dead beat

my mind's as dead as my heart,
so i'm just ranting everything on the top of my tired head.

if it wasnt for my reshufflment of priorities,
i really would not have given much a rat's ass.
i dont know what my priorities are now,
but i sure as hell know what's not.
so it doesnt affect me that much,
other then how it tires me just thinking about it.
and i hate thinking.
because thoughts turns to words, then turns to actions.
and ultimately, you get burned.

would you be so kind as to return that missed call?

half my brain is already sleeping now, im just tired.
and its come to my realisation that what lu told me was true.
that people misinterprit that i have something against them or unhappy about.
since its been mentioned twice in the span of a week.
and i'll admit that i'd rather run away from problems,
and that i'll leave my unhappiness (be it there or not) to be what it is.
coz sooner or later, as long as one party decides, 'hey whatever,
i'm just gonna step back, '
things will blow out fine.
that one party more often is me stepping back.

and finally i'll agree to the wise words of wesley, that you can trust no one.
ok that's abit extreme.
but be wary of who you should trust rather.
i've come to ponder, maybe i've made wrong decisions.
i've come to question why there are walls between people.
i've come to hate assumptions
i've come to realise that less is more.
i've come to be puzzled to how i might seem to some.
i've come to my consenses,
that i really dont give a damn anymore.
and that i have nothing much to look forward to.
and that everything goes in a circle,
back at square 1,
that square 1 on my 16th birthday.
that nothing's ever worth trying for sometimes.

to think that maybe i finally found the meaning of bestfriend,
and made me change my primary school mindset that 'bestfriends dont exist'
coz u cant rank friends.
slowly over the past weeks i've been hiding myself,
because all the murmurs of others pushed through.
and i've been trying to settle for second place.
though i'd admit that everything didnt turn out what i wanted,
this was the one and only thing that was worth it.

the rest can screw my tombstone.
there i've said my peace.
finally i've learnt the value of trust and how not to give it so easily.



going simpang with nigel and the boys.
hopefully drinking too.
its times like these i'd like to take comfort in thinking i'm an alcoholic.


i can't wait to escape to bangkok.
and hopefully i'll get stuck in the riots there.
that they'll have to drag a carcass back here via the chinese junk ship.