the letter j(ii)

im leaving, because theres no reason for me to stay.
and beacause you've made it easy.
i missed you. its so hard when everything around me reminds me of you.
but you're indifferent.
blind to how my heart bleeds behind my half plastic smile.
deaf to my screaming pain.
almost like a stranger, you don't see me.
you're doing alright when i'm the wreck.
so why should i do this to myself when you're all good.
maybe its me who needs you.

but no more.
its closure, when you had a chance you dont take.
its something we both have to live with.
at least my concious is clear.
and i hope you'll find everything, worth it.
because i was.

still, me

the letter j

when everything is not enough,
it leaves you in shambles of second guessing yourself.
and i gave it my all, ive loved ever so passionately.
all i wanted was to be seen, like a human with a beating heart.
respected and appreciated.
i'm not second best, i screamed on deaf ears.

why do i let you beat me down?
i make myself the victim of your excuses of wrong timings.
i'm not a mistake, my decisions were.
i stood by you, and you stood by as i climbed away with battered knees.

i'm better then this, and so were the you i thought i knew.
if this is your way of getting over you hurdles, i want no part of it.
how could you be so cruel, yet you expect honesty from me.
im no a saint, but i wish this on no one.

this is my reminder of not letting myself love me less
for someone else's benefits and ignorance
you dont deserve me, and i dont deserve this.
so be happy - buy yourself a boat, a car,
a new house with a different body between your sheets everynight.

i'm done with waiting, you're not good news.
and ive been tainted by the real world where sex is the answer,
where scandals, meaningless one sided conversations and flirts keep that smile on your face.
and i thought i was the one living in denial.

how could you tear me down like this,
when ive been nothing but the best to you.
i hope youre happy now.
and eventually ill learn to be once again.

me.