fly away from here

to think i've not have enough setbacks.
i just got another one, right from the heart of home.

i got news my dog passed on.
my dear dino, friend and loyal companion of 12 years
left us in his sleep last night.

i know i may not been the best to him,
but i guess only he knows how much i really love him.
and our random walks out at nights.
and i'm sure he took the mickey out of me at times when i came hom drunk
and sat with him on the porch because i was locked out.

i remember how he was soooo small when we first got him,
that he could fit into the square of the gate.
i was 8 back then.
and each time he does, squirmy like a black torpedo with a fat belly
he got so happy he was literally just bouncing and just not passed the first step of steps in the house.

taking him to the beach was fun, gosh he grew so fast.
hated it when he teethed.
and that he ripped my favourite shirt once when he excitedly pounced on me.
and very much sooner, he became HUGE.
only his stout fit through the gate now.

and very much soon, he became, just the watch dog.
sadly.
and i guess he felt that too.
i'm sorry boy.
i'm sorry that our last walk was so long ago,
and that i didn't get to say goodbye.

somehow i felt that he waited out.
so why havnt i been home the past month.
another sign to tell me, it just wasnt my time to come and be here.
and i'm crying like a baby.
he was still alright when i left and hugged him before i left the airport.
and ive had news from my sister how his legs wernt holding up.

did you wait for me?
wait for me to return?
or to come back drunk again just one more time?
or to open the gate out too wide so you could run out and watch me chase after you?
wait for me to throw the ball and fetch it myself?
wait for that last walk?
did you hear my prayers for you?

and its funny, how i was on the phone with harry last night
and talking about you right then.
thinking back, pretty much 10pm when you had left us in your sleep.
about how you use to be tiny, and then not.
about how i use to be tiny too, and then not.
and that dream, that dreadful dream that i had.
you with those sad eyes.
and that has now inevitably come true.
but in the dream, i got to hug you babe.

and i'm so sorry again.
its like i heard you speak to me in the dream.
and there's nothing else i can say or do,
but i'm so sorry.
i hope you know all my heart says and feels for you.

and you'll always be in my heart.
you smelly black cow.

i love you boy,
and you're the one that i will always miss.
i will see you someday soon enough.
wait, and don't forget me love.
and this time, it'll be forever.

RIP dear Dino.
1996 - 2008

unhappy nomad.

and inevitably, i broke down.
in front of everyone.
it was like, i was possesed.
because i dont remember.
and i dont usually know how to speak my heart out so freely.
i dont even know if subconsioudy i meant anything.

i guess, i just really need support now hey.
or i need to learn, (still) how to support myself.

and i've lost my passport. BRILL.

study week this week.
in dire time;
to focus, recharge and revitalise.
tests assignments and more tests coming up.
eyes on the prize.


i still need reassurance.
and that long awaited snuggle.

fix you.

Starfunny says:
yes im good
if only my mood was the same
alot of things are wrong,
but i cant put my finger on it 'just one of those, u know?

being away from home? bad days?
life gets like that sometimes.. but there's always happy times ahead
cheer up

maybe being away from home. i guess this is the first inevitable road bump.
when u try to push the grass is greener theory.'
i just have alot of questions to myselg sometimes. and i upset myself.

sometimes you gotta water your own

its just the 'what was i thinking wanting to come here' when my life was perfect already but i needed more

it's probably just a transitional point in your life your wondering why and what and feeling worried and unsatisfied because your futare is uncertain

i hit my ultimate low yesterday.
my heart is sick

what? what happend why?

the 'what am i doing here' hit me.
its just a reality check kind. dont know if you get that
not homesick. more like, why did i leave my life when i thought it was screwed but looking back i had it all going for me. but i thought id find something better, you know?

so you would like to have your "old" life back?
why isnt your life so good now?

i dont know if its there for me to go back to
i didnt say its not good. its just, uncertain and i guess im scared of failing.

well.. no one else than you can find that out...
but we shape our own future


fly away from here. fix you.

ahchooooooo

no updates as of the past week because.
IVE BEEN SICK!!
from sunday.
and when i went to the doctor, no prescribtion.
apparently my body just doesnt respond to anti biotics.
so just been ordered bedrest and panadols which she says wont help.
anyway, cottlesloe beach is lovely, so was the company and il gelato.
i made a friend, simon the seagull.
chilled with ine and audrey after,
ine and i finished a whole bottle of vodka??!!
ruby room on saturday was alrightttt.
the crowd tends to get weird during certain hours.
and yes, maybe i am out of your league so stop whining.
whimp.
on the contrary, jake who we met there sent us all the way home in a cab,
even tho he lives on the other side of perth and it came up to $100++.
such a sweetheart.
and i love my sundays at freo.
tho it was the start of my backache (WHY?!!)
which seemed to become a fever, then flu which lasted till now.
and i feel miserable.
it makes me feel more alone.
ive just always been so pampered when i'm sick.


oh how i feel so, helpless.

matthew's 21st went alright, that boy can driiiink.
14 shots and still standing.
cant wait to see what tmr and saturday will bring him. HAHAH.

expiry measures

pork chops, with caramelized onions and apple sauce
paired with garlic-ky mashed potatoes and green salad.

CHECK.

was a huge sucess for a first time.
and its a freaking $7 meal,
with priceless company.
audrey dear, i cook for you ANYTIME.



oh how i will spoil my husband-to-be.

burp! :S

so freo was awesome.
lil creatures were too packed for charlene and i,
so to kailies.
their calamari is better then cisarellos.
and nothing beats a glass of white on a sunday arvo.
nor 2 ;)

to the beach after. it was nice.
just chilly after awhile because of the breeze.
but it was a great lovely day
and i loved the company.
and the quiet time, you know.
with your ipod in your hand and the sun between your toes as it set.
going back to the station was a bitch tho.
cant believe no one helped, or was kind enough hey?
haha.
anyways. speed grocery shopped because my poor housemate was waiting.
(FYi grocery shopping is a satisfaction that should be gone through slowly for maximum pleasure)
dinner menu: tbone steak with heavy mushroom and garlic sauce, served with spagetthi and asparagus on the side.
OMG it turned out the best so far XOXO.
then watched the olympic game between china and singapore which ended singapore's 48yr medal dought.

today was a non stop hits with the back to back classes. 1130 - 430. then again at 530 - 630.
first time i fell asleep in a lecture at 6 today. zzzzz.
i guess i gotta get use to my mondays like these hey.
had audrey over for dinner. always better to eat with company.
defrosted my own home-made tv dinner - spagetthi sauce.
made some meatballs from scratch, boiled some spagetthi, added cheese and wala! :)
and needless to say, im UBER stuffed now.
even trying to finish all my food that somehow expires on the same day!
21st Aug. i think i need to buy 4d.
but yes, so plenty of stuffing on foos before then
and then ill be hungry and foodless after thursday.
whippee.

we have a new tenant,
some china girl.
i hope the considerate kind.
anyway, i saw the room again
and come to think of it, i might have picked the smaller one :(
but it defos has a smaller bed with a shitty matteress
(i swear the previous tenant of this room was a pig, its half sunken in)
bottom line, it is NOT COMFORTABLE.
the cupboard has more shelvings. where as mine has, well, NONE.
hanging is limited though, so i win on that.
but BED. i need a bigger bed.
i swear mine is like, mini single or something.
meow.
maybe in the middle of the night i will creep out of my room and change the mattress,
or bed :)
shhhhhhhh

hitting the books soon.
or maybe sack. just too worned out today :(

coming down under

so its been so long since i saw this page.
and about 3 weeks ive been here.
first off euphoria is dissolving into the need for reassurance
to why i even started this adventure.

its sad that i miss food from back home the most.
maybe its just because i havnt been eating very well since i came.
and i wished that showed, then at least id complain less.

certain people i miss because they've become such routine to my life,
that somehow, everything crashes down to being disfunctional from time to time.
but i need this stepping stone, so i need to suck it up.
if not for me, then for the future.
mama's gonna be so proud.

anyway, im fortunate to have made great friends.
is it me are aussies in school not as friendly as how aussies are painted to be?
made friends with people from norway, kenya, mauritius, germany, and handful from singapore.
and its swell. they ease my transitional periods.

right about now the sun these days are out more often.
makes the cold barable. oh how i love the sun and cant wait for the summer!
thinking of packing a picnic basket and head out now now now.
or little creatures at freo is heaven for a glass of white on a chilled sunday. <3

ill try to update as much as possible now.
seeing how my schedule doesnt really allow me to keep in touch with each and everyone.
pictures wise, am i jolly backdated OR WHAT.
especially with the many installations of my farewell...

Youth In Touch with the Tpiranhas Oldfarts
Sunday brunch with the favourites
Quiz nights
Lomo shots!!
Sentosa with Lu and Momo (MORE LOMO SHOTS!!!!!) :)
Equinox!! <333333
Dinner at the Lius, and my last supper at home.
nerds party in the office
CHINAONE 'steph goes down under' party

and even from far far away i got good news on the proposal that ive been working hard on.
that we've all been working hard on, the late late hours.
and its a kick in the face of those who previously thought im dumb and not worthy of being entrusted with the huge responsibility of doing up a porposal.
oh the liberating power of empowering.
and it paid off. hugely. ionixed yo.
and the many many smaller events i did when i was in concept 360.
its just serendipity and i miss that the most.
from facing aunty juju, to being the queen of thailand.
its a hard work of fun.
and the crew are in beijing now. with f1 coming up too, itll be busy busy.

got a chance to see people in aussie land whom ive not seen in so long too!
the last time i was here was 8 years ago!
godma and godpa, who took me out to dinner at hyatt hotel and then to the cas at burswood, (!!)
and the get together at bernie's for val, maddi and bren's bday,
uncle/mr ed and aunty merle - thought they're frequent singapore visitors
uncle dons - saw him in singas not too long ago, but the rest of the fam, aunty doreen and brenda, its been AGES! and bren was telling me stories about how the girls would take care of the younger girls way way back, when we were about 3-6.
then theres of corse uncle barney! and val, oh funny bubbly val.
as well as bernie and her beautiful family.
the winter cold was out the garage door and the warmth exuberated from everyone's face.
except dad, whos lonely heart showed.
but i guess your destiny or fate is how you chose it be.
and i just hope you're happy, then i am.

school school school. is ok, still.
because ive kinda taken all these basic subjects either in secondary school or poly.
seeing how 'hospitality and tourism management' has nothing to do with 'conservation and wildlife biology', i was initially hesitant. but its turning out ok.
i guess at this stage its still the revision of old topics (ie MATH AND SCIENCE) which i havnt touched in 6 years.
but im quite happy. i expected to be here at least 3 yrs but apparently i can complete it within 2.5 with a double major.
but ive still pushed it to 3, with double major and a minor.
marine science please!
cant wait to start diving here!
and driving.
and surfing.

did i already mention i HEART FREO! ?!
its such a summerised atmosphere of the free, hippie arty farty soul,
ie me.
its just, lovely.

and i hope theres much more to discover,
more great people i'd meet.

my adventure will continue.
stay tuned, matie.

packing your life away

and you know its hard to let go and start over,
when your luggage is spilling out its sides
and you cannot decide what to chuck, keep and pack.
what do you really take with you,
when all you want, is to start over?

goodbye

the reality is now, you are leaving.
and i look back on the times i really knew you.
and i just wished neither of us left so each night would last longer into the day after.
because in some small little little ways, in reasons i am unable to comprehend,my heart tingled each time you were near.
and i've missed that, not as much as i've missed you
and am going to.

do you ever think of me?
would things have ever been different?
all said, done and not,
i wish you well.

jaded

so i been to redang and back.
it was a great holiday, well deserved and it couldnt come at a better timing
for me to get my mind sorted and my directions clear.
but as soon as i crossed back over the boarder,
i felt everything weigh down again.
i miss simplicity, so take me back soon please.

days at work are getting tougher, and mundane.
im looking forward to paintballing tmr in jb,
and phuket for 4 days right after.
hopefully, its continue my spiritual and wellbeing healing.
it'll do me good,
especially after such a bad bad day yesterday.

and did i mention im addicted to online shopping now?
sigh.

ethan's first month

celebrated baby ethan's first month.

finally have my own camera so from now on blog's going to be PACCKEd with pictures.

(only just if and when i get the time, and find a damn way to upload pictures fast!)

no red eggs though!
but it was heartwarming.
everyone's all grown up now, and for the first time,
i saw the gleam in a parent's eye.

kelvin's all grown up in his army do, giving a red packet to the new proud daddy.
and granny just looked back at him, with such pride at how her grandson's grown
into a filial boy, handsome and healthy.
and how her granddaughters sit together at the same table,
all grown, bright and pretty.
and when we said our goodnights i felt a tear in my eye i fought back.
i miss my granny, the fond memories of when I use to stay with her
and how my aunty took us out last time
(with her exboyfriend DONALD duck)
and young uncle, today proud father,
whom i used to pick at his leg hair.



because home is where the heart is.

Thought of the Day

NO ONE IS SO GOOD THAT HE HAS NO BAD IN HIM, AND NO ONE IS SO BAD THAT HE HAS NO GOOD IN HIM.

We human beings are a complex lot. Many religious writings and great literary works are based upon the constant struggle between good and evil that goes on inside every one of us. This struggle is as old as mankind itself. Yet, while we recognize our own inner struggles, we are often quick to condemn others. Psychologists tell us that there is no such thing as a bad person; there are only bad behaviors. Make it a point to look for the good in yourself-and in others. Nurture the good character traits and work on the ones that may need improvement. Like plants in a garden, the character traits that grow strong and productive will be those that are fed, watered, and weeded regularly.


Pass the fertilizer?

creep

ive fallen back to square one,
into the silence and isolation
of forgetting familiarity
and being forgotten.
i miss making people proud.
or happy.

i want to get away.
to a place i don't need luggage.

i miss being carefree

the perfect man
can be anywhere in the world
but he choses to be with her
because life is better by her side.

daddy'sgirl

and i had a bad bad dream,
that i wish never to happen.
it brings tears to my eyes.

breaking point

i dont know if its because ive held on so long,
or that ive been distracted by being busy
that its a long time coming, blindsidedly
i'm having a breakdown.

but never have i found myself crying on the kitchen floor
i hate how things always ALWAYS happen all at once.
information/emotion overload.
all different things and feelings all at once,
i don't know where to start

to start with dealing with loss and getting over waiting.
with unforeseen circumstances and news
with insecurity, with work, with less time for familiar faces,
less time for z's, things going on at home, with my dog getting better.
its everything, just everything at once.
almost like a forced moodswing with everything that's going on.

frustration, worry, depression, satisfaction, relief, anxiousness, excitement, greif.
where do i begin?
how do i put time on a standstill?

i just really need a moment to stop and breath.
or better yet, just wake up to see, know and feel things dissapear.

it would help and be assuring to know someone, anyone understands.
and tell me it'll be alright and mean it.
to know that ive not lost the tracks and prints of my past,
because that's the only thing reminding me how strong i am,
and how strong i can be with familiarity and assurance.

i cant do this on my on.
not now, and not for long.
tomorrow, i'll just carry myself like i'm fine
afterall i think i'm getting good at it.

i never knew

no courtesy of goodbye.
and all i hear, is the sound of my failing heart.
the heart that once beat for you.
the one that you made skip.

i've already missed you.
no one person could ever stretch the extremes of emotions;
of happy highs to depressing lows.
you've done it all, only you.

perhaps, i never had you.
not the you that only i saw and see.
yet why am i blaming, me?




i need the beach soon.
i need to get away.
somewhere, someplace.
some unknown.

so i can be as alone as i feel.

<3

just beautiful.

puts a smile on my face and heart,

each time.

and this too...

for abit of an obvious (different) reason.

but if you find this breed/potential breed wandering the streets,

give me a call.

lessthenperfect

nowadays, im believing less and less of what people say and do.
walking oxymoronic juxterpositions.
how people are easily swayed out of their supposedly firm stance.
i guess that's what people do once their bored or given less attention,
they move on.

superficial world, go to hell.

and i'm so oftened kept in the dark,
yet not already used to it.
maybe least of all, from you.
that's what plastic is made of aie?

i know all of you, less.

Long Time Promise.

Dear Anonymous,

I have waited a long while. Time has gone by.
And I think you should uphold your end of the deal.

I'm referring to my tag board, a long time ago.
I have waited. And now, I have graduated.
It's time you told me who you are,
and what was it you had to say.

I've been patient.
So tell me. Before curiosity kills me.
A promise is a promise.



Love,
Me.

hokker M.V.P-uki womens 7s

my first m.v.p.
i didnt really feel i deserved it, i wasnt outstanding.
all thanks to my absense from training and exercise altogether.
but im glad i didnt give up.
and neither did we.

womens 7s on saturday was fun.
we played with 7 players, no subs.
we REALLY need to get numbers,
and more support.
but i always love my time with the girls,
on and off the pitch.

had my moments during the game.
esp when i was unexpectedly appointed hooker.
trurt me, a transition for a relatively newbie backline to a forward,
it quite a scary crash corse, esp on game day.
in a scrum, everyone saw my knickers.
a few scary moments when i wasnt sure if i was going to catch the ball as i felt it slipping around my body.
yes, around.
all in all, was a good game.
i'm kinda liking the hooker position.
exposure to many positions certainly would help any player improve prospectives of an overall game, and be flexible.
definately a note to work on my fitness and conditioning.
calves cramped up too many times.

after the games, went to rania's for a shower
already then i felt so sore with 4 blueblacks showing.
i brews easily.
met brooke and we headed to bq for food.
cant believe i went the whole day with just one bun in the morning
beers at night was crazy. havnt been out with the girls for so long.
did our fines.
we lost the boat race to the boys by one person! we could have won but dear frenchie coach lost it for us.
and didnt really notice till one of the fellas pointed out that i smoked nick dance.
i think he wasnt even trying on the first time, and i beat him.
the second time the dude bought the round for a rematch,
i won again. but i knew my boobs had some to drink, and im sure nick knew too.
but he was a good sport.
cant wait for another boat race! :)

off to pump room.
I REMEMBER I FELL. HAHA.
then to cheeeeena one with daniel.
bought nick and dan a round of flaming lambos.
their poison. nick feel asleep soon after,
and we left for mos, studio 54 to check out the dj
and daniel fell asleep soon after..
last i saw of daniel was him walking away and coming back to throw my wallet at me.
i quickly rushed to macs after to beat breakfast menu coz me li-ke some currrrly fries.
then home it was.

pigged out he whole of sunday while feeling like a stiff 60 yr old.
mad cravings i had, most of which satisfied.
from my morning fries and hash browns,
to ben and jerrys, instant noodles (wtf), laksa, crab!, chicken chop. OMG.
went to hit some (golf) balls at the field near mine. lost about half of what we brought out.
i have a record of missing the ball entirely for 4 times in a row.
cravings yet satisfied: sushi/salmon, thai food, satay.
and i have a heck of a meal menu in mind that i want to whip up,
just thinking of who for and when for.

so be nice to me.
stop and stare

mr.s-a

as much as i appreciate this first time honesty,
i hate that you didnt even try
its not a selfish thing you're trying to do
but not giving me enough credit
or the way you handled things
i can never figure you out
just when i was slowly phasing you out,
you say things i needed to hear
only to not substantiate it with actions
i'm just a sucker for believing you again
and once again i'm left stranded.
so with a bitter taste behind my throat
i remove pins of hope and the messages i keep.

so here we go again,
i'm starting on my own
i'm not that bad, am i?
maybe you deserve better,
but so did i, from what seemed like the beginnging.
if it was all true, i don't see how you can let it fall to this.
i can't wait to get out of here,
it just holds nothing to me.

and to what could have been, and whoever you want to be.
you were the boy who i could really love.

thelookingglass

Hi, its me.
I'm sorry, i know its late,
but
what happened to us?
i dont know who i am anymore,
or how i got here
i miss who i use to be
i wanna have a home again, you know?
and real friends
the kind of friendships we use to belive in
i miss that
and i miss you

i guess i just miss all of it
it just doesnt make sense.
are you happy?

retard

i dont know if its a problem i have,
that i base my worth of importance,
on the people around me -
who they are, what they mean to me,
possibly, how many?

i'd rather not have,
then to have to lose.
and last night, was just retarded.
a bloody let down.

with my killer hooker heels on,
pushing an additional 4inches,
i've never felt shorter,
and smaller.

so this is what having a 'ty' instead of a 'teen' feels like.
and its only the begining.


i hate this.
i hate being here.

hedontloveyou,likeido.

its exactly what i didnt want to happen-
you opening up a can of worms with whatever you said,
leaving me hanging again.

i don't know which is worse,
you having no recollection of it,
or me actually believing every word you said.

do it, or don't,
i won't wait this one out, again.
you already lost me one too many times.
don't do this to me again, not when i'm in a happier place.

i can't figure you out, ever and never.
there's too many 'again's.
i deserve better then this.
it was good while it lasted.

i love the rain and thunder outside
good theraphy for the soul in moments like these.
and i miss you.

137

got this off ruby's.and i won you dear! :) i'm sorry i've been to busy,to tell you/everyone how much you make a difference in my life/2007.happy new year to all, babies!

whereveryouwillgo

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

effortlessly

and i just can't get enough,

of how much you make my heart :)

somethings'notright

i feel like your keeping something from me.
and i dont like that lurking feeling,
where i know less then i should.
when i want to know all of you.

and tonight, i dont want to sleep.
i dont want the day to end,
because i don't know what tomorrow will be like,
and i can't stand if it'll be less then perfect.

i hate not being a part of everything i hold dear.

x'mas is creeping up too fast!
i havnt gotten all the gifts i should get.
my tree is filled with so many many presents.
21 of them for me :)

i realy don't need the presents.
i just need to know what it is you feel.

no once and always.

i'm so upset.
of becoming to know more and more of things,
which prolly i'm not suppose to know of.

i dont understand, still till now.
i hate empty words.
why would you say once a tpiranha always a tpiranha,
when you cant live up to it in action.

i know i made a decision,
because i love the game so much i dont want to limit what i can learn,
and not keep rugby to just touch, but rugby itself.
apparently its so wrong to love the sport so much.
its killing the sport for me, or thing thing called 'team'
i HATE paying for other people's reckless mistakes.
mistakes they are allowed to make,
and that noone seems to care how i've suffered the consequences.

so many things i dont know about.
i 'left the team when i chose contact over touch'
i left, or was made to leave?
so much for saying its up to team consenses.
no one even knows what the hell is going on.
i know maybe if i was a better player, i won't have such an ordeal.
i'd probabely be needed more, or have my feelings more thought about

its becoming so different from before.
you've become different.

its my last fucking year in school,
and already last year i couldnt play.
maybe im still bitter over that,
in that someone whos not trained regularly made the team over me,
and well, she disappeared after.

i really dont like to think its entirely my fault.
it so fucking frustrating that its just becoming pointless reasoning.
and just simply fucking unfair.
i have NEVER felt so useless in my life.

i hate the way i'm treated.
and how decisions are made for me that i have to fucking live with.
the fucking feeling of knowing that i have so much more to offer,
but i cant.

so basically i'm not allowed to be kept in the loop of whats going on.
or informed of competitions unless they are short of pple which lately they have not been.
or not be informed of selections or camps and evertyhing else,
but of a christmas party.

do you chose when i am in the team and when i'm not?
would you like to be treated in the same way?

please tell me what to think,
because i really dont understand you anymore,
and pretending just makes it worse for me.
i dont know how anymore.

priority is school first, then cca.
so its my fault that i cannot make trainings because of sip.
or that i dont try.
even the logic of me turning up in time for cool down is not good enough.
its not effort.

stop treating me like shit.
i really feel like stabbing this pain in my heart away.
do you ever even think for a small second sometimes
how much its fucking hurting inside,

and that theres nothing i can do about it.

read the bottomline

and who knew a great day could be dampened,
by someone who's been making me smile for quite awhile.
i was expecting a storm after a calm,
but just not this quick.

i just hate it when people try to talk across different fruquencies.
it was a silent frustration,
and i didnt sleep much.
rawr?

anyways, back in the office.
i was number 2 in after the receptionist.
dad sent me. he keeps asking us out for dinner.
i guess it COULD be because the elder sister is back in town *yawn*
but i have my suspecisions that he just wants a time when ALL 4 of us can make it,
becuase perhaps he has something important to tell us, together.

my number one suspision;
that he might be getting married, again.
i guess im easy breezy with whatever he wants to do just so long as he's happily living,
as much as theres a part of me that worries if he makes right decisions or not,
i guess its his to make and his to bare consequences/rewards of.
he's a big boy with that unbreakable facade that he always has.

not to sound superficial or whatever,
i do think about where his money will go to.
i guess it would define his priorities,
or significance people have in his life.
someday somehow it has to go somewhere, or to someone(s)
and its just puzzling to know the outcomes.
i'm sure you can only be stingy while you're alive,
and theres only SO much you take with to the grave.
just a thought. a nagging one.

i'll be alright, i'm just fearful of the little one.
or perhaps i'm just paranoid and anticipating a dramatic build-up.
after all there could be many other possibilities.

oh if only there were some sort of device that could freeze the rain as it fell,
so it'll blanket the streets as snow.
that'll be lovely.
and instead of wanting to sleep in on a cold rainy morning,
i'll be running amock on the streets making as many snowmen and angels as i can

and its oh so heartwarming,
when collegues passing by this fishbowl,
and hum and sing along to the christmas carols playing.
christmas is coming! and i still want my winterwonderland.

and of corse the following:

* that oh-so-sexy-and-bling guess watch (leopard + gold)
* W810i (white) - my dearly missed phone who was with me barely 3 months before i lost it
* camera - any darn sexy one would beat having none at all! HA
* prolly one of my old perfumes (since i've pretty much emptied most of my bottles)
ANNA SUI's Dolly Girl would do, either the PINK or BEACH one.
* a new wallet (dark brown, longish one prefably)
* to be cont'd :)

it just had to come sometime soon.
8 more days to the 20th,
13 more days to xmas!!

XX

oh happy day

for the first time in a long time,
i'm having the best day, EVER!
it's just a feeling where you know,
today's gonna be a great day.

there's that cloud nine feeling in my heart,
where i just feel like smiling to the whole world till they're convinced i'm crazy.
that little skip in my step,
that deep breath in with my eyes closed and arms outstretched.

it prolly started waking up after the greatest sleep i've ever had in the longest time.
the only thing that can make the day better is that if it snowed.
impossible, but hey.
i'm convinced that singapore is meant to snow,
just that the sun melted it away.

20th will be the start of my long holidays,
with the many days of block leave given by the company.
21st and 26th has a night event, but :)
i'm just too bubbly.

i love the fishbowl.
and i like how when everyone's too busy in the office, we interns have spirit.
with a xmas tree in the middle, presents under it and my crown sitting there,
with xmas songs on our speakers, it'll be great to know actually secretly,
the other collegues are enjoying it too.
(pictures will be up soon!)

and these are the things that make my heart smile.
christmas is in my heart.
i'm starting to feel so much love admist my pudgyness.

mellon cherry home coming.

i'm finally back!

from the late nights in the office up till 530 am,
to the asean summit itself.
i'm free, and tired.

and i somehow wanted to stay awhile longer,
because the thought of going back to nothing,
makes me feel like nothing.
its a different hurt in the bottom of my heart.

doesnt help that xmas is coming.
the warm and fuzzy cant help but overwhelm me,
followed by a hard fought battle of shrugging it away.
i hate disappointments that's borne upon hope.

on the other hand, i loved coming back to the empty shangri-la apartment.
its my kinda place. a quiet at the end of my day.
my time, with a nice bath and a cuppa tea.
spongebob makes me laugh.

and at this moment in time,
i can't have this wait out much longer.
i want to be in that craddle,
i know i've got so much more to give.

for now, i'll just look for travel company.
for my short beach getaway the coming week hopefully,
and for my around the world in 80 days cum end feb.
to get my mind and heart of things hopefully.

my letter to you II

dear you,

i feel each step your taking,
further and further into the rehlm in which i can't comprehend.
i'm slowly knowing less and less of you.
i can't paint your picture beside me anymore.

and i really feel, like i'm losing my best friend.
it looks as though, you're letting go.
and if its real, then i don't want to know.
don't tell me coz it hurts.

the mile i'm willing to run looks cloudier by the day,
the reason slowly fading away.
do you realise i'm still here?
or do i realise, that perhaps you're not mine?

i'm scared to dial the phone, afraid to fall asleep.
because with you, anticipation is all i have;
and it usually follows by disappointment, empty castles in my sky.
its the gratification i can't live without, only coz its you.

and as always, in my good times and bad,
i wish you were here.

love,
still me.

expectations

We all think we're going to be great

and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But sometimes our expectations sell us short.

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected.

You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations,

because the expected is just what keeps us steady.

Standing. Still.

The expected's just the beginning,

the unexpected is what changes our lives.

=)

and theres nothing left to say,
when i dont know you anymore,
and the best thing left that i can do,
is smile and pretend everything's a-ok
while walking away.

'once' and 'always' don't go together,
i should know.
especially when fate and decisions arnt in your hands,
and when you try, insufficiently.
its so easy to know where you're needed vs wanted.

i just don't know how much further in the corner i can be pushed in.
i don't like the way my feelings are dealt with.
its just pointless, trying to convince myself.
la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa la la

just do whatever you're happy about.
maybe, its just me.
but you, you could have fought harder to be there,
in the way i needed you to be.

perhaps its no ones fault,
no one can take the blame.
but things, outcomes, situations and feelings,
could have been managed so much better.
unless this is safely the best, the only and the last resort.

i'm slowly learning how to have zero expections;
from me, or anyone.
its a wonder how i'm not already use to it,
almost as if im hoping for pigs to fly and cows to fall from the sky.

crappy scrappy weekend

and the best thing about the weekend,
was the sun.

i can't stand the sound of silence.

after a whole week of mad working since 7am in the morning,
i'd think i'd be thankful for the weekend.
esp with the scc 7s as well.
but no.
my weekend was quite shitty.

other then my moments with shimona at haji lane
and sharing a banana spilt with her after saturday's rugby.
and aruging with hadi in the car bacause he wouldnt stop making me feel worse.
to the mexican lunch for rachel's 20th
and laughing at silly rugby players making the most of the 1hr rain.

i somehow wished things were different,
though i know there's nothing i can change.
or maybe i can change me,
coz i think there's something wrong.
things don't always look up for me,
they dont go in my favour.

and i think i deserve better then this,
at least whatever i'm being dealt now;
the way i'm treated by you -
that of which i'll never come to understand.

at least try to see how i'm coping in such a circumstance,
and get to know the person you'd never come to see.
because i'm better then that.

its not like i havn't, tried and tried.
i've been keeping clear, of stepping on the cracks.
missed just enough to keep me coming back.
oh i've waited for better angels

better late then not at all.
better to make the break, then to take the fall
i wouldnt mind hanging on,
if i could find out what i'm hanging from.

still hoping better angels come to me,
it's a woman's worth.

and there is no medication for the soul.

and so far.

i've never tried as hard before to hold back my tears.
too many things at once.
i want to run away, with nowhere in mind.
the thought of running nowhere's becoming so much more appealing then the here and now.

i don't like the way things are turning out,
i don't want to be a bad person.
and i don't like it even more that there's absolutely nothing;
and nothing i can do about it.

i wish you'd realise the abuse you put me through.
the way you speak to me, belittling.
the way you look at me, as if all you see is what's in front of you,
minus a beating heart, and real emotions.

i'm only human; a struggling one,
with too heavy a load on my shoulders that i can't take for long.
there's so much dwelled up in my mind and heart and eyes.
i never figured me as one to be a quitter.

i've always hated dragging my feet.
i'm hating having too much to hate.
why i ever this hateful?

i need devine intervention,
or just support and a comforting warmth would be nice,
and assurance that somehow, things are alright.
that i'll be alright.
or just everything'll be alright.
teach me how.




so far, this is the worse i've ever been.

your winter

The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child

In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else, what else can't I do?

I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry ,but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you

Why do you choose your pain?
If you only know how much I love you

I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

A frozen image of ourselves
Innocent and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while

You read my eyes just like your diary,
oh remember, please remember

Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself,
And I don't wanna hate myself, don't wanna hurt you

If you only knew how much


and i had a dream about you.
i'm good to go away now.
i hate not knowing,
and then knowing, its not.

i miss you so.

brazilian thread.

i loved my monday.
work was slow but enough to get me by.
met shawn for dinner,
right after my bus blunder.
took 196 and didnt know where the bloody hell to alight.
went all the way to kallang or something, where i just alighted coz i saw plenty of cabs on the opposite side.
and alas, the overhead bridge was under construction so no way of getting across the massive traffic.
so just took a cab down, waited quite abit.
headed to marina to meet shawn and bought him dinner.
thai dinner was great, i always love our conversation.
the food was a little too spicy, i swear there was a small flame.
walked around, bought myself a book called "blink",
recommended by shawn, about people and first impressions.
can't wait to get to it.
also the notebook that i've always fancied, as well as a cd
which i thought i'd take a chance with coz i only loved one song.
(turns out i dont really fancy the album!)
shawn bought us ice creams, god was i stuffed!!
home it was and bumped into marli on the train.

tuesday morning i woke up feeling horrid, so i went back into bed,
but still pre occupied with work
till about noonish, i got out to get my mc,
and decided to do all my errands that i dont normally have time to do coz of work.
met lu at 2.30, she was late.
thus giving me the time to spend freaking $123 on personal items from watsons.
and to orcahrd we went, coz we wanted to get a brazilian.
i think i have a high tolerance of pain,
not too surprising when it came to me i guess.
but yeah, gosh the wax felt warm, and the lady was so friendly.
anyway, mine was done in a flash, hurt a minimal, and i was sweating. ha.
then went on to thread my brows.
it doesnt look at all bad, made it much neater,
but i just freaked out when she did the top part of the brows,
coz i always left it untouched, coz i just do. and well, bye bye :(
lu went for the brazilian, and gosh, everyone had a good giggle with her reactions.
he YEEEEOUCHes, and OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! haha.
she still perks my day up, always.
walked around, and i managed to get the cd changed.
diana krall it was.
met a few of the interns at the singapore visitor centre in their so kung-fu-ish uniforms,
poor haha, hang in there darlin! and samuel, you learn kung-fu kuku bird? :)
and i bought a pair of sunnies!
jean-luc suddenly called me and i immediately spotted him across the road.
silly man.
met shimo, and went for training.

training was good, my legs are so sleepy its almost hard to move em.
the freshies this year are zzz. no comment.
i guess everyone starts off like that, but its just a different amount they are willing to put in,
which translates into the message of a very minimal amount they expect to get out.
and because of me being half blind with no contact lenses on,
and the damn astro turf being poorly lit,
and a super hard steeden and a shitty pass,
that somehow hit my fingertips,
and my middle finger became purple for abit, and hurt for alot.
so much for high tolerance of pain.
now its just swollen and hurts with minute movements.
game time was orgasmic;
i still have my fitness in me under the layers of blabber,
lasted quite abit at quite a pace (then again its night so not too reliable, but whatever)
and best when i scored on the restart, straight run for the tri line.
and the bestest is the somewhat double loop on the wing side, resulting on a 3 on 1!
it was fuckin awesome, made my effort of coming down all fuckin worth it.
tho i hate hate hate shouting at people coz they're just blatantly not making effort.
not too surprised but quite upset knowing that its prolly inevitable that some people might think i'm a bitch.
ho hum.
i particularly loved seeing marian, suria, ruby and of corse shimo.
not to mention play with all of them .
left early coz i just couldnt stay.

so now i'm home, with my nachos on the side,
after a nice long warm bathe,
i feel so fresh and clean.
and a useless middle finger and a still achy breaky back,
and a freaking hole in my freakin wallet.
there goes my first pay cheque! literally, swear. within 2 days.
kiss goodbye.


i keep your messages, to remind me of the person you are,
and the person you make me to be.
maybe it'll be different.
and maybes gone too far.

denial

so i survived a 6 day work week.

monday the usual routine,
and met danny with intentions for kebabs.
then met rachel, tim, agnes, wei kiat and muna, and ended up at pasta mania.
did i mention, danny and i are on our food quest for all the various food cravings we're having.
so far, we've done the sushi, the pasta, the salmon sandwich, even carl's jr.
hokkien mee too and laksa on seperate occasions.
next up is his bar chor mee, prawn noodles and fish and co.
recipe for a reserved position as prop.
i love haagen daz ice cream!

tuesday, routine repeated, with a few meetings.
wednesday had an event which i was involved,
i LOVE the walkies. its too cool.
the earpiece to the ear, sweeeeeeeeet
the colleagues dont say it but i know, they loved my chinese song i sang over it.
*wink*
and i swear scandinavian men are mostly carbon copies,
at least for the old foggies.
blonde hair, fair, blue eyes, sharp nose, receeding hairline.
and they're so cheeky!
one of em went into the lift, and ran back passing me him name badge
"keep this in memory of me darlin"
and another while i was escorting them into their bus
"arnt u gon hold my hand sweetheart?"
haaaaaaaaaa.
ultimate backache after long hours of standing please.

thursday short hours in the office, because of on-site briefing for the weekend at one15 marina.
i swear the marina is so luxurious,
its like a dream.
the pool area, the private dining lounge. too perfect.
thats the defination of lifestyle of the rich and famous.
i want.
and the boats, lovely.
the view, awesome.
the serenity, priceless.
the steph, dreaming.

friday was mundane, and a slight jolt of looking forward to a break on the weekend/sunday.
saturday early in the morning to sentosa.
gosh, i went to the single unisex toilet and to my horror,
this guy was taking a shit, NAKED!
god, for fuck's sake, lock the freaking toilet.
and why naked?
kept seeing him throughout the day as well,
talk about awkward, he was the conceirge, and he even called a cab for me.
surprised i recognised you with your clothes on aie?

headed to bq after.
nothing like a cold beer and good rugby on tv.
pierre lost his bet and had to walk around barefooted,
though he cheated and short lived it by going home.
PFFFT.
mos with shawn and danny, bumped into chris there.
not on top form you were, well and then neither was i.
emptiness.
i just wished my saturday ended better though.
i need comfort.
waking up on sunday feels tiring.
dont help the boss calls at noon with things for you to see to.

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass.
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim.
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon.
We can only lie to ourselves for so long.
We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth.
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world.
Head on, guns blazing.
De Nile (denial).
It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean.
So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

i'm not the sort who has the right words or actions for everything.
and i just wished i knew how to make it simple for you to see, hear, feel and understand,
every single thing that is running through my mind and churning in my heart,
only when it comes to you.

my day with kyle.

the week went by so quickly,
too quickly.
i barely had time to stop.

lazy sundays have to be the best.
this weekend's a sober one,
no reserved hang over day for me this not so sunny sunday.

and i loved my day spent with kyle.
just in bed, watching him.

the best thing i love about kyle,
is his innocence,
and how his eyes translate 'sincerity' in so many levels,
its a calming.
he's perfect.
his sexy green eyes,
with his i-wanna-run-my-fingers-through-his-nice-brown-hair,
his geeky sunshine of a smile.
like a cut and paste of a perfect face.

i feel like a stupid school girl.


you're too gorgeous kyle.
i prefer you to matt dallas.


i wouldn't hold the umbrella for you though.
you hold it for me.



and you're the perfect persona of what the 'baby boy' look is like.
or even, the goofy-i-wanna-pinch-your-cheeks look.


and i'm lovin' it! :)
my sunday would have been snorsville without you kyle xy.



and i hope you realise,
that that was your last.
because i cannot wait for you anymore.
time's not a luxury i have or you'll get,
neither does the storm in my heart.
that was my goodbye.

i had a dream last night.

oh how much i miss you.

i really do.

monday blues.

monday was alright.
time passed slowly, at first.
i cant complain,
i had more going on in my mind then in the office.
manning phone lines is weeeeeeeeeeh.
that was till work started piling.
2 differnt tasks.
am i weird that that made me excited and perked my day up?
haha.
possible overseas project? PLEASE!
stayed in the office till 7 plus ah! madness!

bussed to commonwealth to wait for stupid hadi,
who made me wait forever.
his new bike's more comfy, shorter (coz he said i was heavy, bitch)
plus! the box behind is a good back rest. so, me li-ke.
went for the geyland bazaar thing. i hate that place because it makes me wanna eat ALOT.
bumped into emily there, she just got in from england.
went to the hawker centre for food, i swear he just eats chilli soaked rice
and the main dish is the chilli.
walked somemore, i want a swift!
got more food (aiyo)
and HADIZAN, you didnt bank in my cheque!
to think everyday i checked my account, and you banked in yours! thanks.
he refused to give me the cheque to bank in because he didnt want me to see his handwritting.
sometimes, boys are so matured.
some gay dude touched his bum,
and then i walked into a damn maniquin! thanks.
in my defense, it walked into me and held my hand.
going home time plus hunting for a cheque deposit box.
stopped at kembangan, but NOPE, none there.
and we missed the one at bedok,
so we just used simei one, and at all occasions,
he refused to let me drop it, and he'd rather settle his bike, walk there, and drop it,
JUST SO I WONT SEE HIS HANDWRITTING.
geeeesh.
home sweet home all tired and all.
i'm glad i had the night out,
could sure do with more even though i'm tired.
you make me laugh la hadi.

tuesday was just none stop typing with the icy fingers.
excel sheet, research yadder.
didnt help that the server was down from 3 onwards!
couldnt finish what was due that day!
so i had to bring it home! :(
and to think i took my training stuff out,
i had to go home! i was too tired and it was too late.
i surely miss the girls, and playing with them! :(
i need affirmation back in my life!

for now, i'll just stick to my security blanket,
my favourite brown duvet.
but now i have stupid curtains coz the usual ones are in the wash.
note to self: ikea soon please!

weishemohuaizheyang

i'm not ok,
and you're not helping,
i dont know why.
maybe to you it just is, and will remain as nothing.

and i'm near the point where i don't care,
because you don't either.
that was your chance to say at least something,
but you left me hanging, again.

i can't wait this one out,
not because i don't want to, but i just cannot.
i'm too distracted and lost.
yes, lost; for words, thoughts and emotions.

i'm tired of trying to figure this whole thing out.
its weighing on my shouders and pushing me against the wall of nails.
i think i'm alone on this,
can't you just meet me halfway?

now just really, what the fucking ever.
its gone through my head enough.
i really thought i read you like a book,
i was darn sure i did.
turns out you're not the person i know you are.

whatever comes, it couldnt be any worse.
given the chance, i'll do it all again.
and things will just never be the same.
i won't be.

and i just want to see you.

love,
samantha.

whatever

my weekend went alright.

started off friday meeting daniel.
had carl's jr for dinner, and thats the furthest i've ever been with their burgers!
off to clarke quay coz danny needed to drop off posters and what not,
mohd sultan area-ish too. then it was off to dempsey road.
chels and lester had their malibu party thing they ran,
by the time we got there the free drinks ended. thanks.
but we did get one, and god was it awful! HAHA .
the belly dancer was fcuking hot! i think justin timberlake's song 'sexy back' was sung for her.
anyway, heicienda is a nice place, we sat at the bottom grassy patch.
till about 11 we left, headed to dxo for the $20 towers.
rachel and mai joined us after their shift.
and we profitted $10. :)
more food at makansutra next door, we were just being greedy i swear.
$8 hokkein meeeeeeeeeeeee. and then a slow long walk to bq for the england vs south africa game.
maximum we gave england a score of 3 off a penalty conversation.
but they disappointed us futher. a big fat ZERO.
not that i care, i'm for the south africa side,
and percy, you're too fine. you sure know how to kick some balls.
thanks jean luc for the ride back.

struggled to wake up the next day.
i need and want more sleep! :(
off to turf city for some touch.
i really miss playing with the tpiranhas.
and i enjoyed my quiet time.
off to yck with bird to catch the match and shower,
bucks won both games.
then to boat quay for dinner at macs, and for the mc flurry craving,
which i only had all but half since it started to rain and it was cold.
plus, ice cream dont go very much with beer.
caught the wales and aussie game,
pierre attempted 'extreme entertainment'.
rachel and mai came along and off to mos we went.
it was alright. mr german with the tie, your my favourite.
and i think its a macho issue where guys just dont want to spin.
frenchie boy alexis bought us shots, some funky red ones actually,
which i didnt drink! too scary.
moreso i kinda already had enough shots, complementary of 'skinny'
half the time i didnt really know what the hell i was drinking also.
bumped into becs and lena there.
daniel came along, met raymond and andy,
who bought more drinks. yikes.
stayed till lights came on, and to smoove till it closed too,
and off to breakfast we went!
mai and myself had so much fun splatting our faces onto the glass as people walked by.
its funny seeing how different people react.
and i just couldnt sleep.

woke up, the sister and the bf ordered macs.
so much for my swaering off junk food,
i had it all weekend!
put a dvd on and basically enjoyed my 'free time'
surprised i wasnt a wee bit hungover.
laksa craving taken care of during dinner. so that made me happy,
until the feeling of being stuffed settled in.
caught saw III online, it was gross! but the story line was good.
and you, it wasnt the best the way you treat me like dirt.

i can't stand your indiffrence towards me, and how i'm just a no one.
i'm not asking for much, but i think i deserve more then what i'm getting now.
its a different kind of hurt.
and yet, i'm not surprised, coming from you.
because you don't realise, and probably never will.

i'm not so much looking forward to my week of nothing.
and i can't stand too many bad days.
argh!

swell

so the internship started.
and so far, i'm lovin it!


on my first day, it was a nice welcome,
turns out andrew knows my course manager!
which makes it so intimidating!
the people here are so friendly and nice.
i feel bad that i just cannot absorb so many names at once.
i have my own desk, in this place known as the fish bowl,
where the 2 other interns from nanyang sit as well.
we are the fishies in the bowl!
i got the chance to be attached to this way cool assignment,
to observe the do's and how's of getting a event on the way.
helped out and saw how they put together their pitch presentation.
mad rush i swear, and sanjay wanted to bring me along to the pitch,
WOO HOO.
and AND, since i hadnt had lunch, he told me to eat his!
awkward, but oh well.
drove over to the building (2 blocks down)
sanjay drives madly i swear, and a lizard didnt let me into the car.
the meeting took a good 4.5 hrs!
got back to the office by like 6.25, left 20mins after.
that was my swell, first day. me li-ke.

2nd day, i didnt have much to do really.
there was a general meeting in the morning,
and i met the big boss himself.
after introductions, the interns were excused to carry on.
all i had was just to finish up the invoices that i helped kamala with.
and i was done for the day, kinda.
by the time the meeting ended it was lunch time.
so off to opposite with some of the girls to satidfy my chicken rice craving! :)
my tongue studs season now i guess,
i sometimes hardly remember that its there.
bought skittles to keep me company,
half of which lost to the birthday boy mr sanjay.
i got the mission of the day after: a delivery!
heeh, to the office 2 blocks down.
by the time i got back, there was news that someone from the next building just committed suicide.
yikes!
mum picked me up at 6 and it was home sweeeeeeeeet home.

and friday is pretty much, mundane.
i hope things picks up! my reporting bosses are all outta town.
someone PLEASE give me something to do.
england vs south africa tonight, weepiee


i'm looking forward to my weekend.

wywh

and as always, you make my day.
triple frown divided by two.
plus the still swollen and now red right eye.
you're right, about everything,
and thats just something i'm going to accept.
yes i'm the hopeless romantic who wants the upside down frown,
every single single day.
you're my favorite big red dog.




'wish you were here'

heartphuck

my right eye is so swollen and stinging since i woke up,
just suddenly,
i dont know why or how.
so im struggling to open it

and i'm feeling so in a rut right now,
in a euphoria of insecurities, frustration and upsetness.
i really wish i can believe it when people tell me i deserve to be treated better,
but i just cannot cope alone, so i just keep coming back,
even though i know i cannot rely on you.
i want to be treated better.
but you don't always get what you want.
there's just too many questions floating around in my head,
that i just want to scream into my pillow just thinking about it.
i dont know anything when it comes to you.

i allow all this to happen to me.
and its what you do to me.
i just want to be left alone,
but comfort on a shoulder would be nice.

i need to get my life pieces back together.

drastic times

sometimes the anchor around my ankles just gets too heavy,
where i feel, everything's empty.
my mind's nothing less then a whirlwind clutter,
and things/ people around me just don't help.

i just have to get away.
i need a change.

change can be good i guess,
in moderation.
and when was the last time i did something for the first time?
i just needed my mind to focus on something else,
anything but the here and now.

so drastic times calls for drastic measures,
or drastic change.
my new mechanism of coping,
other then the usual running away and avoiding everything,
coz i know, it comes back to get you.


it didnt even hurt tho, i'm still speaking normally.

i have a feeling now, i'm thriving on impulses,
and i'll just wait for repocussions.
i've got nothing to lose.

on a lighter note,
went to the hospital to visit fizah,
and her newborn baby girl.
she's such a doll.
pictures soon,
along with my overdue updates.


i need to be found, i swear.

steph's saturday!

so saturday.
an eventful day, kinda.
i spent the whole day being out in the same chillax outfit;
shorts, slippers, and some stupid brown striped polo top.
and i opted for sunnies over my beloved yellow umbrella (eh eh eh)
and yes, it poured the whole day. PFFT.

started the day at 8,
in school by 10 for the internship launch.
waste of time if you ask me.
melissa made me a cupcake, me li-ke.
i know you li-ke too.
off to lunch with muna, haha, and pika.
han's sucked! the one at tampines is really bad.
it was nice talking to the girls,
over stupid stuff, and drunkard moments.
2 of em left, it was muna and i.
so we wasted about 2 hours walking through the malls,
before we headed to shimo's to head to YCK for the bucks vs bedok kings game.
went to buy beers, and they wanted to check our ids.
(what the?!)

got over to shimo's but we were still early,
so we played "go fish" on the elmo cards.
god i suck at these kiddy games.
*'L' over the forehead*
hannan was done in school, so we walked down and hopped into his car.
and we never made it to the game,
coz we got involved into a car accident.
thank god it wasnt that bad.
it was like a pendulium of 4 cars, us being #2.
#1 stopped too abruptly, so #2 had to too,
barely touching each other.
car #3 on the other hand went BISH straight into us,
so hard the boot popped open, and his whole bumper and what not, was totalled.
car #4 just played bumper cars with us.
back and forth with multiple impacts.
held up, and muna and i needed to pee.
car got towed to the workshop, we met the couple there.
after everything was settled, we cabbed back to shimo's to get her mum's car to drive out.

met hadi at YCK and watched the blacks vs scc match.
wasnt too interested in watching them play, but whatever.
we tried to hook muna and hadi up,
but poor boy just wasnt in the mood.
*tickles his chin*

went to beach road after for some food.
which was too spicy for me at that time! :S
headed to molly's to meet up with the girls,
who told me to get out of my hole,
coz i was sooo darn short compared to them in heels.
hopped around to bq, and back,
and to bb's with kami and pia, with carmel popping by.
then to chinaone. where i had a hella time!
i think i must've bumped my head or something.
coz on any other ordinary day,
i don't think i'd actually do something like that.
but it sure gave me a good laugh,even throughout the hangover day.


tagged by the 'bucks women's rugby'
and my name and number along with it :)



pia couldnt stop laughing.
neither could i.


and i'm done. look casual.
so guys, try not to get drunk when i'm around.

and this whole time, there was a dude in hat that watched me from afar,
arms folded, watching this monkey marking out her meat,
all he needed was a popcorn box in hand.

soon after, one of the bucks boys i think had too much to drink,
he abruptly brushed passed us, and plonked on a chair,
and started puking.
MAN DOWN!
so being the good simaritan that i think i am,
i petted him on the back hopeing he'll feel better,
but he was flinging his arms around randomly,
almost telling me he just wanted to puke discretely.
er, OKAY.
i didnt even realise he was puking on his pants.
and i was so brave to tell the manager and bouncer to go away. HA.
the manager returned, only to ask if i've dropped my phone.
OMG yes *blush* phew.
he was brought out by some of the boys.
low and behold, the same fella with folded arms was there,
watching me.
i bet he was thinking "gosh this girl likes her men PISSED DRUNK"
LOL.
it was pretty funny to admit.
pia left, so i spoke to him awhile,
trying to assure him that NO i do not 'attack' drunks.

headed to MOS to meet up with marli and the rest.
the bartender asked me if i wanted 'something extra' for my drink coupon.
and he came back with a lychee martini for me.
you're the shizzles!
next one was the same,
and i remember kissing him on his hand, HA!
but i hate those martini glasses, especially when you're tipsy, like happy high.
coz i swear, my toes drank more then i did.
saw albert, just as i was leaving.

i was too zonked by the time i got home.
god.
thus the motto,
"keep holy the hangover day"
wasnt that hungover, surprisingly,
but i was just too sleep deprived! :(


i miss you, booboo face.

my letter to you

dear you,

you never fail to amaze me,
and it is torture.

you put the colour back to my greyscale,
and i can imagine you making my mornings afloat on cloud 9,
being my back support of warmth in silence;
that kiss at the back of my head.

you're my perfection, you make me feel perfect.
i can't stop thinking about you,
and how it could never happen.

i hate how its so far-fetched,
a whisper of impossibility that doesnt root me anywhere near my sanity.
you're too much of a yearning,
of completion.

however the cards will be played,
will our lives change?
i feel a good thing coming,
only dashed by the bungy cord back to reality

things you'll never know, or i'll never say,
it's just the last i needed voice out,
before you go on your way, and i do mine.
you're just precious, and there's no one like you.

sometimes it just feels so right, that you can't ignore
and sometimes, you gotta stop telling lies to yourself.
when its so hard to do, but so easy to say,
sometimes you just have to walk away.



and i feel so stupid.

girls night out

my wednesday was packed.

started off with school at 2,
i got a c for coursework for organisational behavior.
and i know nothing about the subject, so good luck during my exam.
class ended at 4, me and mel went for food.
met shimo, and then we browsed the bucks online store.
so many many thingssss. sigh.
and then we went for our "girls' night out" captain's ball game.
i've not played that in a long while,
and trust me, after getting into a sport like rugby,
with the nature of the game, and the shape of the ball,
its hard to cope!
especially when people are so much taller then you.
but i did score quite abit, shimo played very well.
and the whole time i kept bulldozing people over.
funny how on grass and the pitch i get more bruises and scraps,
versus on a concrete. :)
got into abit of a tiff with one girl who had no sportsmanship,
funny how the guys didnt try to break us up.
but it was stupid,
then after she apologised.
i appreciate the effort, but i dont care about the drama.
i really enjoyed the games though, i love having monkey fun with these girls.
we came in third, ended early, so i rushed home toget ready to meet the girls,
for a real girl's night out.

waredrobe mulfunction.
picked naomi and shawn in a cab and headed to clarke quay.
the usual london bridge.
and then we went to mos.
hopped over to chinaone for a beer.
then to pump room where rachel joined us.
lychee mojitos are lovely.
rachel just loves quick fucks.
there was a naomi version of a guy, who fell asleep on the dancefloor.
freaking hilarious, while standing too! gosh .
to gotham to check out the scene.
but nah, so we went back to mos
studio 54 is pathetic on wednesdays!
apart from the good looking guy who made out with another guy on the dancefloor.
smoove was the only crowded place,
not disgustingly pack as always thank god.
so i set out on my task given by rachel. ha.
i ended up dancing with this chinese dude, alan.
he dances well, and he seems like a great person.
we all went for breakfast at macs after.
the 2 london blokes who were trying to order food were reallllly hilarious.
alan sent me home, was online till about 7ish,
and i got about what was collectively 2 hours of sleep.



and i'm really starting to feel so pudgy.

its lovely.

i can't believe i was in on a friday night.
and now, saturday night too.
man what a life.
and i know just what i need.


that's the side of you i knew you always had.

my wonderwall

the game with the australian army wasnt that bad afterall.
10-0 to them. but it was a great game on our part.
i'm lovin' it.
everyone did well, esp in coming together.
captain kami broke her wrist! :(
get well soon darlin!
bq for drinks on the never ending bus ride.
sometimes people just make singapore seem so big i swear.
11pm by the time we got there.
we won the boatrace! :)
oh i love to dance, so did their hooker who can hella dance BTW!
kudos to her, and hellen for the bartop danceoff.
their full back is too hot i swear. (shocking steph!)
karen just wanted to rape their roo, tsk!
and it's national day. (wah)
and and PIA"S OFFICAL 30tH (WEEEE! )

headed to chinaone with raph, carmel, pia, becs and hellen,
the last 3 disappeared to the hospital to visit kami.
we partied at chinaone for abit, mvpuki carmel was clobering people with her shaft.
even the hot drummer! HAAH.
to mos with raph. met marli and some other touch ruggers there.
ad! ju! :)
i just left my bag at 54, and guess what, the bouncers kept it! :S
and i met raph's (hot) friend of a friend, albert.
who was alright, not too bad and i thought he'd be a nice guy.
TEH. wrong again steph.
yeah well. i know i deserve better,
but the real question is, can i get better?
anyhoots, so when we were leaving, i made a big whooha about how my wallet's not in my bag.
only after talking to the bouncer, making reports and rumaging through my bag,
did i realise it was with albert.
PFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
oh me so hungry!

next day, woke up at 3ish to get ready for the bbq,
happy timerlion day,
in commeration of tim's little merlion escapade.
naomi came over first to help me with stuff that needed foil,
coz i suck at those.
then we had so much spare time, we made cupcakes!
with nice cookies and cream frosting. SUPERBLY SCRUMPTIOUS!
rachel came, we started out fire.
cooked abit, then felix came, then the rest of the jimbos.
cooked all the food, and we cleared up, tim felix naomi rachel and i.
the best part was when we sprayed water onto the porch, felix trying to reach tim who stood by the sliding door (widely opened)
i was afraid he might have gotta water into the house, so i just tickled felix!
and smart boy let the hose go, and walah.
sprinkler fest on rachel naomi and i.
that was the most fun we've had all these while,
of not having time to come together, since out bintan trip.
i missed my moments like these.
and the black weeners and damn cockroached plastic bag.

the boys were watching troy, the girls were half alseep
and for some reason, no one drank much.
didnt even finish a botle of absolut.
we put season 10 of friends on after.
drinking games were so, on and off.
woohoo (?)
:)
everyone cleared out at about 2am
and i left the room clearing up to the next day
somehow this year wasnt as fun as the last

i didnt go to schooooooooooool anyways.
tsk.
didnt manage to get my ass across the island to watch the aussie army vs blacks.
that would've been one hell'eva game.

and people, please start texting me your contact numbers,
coz i have a replaced sim card with zero contacts.

i feel like a nomad with my life.
and come september i'll be swarmed.
hopefully i get to go on a holiday before that. please.


you are like my armchair,
my invisible safety net.
take me to the umbrella room,
afterall, you're my woderwall.

hit by a boat

the weekend was smashing!

saturday was the killer $30 cab ride all the way to like, near malaysia!
wtf.
raffles marina! where i use to go when i was way younger.
so yes, it was pia's 30th!
and we got a boat! :)
freakin awesome.
it was rania, becs, pia, kami, helen, barbara, julie, liz, carmel and beth.
went out to reclaimation island for a swim with the floaties!
when i got back on board, i slipped! and it was hilarous how i hung on for dear life,
laughing like a broken violin,
instead of letting go and falling into thw water. BAAAH
then ross and muse put on the barbie.
we swang on a rope from the front to the back of the boat.
my go just was slicing the surface of the water with the bum.
we played never ever, and it was juicy.
barbara, you're very active i had no idea. good on ya!
and it wasnt a god combination for her, with the booze and rocking boat,
coz she was sick after, but she was a good sport for sticking it through.
chat over drinks on deck was nice
and they LOVED the cupcakes.
or at least they were drunk and polite i think. :)
docked at 830 at sentosa. we didnt even shower!
we just got into our sailorette outfits and headed to bq.
the boys wernt there coz they don't know how to party like us.
so we went to molly's. then walked to pump room
and inbetween that trail, MY PHONE FELL OUT OF MY POCKET!
and there it went. bye bye phone.
so now, i'm pretty uncontactable.
all my contacts, messages, pictures. SIGH.
oh my baby. :(
or if anyone's seen a white erricson somewhere along boat and clark quay,
FIND ME.
pump room was great!
we raided the bartop again. awesome.
met kate and her friend tom there.
and we left the sailorettes for chinaone.

this dude who wanted to light a ciggarette tried to pick me up for a quickie ah.
pity, he was gorgoues. very good looking. henry.
who wanted to pull me away from chinaone and take me home to his house across the river.
and say i can come back after. jackass.
toooooooooooo bad you are goodlooking.
i cant believe it still, kate's leaving :(
boooooooooogied with her always makes my saturday.
i cant wait for pictures!

forced myself to wake up today coz of the game with blacks.
by 12 i was up and feeling like SHIT.
and OMG I HAVE A MILLION BRUISES!
arms, legs, thighs, shin, tummy!
its not like small ones. its HUGE AH.
and the one under the bum takes the cake.
size wise, and colour.. gosh. i'm giving it 2 weeks.
i'll take pictures of it soon. sucks that i dont have my phone :(
i made 2 packets of instant noodles and finished it in gulps! along with tea.
still no better. just fatter
ebo offered to gimme a ride to turf city. my savior.
i really didnt trust myself to get me to turf city in one piece.
reached there and this cab in front of us suddenly stopped, and started reversing!
LIKE WTF! he whammed into us. lucky it was slow speed, both parties.
but it was so WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYNA DO ?!
we have our new kit! the shorts are HUGE ! i could roll em 3 times in!
warmed up and i felt like my head was 3 seconds behind me.
i really dont know how these girls handle their hangovers.
in the end, the game got cancelled because our dear david ash who was suppose to ref,
didn't even show up or inform anyone. pffft.
how could someone just do that?
wasted pitch, we got our opponents out somemore, its not nice.
not even for US. sigh.
and poor katie, her last game with us and it didnt happen.
newton for dinner with helen and pia.
laksa was alright, katong ones are still besttttt. but pia's prawns looked WOWZERS
took the train home, and i hate how people pick their nose in public,
like really go in for it, gold diggers.
and how people, especially phillipinos just RUSH to get on the train, without letting people get off, and they seem all giggle about it, and they giggle to the people who were waiting to get on the train but they conveniently shove them kinda.
like, have you heard of the word, civilised?
sheesh.

ive got a final project sudmission on wednesday, and ive not even started.
good luck steph!
to do this week:
* project
* appraisals
* trainings
* wednesday's australian navy game
* national day bbq
* be home for my sim card delivery on tuesday
* touch on saturday
* sushi with the girls
* gym
* find a damn bf
* BAKE MORE CUPCAKES!
* understanding art mask

WHOEVER BLOODY FOUND MY PHONE AND CHOSE NOT TO RETURN IT,
FUCK YOU BITCH.
I HOPE YOU'LL LOSE SOMETHING TOO.
OR MORE.
AND THAT BOILS WITH PUS OOZING OUT WILL BE ALL OVER YOUR DAMN FACE,
AND NETHER REGIONS.
coz you make me sad.
DIE MOFO!
*bishbishbishbish!*

i knew it was gon happen!!

i knew it! I JUST KNEW IT.

so it starts off with a rather productive day,
getting my slides together, with pointer notes as well,
for my presentation at 4.
and the usual stuff.
i thought i would be late (again)
(and ironically i wore the 'little miss late' shirt today)
so i hurried to the bank, wanting to replace my atm card.

and you know your life is mundane when you start your 10 min walk to the bank,
untangling your mp3 earpiece while attempting to j-walk across the road.
so by 3.25, i got to the bank, and dear me,
service has really been so much emphesized upon nowadays,
and the people at DBS should be ambassidors i swear.
i went to the information counter to enquire about how i can get a replacement,
and she was like "OH i'm so sorry to hear about your loss."
unnecessary, perhaps, coz what's it to her,
but hey, i didnt see that coming!
the queue was zzzzz, but it moved.
in 10 it was my turn, and i promoted my lost card to a debit one.
and by 3.45 i was outta there.

cabbed down to school, and reached with 10 minutes to spare
little miss not-late, HA!

then i got lost tryna find the relocatted classroon, ended up 10 minutes late,
even after being rescued by jeric.
i was the last to present. some of the previous presentation were hard to sit through,
no, PAINFUL.
from the poor attempt to read artistic names and words,
which obviously they just cut and pasted on a chunk basis,
and being seen for the first time,
to being pasted it in a distastful colour scheme that even the presenter himself couldn't decipher.
i felt over prepared, coz i really spent time doing each slide perfectly.
my presentation of it could have been better, but the mood was just so, informal.
anyway, i guess it paid off,
i got 17/20. WHOOP WHOOP.
i really hope it pulls up my grade for this subject, which pulls up my gpa.
my art review was quite a letdown, 14/20.
well, i really need to work for the last assignment to make up for the first which i pathetically flunked.
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!

headed to bouna vista to meet bird, and to uwc for training.
good session, great seeing old faces! :)
mostly everyone's back from vacationing.
i really hate that kate's leaving soon. :(
the field was shaite! the chunks of slob and mud, phew!

cabbed straight (OH MY I CAB TOO MUCH!) to simpang for late dinner with rachel and felix.
boy was i stuffed.
chatted, stocked up my fridge.
BUSSED home.
and to my utmost I KNEW IT WAS GON HAPPEN horror,
there it was.



my freakin' lost atm card, sitting nicely on my desk
JEEPERS BAJANGJANGNESS OF A FUTHAMUCKER garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl.

the bucks merchandise is out,
looks pretty good.
i wanna get the shorts, and the socks, and the gym shirt, and the white t-shirt, and the bag
and a sugar daddy who's gon buy them for meeeee. :)

last presentation i'll ever do in school tmr (AWWWW)
debate-role playing one,
i like!

off to bed now!
love,
the belly tubby.

next stop

so i just signed my letter of appointment today.
i'm officially contracted by the events company, staging connections.
i'm quite excited and looking forward to spending my time there,
hopefully i do get overseas opportunities.
but just signing it makes me start to worry again,

its another reality checkpoint.

what am i gonna do next?
graduation is soon, just upon completion of the exams,
its straight to interning, and i'll be slapped with a diploma,
and be told to fish off and worry about my life's next step.
give me a compass instead? :S

but seriously, work or school?
i dont mind work,
get my foot in the door perhaps with this internship opportunity with such a reowned company,
and tap into the potential i.r. market coz well,
my diploma is related?
or continue with school while im still young,
like all at one shot,
and possibly miss work opportunities that my peers might have?
i dont even know what or where i wanna do my next step of studies.
abroad definately.

its not that i want time to stop passing me by,
so i can take my time and not make so many decisions at once.
but rather, i want assurance
in my investments of decisions that i am about to make.
oh yes, that's my other not-so-impressive trait of being indecisive.
what can or should i do next?


one....
two...
threeeeee....



MEGA SIGH!
and frown.
whoever it is who took my atm card, please give it back.
if not, you'll get boils where the sun don't shine,
HMMPF!