whereveryouwillgo

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effortlessly

and i just can't get enough,

of how much you make my heart :)

somethings'notright

i feel like your keeping something from me.
and i dont like that lurking feeling,
where i know less then i should.
when i want to know all of you.

and tonight, i dont want to sleep.
i dont want the day to end,
because i don't know what tomorrow will be like,
and i can't stand if it'll be less then perfect.

i hate not being a part of everything i hold dear.

x'mas is creeping up too fast!
i havnt gotten all the gifts i should get.
my tree is filled with so many many presents.
21 of them for me :)

i realy don't need the presents.
i just need to know what it is you feel.

no once and always.

i'm so upset.
of becoming to know more and more of things,
which prolly i'm not suppose to know of.

i dont understand, still till now.
i hate empty words.
why would you say once a tpiranha always a tpiranha,
when you cant live up to it in action.

i know i made a decision,
because i love the game so much i dont want to limit what i can learn,
and not keep rugby to just touch, but rugby itself.
apparently its so wrong to love the sport so much.
its killing the sport for me, or thing thing called 'team'
i HATE paying for other people's reckless mistakes.
mistakes they are allowed to make,
and that noone seems to care how i've suffered the consequences.

so many things i dont know about.
i 'left the team when i chose contact over touch'
i left, or was made to leave?
so much for saying its up to team consenses.
no one even knows what the hell is going on.
i know maybe if i was a better player, i won't have such an ordeal.
i'd probabely be needed more, or have my feelings more thought about

its becoming so different from before.
you've become different.

its my last fucking year in school,
and already last year i couldnt play.
maybe im still bitter over that,
in that someone whos not trained regularly made the team over me,
and well, she disappeared after.

i really dont like to think its entirely my fault.
it so fucking frustrating that its just becoming pointless reasoning.
and just simply fucking unfair.
i have NEVER felt so useless in my life.

i hate the way i'm treated.
and how decisions are made for me that i have to fucking live with.
the fucking feeling of knowing that i have so much more to offer,
but i cant.

so basically i'm not allowed to be kept in the loop of whats going on.
or informed of competitions unless they are short of pple which lately they have not been.
or not be informed of selections or camps and evertyhing else,
but of a christmas party.

do you chose when i am in the team and when i'm not?
would you like to be treated in the same way?

please tell me what to think,
because i really dont understand you anymore,
and pretending just makes it worse for me.
i dont know how anymore.

priority is school first, then cca.
so its my fault that i cannot make trainings because of sip.
or that i dont try.
even the logic of me turning up in time for cool down is not good enough.
its not effort.

stop treating me like shit.
i really feel like stabbing this pain in my heart away.
do you ever even think for a small second sometimes
how much its fucking hurting inside,

and that theres nothing i can do about it.

read the bottomline

and who knew a great day could be dampened,
by someone who's been making me smile for quite awhile.
i was expecting a storm after a calm,
but just not this quick.

i just hate it when people try to talk across different fruquencies.
it was a silent frustration,
and i didnt sleep much.
rawr?

anyways, back in the office.
i was number 2 in after the receptionist.
dad sent me. he keeps asking us out for dinner.
i guess it COULD be because the elder sister is back in town *yawn*
but i have my suspecisions that he just wants a time when ALL 4 of us can make it,
becuase perhaps he has something important to tell us, together.

my number one suspision;
that he might be getting married, again.
i guess im easy breezy with whatever he wants to do just so long as he's happily living,
as much as theres a part of me that worries if he makes right decisions or not,
i guess its his to make and his to bare consequences/rewards of.
he's a big boy with that unbreakable facade that he always has.

not to sound superficial or whatever,
i do think about where his money will go to.
i guess it would define his priorities,
or significance people have in his life.
someday somehow it has to go somewhere, or to someone(s)
and its just puzzling to know the outcomes.
i'm sure you can only be stingy while you're alive,
and theres only SO much you take with to the grave.
just a thought. a nagging one.

i'll be alright, i'm just fearful of the little one.
or perhaps i'm just paranoid and anticipating a dramatic build-up.
after all there could be many other possibilities.

oh if only there were some sort of device that could freeze the rain as it fell,
so it'll blanket the streets as snow.
that'll be lovely.
and instead of wanting to sleep in on a cold rainy morning,
i'll be running amock on the streets making as many snowmen and angels as i can

and its oh so heartwarming,
when collegues passing by this fishbowl,
and hum and sing along to the christmas carols playing.
christmas is coming! and i still want my winterwonderland.

and of corse the following:

* that oh-so-sexy-and-bling guess watch (leopard + gold)
* W810i (white) - my dearly missed phone who was with me barely 3 months before i lost it
* camera - any darn sexy one would beat having none at all! HA
* prolly one of my old perfumes (since i've pretty much emptied most of my bottles)
ANNA SUI's Dolly Girl would do, either the PINK or BEACH one.
* a new wallet (dark brown, longish one prefably)
* to be cont'd :)

it just had to come sometime soon.
8 more days to the 20th,
13 more days to xmas!!

XX

oh happy day

for the first time in a long time,
i'm having the best day, EVER!
it's just a feeling where you know,
today's gonna be a great day.

there's that cloud nine feeling in my heart,
where i just feel like smiling to the whole world till they're convinced i'm crazy.
that little skip in my step,
that deep breath in with my eyes closed and arms outstretched.

it prolly started waking up after the greatest sleep i've ever had in the longest time.
the only thing that can make the day better is that if it snowed.
impossible, but hey.
i'm convinced that singapore is meant to snow,
just that the sun melted it away.

20th will be the start of my long holidays,
with the many days of block leave given by the company.
21st and 26th has a night event, but :)
i'm just too bubbly.

i love the fishbowl.
and i like how when everyone's too busy in the office, we interns have spirit.
with a xmas tree in the middle, presents under it and my crown sitting there,
with xmas songs on our speakers, it'll be great to know actually secretly,
the other collegues are enjoying it too.
(pictures will be up soon!)

and these are the things that make my heart smile.
christmas is in my heart.
i'm starting to feel so much love admist my pudgyness.