daddy's girl

i feel a come around in things.
i'm gonna make it happen.
i hope my placement with the eventsco. is confirmed,
i kinda picked up the call and was still drowsy from a dream where i had my tongue pierced,
with a belly stud. so yeah.
and i swear all of them there have a radio voice,
receptionist not included.
overseas oppotunities is a big big BIG thing to work for.
and i cant wait to sink into work and just work,
so i won't have time to think about anything else.

i very hungry. grrr.
i can't wait for the rubberbands,
right shimo?
even though i should prolly be in the shower by now :)

oh dinner last night was dreadful.
dad decides to pull a stunner by bringing along his china girlfriend and her son.
thanks. on mel's welcome home cum tiffy's bday dinner,
you do this kinda thing.
bird sat in the corner next to me, and she couldnt stop crying,
it was hide to try and hide her.
didnt help that mel said,
"ARE YOU CRYING?"
aiyo.
i know where she gets her insensitive side from.

but when is it right, or wrong?
i mean, its good that he's happy, and that he wants us to meet her,
and its not in the dark, and that he holds us enough in regard to share that part of his life with us right?
or is it wrong that after he left the mother of his kids for the woman he cheated with,
and makes her forcefully part of our lives, even though we detest his leave alot,
and prolly this even more?
i don't know, i've not decided which stance to take.
but i do know, that i'm not treating him, or her any different then how i would treat a person.

i mean, its hard to find someone you love.
and thats the bottomline of it all.
and if they've found it in each other, then i'm glad.
but if she's found it at the bottom of his pockets,
she'll burn in hell.
and the fact that they are open about it,
and technically he has already broken his vows and has no marriage obligation,
there's no saying he cannot date or whatever.
i think its easier for me to accept things the way they are because of my life experience,
and maturity if you'd like to think of it (i do, HAHA)
but its hard on people around as well.
like, evientally, bird.
and i can understand why. but these things take time.
and somehow my dad shouldn't force as well. so.
we're all trying, i saw it in everyone's eyes at the dinner table,
(all but david who just wouldn't eat half his rice and thinks everything is funny)

though i'd never forgive him for walking out,
or the thought of him putting us in second place,
or that he's not there for us,
or that i somehow think that he might come back,
i just want him happy.
he's slaved so much his whole life,
from not much education to being where he is today.
he's still that special man in my life,
yes i'm daddy's little girl.


i think he'll come for my game this week.
better not be with the 2 chinese sputing people.
because lose balls fly everywhere, and they fly hard.

tomorrow's game,
SRC vs BUCKS.
at farrer park, 3pm.

happy.

im more then grateful that i have people who've constantly supported
and motivated and been there for me,
even some from unexpected people which means doubly more.
"just be happy" they'll say.
and now the time has come,
where i feel that i've let them,
and myself down.

i dont know how to be happy anymore,
and it kills me to know,
that i do not.

truenessbruness

Overview For Today: June 27, 2007

Daily Horoscope
It's a time of discovery for you. All of your concerns and questions will dissipate when you realize that your intuition was right on the money all along. Pat yourself on the back, but use both arms -- you'll need them.

Daily Singles
If ideal people aren't beating down your door, it's time to reevaluate your approach. Are you waiting and seeing? You'll need to get out there and do some meeting and greeting instead!

naomi's19th

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY NAOMI LEE POI SAN!




so my rented getz car was up to great use.
from the late night before in the west side,
pokerpoker.
and next day early morning picking up of people to head down to the bday site
picking up the birthday girl and kidnapping her there.

SURPRISE!


she didnt expect there to be
1) so many people

2) to be at MACDONALDS

even on the way to pick her at the initial plan of 1145 at commonwealth.
she was there by 1126 when she msged,
"hey i'm here already, didnt know it'll take this fast. we going holland v right?
hope its ok that i'm in slippers, hehe!:)"

when we reached there and i was parking,
"I KNOW! WE'RE AT THE BEACH!!"
to think we were afraid she could smell the burgers and stuff.
pffft.



but she screamed once we removed the blindfold.
weeeeeeeeee












had happy meals, games which blue team won!
and musical chairs where xavier and merdin won! wee :)
cake cutting and lester ate a balloon! :S




THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING!



lu, agnes, chels, lester, xavier, qy, aisyah, darren, de li, eugene, merdin, claire, shawn, us and the birthday girl.


the guys went to vivo for dim sum,
the girls squeezed into the car for some drive around,
ended up in town. starbucks it was.
then borders browsing.
rachel and i left the girls, i was tired :(
we went for a drive about. but we did something we couldnt get to do,


BUY FOOD AND EAT IN THE CAR!
WAHAHAH!!

we were adventerous and wanted to try yong tau foo.
SIAO.
we settled for sushi :)
and it was good.
its nice to have a person in the passenger seat to dose my sushis with soy sauce,and i pop em into my mouth systematically when i stop at traffic lights.
of corse the memoriable one where she said 'keep your eyes on the road, open your mouth'

we went to pick bird and headed to 85 market then sent her home.
then drove down to boon keng to return the car,
we were way early so we just drove down the road, all the way to serengoon.
and i got honked for the first time!
just coz i wanted to u-turn to the other side of the one way street to head in the other direction,
so i drove through this alley way, and OMG was it filled with indians who walk on the road like its india!
so i drive damn slow to avoid them, especially seeing how my horn is spoilt,
and then the uncle behind HORN ME! wah thanks.
and i realise that somehow people on the road always give way to me.
maybe its the p-plate, or that i'm a lady and they scared of me. WAHAH .
i love the drive with you darlin',
i think u got to see a stupid side of me that you never seen when i comment on other drivers.
and it was a nice quiet time we havnt had in a long while.



oh man, school's starting, can you feel it? :(

when i got home i realise how much of a green day i had.



















of corse there were the shrek ear we took home,
somehow i ended up with 5.





















the green bag i used today















the happy meal balloon i took :)
against my green snake and pillows




















the green jello i was having. YUM.

the how i look like through a jello picture :)


and not forgetting, the green HUNG UP COMPUTER that SUDDENLY k.o.ed on my ass.



must love green <3

sexy back

game #2 this weekend at PA,
for the SRC side.
here's another flyer.
this time, with my bumbum in it.




nicely with the VB somemore.
sexy back.
with the SRU logo nicely on the ref's crotch.
talk about REALLY trying to promote women's rugby.
alison nicely finishing off the tackle on the legendary serena.
i snapped the back of my head pretty painful from this i remember!
yikes
HAHA.

tmr's gon be better ;)

somuch

i can't wait to move out and be on my own.
or with friends, or my better half in time to come.
i just cant take it anymore.
this is not the "paradise" you claim you see,
its my only place.

there's only so much more i can take,
so much little of my space i'm left with.

WEEEEEE

i have half the mind of deleting most of my recent entries.
SO EMO FOR WHAT.
its not the person i am,
and its stewpid.

i guess i just havnt had a support system for so long,
thus im resorting to venting on my blog.
I NEED A BF.
there i said it HAHA.
i dont have support from home,
and theres only so much support id expect from my friends,
but its a different feeling altogther,
having a soul to come home to;
in good and bad times.

SO YES.
no more emoness please (try steph)
today was great.
i'll update on that soon coz i wanna turn in.
but tomororw will be great,
(and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow :) )
i cant contain my excitement,
TOMORROWS THE FIRST GAME OF THE LEAGUE.
im just a little afriad of screwing up :S
oh well.

YIO CHU KANG, 4PM.
HERE I COME :)

and...

HAPPY 20TH BDAY LU-ANNE!!

whatever!

this girl invented the word cute,
but, WHATEVER!

roadbump

i lied.
i still need you, very much.
more so now then ever, ever before.

pls come find me.
quick.

kick off!

first game of the season.
i'm anxious, yet scared.
in the end, i think i'll buy 4D with the number of blue-blacks i get. :)



i can't wait!

MID WEEK!

so this week has been going, alright.

week started with lunch with taz at bugis.
billy bombers.
and taz, be honoured you're the first (and only) guy i bought lunch for.
and stop feeding me with lies!
antelope's eyelashes?!??! wtf.
went for my vox interview, thought it went ok.
asked so many personal questions.
after that we went for a coffe before taz headed to work,
and i to meet tim and felix at city hall for abit,
before heading off to training.
training was awesome!
my ball is great.
just when we got onto the pitch, the rain came in,
and oh my godness,
i forgot how orgasmic like it was to play in the rain.
its like, gatorade.
loooong warm shower at home,
after desperate housewives,
and PONK k.o.

tuesday = bodyaching day.
went for project meeting in the morning.
thought it would last longer, i brought my training stuff.
then DENG DENG, 1 pm end.
i was soooooooooo tired, i thought id head home for a nap nap.
only to wake up at 6.45. GREAT.
oh well, dilema solved.
though i think perhaps i wanted to be there,
for myself.
coz i havnt given up on me yet,
amongst everything else.

and i had a weird dream. nice, but weird.

wednesday was the cca merit awards,
which was soooooooooo long and draggy.
i met shimo, then we met ifa.
presentations this year was less professional.
after getting our awards, shimo and i left to sit outside.
awaiting for the buffet tables to open seseame :)
the food was alright, i gobbled it down, before heading to uwc for training
couldnt escape this one. well, good to know that im somewhat needed.
reached there late, but WOOOHOO it was great to see numbers!
new and old faces,
and some from SRC.
esp since we're player sharing.
it made training more efficeint in a way,
that drills make more sense.
abit draggy and not as much gets done,
but it was good seeing many many pple ;)
cabbed back to the east in my stinky stinky get up after.
showered and headed to naomi's.
I'M PICTIONARY QUEEN I SWEAR.
ho ho ho.

weird dream #2, continuation of the first kinda,
weirder.

and i think i got rejected by vox. HA.
depressing la.
i just dont know where else to apply.
oh well.
lets see what today brings.
i'm on a constant tuesday thursday dilema.
because i'm just, unsure.
and i hate being unsure.
like how i'm unsure if my mum will let me have the keys,
after seeing how i CAN DRIVE, and how i drove myself to bugis on monday,
and that she'll be away for the weekend and that instead of letting the car rot at home,
SHE SHOULD LET ME DRIVE
:(

i sometimes wish people would trust me enough
to know that i know what i'm doing,
or that i'm trying,
so meet me halfway.
coz these are the things that leaves me crushed.

big girls don't cry

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know,
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown.
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

trashcan

so that was the emo week.
from that guy, to that thing, to that person, to that us, to those projects, to that car.
a week of numbness;
from the puffy eyes, late nights with the dark ceiling, the being stoned with what to do next, wednesday's intoxication fiesco to the 3 day marathon of confinement with the thoughts in my head.
this week is new.

"And i really get that you don't really wanna know what's going on with me, or that you're concerned to know, and i'm fine with that"
i'm sorry, i lied.
i'm not as fine as i'd like to be.
you are there, and i am here,
a million lightyears away would seem just a second,
if you could only meet me halfway.
but i'd rather pull out before i get pushed out.
i can't help but think it's just me when it comes to these kinda things,
i don't meet guys who i can keep.
and i don't meet guys who i can keep.
it's like i'm almost radioactive,
and everynight i just imagine what its like to be cuddled from behind,
in this thing called love.
so goodbye to you.

i guess i overcame a mountain with my mum today,
when i asked her to join us for dinner.
yes, i only wanted the car, which has been sitting at home for 2 days but NOOOO.
she wasn't well yet her eyes beamed of appreciation of the gesture.
halfway with the sit-down at starbucks she called me to take her to the docs.
i rushed back home to drive her there.
to the docs and back. yes i still wanted the car.
and i'm just appalled by the person i've turned into.
but just sometimes i wished she'd give me credit where its due,
and she'll see how much i'm trying to open her blind eyes.
(besides, she prolly fell sick on night watch duty of that key. plus even when she's sick, she's a ninja with hiding it. its NOWHERE to be found, swear. sigh. what a bitch i am)

so yes. why do i let emotions get the better of me?
because sometimes the heart is too hard to ignore,
that the brain wants in on the funfair.
i cant blame how people react or act towards me,
i was prolly a part of the root of a cause anyways.
but its hard sometimes,
its hard not knowing what caused it all,
what ifs, the what's to come,
and what possibly could be next?

i've got this whole week to keep me busy.
i'm gonna make the most out of it,
and just click and drag the folder of this past week into the trash can.



people always leave.
lesson learnt; never rely on anyone buy you.

you childish scumbag, insecurly arrogant, two-faced. bitch.

goodbye

love is blind,

and i was blinded by you.

goodbye my friend.

you have been the one for me.

crashandburnbaby

rejoice. you all have won.
arn't you glad.

it all started with being caught in the ruck of your ruthless selection
and segretion of what use to be a great escape
in a team where i found sooooo many good friends
till you snorts came in thinking you rule the place.

i feel no more obligation to be nice,
or forgive the people you all appear to be.
i've had to pay for the consequence of your selfish actions,
and conciously sacrifce something which i love and worked hard for.
but of course, you dont see.
because you're doing great arnt you.

so just when i think, i should continue to hold things in high redard,
as i have all along ever since my passion expanded into another area
and i could lose one or the other.
i chose to go with my priority,
only to have reality scream in my face,
on how you can squirm around policies and get away with things,
when people like me, victomised by what you started
just lose in a fight i didnt start,
dead, before even stepping on the battle field.

i don't know you. all of you.
in whatever you do, its a silence mockery laugh.
all your fake faces.
there's still all this going behind backs.
you all want this, take it.
at least i made decisions and actions while withholding my integrity and loyalties.

i just hope by some miracle,
you realise the magnitude of all your actions,
maybe not to me, but the people indirectly affected as well.
in all that you do, you just show me that you don't need me.
and maybe you really don't.
but neither do i need this.
because i'm losing out to people who aint even playing a fair game.
but you wouldn't stop to think,
or stop to care.

arn't you all glad that i'm gone?
no more bitch on the field?
no more need of pretence?
you push me away and away from you all,
then i have to kick myself in the heart to decide should i just stay.
only to find out, "we're better, we don't need you"
but its my decision.

and from all the nonsense i get
and the resentment i have from all this bullshit.
i'm leaving.
i chose contact.
because if people don't care,
sometimes you tend not too, as well.
and more often then not,
the people who pay arnt those who cost everything in the first place.

my only regret lies with the people i leave behind. whom i can't share the stage with anymore, this last fight we have, before we graduate from this shit hole of hell. i love you so much,for being the person you are to me.going through what we've been dealt,i wouldn't give it to the world, and nobody needs to know what everything felt like.i relived it everything we're together.

and after it all,
i realise i don't hate you, and never did.
i just hate the things you do,
or things you don't.
and how you allow everything to escalate into something people but yourselves,
get caught in and hurt by.

shouldn't you be happy now,
to see me crumble.
i hope you feel good knowing,
how you let this girl sleep at night
with an extinguished flame in her heart
which you didn't bother taking care of, or fixing
you've all just really hurt me.

and i hate that.




the end.

begone

i dont know how to put into words how i feel,
and how the world is dealing me so much at once that its making my head spin.
i'm just pushed deeper into my dark corner, creeping on all fours.
stab the pain in my heart why don't you.
let me run away from it all,
turn my back and just run.

only to never return.

its a secret wanting.

like a song u cant stop humming,

or loving something you cannot love.

and the knowing how much to keep walking

from the things you thought you could love.

numb

i hate not being in control.
just one thing, after the next, after the next.
it just never ends

first, there is you.
and how i had no control over how i met you,
and how you just, went away.
i didnt know i could feel or think in this way, about you or anyone.
then again, i never saw it coming.
and how everything reminds me of you.
i really just need you right now.
to warm this cold cold world.
tell me everything is alright,
because right now, all i need is you.
oh what i'd give.

and now the new situation of which i have to make a descision,
which i don't wanna make.
its like asking me to chose between my arms or legs.
i can't decide. not when i want both.
everytime i think about it, i just want to break down and cry in helplessness.
its eating me up from within.
the one thing that i ever thought i may be doing right,
has to be wrong.
the ball's not in my court.
i dont like how things has turned out.
and i can't cope with the repercussions.

sometimes i wish you'd be on my side.
instead of being against me.
its just sad that you never believed in me,
or that i know you didnt even try.
i just need your affirmation,
maybe just from anyone,
but from you the most,
seeing how there wasnt a first from you.
i know its hard for you to cope,
but if you keep this up, its gonna be harder for the both of us.
you really don't know how much you're hurting me.



all of you.
its been awhile since i had a good cry,
and it feels like rebirth.
i just wanna curl up like a child,
turn my back to misery.
everything is just numb.
i wish 10millions miles was just next door.

istolemyfreedom

i stole my freedom!

haha!
i stole my mum's car keys.
it was sitting there, so
VROOM i left.
with sean in the passenger seat.
some kinda road directory you are,
making me miss turnings and turning at last minutes.

town to pick up rachel and tanya,
3 am pls.
then to simpang.
till 5 when i dropped em off.
to home it was,
rushing to beat the 6 o'clock alarm of the owner of the keys .
made it! WOO!


and i just wanna do it again.
and i just wish you would trust me more,
and open up, to give me the space to open up to you.
with so much turmoil in my mind and heart,
i just wished you know,
how much i need you here,
rather then there.
my load's become inevitably too heavy.
help me.