
and as heartening it is to see some people being patient with me,
i guess i'm the idiot who is hard on myself each time i mess up.
someone once told me, each time i step on the feild, have an objective in mind.
and i've realised, that i have not done that in awhile.
good time to start again steph?? :)
the ending of training was best.
practicing moves. continual cycle defence attack defence attack.
its taught us composure, endurance, thinking and moving on our toes.
i'm soooOOOooo looking forward to this week's game.
i know i know i KNOW we can.
blister blues for now.


study tmr ah steph.
thank you.

21/8/06

mummy say bf is easy to find.
macham like any tim dick and harry can.
wah thanks.

and yes,
whoever made the bet that i wouldnt be going to church,
you've won.
-_-"
argh. i cant believe it.

later theres a friendlies between the yr3s and 2s.
right before training.
i cant wait!
my thunder thighs too! :)
dang. one cause of depression after another.
i'm starting studies tmr.
dont be surprised if im not online, or if i am.
it prolly means another day of delay.
but then im rather worried.
my corsework aint that fantastic.
and i have to get at least an A for my B .
SUCKS.



im thirsty.
and i feel like going fishing.

i just realise this is a totally random entry.

beautiful stranger

so the girl did well for ntl.
8-1 against UWC.
CONGRATS TO SHIMO FOR MAKIN MVP! :)
darn, i wanted to play uwc. OH WELL.
i heard it was a good game.
congrats to the girls.

and darn, police won.
heh, ok la, they played generally well,
better then the packz.
one ah-wooo! LOL.
thye wasted alot of opportunities la, especially with the slow thrower. POOT.
can see people not having the want to be involved in the play, right timo? heh.
but alot of internal fighting for both teams, is just, stoopid.
sat there watching with nurul, charlotte, zaki, zam and javin,
and can u believe a damn white spider crawled onto me!
i suddenly miss peter so :(
after the game, we took bus to loyang point.
was looking forward to eating the chicken rice but tooo lateeee.
closed.
in the end we ended up eating at macs.
felix joined us.
macs had ran out of mayo, but when they took extra long to deliver zam's burger and it finally came,
it had a white sauce in it. LOL.
and we seriously doubt its mayo.
what do u get with an attitude staff and a customer wanting his burger?
go wild.
charlotte left to gie's to do her project.
and the boys were mixing some concoxion of sauces
and DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A GOLD PEPSI?! like gross.
so yeah, tartar sauce, chilli, ketchup, icecream, pepsi, you name it.
then we played open numbers to see who'd get the honour of sipping it.
round 1 to CHUN! LOL!
round 2, to ZAM! plus a bite of one of the soaked fries.
round 3, CHUN AGAIN!!! LOL. and he actually finished the whole fry.
gross la.
then we all left. all of them went up to angie's to take a look at her project mates.
they say she pretty so javin and zam want to see. LOL.
i walked felix home. awww.
coz my mum picking me frm his house busstop :)
but so ulu pandan rambutan his walkway, especially up the stairs through the semi-d's

reached home, had to help my mum stuff her puffs with durian custard.
ushed through coz i wanted to watch the movie 'unfaithful' that was showing on channel 5.
nice movie, i enjoyed it very much.
its very, novel like, as in some scenes were methephor what not.
and yes, the french dude is a heartthrob!
living in piles of books! oooh i like.
i like artsy fartsy guys.
writers, painters, poets. bonus if can sing and pay an instrument.
so yum la, oh yes, cook too!
then we can have a picnic in the middle of nowhere,
whule he reads his poems ti me as we sip wine under the moonlight
seranading me till i fall soundly asleep in hus arms.
WAH.


yes you wish steph.

and i've found myself a listening ear.
heh.
and yes, it may be true that it is easier to confide in someone who doesnt know you well,
and vice versa.
the world could do with more people like that,
i could dowith more people like that.
easy to talk to, doesnt judge, most of all, understanding.
well, at least the effort is there. and i couldnt ask for more.
such a beautiful stranger.


and the worms kept me up till 2am.

unamazing race.

so deployment is over!
so is school!
now just exams, which i have to work uberly hard for.
especially since my corsework grades arnt that great.
SIGH .

i seem to be getting down with the flu again.
i want to catch the match later
between police and wolfpackZZZ.
i support wolfpackz. coz emo timo playing. LOL.
but for real, i support the winning team :)

and again, i'm mighty sorry felix.

weakling

yes, i'm not as strong as alot of people think i am.
but why still? i dont smile or laugh as much anymore.
and its times like this that i wish i could just run to church.
to regain the strength i once posses.
maybe i just need reasons to be strong.
i cant seem to find my dreams anymore.

anyway, this sunday i have an appointment with god.
signed, sealed delivered.

who am i to you.

what am i to you?
you, you you and YOU.
oh what a bad bad day.

already the whole day i'm feeling fucking depressed about me being fat.
and how my tummy's like a seal's
just when i wanted to do my assignment,
zul called, and asked me to do his resume for him.
i'm like, ok. its YOUR resume for YOUR job,
but i'm doing my assignment though i cant help at the moment
and suddenly it became my fault that i DIDNT WANT to help him.
that was it. breaking point.

and it so occurs to me that how true it was,
when someone once said that "i support others better then i support myself"
maybe this is what it means.
when people need something from me, i'd have to overlook my situations and needs to oblige.
and when i dont, its my fault, my bad. coz i cant say no.

or yet the simplest things, when i'm pouring my feelings out,
the topic is changed to revolved around the person my heart's crying to,
or that i'm ignored. flat. or brushed off.
for once, or just for a mere moment, let me know you listen.
i'm not expecting you to care, just emphetise.
listen.
and now, i'm more depressed abt the people in my life rather the situations of my life.
havnt i been there enough? or in the right way ever to deserve a good meaningful 5 mins of your time?
would it hurt once in awhile to ask if "i'm ok?" and truly mean it?
i cant remember when it was last i had a sincere hug.
or when someone said they loved steph for her.
can no one hear that my heart is screaming for attention?
can no one see that everyday i lose myself piece by piece?

maybe its not that i cant support myself as well as i support others,
its that i hope they'd know how much they mean to me,
and hopefully id mean the same too
so when the time comes i need them as how they did before, theyd be there to support me,
take me out of my own depression.
but no.

perhaps i'm living my life wrong.
or that i'm living the wrong life.
or that i'm right,
this life's not at all much worth living.
because yes, it is a vicious cycle.

tell me how not to be this un-optimistic?

chill

is it me or does singapore idol REALLY SUCK!?!
i swear its more of a popularoty competition then singing.
cant wait to see the new show dancefloor and what it has to offer.

yesterday's sakuras plan was scrapped at the last min.
bleah, so sad.
instead we headed to genki,
myself, marli, dee and nurul.
bottoms up! talked alot of cock and signh jokes were mad.
ad joined us, and we walked to coffeebean to meet yam and azlina.
talked more cock, syah came, then azlina and yam left
another azlina came, dee and nurul left
ju came, marli left.
WAH.
talk cock till 10++.
I WONDER IF YOU KNOW, HOW IT IS IN TOKOYO.
fast and FURRRRRIOUSsssSS.. DRIFT DRIFT DRIFT! lol.
ok la dont know the exact lyrics, everyone got different versions. JUST LA.
damn shagged.
talked abt old school cartoons, weird sex stuff
but i stonning la. lol.
cabbed home after.

so today there was no school.
stayed home, slept in.
watched the dvd 'cars'
quite nice, and cool.
at least i didnt sleep through it like how i did for 'over the hedge'
just abt at the ending pan called, ask to head towards town.
contemplated abit. but decided to since nothing else to do .
made plans to meet felix first, YA LA I LATE I KNOW.
sorry it wont happen again coz u mean alot to me my friend.
PFFT.
there was timo, pan, eug, and carol.
walked around, ying jie came after.
i feel quite bad, i dont know what to talk to them abt.
well, didnt even talk much la.
had much comtemplation to join arjun n amy at zouk.
in the ultimate end, decided not to coz i felt fat.
and also the fact that i was in 3/4s and slippers.
POOT.


i feel hungry.
exams are coming.
so is my driving test.
and the 'amazing race'
and ntls.
and then i have to decide,
to chiong for bike or car lisence.
hmmm

national day 2006

a week after national day.

heres what happened last week.....
so the house was parent-less.
BBQ time!
lu, baldwin, timo, felix, eug, pan & wan came over.
normal bbq.
chao ta corn, stout mushroom, garlic mashed potato specially mashed.
the best part was the drinking part la.
i tot my jelly shots werent as great,
tenquila doesnt match up to vodka when it comes to that.
mad mixing of tenquila with ribena, i just wanted to get rid of my tenquila.
its too, taxing on the tongue.
anyway, starting off the drinking session, downing of beer!
down the can, and shake the remains over ur head.
SONG! felix finished first, respect.
tried to play the goggles game which failed miserably.
followed by a game of china man.
shots of baileys as the drink.
the whole bottle was finished just on one round alone.
tiffy's face redder then felix can .
after that we went to the chill room.
another round of china man with the tenquila. KILLER.
it tastes like SHIT.
but at last it was finished.
then we went on to rum.
and wine. and beers.
played other games.
the ze yi bei game.
timo sucks at it. he kept drinking.
wan left.
more beers.
timo started getting louder.
eug started touching felix.
timo louder again. this time plonking off the car.
kept rolling rolling rolling till under the table.
blackout thanks to pan who hit the lightswitch that had an 'X' on it.
*smacks forehead*
but funnier is the polar bear who kept shouting "OK OK!" that decided to get out from under the table to check out what happened.
he ran to the stairs shouting "OK OK BLACKOUT!"
and then thinking 'so dark how to get downstairs'
so i shone my handphone flashlight for him to watch his step,
only for him to reply "wah! my phone brighter"
-_-"
lu and baldwin left, poor things got caught in the rain.
timo already gone. slept on the bed, gave him a plastic bag.
eugene also k.o. after a few more beers with me.
end up left me, pan and felix playing majong.
after awhile, we heard a "sound"
lets just say after that it took a whole bottle of air freshner, a cooler as an impromptu container for soiled linen and a totally empty plastic bag.
pan ran out the room 5 secs after, felix cleaned up and flipped eug over who slept through till 730am.
and the rest is history.
HEH HEH.
totally SMASHED la mr polar bear ze yi bei.
next morning cooked all the leftover food,
so hesitant to ask bernedatte to cook coz she had to wash the cooler's content.
but she laughed it off, so i knew she was cool.
ate while watching 'pirates',
then played cluedo over 'big mama's house 2'
felix who never got to play it when he was younger played and won his first game.
not bad.
played till like 4++ till everyone left.
got ready for training, and left.
yup, that was it.
and utterly fun national day this year was.

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!
confusion from non existant minute signals
that feels ironically good.

ntuc

so i went grocery shopping with my mum.
well she didnt pick out as much as she use to.
which reminds me,
that maybe we aint around home enough.

anyway, i saw this guy.
average joe. he was alone.
he prolly was doing personal shopping.
but oh what a turn on it is to see men do their own groceires.
or maybe its for his other half.
perhaps, since he has dvds in his video easy plastic bag.
but how nice to have such a man.
who knows how to just, chill at the comforts of home.
even if its just popping in a dvd to watch alone,
or snuggling with a loved on while watching it.
he'd make dinner she'd set the table.
or maybe its to cheer a loved one up.
maybe that person is sick, and needs hot soup.
and he just needed to get special ingredients, including a movie.
oh what a dream bf/husband/father he could be.


my prized creatibe mind with jut one mere trip to the suprmarket.
steph steph. *tsk*

depression

i think sooner or later im going to admit myself for depression.

im so depressed about so many things.

on the top on my list.
my body.
i hate my broad shoulders and pouch of a belly.
not that i want to be the next kate moss of anything,
but i just hate it that my body matebolism is slower then a snail.
its not that i eat alot.
sometimes i can only remember eating one meal a day.
maybe im eating elephants' portions.
and i cant pin point why i look different.
as in not as cute as before.
ARGH.
and why im not as much as a cam whore now then before.

then, money.
bills bills bills and i want to get my lisence.
fucktards.

family.
i dont know what it means anymore.

friends.
i dont know who can/ will be there.

paranoia.

silence.
in my home.
around me.
in my heart.

racing thoughts which cannot translate into words because im not expressive
but ironically utterly sensitive.

scolding myself in the mirror for being plump.
being stupid for cant thinking of what to wear,
and then when shopping cant find something that appeases me and my wallet.
I DONT KNOW
my mind now is just circles
circles here, circles there.
circles circles EVERYWHERE!






WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
suddenly i thought, maybe im growing up to fast.
ive always thought i had the mind of a 68 yr old, and that was 3 yrs ago.
68 + 3 = 71 :
stupid, im not talking sense.

MORE CIRCLESSSSSSSSSSSS.
i want to just clonk myself in the head to knock some sense into me.
or maybe i just want to see stars?

oh yes, how i love stars.



now i (and you) know why depression is a mental condition.

im not ok

yes, im not alright.

i dont know what to say, and where to start.
but i guess its people not being there when i need them most.
yes, so ive been told alot of people care abt me.
i dont need to know, i need to feel,
just when i needed it most.

the game was a shitty one for me.
yet as messed up as i am, i still cant come to terms that it was entirely my fault.
but its not as if anyone bothered to just, be with me.
i dont have a problem with accepting a harsh reality,
but rather the reality that if you dont perform, you might as well just warm down, debreif and leave.
coz no one sees you for he whole day after.
overexpectations on others on my part? or a reliant weakness of my frail self esteem?
its alright, ive tasted it before. but i cant shake the feelings off.
just the preoccupation of thoughts that what if one day i do really need someone to be there.
who would be.

and my whole night was in silence.
over dinner and beers.
i was just drowning in my scattered mind.

until pop.
i just had to cry my heart out.
yet i couldnt bring myself to share whats on my mind
because i dont know who i can with.
why such a hard choice?
becuase people change. people arnt who they are all the time.
or rather they get caught up in their own moments of joy,
you become shamfully invisible.
or that people forget, and so they forget to just, listen.
so why pluck up the courage to risk my feelings on people that dont take care of my feelings,
who dont remember what it is that is bothering me.
actually i dont really care.
i just need people to remember to remember to be there.
and to remember what it is we share that makes ours friendship in the first place.
i need them to remind me how it is like to be free.
to smile.


its the simple things in life we forget.
and tmr, ill be okay, yet again.

the last of me.

EVERYTHING'S OVER!!

no more projects
presentations, tests,
interviews, NO MORE NO MORE.
at least till the exams end the sem entirely. HEH. :)

yesterday woke up uberly early for an exhibition match at blanga rise.
it was awesome.
not so much in the game, coz all of us played at snail pace.
but more so of the kids and their enthusiasm.
the day started with dragging myself into the shower and then to the bus stop to be picked up
by the rest of the tp volunteers,
namely lu felix and dee.
gone to get my boots at tp, then made our way to the school.
omg traffic was a killer, i swear the journey nearly made me puke out my empty stomach
so initial meeting time of 715, but our arrival was at 8am.
lucky marli good mood, because got hemsem pe teacher so she chipmunkily smile smile
HEE.
he not hemsem hemsem, but body hemsem.
his adam apple is damn high i swear.
anyway, it was blues vs whites.
unfair mix BTW. haha!
halfway through kids started joining us in the play. DARN CUTE.
i helped louisa, a primary 3 ah girl.
then game time was over. marli went to the crowd of kids,
who WERN'T very much taller then her.
and and and , the towered over her saying "I WANT TO PLAY!" and they were on tiptoes please!
so it was time to say goodbye.
and off to harbour front centre to eat.
freaking funny conversation, but not as funny as dee's favourite song that was playing.

btw, it was felix's day i swear.
firstly, after the game, he came to me and lu, and said,
"that small girl quite pretty ah"
lu darted him by saying, "WAH SMALL GIRL ALSO WANT",
along those lines. LOL.
secondly, dee was looking for a source of an irritating sound.
only to say "FELIX I CAN HEAR U CHEW FROM HERE! "
heh heh.
thirdly, on the way into school, we were looking for our pet spiders,
(just one day we came across a huge web with 1 huge spider on it and another small one)
peter being the big one johnny the smaller (felix would tell u otherwise)
and while walking up the slope without finding our pets,
felix suddenly paused in his steps.
"shit" he said.
timo and i was stunned to what he was talking about.
then he pointed to his toe.
BIRDSHIT! HAHA!
right smack on his toe that kiaps the slipper. wah CANNOT TAHAN!
i even made him a song.
felix is now konwn as the BSB.
BIRDSHIT BOY!
show me the meaning, of having birdshit.
is this the slipper, i need to walk with.
tell me why, i can't be there where you are.
heh heh.

sorry la felix. i just had to.
consider adequate payback for making me carry you zinger meals,
BOTH you and timo.
hehe.

anyway after harbour front we went to meet timo at marina for my shopping.
didnt do much coz i didnt find much.
though i relly like the zara dress, its zipper was spoilt. but i LOVE IT SO! :( :( :(
oh well.
instead i bought undies from topshop (been a long while)
a skirt from warehouse.
total damage didnt even hit $50, so phew.
marketing interview was stupid for me.
i just didnt have the mood to give it well, 60%? HEH.
i just gave like 3 sentences answers at the max.
i cant help but feel that its been repeated too many times that its meaningless.
so eff it.
to training i'll go.
and on the way in the blue bus, things and people around me just suddenly made me realise.
that i dont know if the friends i have now will be friends down the road.
especially since there are early symptoms.
anyway again i was reminded of how trust is of utmost imporance.
and it cuts like a knife. and i won't be afraid to admit,
that it scares the FUCKING SHITTERS OUT OF ME.
not that ive breeched anyones trust,
but im a coward should i find out the mine has been.
on a lighter note, training was swell.
we practiced our SD move, and this training i was able to sort out my doubts regarding the appropriate gaps i'm suppose to be hitting.
note to self, IMPROVE YOUR CHEEBAI HANDS!
*ahem* pardon that. but yes.
NATIONAL TOUCH LEAGUE BEGINS THIS SATURDAY!
yes ah! im excited. and dare i say, more confident?
yes, not only of myself, but for all of US US US :)
through the training, i felt that the move was VERY well executed.
and thinking back, the times where i did it most efficiently was when it was executed with nurl, vie and myself.
just so happened it was us the trio. of it just never got round to other combos during our game.
but yes, sastifaction? definately.
and i daresay that alot of us are efficiently improving in our own ways.
i find that gale does VERY nice inserts, just bummer that sometimes the ball never gets to her.
perhaps playing next to her helped me see that, but i like that i can read her gaps easily.
goal settings after was awesome as well.
this was the first ever best goal settings i felt.
it was common and precisely what we need/want.
in conclusion, this is a good start to something great.
TIP: NEVER peel blisters with your bare hands,
you'd end up with a BEEEEG patch of skin being ripped off, leaving your bare flesh being exposed.
in case you don't know, IT HURTS.


and today.
alarm rang at 630, woke up at 715.
WAH TANKS. i dozed off.
rushed my shower, left my house just slightly before 8
met aimee and off we were to school.
bloody sentosa shuttle (internal and external) was irritatingly hogged by the NAFA people having some sports day or so they say.
who the hell has it IN SENTOSA.
thanks la, disrupt our routine.
so, together with the 1hr-late-for-culinary-class samuel who is going to be cooked by the chef,
we shared a cab in.
samel tells the best life stories,
especially of him sleeping on kitchen floors.
BET YOU DIDNT KNOW THAT! :)
so yes, $6.70 damage, great. *rolls eyes*

deployment week 2.
now THREE people take photo with me.
i manage to persuade 2 china guys to get LOADS of keychains.
they had a bucket full each.
and this couple to buy the merlion mornument, buy 4 get 1 free.
a chopin plate plus 3 of those acrylic plaque thingys.
well, ok la. though i didnt like that i had to peel myself away from one customer just because another one shouted for my attention.
oh well.

btw, the store was flooded today! yes! lol. due to some pipeage thing.
to think that sweeping the floor was something you dont see steph do often,
try picture her sweeping water! HAHA!
darn cute.
then it stopped, now just the many many puddles.
and when i was sweeping up the bit in front of the counter,
this indian uncle insisted he take over.
so OK.
and that was the start of my grammy award winning performance.
thanks to one brave photograper.
walked around aimlessly for a place to have lucnh,
ended up back at school for prison food.
the rest of the day i did redemption.
quite fun. better then last week. i felt more in control, vs the china people shoving cards in my face.
1 or 2 good lookers of the day.
overall today was alright.
though it rudely struck me that somehow, i am a closet introvert.
and yes, this is the first and only time you'd see me saying that.
i realise its hard for me to warm up to people.
so i guess they think that i'm stupid, or dumb for not saying much.
then i thought of someone's msn nick
"don't mistake a quiet man for a fool for he might be thinking more then you"
but i dont like it, that i'm sometimes like that, SO SHY FOR WHAT FUCK.
i'm just, further supressing the me i want people to know me for.
maybe i do deserve the emmy award after all.
we ended at 425 then the usual 4 pm like we did last week.
the rest didnt wait for us, freaking great right.
did urked me, though i guess i sounded unaffected,
like i always try to.
went up to the merlions mouth and head.
from there could see a few of the boys in school changing for their friday soccer. LOL
then we left, went to harbour front with kate, till she dissapeared.
met chai and nic, trained with them .
then it was with aimee all the way to bedok.
my mum bastard me.
she ask me wait for her to pick me from the simei station.
after 20mins, i called her and she say "i'm still on the highway"
wah thanks. i walk home la.

i'm hungry.
and i'm desprate to convert my frown into a smile, that i'm heart phucked.
i dont want to pretend anymore. but its the only things i know how to do.
and i'm just, stuck.
probabely thats the source of my headache.
perhaps right now, i just need to come at terms with the truth
that i might not be, who i thought i was, and can be.
and it'll help, if everyone just live with the me they get,
princess tantrums and mood swings with the ultra sensitivity, cheesy jokes and all.
i dont need much, i just need for you to understand me when the time comes.

walk the mile

yessss ah
projects are over.
just one more presentation later,
one more marketing interview,
then ITS A HOME RUN
(till the exams that is)

school has been nonsense.
last week was my first week of deployment.
was attached to merlion retail with aimee.
quite fun, the people there are nice
and i didnt know singapore's souveniers are quite cute,
esp the musical merlion lighter. LOL
i did the redemption counter, in which tourists could redem for free gifts.
farid taught me, but i shy. LOL .
picked up after awhile.
then the china people started coming,
goodness i so shy abt my chinese la.
lunched at tas. then back again to the counter!
i swear its my comfort zone behind a counter,
kinda like how i like being the bartender for execution day the previous week.
it was a massive influx of tourists.
esp chinese ones.
then on micheal joined me at the booth
and he gave me 'tips'
on how not speaking chinese helps.
and yes it does, by observing him. LOL
they really dont bother him as much, as in they dont ask to change for another gift
and poke him for attention and what not.
BTW, this micheal guy thought i was indonesian.
when i said eurasian he heard indonesian.
WAH THANKS AH.
so worked till 4. then it was back to tas to rush off the report.
while rushing we were playing with the visualiser in the lab.
placed the ad of the ice cold tiger beer onto the screen.
then me anf felix took turned taking pictures of us drinking it, holding it what not.
sometimes it looks like pee into felix's mouth. HEH.
stupid funness.

after that we headed to seah im for food
before princess felix, timo and myself headed to doughby gaut for shopping!
carrefour to be exact.
about 3hrs spent there! madness la.
we prolly combed through the whole place. every nook and cranny.
but it was nice.
i like departmental stores and supermarkets.
and the feeling that u can plonke anything in the trolley (and let timo push it)
LOL.
rachel joined us halfway.
somehow it was just nice, strolling along side the trolley looking at the massive array of stuffo n the shelf.
what a way to unwind at the end of each day.
i cant wait till i have my own family.
or perhaps living with friends under the same roof would be cool too.
ho hum.
in all, i bought quite rediculous things. heh.

* snow shite dvd
* fantasia dvd
* CINDERELLA dvd!
* robots vcd
* SUDUKO PRO ELECTRONIC!!
* caprisonne juice

yup.
nonetheless quick a cheap steal.
totaling up to $175.60
heh heh
WRONG.
but $41 :)
the most expensive item was the juice, believe it or not.
wlked around abit more, and then we wanted to walk rachel to outside PS so she can meet her friends.
but we ended up sitting at the steps
and to make it more productive, we decided to go get drinks.
1 barcadi breezer which tastes like juice.
then her friends came, audrey and justin
followed by more.
they got beer, we sat and chilled while playing eye spy.
as usual felix went red. (are u surprised)
left just in time to catch the last train.
suddenly i realise the advantage of having a driving lisence.
of going anywhere, anytime with anyone in the comfots of your own vehicle.
and it doesnt make a consulation fact that i DO have a car at my disposal.
stupid.
i should have just not given up at my second time failing.
STUPID.
nvm, next test on the 6th sept.
yes, ill pass.
but im still for my bike lisence.

slides are done on my part.
had to do it twice due to the computer jamming.
oh well.
lately ive been having mind phucks.
and it leaves my heart cold.
i dont feel like the person i once was.
i need strength to face my own demons.
i need to feel the jitters once again.
the jitters of something new and fresh
that would change the rest of my life.
please tell me, who are you.

ugly tiredness.

how do u know when u've not been waking up early during the weekends?
when u dont know what's good to watch on television.
POOT .

YMCA touch carnival was swell.
ive grown so close to the girls that it was not so much the same worrying for them,
rather it was pushing them to more then what they're showing.
and every game, each one of them gets better.
finally the diamonds from their mouths have fallen.
and it was a great improvement for these girls who've played like 2 months or so,
to reach the semi-finals.
tough luck there was some hiccups during the game, thus not allowing us to play on.
i couldnt have been more satisfied to this team that we've achieved.
the other team did great. they emerged champions.
YES AH!
we've all come a long way.
be it gold winner or goal winners alike, we are TPIRANHAS :)

then it was to project rushness.
2 projects due at the end of the week
and not to mention execution week.
guess everything didnt turn out TOO badly.
was bartending for RITS on friday for execution.
a few dizzy spells here and there. i dont know why.
none the less, i think i like working with timo.
so far ive never worked as smoothly with anyone ever.
except for that one part where i already compacted the coffee for him to brew.
and he thought it was used cake, so he cleared the spout.
in front of ms daga! LOL!
fking funny la.
lon xin said i look like i dont do housework. WAH THANKS.
just coz i cannot cut kiwi straight. LOL.
after the day's working, i had lots of cuts on my finger tips. poot.
then the cranky steph came.
tiredness + mozzie bites + waiting around for nothing = BITCH.
i actually walked out of the lab when tim and felix were dont know doing what.
i just wanted to go home.
and then. take the above formula + irritatedness = upset bitch with a poorthing phone.
got so fed up i just smashed my phone on the table while eatingg.
appetite was gone, but i knew i had to eat coz i was preparing to hibernate till the next morning.
so i slept on the train.
and then an ugly shot of me.
THANKS AH.
im never gonna make fun of people who sleep on the train ever.
ticked me off just that little bit more, but not enough to make me cry out of frustration.
but its just that there was no understanding at all to really how tired i was,
and i dont know how to explain it to make people around me KNOW HOW REALLY TIRED I AM.
and how my eyes sting every moment i blink.
its just them not empethesizing and not showing concern that makes me sad and mad.
whatever. i just wont return the same sentiments when ur time comes.
*HUGE SMILE*

i dont know what im going to do for today.
but i somehow just feel like sitting here.
and enjoy the breeze while the leaves rustle outside.
its going to be a rainy rainy day.
oh how i miss the rain.
the smell and feel of it.
and the grey clouds that blankets the skies.
i miss being in touch with god.
i miss everything that was once, me.

french fries

one night at the 300.

beer, chips, red wine, durian, DIY fondue, bananas, apples, white wine, baileys, tenquila, tv and scrabble.
lu-anne, felix, timo, baldwin, steph and bird.
france and italy.

dinner at 85 was yummy. discovered a better bah chor mee stall on lu's recommendation.
to east point it was to rent dvds, though i have quite abit at home.
harold and kumar, and saw 2.
felix had his own runaway jury.
and on the way to my house, he did a brave brave thing.
(left for us to know :) )
we melted our own chocolate and lu cutted up some apples and bananas.
melting the chocolate was NO EASY FEET.
different ways and methods that all the smart alecs thought of.
timo came. and for awhile there was a non-existent conversation
and non existent rambutans. aiyo.
took all the stuff up in 'eager' anticiation of the match.

lu and myself watched the gresome but goooood movie, saw 2.
still prefer saw 1 better.
felix and timo huddled up in front of my laptop to watch his jury runaway.
after the movie, we chilled, and then scrabbled.
baldwin came soon after, in time to miss the 2 goals by both teams.
my first ever time i got to shout "GOAL" this world cup when zidane did yet another awesome penalty.
anyways, sleepiness kicked in.
so i awoke to ask what time the extra extra time starting,
only to find out from timo that the games over doofus.
ITALY WON.
no.
no
no no.
NO!
ok sleep.
i went to my room to sleep so these 4 bodies will have space.
though i doubt since felix was already plonked comfortable.
the rest were forced to makedo.

casulties of the night
* henry and his bumping of his head! awww :(
* a wine glass
* the chocolate that felix made (which lu threw out)
* felix, lu, timo who lost to the scrabble queen, ME. yahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa
* bird who had to go to school the next day
* felix who mummbled a few gibberish in his sleep.



no more french fries for this week. HMMPF

i dont have the heart.

and so i didn't go to school today.
i just didn't want to since my heart wasnt there.
moreso its service class where you have to smile all the time.
and who can smile without a heart? i know i can't.

so i am technically right saying i'm not feeling well.
then again, only tim kinda got it.
i like hanging out with him.
and princess felix, and haha.
they make me feel care-less and free.

to the doctor's later, for excuses to get an mc.
might check my leg out, but really, whats the most he could do.
maybe to plaza sing to get my cinderella vcd and other mickey mouse ones?
carrefour is truely the ultimate departmental store,
with all the vintage mickey episodes. I LOVE.
and it had piles of alice in wonderland vcds.
to think it took me so long to hunt for, when there was a mount everast of it there.
but lu bought me one some time back, (yays)
it really makes me happy.
i might even buy myself a canvas and go mad with my balck and white paints.
that's if dad's given me my allowance.

but i feel like staying home today.
just.
so i dont see the sun.
i feel claustraphobic and i need comfort.
the best option ive got is this house.

i can't wait for jazz by the beach tmr.
i want to just sip on my wine or beer
and be lost by the seranade of the beach.
hopefully i can drown this omen for good.

emotional connection

i know what i want and need and look for.
emotional connection.
just being able to be read form the inside out,
without me having to drop the diamonds from my mouth
and stressing my bird brain out.

read me like a book.
and i'll know, you're mine.

lately.

i knew my life's high would run out.
so much for the build up of great events that led up to today.
and funny how i only have time to blog abt not so happy stuff nowadays.

just to be fair, let me credit that today began swell.
lunch was good. class was entertaining with our discussion on pets and worms.
training was not as productive as others we've had.
and i felt, redundant.
true enough, it was picked up.
so my today's performance was rubbish dump bad.
how silly of me to think it was only today.

somehow i thought that i was on track, only to realise today after my talk with ifa that i've been stagnant for quite some time.
perhaps i've not realised, or perhaps its that no one's told me to make me not realise.
or perhaps i've been too optimistic or set on building my confidence.
i dont know, but its certainly not crossed my mind.
maybe he was right, i do live in my own 'delutional world',
but then again, that was a long time ago and it was said by the devil himself.

and its weird the people who i chose to turn to.
and its funny how when someone said "what's wrong with you"
or another one said "you're unpredictable"
made me stop thinking and reflecting.

anyhoos. thanks shimona.
for being the only person who affirms me.
it means so so much, and i do so so much appreciate it,
and love you so for having me in your thoughts.

and i'd like to say, i take up the challenge.
of a chance that i've never seen coming.
not for me, but for us.
the new us.
quite frankly, i'm excited to see the outcome.
i might even shock myself.

bye bye today. hello tomorrow.
it's going to be a better day, i hope.
lately ive been having the strangest feeling.