pumping iron

fickle and unpredictable.

hot and cold.

you're like the weather,

which i'm always stuck in.

take it or leave it.

second guessing is beneath me

at least its not something i need.

is a mindphuck i try to deny.

i need to know

surely, there'll be sun

for a long time.

do you know? or care?

happy pride.

never in my life have i seen, and most of all be surrounded
by so many happy people.
truly happy to be who they are, so free spirited
almost hippie love.

undoubtedly, my best perth experience thus far,
with perfect sun and great company of my almost neighbour charlene.
great bands, food and beer, and happy people.
gives red bull a run for their money, or their wings really.

started out dodgy with my leaky water bottle in my bag
causing a swimming pool and a half-past-ten handphone
and a K.O.-ed ipod :(
so got changed out of my drowning bag and finally made our way down.

bus train walk lost walk YAY.
and some people are just scary. plain scary.
'aie u, give me money ay. give me your money bag ay'
this trashy teen said, deated hiding behind a stroller with a baby
and i presume her mum next to her, only grinning away. ZOOOMG.
yes, im pansy sometimes.

so it was fair day, in celebration of the reinvention
of gay pride.
i feel more, liberated somehow. more open and free.
charlene took her shots, i took in the atmosphere.
happy faces, happy pride.

good sun good fun good music.
we prolly were on the news dancing like mad people in the background,
charlene and her air guitar.
too bad no more pride flags left to buy.
temp tats of the flag on her arm, my back.
sex dice, hers gold and black, mine glowy in the darky :)
nachos, beers, wine, fries, sausage (no bread!)
weee.
rock your hearts out.

bumped into old singapore friends on that day too.
audrey again who poor dear lost her voice
then gail and jess who ive not seen in forever.

now back to a hectic week of
work, attempts to study and start my assignment, and planning.
but i'll defo hold on to this feeling.
for a long long time.
<33

mundane

and the week's gone by, just like that.

sunday - lazy day in
initial plan was to have a day out in the sun in freo, but no sun only gloomy out.
on and off. just like how people are. so i ended up going to bull creek thinking woolys was open,
but no. so just had my subway fix. watched tropic thunder back at mine with pinky.

monday - home study
lectopias. readings. msn. facebook. attempts.

tuesday - half day
tuts in morning, lecture. home readings. one tree hill

wednesday - home study
self explanatory. repeat monday. plus landlord took us for a BIG chinese dinner at bateman. so yummy, and STUFFED. even back for cake and jelly and tea. supplies till thurs dinner, swear.
heroes season 3 with jase after, and no readings. boo.

thurday - chem labs + uni tav
lecture then lab. no ugg boots in labs steph. tiring day with 1230-430 non stop.
straight to the tav with anand. audrey was there, and singapore vanessa, then matthew, chai, leon, marlini, veena, casey, kenyan vanessa and a few others. ive dj, boogie night just too tired and not in the too dancy mood. something lurking at the back of my mind; some naggling thoughts which i dont even know what. its that stupid daunting feeling which wont go away and you just stoneeeee.

friday - home and a freo
no study tho. too busy surfing the net. freo at night. i actually ran for the bus, heels off.
caught up with matt, ravi, this chick and new friend nigel.
thought to newport, but metros instead. HWET :( not financially and mentally prepared for that detour. so i headed to newport for abit myself after. left in time to grab some fries and catch the last bus home, myself.

saturday - interview with the hawks
had a 9am interview at subway. you're hired :) hwet. light grocery shopping then home.
no toilet cleaning coz the housemate was still zzzz.
ended up catching the footy finals with jase over lunch and beers at some place in oxford in leeder. i think ive finally grasped (most of) footy. YAY HAWKS!
and then chilled out over stupid aussie tv and movies - cars *beep beep*

well, that was it. as mundane as i try not to make it seem.

babies 'r' gorgeous

the sun's chasing the rainclouds on my head away! :)

i texted uncle dons early this morn to ask for directions
to god knows where MALAGA is in perth.
freaking like, 10,00 miles away from the moon.
and turns out uncle dons was just 5 mins away from, wherever.
so YIPPEE.
he picked it up on my behalf. awesomee.

he came over mine to drop of the cards,
and we even went to see baby ignatius!

he's just precious, boy is he gonna be hawt and gorgeous.
bernie was just glowing with beauty.
lovely arvo for me, most defos!


and he does his one eye open/closed stint. cute.
but this one, takes the cake! :)


HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

back to school to meet the groupies to finish off the transect.
big load off. met jason right after for a beer, some take away chinese,
and a muscle man movie at his. omg ARNIE?! wtf. HAHA
home after, early night. not quite.
lets just blame my unability to control my addiction to the new seasons of
one tree hill, heroes, desperate housewives (caught up, waiting new one!)
yeah. awesome, la.

identify-more.

and so some kind soul decided to ring my phone.
apparently my theif has a conscience.
may have kept my wallet along with the transperth card, money, tongue stud and tampons in it,
but threw out all my cards including ids and bankcards,
even though ive already paid some money to get certain stuff replaced
like my padi (bloody $55 pls)
but thank god. really.
i got back what i really wanted and needed.
and i'm not the only one it happened to.

whoever you are.
just stop. salvation is your to take.
so just take it and not take wallets no more.

hermit.

i wish i could find better words
to let you know how i'm feeling
and how this is tormenting me,
at almost every slight thought of it.
how i always feel misunderstood,
and act the way i do
given all the circumstances.

and in the end,
i wish i could put my heart mind and soul on a platter,
for those who've hurt me, or i've hurt,
to see what's really going on.

and how i never meant for any of it.
i'm the new hermit.

finally fridays

i had a FINALLY perfect day
twas friday.

started off with the 'lazy to get out can't be arsed-ness'
till i rolled off and got ready.
invited matthew and bastian over for dindins.
so got the stuff ready, prepped the chicken wings and meatballs.
*FYI meat for the meatballs were from sausages.
YES sausages. i just sliced then and pretty much got the meat out
from two sausages so 3 people can share the love. haha .
so yes, got that done and set aside.
while i took a shower and went to school
data statistics test which i didnt study for went swell.
i swear its like what i did in singapore, but only called 'E MATHS'

grocery shopping with ine and audrey after at bullcreek.
overbudgetted. and ine can shop! HAH .
and so excitingly shes making cookies, yum!
and how great when we were about to go home with our big bags,
it rained. FUN.

and the best part.
matthew and bastian came over after school at about 630ish.
i didnt get anything on the stove! HAHA.
but it took me about 20 mins to get everything done.
spagetthi and meatballs and chicken wings on the side.
uncle james even threw in his green bean soup! meow.
stuffed just nicely. and we tripple teamed with the dishes.
that was awesome, and fast!!
doing the dishes never seemed so easy.
i guess you can really never ever go wrong with food, beer and PICTIONARY
awesome possem fun.
it was just a perfect chill out when its raining out.
chilled out over beers till charlene came and the games started.
was fun. perfectly fun and snuggly on the inside warmth.

bastian left to catch his bus home.
we played on abit more with our own invented version of the game
so we can carry on with 3 players.
till suddenly the storm outside sounded so bad.
so we called murdoch security to pick and send matthew back,
dropping charlene on the way back.

that ends my friday.
perfect end to my bad start of the week
and i hope i only go up from here.
weeeeeeeeeeee!

so goodnight goodnight.
sunday brunch is defo on the agenda for me.
i want and need one! :)
freooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lovin.

faith

Matthew 7:7 -Ask, Seek, Knock
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you"

when i came here, i lived with my uncle donny and his family.
soon after, i found a house just infront of my uni.
i rang them up, but because i was too far and it was late,
i didnt turn up, moreso i lost the contact number.
4 days later, i plucked a number off the noticeboard again.
it rang, and it was the same person.
i went to view the place, and got a room.
perfectly just in front of the uni, with good rent.

my aunt said, that room was meant for me.
soon enough, i began to see why.

turns out the landlord and my uncle and the family are old old friends,
with very extensive mutual circle of friends between them.
and the lady of the house, who talks alot to me,
will occasionally preech and share with me her intamate moments,
with god.

we one day, while i was cooking myself lunch,
got to talking about saints, and then lost items.
and she quoted me that verse,
which now makes alot of sense, especially after all thats been happening to me.
funnily enough, this was just before my things started going missing.

and i think its just very, suiting for me now.
like a message, apart from the feeling i get that
its not my time or place to be here now,
but a message, and a calling back to faith.
i know i have been away for so long,
too long i dont know my way back.

and all this ties back to faith, strength and belief.
the want to find, you must first seek into the unknown.
the strength to ask, and then believing you'll recieve it someday.
its just significent in my current journey of growth and
self discovery and exploration.

so i'm getting new ink.

to remind me.

(and yes, this side of me does exist sometimes, just not very often so its shocking!)

Matthew 7:7 -Ask, Seek, Knock

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

first grade

running up and about today wasnt fun,
esp without an identity, quite literally.
and money.

so getting it reported was a bitch.
esp when people arnt sympathtic or helpful.
can you believe my uni security said when i called them to report
"so what do you want me to do?"
how about for starters, your job?

so yes, even after filling the loss report form,
all the lady did was say
'ok we'll notify you if anything turns up'
and sits back at her desk to type.
so much for aussie friendliness and warmth hey?
(maybe its the spring)

and my breaking point was when i tried getting money out from the bank.
doesnt he understand MY WALLET WAS STOLEN.
i have NO CARD and NO ID and NO MONEY.
why dont you help me when ur in the position to?

i went to the international office to look for help and guidence.
and i saw nicholas.
and i couldnt help it, frustration got the better of me when almost automatacally tears welled up in my eyes and fell like bullets.
not streamed, but fell.
its just frustration to have that dark cloud thundering on my head.
baby, its raining raining.

i guess that was my brief vent of not very satisfying tears.
but it felt better to feel release.
for this and other things, jerk.

managed to rush for my student card to be made.
the IT guy refused to make me one because i have to pay $10 replacement
or have a polive report number for FOC replacement.
but see, the vicious cycle began when my wallet was stolen
and i have NO MONEY and i need my card for money
and the police phone line is busy and i havnt been able to get through
and my test needs the student id and i have no time to go to the station personally.
so yes
after much persuasion, initial battering of eyelids to not so amused smirks,
i got it, FOC.
and got through the police, not so FOC because of being on hold for FOREVER.

so i got my money out. CHECK.
rent money, CHECK.
just not so much money for groceries.
usually shop with my card and stock up for the week.
but my card comes in 2 weeks.

hopefully out of all this, i get to save some money and not overspend,
on drinks especially.


and mainly, today was my first graded test
for chemistry.
i was READY STEADY.
but when i reached the end of the paper,
i had NO TIME.
so i pretty much for certainly gave away like 7marks at least.
and that sucks

oh well, rest and relac tonight,
back to the books (did i say back or start) tmr on.
next test on friday.
and no one knows wtf is going on? HAHAH


thank god for donated beers.

id-less

to top of my not-so-upperty streak,
some asshole decided to steal my wallet from my bag during a lab session.
why does it always rain on me?
just the case of the jerks?

i hope you have genital warts, whoever you are, wherever you are.
karma will get you, so watch out.
my name is steph.

just that now i am COMPLETELY id-less
singapore id, driver's, bankcard, even my padi lisence.
plus my student card, my bus card which i just bought, aussie bank card.
and my passport only comes in at least 2 months.

woohoo.
this is the last that will get me down.

father's day

yes, its father's day here in perth.
no, you're wrong, it isnt an international day around the world.
it's 7th september here, and sometime in june back home.

wished the landlord 'happy fathers day'
and wrote in a card my housemate got him,
she's so sweet i swear.
and now he's preparing us dinner! THATS AWESOME.
plus he's making his pumpkin soup,
its the SHIZZSNIC! :)

so i texted the unlces here to wish them too.
got a callback from my godpa.
so we chatted, asked him what he was up to.
and he said nothing much, godma just came back and having something to eat.
same ol same ol day, nothing special.
and in the background you can hear
"HE'S NOT MY FATHER WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
wise words of my godmother :)
and then godpa added that the priest today said during mass
"everyone calls me father, but no one calls me daddy"

BWAHAHAHA.
to every aussie dad*
HAPPY FATHERS DAY! :)

*only applies to un-assholes

the best hugs

so i left my troubles and worries at wednesday,

and started afresh on thursday.

managed to get abit of study in,

but not as much as i initially would loved to have,

or thought i would have.

and i thought i had something to look forward to

but you're just the 'fuckin' same hey?

so thurday went by quick,

audrey had her first day at work,

and she came by after, had a quick nap.

didnt wake up so i made us dinner.

honey glazed lamb chops with roasted crushed nuts,

with cheesy corn kenels and pumpkin soup and tortelini on the side.

she woke up, we ate, pretty much everything to the bone (literally)

i swear aussie meat is super SUPER good!

orgasmic.

then for dessert, she cooked up the rest of my pancakes

and it was GODLY.

even had enough for a take away to matthew's and ravi .

campus security picked her home.

i swear they've really became out chauffers.

and it was supposedly back to the books.

but :)

friday was my favourite day of the week.

excitement?

i was gonna see family after a long long time,

for princess maddison's birthday!!

or just not studying the whole day? haha

that made me guilty!

but i got up in time to rush through my day.

figured out how i was getting to bernie's, what to get the little girlie,

and everything else just fell into place.

went to bullcreek to get the dora talking backpack.

decided i didn't test if it was working, so i pressed it on the way to the counter

"OLA AMIGO, ITS THE TALKING BACKPACK!

BACKPACK BACKPACK! BACKPACK BACKPACK"

thanks.

went ot subway to see audrey at work,

met charlene for a quickie, while i was wrapping the presents,

dean and andrew who were shopping for a father's day gift were there too

it took 4 people to wrap a 3 year old's gift.

done and left. right to cockburn.

bernie picked me up, we got some beers, half of which she donated to me! THANKS! :)

then home with the balloons.

it was a great great night.

just being around family, and surrounded by kids

who pretty much kicked my ass at guessing the barnyard animals. meow.

and its so exciting seeing her open her presents! :)

i'm glad she liked the BACKPACK BACKPACK.

actually, so do i now!

great food, beer, and family. need i say more?

it was there, then just home.

but it was more then enough for me.

did anyone tell you?

that the best hugs,

comes from a child. <3

fly away from here

to think i've not have enough setbacks.
i just got another one, right from the heart of home.

i got news my dog passed on.
my dear dino, friend and loyal companion of 12 years
left us in his sleep last night.

i know i may not been the best to him,
but i guess only he knows how much i really love him.
and our random walks out at nights.
and i'm sure he took the mickey out of me at times when i came hom drunk
and sat with him on the porch because i was locked out.

i remember how he was soooo small when we first got him,
that he could fit into the square of the gate.
i was 8 back then.
and each time he does, squirmy like a black torpedo with a fat belly
he got so happy he was literally just bouncing and just not passed the first step of steps in the house.

taking him to the beach was fun, gosh he grew so fast.
hated it when he teethed.
and that he ripped my favourite shirt once when he excitedly pounced on me.
and very much sooner, he became HUGE.
only his stout fit through the gate now.

and very much soon, he became, just the watch dog.
sadly.
and i guess he felt that too.
i'm sorry boy.
i'm sorry that our last walk was so long ago,
and that i didn't get to say goodbye.

somehow i felt that he waited out.
so why havnt i been home the past month.
another sign to tell me, it just wasnt my time to come and be here.
and i'm crying like a baby.
he was still alright when i left and hugged him before i left the airport.
and ive had news from my sister how his legs wernt holding up.

did you wait for me?
wait for me to return?
or to come back drunk again just one more time?
or to open the gate out too wide so you could run out and watch me chase after you?
wait for me to throw the ball and fetch it myself?
wait for that last walk?
did you hear my prayers for you?

and its funny, how i was on the phone with harry last night
and talking about you right then.
thinking back, pretty much 10pm when you had left us in your sleep.
about how you use to be tiny, and then not.
about how i use to be tiny too, and then not.
and that dream, that dreadful dream that i had.
you with those sad eyes.
and that has now inevitably come true.
but in the dream, i got to hug you babe.

and i'm so sorry again.
its like i heard you speak to me in the dream.
and there's nothing else i can say or do,
but i'm so sorry.
i hope you know all my heart says and feels for you.

and you'll always be in my heart.
you smelly black cow.

i love you boy,
and you're the one that i will always miss.
i will see you someday soon enough.
wait, and don't forget me love.
and this time, it'll be forever.

RIP dear Dino.
1996 - 2008

unhappy nomad.

and inevitably, i broke down.
in front of everyone.
it was like, i was possesed.
because i dont remember.
and i dont usually know how to speak my heart out so freely.
i dont even know if subconsioudy i meant anything.

i guess, i just really need support now hey.
or i need to learn, (still) how to support myself.

and i've lost my passport. BRILL.

study week this week.
in dire time;
to focus, recharge and revitalise.
tests assignments and more tests coming up.
eyes on the prize.


i still need reassurance.
and that long awaited snuggle.