=)

and theres nothing left to say,
when i dont know you anymore,
and the best thing left that i can do,
is smile and pretend everything's a-ok
while walking away.

'once' and 'always' don't go together,
i should know.
especially when fate and decisions arnt in your hands,
and when you try, insufficiently.
its so easy to know where you're needed vs wanted.

i just don't know how much further in the corner i can be pushed in.
i don't like the way my feelings are dealt with.
its just pointless, trying to convince myself.
la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa la la

just do whatever you're happy about.
maybe, its just me.
but you, you could have fought harder to be there,
in the way i needed you to be.

perhaps its no ones fault,
no one can take the blame.
but things, outcomes, situations and feelings,
could have been managed so much better.
unless this is safely the best, the only and the last resort.

i'm slowly learning how to have zero expections;
from me, or anyone.
its a wonder how i'm not already use to it,
almost as if im hoping for pigs to fly and cows to fall from the sky.

crappy scrappy weekend

and the best thing about the weekend,
was the sun.

i can't stand the sound of silence.

after a whole week of mad working since 7am in the morning,
i'd think i'd be thankful for the weekend.
esp with the scc 7s as well.
but no.
my weekend was quite shitty.

other then my moments with shimona at haji lane
and sharing a banana spilt with her after saturday's rugby.
and aruging with hadi in the car bacause he wouldnt stop making me feel worse.
to the mexican lunch for rachel's 20th
and laughing at silly rugby players making the most of the 1hr rain.

i somehow wished things were different,
though i know there's nothing i can change.
or maybe i can change me,
coz i think there's something wrong.
things don't always look up for me,
they dont go in my favour.

and i think i deserve better then this,
at least whatever i'm being dealt now;
the way i'm treated by you -
that of which i'll never come to understand.

at least try to see how i'm coping in such a circumstance,
and get to know the person you'd never come to see.
because i'm better then that.

its not like i havn't, tried and tried.
i've been keeping clear, of stepping on the cracks.
missed just enough to keep me coming back.
oh i've waited for better angels

better late then not at all.
better to make the break, then to take the fall
i wouldnt mind hanging on,
if i could find out what i'm hanging from.

still hoping better angels come to me,
it's a woman's worth.

and there is no medication for the soul.

and so far.

i've never tried as hard before to hold back my tears.
too many things at once.
i want to run away, with nowhere in mind.
the thought of running nowhere's becoming so much more appealing then the here and now.

i don't like the way things are turning out,
i don't want to be a bad person.
and i don't like it even more that there's absolutely nothing;
and nothing i can do about it.

i wish you'd realise the abuse you put me through.
the way you speak to me, belittling.
the way you look at me, as if all you see is what's in front of you,
minus a beating heart, and real emotions.

i'm only human; a struggling one,
with too heavy a load on my shoulders that i can't take for long.
there's so much dwelled up in my mind and heart and eyes.
i never figured me as one to be a quitter.

i've always hated dragging my feet.
i'm hating having too much to hate.
why i ever this hateful?

i need devine intervention,
or just support and a comforting warmth would be nice,
and assurance that somehow, things are alright.
that i'll be alright.
or just everything'll be alright.
teach me how.




so far, this is the worse i've ever been.

your winter

The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child

In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else, what else can't I do?

I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry ,but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you

Why do you choose your pain?
If you only know how much I love you

I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

A frozen image of ourselves
Innocent and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while

You read my eyes just like your diary,
oh remember, please remember

Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself,
And I don't wanna hate myself, don't wanna hurt you

If you only knew how much


and i had a dream about you.
i'm good to go away now.
i hate not knowing,
and then knowing, its not.

i miss you so.

brazilian thread.

i loved my monday.
work was slow but enough to get me by.
met shawn for dinner,
right after my bus blunder.
took 196 and didnt know where the bloody hell to alight.
went all the way to kallang or something, where i just alighted coz i saw plenty of cabs on the opposite side.
and alas, the overhead bridge was under construction so no way of getting across the massive traffic.
so just took a cab down, waited quite abit.
headed to marina to meet shawn and bought him dinner.
thai dinner was great, i always love our conversation.
the food was a little too spicy, i swear there was a small flame.
walked around, bought myself a book called "blink",
recommended by shawn, about people and first impressions.
can't wait to get to it.
also the notebook that i've always fancied, as well as a cd
which i thought i'd take a chance with coz i only loved one song.
(turns out i dont really fancy the album!)
shawn bought us ice creams, god was i stuffed!!
home it was and bumped into marli on the train.

tuesday morning i woke up feeling horrid, so i went back into bed,
but still pre occupied with work
till about noonish, i got out to get my mc,
and decided to do all my errands that i dont normally have time to do coz of work.
met lu at 2.30, she was late.
thus giving me the time to spend freaking $123 on personal items from watsons.
and to orcahrd we went, coz we wanted to get a brazilian.
i think i have a high tolerance of pain,
not too surprising when it came to me i guess.
but yeah, gosh the wax felt warm, and the lady was so friendly.
anyway, mine was done in a flash, hurt a minimal, and i was sweating. ha.
then went on to thread my brows.
it doesnt look at all bad, made it much neater,
but i just freaked out when she did the top part of the brows,
coz i always left it untouched, coz i just do. and well, bye bye :(
lu went for the brazilian, and gosh, everyone had a good giggle with her reactions.
he YEEEEOUCHes, and OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! haha.
she still perks my day up, always.
walked around, and i managed to get the cd changed.
diana krall it was.
met a few of the interns at the singapore visitor centre in their so kung-fu-ish uniforms,
poor haha, hang in there darlin! and samuel, you learn kung-fu kuku bird? :)
and i bought a pair of sunnies!
jean-luc suddenly called me and i immediately spotted him across the road.
silly man.
met shimo, and went for training.

training was good, my legs are so sleepy its almost hard to move em.
the freshies this year are zzz. no comment.
i guess everyone starts off like that, but its just a different amount they are willing to put in,
which translates into the message of a very minimal amount they expect to get out.
and because of me being half blind with no contact lenses on,
and the damn astro turf being poorly lit,
and a super hard steeden and a shitty pass,
that somehow hit my fingertips,
and my middle finger became purple for abit, and hurt for alot.
so much for high tolerance of pain.
now its just swollen and hurts with minute movements.
game time was orgasmic;
i still have my fitness in me under the layers of blabber,
lasted quite abit at quite a pace (then again its night so not too reliable, but whatever)
and best when i scored on the restart, straight run for the tri line.
and the bestest is the somewhat double loop on the wing side, resulting on a 3 on 1!
it was fuckin awesome, made my effort of coming down all fuckin worth it.
tho i hate hate hate shouting at people coz they're just blatantly not making effort.
not too surprised but quite upset knowing that its prolly inevitable that some people might think i'm a bitch.
ho hum.
i particularly loved seeing marian, suria, ruby and of corse shimo.
not to mention play with all of them .
left early coz i just couldnt stay.

so now i'm home, with my nachos on the side,
after a nice long warm bathe,
i feel so fresh and clean.
and a useless middle finger and a still achy breaky back,
and a freaking hole in my freakin wallet.
there goes my first pay cheque! literally, swear. within 2 days.
kiss goodbye.


i keep your messages, to remind me of the person you are,
and the person you make me to be.
maybe it'll be different.
and maybes gone too far.