happie bday.

so the birthday went swell. let's see.

thursday was the start of open house.
pathetic tent they gave us to share with 7 other cca grps.
so being smart and resourceful, we set up our own make shift spot,
and tied our umbrella up :)
shimo, ruby and i of corse, had fun of our own


moo.

moo moo.

moo moo mooo.

our imitations of the mooooos.

YAY! moooooooooo.


the 3 ah-moo-goes.

three heads are better then one.

shimo and steph

ooooh ungku. yummmy.

after that was the NTU friendly.
we could have done better, but not allowing any try had to be the highlight.
the girls got me a cake after!! :)

oh yeah, angie's back form the land of the roos!

sadistic child.

aftermath of the muddy feild. and they let me cut the cake. LOL

hafizah hamzah is just a great contrast (in terms of body size)

depressinggggg steph very much.

there wasnt even a cake fight

though we look very much like victims of it.

then joined the oldies and a few girls at habibie
after that chillax at angin laut playground.
and yes, i was amazingly amazed to who was the first to wish me.
amplifies my belief of 'things mean morewhen they are unexpected or not asked for.'
and i'm glad somehow i have these people in my life.

friday 19th january.
arrived to school early. met alyssa and gave her the pug she wanted.
first birthday hug!
shimo came. and that girl is sweetness.
she got me a CUPCAKE! and a rainbow twirly flower!
wee.
deedee later got me a b'day ice cream.
being wished was, nice.
and the singapore sligners coming, was NICE.
boy are they tall.
and one of them joined us for our fun touch.
i faked and he bought, so i outran him. LOL .
quite cool la ha.
then we went on to our mission possible. :)
oh what a fun fun fun day.
felix came, kinda to make sure i went home by 4.
caught the htm skit before leaving.
verdict: my sister isnt acting, that is just typically, her.
only those who caught the skit will know what im taling abt, heh.

apparently ifa loves moomoos too. heh heh.

felix was surprised that i was on time.
headed to town and walked a loooong bit.
i didnt know where we were heading. he kept saying here and there
and stopping at weird places, even hinted botanical gardens (wtf)
finallllly. dan ryans. WEE!
and i saw the 2 cutest kids ever. the lil girl's like the baby from monsters inc.
darn cute.
rachel and naomi came later.
naomi ordered everything and then asked what we wanted.
she's a closet rabbit, eating all the greens and forcing us to.
drawing on the paper was fun ;)

"hug meeeee, its my birthday"

i drew this for rachel, from across the table .

cool aie.

felix and i

ate and ate and tim came later.
there was a hot guy, but we came to the clever conclusion that he was gay.

toilet lighting is alllllwaaay best for photos.

back from the ladies and they brought 2 cakes.
and ALL the staff sang happy b'day ah.
embarassing.

but the cake was good.
the boys devoured it.

that was it for us at dan ryan's

felix looks funnily cute in this picture,

timo looks hemsem.

naomi and i outside.

they drew on the balloon for me! :)

(which in the end, we played with the hellium)

andddd, off to mos we went.
drinking before at our london bridge.

the view from where we were.

my favourite girls.

naomi, stephanie, and rachely

bumped into raelene inside.
and a few other people.

felix was smashed.

and asleep on the lilipad outside.

haha!

and we?

we just love taking pictures :)

overall, it was a great bday.
i didnt really know what i was gonna do, and i didnt really care.
the people who were there,
made everything, everything.
and i could have not been more grateful.
i'm truly blessed.

here's a few numbers:
cake count - 6 (incl. deedee's ben&jerry's!)
age - 19!
msgs - 54
wishes - 54 plus aplenty
pple i love - 10X90X4 square.

hafizah and steph at ps, days later.

just wanted to post this picture. heh heh.

last days of 18th.

things been going swell.
i have so many things that make me smile everyday.
or rather, so many people.
and its some strange miracle that i'm starting to see things in a brighter light.
from people who use to be difficult, and otherwise undesirable situations
its all sugarcoated now.
yes, i feel like a better person.
could it be? i'm starting to love me?
wee!

mos on sat was terror.
from drinking in the cab, to brewerks to 5-10 with whisky lovers and the hot dancers.
somehow my feng sui that day bad, i keep losing 5-10 and drinking galons.
salivating in my mouth i swear!
weee! fun hor rachel :)
pictures up soon!

did i mention i'm shifting?
yes, i'm moving.
room. LOL
one floor up.
so the loft is MINE mine MINE .
its gonna be, wicked!
the best touch is my leopard bedsheets (thanks lix!)
having curtain woes. and where to chuck the huge cupboard.
if i find a place, i have so much room for extras.
like a side table, and sofa.
things left to do:
* get a room phone.
* CURTAINS (colour suggestions?)
* CD player
* DVD player for mums room so i can overtake the current one.
* Fabric dye for the 2 lazy boy chairs (thinking bloodshot red)
* DISCO BALL!
* side table
* Lava lamp bulb
* Side table lamp

alrights, its quite alot left.
by this weekend i should be moved.
at least the last FM project would be out of the way by then .
open house will be from thurs to sat.
then friendly with ntu on thurs.
ok la, open house last yr quite fun, hope this yr its the same.
dear coach just flew to South Africa last night.
i'm sure she'll be having the time of her life.
i hope she does! and bring me back many many diamonds changaling!

anyway, yesterday was the ride of my life.
for the first time in quite a long time i revisited my past.
and actually had a open heart to heart talk.
quite good. we came to the conclusion that boys, suck.
and are stooooopid.
so much so that it leaves things abrupt ends or the "its too late"
with all my "what ifs" being dashed.
and some are prolly as, if not more, bitchy then girls.
so is steph.
and so i deprived haha of her nap on the way to tp.
and answer to her "can i ask you" questions.
but yes, i did clear up alot of her doubts and hearsays.
and shared with her my lurid quite-recent-past.
AND, it felt good.
i realise after telling her my feelings and my life's why, how and why nots,
that if i didnt personally know myself,
i'd come off as bitchy and, well, BITCHY.
so after then, i wasnt so surprised as to why some people actually think of me in that way.
and dislike me, avoid me, have that little glare in their eyes when they speak to me.
or even rumors, or gossip about me, even without knowing the whole truth.
of corse i do feel the pinch in my heart,
but i dont really care.
just so long as i know who i keep close to my heart,
and know who will take care of mine.
perhaps there are many situations i could have handled better,
and many people who i could have treated dearer.
but i guess i have my reasons.
and sometimes reasons dont have to make so much sense,
and i'm not expecting many to understand.
especially when your dealing with a hyper-sensitive, constantly thinking, paranoid steph.
sometimes i dont understand me!
there must be something wrong with me
bcoz somehow i keep pushing people away,
people who try to show they care for me.
or at least i can see or feel them drift away
inevitably, i know its my fault.

but my lesson learnt, and still learning,
is that i always never know what i REALLY have.
and it'll eventually break my heart to realise how much its gone or taken away,
but perhaps not as much as how it does to the people involved first.
and that'll always be my life's regret.
i just wish i could deal with my insecurity
and my complexity of overthinking that feeds my demon named 'paranoia'
i really should learn how to put into words and have the courage to let people know,
how much they've shaped me, and my life and perspective of everything.
and as you can see, the overthinking has started.
but hafizah hamzah, i'm glad we could talk.
and I'M STILL IN SHOCK HOW MUCH YOU READ MY MIND,
especially with, you know what.
at least you're one person who bothers to get to know me,
and fess up on little snipits of ugliness between us in the pas.t.
that's the GREATEST thing anyone can do for me.
and for that my friend, i love you.
(so pls stop farting at me.)

turning 19 is like a chore!
its such an ugly number
no offence to all the 19 year oldies tho'
not looking forward to it,
not not looking forward to it. heh.
nothing beats being 18 la.

plans backed to back for the coming weeks.
these days seem so much better.
without load on my back,
somehow i could almost feel afloat.
and i realise what that load is.
its the heavy sacks of expectations;
out of people, situations, perfections, and out of myself.
for the longest time it feels like ive lost myself.
so now that i feel like im recollecting bits of me,
i hope it keeps up, or gets better.

the rainbow's never been bolder.
(but i'm still looking for the pot of gold, i want buy car! heh)
and there's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things to love.
so to that SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things.
i fucking love you.
and don't NO ONE dare rain on my parade!
join it ;)

holla 2007!

someone once told me,
"love isnt about finding the perfect person, but perfecting the love we show others"
or something like that .
this holidays, its just made me realise,
that there isnt really any perfect person
no matter how much we lie to ourselves into thinking we are perfect,
or want perfect.

its just how much we are willing to bend
and look past the not so perfect things about people who complete our lives,
and make it perfect in ways we fail to see.

and so i've learnt,
i'm not as ready as i think, for love.
or relationships.
or perhaps it is fear, of let downs and dissapointments
coz i've definately had my share of it.
and its just lonliness that makes me go down the wrong road one time too many.
or just the optimism that i could achieve something great,
great enough to fill the viod in my life
which i didnt know ive lost.

looking through my old diaries, makes me realise,
how colourful i was
and now i'm just the blank canvas,
thirsty for paint, dusty from being left aside.

i'm in a mess.
my life is.
ive lost hold of the reins, its gone crazy.
and sometimes, i didnt create the mess sadly,
ive just got to clean it up if i want good things for myself.

and ive never realy stopped to see,
how much how many many people love me.
just perhaps in ways ive never expected,
yet of corse ive pushed them away.

i've just developed a bubblewrap as my defense mechanism.
life a hedgehog that puffs up when it senses danger.
but im doing well, coping with myself for so long.
and im more them blessed to have certain people in my life.

i once told a girl, who thought she lost her atm card,
(only to find out 2 days later that it fell into an umbrella)
that everything happens for a reason,
you just dont understand or see it yet.
like how if you lose $10, someone else picks it up,
chances are the person needs it more then you, kinda.
the great unknowns of how god works his magic.
but yes, people lose things for a reason.
mine was, to find greater things,
things that if i just hid in my shell would never find.

and yes, i've been blessed.
i hope this year would be a better one,
for me, those i love and who love me.
with a better year, with better dreams, wishes and aspirations.
2007, here i come.
2006 is history, so is misery and the hurtful truth.

once again, you've done it.
for one last timeeeeee.