daniel powter

today's training was horrid.

i feel that now whoever's made the team are still caught up in that excitement,
so much so that they forget the main goal of why they are even playing.
it frustrates me enough that when its made clear that im not as good as some,
i'm the only one bothered to be serious in wanting to learn my mistakes.
maybe its hypersensitve me who just desperately wants to catch up quick and proceed from there,
but chuckles and jokes and gossips just coming in the wrong time, works against me.
are we losing track, or is it just me?
its already hard enough for me to focus 100%, and now that i've found something that i want to give my all to,
its even harder to think that maybe some of us doesnt want it as much as i do,
or at least believe it is possible.
words are miniscule against actions.

this is the first ever training i felt that my efforts in wanting to make a difference is redundant.
i realised that my team's become selfish.
they forget there are people in the team as well, just coz they are silent.
who is it they are proving themselves to?
it was so disheartening and frustrating to see how making the team changed our attitudes.
complacency? excitement? pride? i dont know.
maybe its not the reason of 'making the team'
then what?
anyway i couldnt bottle up the thoughts that were in my head,
because it hurts so much to see how actions like these disables our ability to deliever so much more then we did.
and i just cried.
i just feel the team isnt playing as a team,
you're efforts arnt recognized becuase you didnt do what they expect you to.
people constantly wanted sub, even though i said i was going in.
i waited for the player to run out before taking her place,
but someone else just runs in.
once, twice, forever.
i didnt mind, just had a million thoughts.
azlina asked why i wasnt playing, why wasnt i showing people what im capable of.
that was my breaking point.
that was when i realise some were too selfish in wanting to prove themselves,
i wouldnt really blame them, theres an intense pressure to.
but really, not at the expense of another team mate.
what's this unity when you don't even see your team mate on the same side of the feild?
but it feels good to know that angie and azlina was there for me.

it hurt the most, when someone or maybe a few other, commented during the debrief,
that "people shouldnt breakdown at the sideline because it affects the whole team."
"if they want to play, do something about it."
yes its easy to say one person affects the whole team,
compare that to the margin of the whole team affecting one person.
on the feild, ignore me, fine. on the side run in to play, fine. prove yourself if you must, fine.
i dont mind being out, and from the outside point of view, from someone who believes and wants to much for the team, its hard to see how sometimes people play selfishly.
from selfishness and the need to prove themselves, it developes into an individual play.
and already with a few selfish players on the feild,
i took it upon myself to not add to that number.
i cant find of a more appropirate word for selfish.
and in the situation where i just broke down,
i admit, that didnt help in anyway, doesnt even work in my favour.
and clearly your misinterpritation of my intentions showed how much people know and understand me.
firstly, you misinterprited it. secondly, by saying it indirectly to me what does it prove?
thridly, just combine the both. saying it out fine, at least get it right.

and so i ask you again,
where is the unity?
on the contrary, while doing the cheer i couldnt say that word.


and i do give credit , love and gratitude to these people.
soup, for being the only one who didnt join in the meyham of giggles and unseriousness.
charlotte, for giving me smily-nudges in realising there was something bothering me.
ruby, for forcing me to spit out what i felt, and for knowing i was not alright because i was silent, and for actually listen to where and what she can improve on, and saying "i'll try to work on it"
shimo, for perking me up and giving me a reason to bottle up my negativity with her innocent "are you ok" look and voice.
azlina, for also pushing me to spit out my thoughts and emotions, and making me feel heard as a teammate.
angie, for being there. her words were just so impactful at that point in time. she's the only senior who makes me feel "seen"
coach marli, for still being able to maintain a straight face and make all our wrongs sound so right that it spurs us to do better. more importantly, for having the patience and strength to still believe in us, and not give up on us until we give up on ourselves.
and to my dearest ever beloved lu who stayed up late last night to paint me a picture of myself as a "special baby" even though she gave me big ears, for just being her. the same her who gives me strength to smile each trying day.