last days of 18th.

things been going swell.
i have so many things that make me smile everyday.
or rather, so many people.
and its some strange miracle that i'm starting to see things in a brighter light.
from people who use to be difficult, and otherwise undesirable situations
its all sugarcoated now.
yes, i feel like a better person.
could it be? i'm starting to love me?
wee!

mos on sat was terror.
from drinking in the cab, to brewerks to 5-10 with whisky lovers and the hot dancers.
somehow my feng sui that day bad, i keep losing 5-10 and drinking galons.
salivating in my mouth i swear!
weee! fun hor rachel :)
pictures up soon!

did i mention i'm shifting?
yes, i'm moving.
room. LOL
one floor up.
so the loft is MINE mine MINE .
its gonna be, wicked!
the best touch is my leopard bedsheets (thanks lix!)
having curtain woes. and where to chuck the huge cupboard.
if i find a place, i have so much room for extras.
like a side table, and sofa.
things left to do:
* get a room phone.
* CURTAINS (colour suggestions?)
* CD player
* DVD player for mums room so i can overtake the current one.
* Fabric dye for the 2 lazy boy chairs (thinking bloodshot red)
* DISCO BALL!
* side table
* Lava lamp bulb
* Side table lamp

alrights, its quite alot left.
by this weekend i should be moved.
at least the last FM project would be out of the way by then .
open house will be from thurs to sat.
then friendly with ntu on thurs.
ok la, open house last yr quite fun, hope this yr its the same.
dear coach just flew to South Africa last night.
i'm sure she'll be having the time of her life.
i hope she does! and bring me back many many diamonds changaling!

anyway, yesterday was the ride of my life.
for the first time in quite a long time i revisited my past.
and actually had a open heart to heart talk.
quite good. we came to the conclusion that boys, suck.
and are stooooopid.
so much so that it leaves things abrupt ends or the "its too late"
with all my "what ifs" being dashed.
and some are prolly as, if not more, bitchy then girls.
so is steph.
and so i deprived haha of her nap on the way to tp.
and answer to her "can i ask you" questions.
but yes, i did clear up alot of her doubts and hearsays.
and shared with her my lurid quite-recent-past.
AND, it felt good.
i realise after telling her my feelings and my life's why, how and why nots,
that if i didnt personally know myself,
i'd come off as bitchy and, well, BITCHY.
so after then, i wasnt so surprised as to why some people actually think of me in that way.
and dislike me, avoid me, have that little glare in their eyes when they speak to me.
or even rumors, or gossip about me, even without knowing the whole truth.
of corse i do feel the pinch in my heart,
but i dont really care.
just so long as i know who i keep close to my heart,
and know who will take care of mine.
perhaps there are many situations i could have handled better,
and many people who i could have treated dearer.
but i guess i have my reasons.
and sometimes reasons dont have to make so much sense,
and i'm not expecting many to understand.
especially when your dealing with a hyper-sensitive, constantly thinking, paranoid steph.
sometimes i dont understand me!
there must be something wrong with me
bcoz somehow i keep pushing people away,
people who try to show they care for me.
or at least i can see or feel them drift away
inevitably, i know its my fault.

but my lesson learnt, and still learning,
is that i always never know what i REALLY have.
and it'll eventually break my heart to realise how much its gone or taken away,
but perhaps not as much as how it does to the people involved first.
and that'll always be my life's regret.
i just wish i could deal with my insecurity
and my complexity of overthinking that feeds my demon named 'paranoia'
i really should learn how to put into words and have the courage to let people know,
how much they've shaped me, and my life and perspective of everything.
and as you can see, the overthinking has started.
but hafizah hamzah, i'm glad we could talk.
and I'M STILL IN SHOCK HOW MUCH YOU READ MY MIND,
especially with, you know what.
at least you're one person who bothers to get to know me,
and fess up on little snipits of ugliness between us in the pas.t.
that's the GREATEST thing anyone can do for me.
and for that my friend, i love you.
(so pls stop farting at me.)

turning 19 is like a chore!
its such an ugly number
no offence to all the 19 year oldies tho'
not looking forward to it,
not not looking forward to it. heh.
nothing beats being 18 la.

plans backed to back for the coming weeks.
these days seem so much better.
without load on my back,
somehow i could almost feel afloat.
and i realise what that load is.
its the heavy sacks of expectations;
out of people, situations, perfections, and out of myself.
for the longest time it feels like ive lost myself.
so now that i feel like im recollecting bits of me,
i hope it keeps up, or gets better.

the rainbow's never been bolder.
(but i'm still looking for the pot of gold, i want buy car! heh)
and there's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things to love.
so to that SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things.
i fucking love you.
and don't NO ONE dare rain on my parade!
join it ;)