denial

so i survived a 6 day work week.

monday the usual routine,
and met danny with intentions for kebabs.
then met rachel, tim, agnes, wei kiat and muna, and ended up at pasta mania.
did i mention, danny and i are on our food quest for all the various food cravings we're having.
so far, we've done the sushi, the pasta, the salmon sandwich, even carl's jr.
hokkien mee too and laksa on seperate occasions.
next up is his bar chor mee, prawn noodles and fish and co.
recipe for a reserved position as prop.
i love haagen daz ice cream!

tuesday, routine repeated, with a few meetings.
wednesday had an event which i was involved,
i LOVE the walkies. its too cool.
the earpiece to the ear, sweeeeeeeeet
the colleagues dont say it but i know, they loved my chinese song i sang over it.
*wink*
and i swear scandinavian men are mostly carbon copies,
at least for the old foggies.
blonde hair, fair, blue eyes, sharp nose, receeding hairline.
and they're so cheeky!
one of em went into the lift, and ran back passing me him name badge
"keep this in memory of me darlin"
and another while i was escorting them into their bus
"arnt u gon hold my hand sweetheart?"
haaaaaaaaaa.
ultimate backache after long hours of standing please.

thursday short hours in the office, because of on-site briefing for the weekend at one15 marina.
i swear the marina is so luxurious,
its like a dream.
the pool area, the private dining lounge. too perfect.
thats the defination of lifestyle of the rich and famous.
i want.
and the boats, lovely.
the view, awesome.
the serenity, priceless.
the steph, dreaming.

friday was mundane, and a slight jolt of looking forward to a break on the weekend/sunday.
saturday early in the morning to sentosa.
gosh, i went to the single unisex toilet and to my horror,
this guy was taking a shit, NAKED!
god, for fuck's sake, lock the freaking toilet.
and why naked?
kept seeing him throughout the day as well,
talk about awkward, he was the conceirge, and he even called a cab for me.
surprised i recognised you with your clothes on aie?

headed to bq after.
nothing like a cold beer and good rugby on tv.
pierre lost his bet and had to walk around barefooted,
though he cheated and short lived it by going home.
PFFFT.
mos with shawn and danny, bumped into chris there.
not on top form you were, well and then neither was i.
emptiness.
i just wished my saturday ended better though.
i need comfort.
waking up on sunday feels tiring.
dont help the boss calls at noon with things for you to see to.

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass.
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim.
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon.
We can only lie to ourselves for so long.
We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth.
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world.
Head on, guns blazing.
De Nile (denial).
It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean.
So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

i'm not the sort who has the right words or actions for everything.
and i just wished i knew how to make it simple for you to see, hear, feel and understand,
every single thing that is running through my mind and churning in my heart,
only when it comes to you.

my day with kyle.

the week went by so quickly,
too quickly.
i barely had time to stop.

lazy sundays have to be the best.
this weekend's a sober one,
no reserved hang over day for me this not so sunny sunday.

and i loved my day spent with kyle.
just in bed, watching him.

the best thing i love about kyle,
is his innocence,
and how his eyes translate 'sincerity' in so many levels,
its a calming.
he's perfect.
his sexy green eyes,
with his i-wanna-run-my-fingers-through-his-nice-brown-hair,
his geeky sunshine of a smile.
like a cut and paste of a perfect face.

i feel like a stupid school girl.


you're too gorgeous kyle.
i prefer you to matt dallas.


i wouldn't hold the umbrella for you though.
you hold it for me.



and you're the perfect persona of what the 'baby boy' look is like.
or even, the goofy-i-wanna-pinch-your-cheeks look.


and i'm lovin' it! :)
my sunday would have been snorsville without you kyle xy.



and i hope you realise,
that that was your last.
because i cannot wait for you anymore.
time's not a luxury i have or you'll get,
neither does the storm in my heart.
that was my goodbye.

i had a dream last night.

oh how much i miss you.

i really do.

monday blues.

monday was alright.
time passed slowly, at first.
i cant complain,
i had more going on in my mind then in the office.
manning phone lines is weeeeeeeeeeh.
that was till work started piling.
2 differnt tasks.
am i weird that that made me excited and perked my day up?
haha.
possible overseas project? PLEASE!
stayed in the office till 7 plus ah! madness!

bussed to commonwealth to wait for stupid hadi,
who made me wait forever.
his new bike's more comfy, shorter (coz he said i was heavy, bitch)
plus! the box behind is a good back rest. so, me li-ke.
went for the geyland bazaar thing. i hate that place because it makes me wanna eat ALOT.
bumped into emily there, she just got in from england.
went to the hawker centre for food, i swear he just eats chilli soaked rice
and the main dish is the chilli.
walked somemore, i want a swift!
got more food (aiyo)
and HADIZAN, you didnt bank in my cheque!
to think everyday i checked my account, and you banked in yours! thanks.
he refused to give me the cheque to bank in because he didnt want me to see his handwritting.
sometimes, boys are so matured.
some gay dude touched his bum,
and then i walked into a damn maniquin! thanks.
in my defense, it walked into me and held my hand.
going home time plus hunting for a cheque deposit box.
stopped at kembangan, but NOPE, none there.
and we missed the one at bedok,
so we just used simei one, and at all occasions,
he refused to let me drop it, and he'd rather settle his bike, walk there, and drop it,
JUST SO I WONT SEE HIS HANDWRITTING.
geeeesh.
home sweet home all tired and all.
i'm glad i had the night out,
could sure do with more even though i'm tired.
you make me laugh la hadi.

tuesday was just none stop typing with the icy fingers.
excel sheet, research yadder.
didnt help that the server was down from 3 onwards!
couldnt finish what was due that day!
so i had to bring it home! :(
and to think i took my training stuff out,
i had to go home! i was too tired and it was too late.
i surely miss the girls, and playing with them! :(
i need affirmation back in my life!

for now, i'll just stick to my security blanket,
my favourite brown duvet.
but now i have stupid curtains coz the usual ones are in the wash.
note to self: ikea soon please!

weishemohuaizheyang

i'm not ok,
and you're not helping,
i dont know why.
maybe to you it just is, and will remain as nothing.

and i'm near the point where i don't care,
because you don't either.
that was your chance to say at least something,
but you left me hanging, again.

i can't wait this one out,
not because i don't want to, but i just cannot.
i'm too distracted and lost.
yes, lost; for words, thoughts and emotions.

i'm tired of trying to figure this whole thing out.
its weighing on my shouders and pushing me against the wall of nails.
i think i'm alone on this,
can't you just meet me halfway?

now just really, what the fucking ever.
its gone through my head enough.
i really thought i read you like a book,
i was darn sure i did.
turns out you're not the person i know you are.

whatever comes, it couldnt be any worse.
given the chance, i'll do it all again.
and things will just never be the same.
i won't be.

and i just want to see you.

love,
samantha.

whatever

my weekend went alright.

started off friday meeting daniel.
had carl's jr for dinner, and thats the furthest i've ever been with their burgers!
off to clarke quay coz danny needed to drop off posters and what not,
mohd sultan area-ish too. then it was off to dempsey road.
chels and lester had their malibu party thing they ran,
by the time we got there the free drinks ended. thanks.
but we did get one, and god was it awful! HAHA .
the belly dancer was fcuking hot! i think justin timberlake's song 'sexy back' was sung for her.
anyway, heicienda is a nice place, we sat at the bottom grassy patch.
till about 11 we left, headed to dxo for the $20 towers.
rachel and mai joined us after their shift.
and we profitted $10. :)
more food at makansutra next door, we were just being greedy i swear.
$8 hokkein meeeeeeeeeeeee. and then a slow long walk to bq for the england vs south africa game.
maximum we gave england a score of 3 off a penalty conversation.
but they disappointed us futher. a big fat ZERO.
not that i care, i'm for the south africa side,
and percy, you're too fine. you sure know how to kick some balls.
thanks jean luc for the ride back.

struggled to wake up the next day.
i need and want more sleep! :(
off to turf city for some touch.
i really miss playing with the tpiranhas.
and i enjoyed my quiet time.
off to yck with bird to catch the match and shower,
bucks won both games.
then to boat quay for dinner at macs, and for the mc flurry craving,
which i only had all but half since it started to rain and it was cold.
plus, ice cream dont go very much with beer.
caught the wales and aussie game,
pierre attempted 'extreme entertainment'.
rachel and mai came along and off to mos we went.
it was alright. mr german with the tie, your my favourite.
and i think its a macho issue where guys just dont want to spin.
frenchie boy alexis bought us shots, some funky red ones actually,
which i didnt drink! too scary.
moreso i kinda already had enough shots, complementary of 'skinny'
half the time i didnt really know what the hell i was drinking also.
bumped into becs and lena there.
daniel came along, met raymond and andy,
who bought more drinks. yikes.
stayed till lights came on, and to smoove till it closed too,
and off to breakfast we went!
mai and myself had so much fun splatting our faces onto the glass as people walked by.
its funny seeing how different people react.
and i just couldnt sleep.

woke up, the sister and the bf ordered macs.
so much for my swaering off junk food,
i had it all weekend!
put a dvd on and basically enjoyed my 'free time'
surprised i wasnt a wee bit hungover.
laksa craving taken care of during dinner. so that made me happy,
until the feeling of being stuffed settled in.
caught saw III online, it was gross! but the story line was good.
and you, it wasnt the best the way you treat me like dirt.

i can't stand your indiffrence towards me, and how i'm just a no one.
i'm not asking for much, but i think i deserve more then what i'm getting now.
its a different kind of hurt.
and yet, i'm not surprised, coming from you.
because you don't realise, and probably never will.

i'm not so much looking forward to my week of nothing.
and i can't stand too many bad days.
argh!

swell

so the internship started.
and so far, i'm lovin it!


on my first day, it was a nice welcome,
turns out andrew knows my course manager!
which makes it so intimidating!
the people here are so friendly and nice.
i feel bad that i just cannot absorb so many names at once.
i have my own desk, in this place known as the fish bowl,
where the 2 other interns from nanyang sit as well.
we are the fishies in the bowl!
i got the chance to be attached to this way cool assignment,
to observe the do's and how's of getting a event on the way.
helped out and saw how they put together their pitch presentation.
mad rush i swear, and sanjay wanted to bring me along to the pitch,
WOO HOO.
and AND, since i hadnt had lunch, he told me to eat his!
awkward, but oh well.
drove over to the building (2 blocks down)
sanjay drives madly i swear, and a lizard didnt let me into the car.
the meeting took a good 4.5 hrs!
got back to the office by like 6.25, left 20mins after.
that was my swell, first day. me li-ke.

2nd day, i didnt have much to do really.
there was a general meeting in the morning,
and i met the big boss himself.
after introductions, the interns were excused to carry on.
all i had was just to finish up the invoices that i helped kamala with.
and i was done for the day, kinda.
by the time the meeting ended it was lunch time.
so off to opposite with some of the girls to satidfy my chicken rice craving! :)
my tongue studs season now i guess,
i sometimes hardly remember that its there.
bought skittles to keep me company,
half of which lost to the birthday boy mr sanjay.
i got the mission of the day after: a delivery!
heeh, to the office 2 blocks down.
by the time i got back, there was news that someone from the next building just committed suicide.
yikes!
mum picked me up at 6 and it was home sweeeeeeeeet home.

and friday is pretty much, mundane.
i hope things picks up! my reporting bosses are all outta town.
someone PLEASE give me something to do.
england vs south africa tonight, weepiee


i'm looking forward to my weekend.

wywh

and as always, you make my day.
triple frown divided by two.
plus the still swollen and now red right eye.
you're right, about everything,
and thats just something i'm going to accept.
yes i'm the hopeless romantic who wants the upside down frown,
every single single day.
you're my favorite big red dog.




'wish you were here'

heartphuck

my right eye is so swollen and stinging since i woke up,
just suddenly,
i dont know why or how.
so im struggling to open it

and i'm feeling so in a rut right now,
in a euphoria of insecurities, frustration and upsetness.
i really wish i can believe it when people tell me i deserve to be treated better,
but i just cannot cope alone, so i just keep coming back,
even though i know i cannot rely on you.
i want to be treated better.
but you don't always get what you want.
there's just too many questions floating around in my head,
that i just want to scream into my pillow just thinking about it.
i dont know anything when it comes to you.

i allow all this to happen to me.
and its what you do to me.
i just want to be left alone,
but comfort on a shoulder would be nice.

i need to get my life pieces back together.

drastic times

sometimes the anchor around my ankles just gets too heavy,
where i feel, everything's empty.
my mind's nothing less then a whirlwind clutter,
and things/ people around me just don't help.

i just have to get away.
i need a change.

change can be good i guess,
in moderation.
and when was the last time i did something for the first time?
i just needed my mind to focus on something else,
anything but the here and now.

so drastic times calls for drastic measures,
or drastic change.
my new mechanism of coping,
other then the usual running away and avoiding everything,
coz i know, it comes back to get you.


it didnt even hurt tho, i'm still speaking normally.

i have a feeling now, i'm thriving on impulses,
and i'll just wait for repocussions.
i've got nothing to lose.

on a lighter note,
went to the hospital to visit fizah,
and her newborn baby girl.
she's such a doll.
pictures soon,
along with my overdue updates.


i need to be found, i swear.