my love

If I wrote you a symphony,

Just to say how much you mean to me

What would you do?

If I told you, you were beautiful

Would you date me on the regular?

Tell me would you?

Because, I can see us holding hands

Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand

I can see us on the country side

Sitting in the grass laying side by side

You can be my baby

You amaze me

Ain't gotta do nothin crazy

See all I want you to do is be my love

Now If I wrote you a love note

And make you smile with every word I wrote

What would you do?

mossss

mos has been like my haunt.
havnt been able to update about the last time i've been there.
which was siti k's surprise birthday on the 2nd of sept.
sheema picked me, and we picked marli and sujan.
it was their SUSPENDER party! heh.
i didnt have one, initially, coz i not SRC crew. boo.
ad, her aunt and couz was there.
anne goh, adi, alan, src pple and other rugby pple.
main arena was packed, and i swear there was racial segretion.
like the 2nd floor was the ang mo area. oh hum .
not bad crowd.
to smoove though the music was GROSS.
where is the love? some kinda superstar. EWW.
went to house section at main arena, and i swear im startin to like it.
mad dancing.
went back to smoove and it still was boring!
decided to get tenquila pops, 1-for-1.
by the time i popped one and downed it, there was a raid.
thanks la.
45 mins of bright lights .
as soon as the lights went out, everyone shouted.
and I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK!
awesome line up of songs all the way after!
london bridge, buttons etc etc.
DARN FUN!
i borrowed ad's suspenders
most fun was when i challenged alan.
he kept dancing and pulling the suspenders over his head.
so i challenged him to see who can pull higher. HEH !
and yes, the taller dude won, DUH.
though i was good competition. nly my skirt was getting higher and higer.
then we challenged, who can hook the most number of people! :)
he had 5. i think me too.
only that he took all the skinny people and still could have gone on,
i couldnt coz the suspenders clipped off of my skirt and smacked sheema and adi.
OH DEAR!
danced the night away.
and who else appeared but zul! again.
went to 54 with adi to hunt abdul down. WEEE
young hearts, run free!
mad dancing there. suspenders make u feel sexy i swear.
i saw hiM! weee! but he was already sloshed, so forget it.
went back to smoove.
danced abit more.
and ah, throughout the whole night ah,
there was this SOMEONE who kept trying to dance with me.
i couldnt tell if it was a he or she.
but she kept looking at me, or he. OH MY.
and ad just kept sheidling me away.
danced with alan. then zul
and that person actually went to touch zul's bald head
omg the traumatic look on his face!
but ya! throughout the whole night!
ok it was abit of a complement or flattery,
but it got a lil awkward.
bumped into someone who was initially alright,
till he said he was going home but he went to drank abit more
then he kinda forced himself on me as i was leaving.
i felt so violated.
maybe so because i know him and know people who know him
or that he was drunk when he did it,
or the act of forcing itself.
too bad i was too short and all i could do was push his face.
what better way to end ending the awesome night.
PFFT.

and wednesday night was fun!
well the crowd was shitty, but we had our fun.


















pre drinking on the bridge first. felix and his first gulp.
present was him, me, naomi, rachel and lu.

after we finished the bottle,
i just had to do it again.
so i wrote your name in it,
and threw it into the ocean. (river actaully, lol)
and 2 secs later, the boat came frm below the bridge!!!
any later, people would have died dude. :
then mos here we come!

loving the camera at the entrance,
free photos what, so we take like mad.
but i like this the most.
to studio 54 it was! chilling, and more pictures!
agnes was there too!
lu left to meet the rest at cube for drinks.

i love studio 54!
anyway, just got this black dress from zara. after work.
was with sam from there, and she dissappeared.
oh well.
and yes, my shoes from novo.
$100 damage ple.
and of corse, my bandage for the stitches. HEH.
mad photos with mad people.

went to smoove and we decided that we just wernt high enough .
so king albert scotch had to do.
back to the bridge!
and yes.
we couldnt finish. and i had a lovely chat with rachel .
with her i feel i could say things without anyone judging.
anyway, house, rnb, old school
we were all over mos.
naomi and i went to house,
and 2 hot dudes tried to dance with us,
and naomi, who's face constantly flashed on the screen with the oval,
coz she's miss gorgeous,
ignored them.
:/ fine.
to smoove, then 54!
my favourite.
the whole dance floor to us! WOOOO HOOOO!
blame it on the boogie.
then naomi whined about the 2 dudes, DUDE!
pfffffffffffft.
and while walking to take a seat, i tripped over a stool ah!!
omg FELL ON MY KNEE!
thanks gawd it was still in one piece.
ended off the night at house on the podium .
mad shitheads dancing their arses off.
went outside, to find again our merlion .
goodness girl.
WE FORBID YOU TO DRINK THIS MUCH AGAIN.
tsk .

anyway mos is getting from old to older news.
the crowd is getting bad.
i need to find a good place
with good people.
then i can sing the janet jackson song la.
maybe we'll meet at the bar,
he'll drive a funky car,
i'll be the girl of his dreams,
MAYBE.

wah what only.

stitched

finally i get an off yesterday!
and YES monday.
means RUGBY DAY!

went early, met lu at the bus stop with plans to gym
she got mea red bull
so tweet.
by the time we got to school,
we didnt gy,
instead we did 1 and 2 with zaki, alan and char.
by 6++ warm up game, then warm up as usual.
lateral passes and then working on defence.
so had to have live crashing attack.
and after a few rounds,
i went to take a touch a suria, when i somehow tripped over he boot while splitting to the side.
and i flew forward on all fours.
went again towards the side of the feild,
till nurul said stop,
"clean that off first, at the boot scrub"
i looked down. OMFG!!
blood till my socks!
i ran to the toilet, knowing full well the bootscrub water was leftover rainwater -_-"
by then the blood reached my boots.
plonked my thunder thigh onto the sink while splashing water onto my wound.
i could have pissed myself with the sound of the water.
i still didnt even feel pain.
had to squeeze the cut together so i could use the twisers to remove 2 impalled grass blades in it.
ive never seen vie freak out like this ever.
and i remembered how haha said she doesnt like talking in toilets coz of germs.
heh .
anyway ruby was a darling who kept helping me wash and apply cream and all.
the bleeding stopped, i sat at the side while they did drills.
marli thought i fell on my own, the clumsy style-a-way.
after that they did a try-line defence drill kinda thing.
thats when i joined in,
after the lovely haha bandanged my wound up tight tightly.
even got to play in the 10 mins of game after, weee!
oh well, thurs im not able to make training.
got chance i wont get to play on sat though ive got off.
PFFFT.
and someone kinda ruffled my feathers.
but i wont say much, due to the fact that ive gotten over it,
and i know where my time and effort should be invested in now.
i wont say as much about it, if not itd just be on the same level.

mummy came to pick me up,
and she says need stitches.
i know she means well, but could she have spoken to me better?
like as if i want to fall and want to have this cut and want to have an ugly scar.
though i still doubt it needs stitches.
what do u think?

got to the hospital by 10.
i swear its not me knee that needs stitches,
its my heart.
never have i felt much coldness before.
and i still dont comprehend why hospitals paint their walls green.
like those sickly green when they are suppose to make people feel, unsickly.
first i had to take some anti-rust jab
which i swear the nurse just jabbed my muscle or something, it still hurts BTW .
then to the operation theathre to wait.
mummy went to floss her teeth. thanks la. left me alone.
so i made friends with an indian uncle who was waiting to get stitched also
only thing is he was still bleeding!
ok so yes. long wait.
and OMFG. the anasthetic was BLOODY PAINFUL LA.
i swear the needle prolly extended to the core of my knee on the cut itself :(
darn pain .
and he could still use the needle to poke poke my leg to test if it hurts.
it didnt but NEED YOU DO THAT!
and i swear when he snipped that bit of skin off blood squirted,
not that i saw, but after it was done, i saw a blood line. heh.
didnt feel much, but i could feel when he thugged on the thread.
6 stitches! gawd
bride of frenkenstien!

yes children. be kind to your knees,
ud never know when you're going to miss them.
its so freaaaaaaaaakin hard to walk when this knee.
always at the back of my mind im soooo afraid to rip my stitches.
SO SO AFRAID.
next day working full shift somemore.
wednesday clubbing somemore.
terror.
take care knee!
and stephaknee.

thankew to the concerned people!
made everything a lil less painful and barable.

GOODBYE!! :)

dont have to be torn between 2.
because i pull myself of this rat race.
where i can never measure up,
to whom i want to be.

to already have a new begining means to already have an end.
so why try to put on a puppet show,
when its just inevitable.
yup, i knew no one can take care of my heart,
better then myself.


anyhooots.
blew another of my off days.
oh well, anyway would be the last day that im freely free.
all my other off days in weeks to come are dedicated to rugby or driving.
hannan got his lisence, pffft.
u wait u wait, i also will.
chiong ah!
advanced theory in 2 weeks,
practicals in 1 weeks time,
then mad booking of lessons.
i cant wait!
ok, today is the last day i look at things in a darker light.
i need to start painting in neons.
get back my aura and zen. LOL.
i should take yoga i swear.

here's to the night,
save me from this darkness.
oh what the heck,
GOODBYE!! :)

hypothetically.

what if i surpressed it?
is it wrong for me to want you to stay?
would you rather have me tear you away from the family you know?
or is it just too big a secret to keep it on the low?

hypothetically of corse,
are theres somethings better left unsaid.
would you want to know instead?
hypothetically of corse,
are there some wars not worth fighting,
some tears not worth crying?
hypothetically of corse,
what if this happened to you,
what would you want me to do?

would you want to know?
tell would you do?
would you walk away or would you stay?
would you want to leave the past behind us?
or are you afraid that one day it would find us?
would it even matter?
could it even matter?
should it even matter?

hypothetically of corse.

rollercoaster.

off today! !
great chance for me to catch up sleep.

ellen de genereous is freaking funny la.
anyways, work has been, tiring.
i miss the old people there,
but the new ones are kinda the same pattern .
i dont like the new managers.
i sold this guy a $299 trenchcoat, only to let one of the managers k-po
want to entertain, until in the end he dont want to buy. good for you, bitch.
met a racist customer, under my conclusion. LOL.
a customer who asked if i was eurasian and say no wonder so pretty.
not shy la steph.
yup. 3rd day and im still surviving.
2 days breaki n a row, then 2 days full.
no rugby for me at all this week.
we'll see how that goes.

hung out with rach and felix at her place.
didnt stay long. all shagged.
what was suppose to be a drinking session only resulted in 2 cans of beer. LOL.
i just need to swollow all the heartache.
but i was just too tired to even.
i swear my eye infection is coming back .
now im so confused.
and for once, i feel the ache of losing something that could have been, great.
but everything holding me back are fears and insecurity,
of myself which i come to conclude i can never get over,
which affects everyone above myself.
and this time, when i say i dont know,
i really dont.

and i think ive learnt very much to hold things back,
especially my tears.
on saturday after my game, everything just climaxed to my brink of destruction.
firstly, was the game. i just felt, blank.
because i dont know what im doing well, or not well,
but it was certainly a game that we underperformed.
was on the way to yck to catch a match,
and there everything just went mad.
almost like, it was fate shouting in my face, that it wasnt meant to be.
to i went the other way around, and just bit my lip the whole way home.
holding back the tears.
luckily i had someone who was willing to put time aside,
just to keep me company.
so i stopped at paya lebar, and by the time he arrived,
i just broke. i just cried.
i couldnt hold it anymore.
but at least im glad he took time to be there for me.
even though i didnt share much, he was patient.
he made me feel alot better by just making me not focus on the bad,
but rather the good.
yes, sometimes it helps to not talk abt the bad things,
but rather talk about nonsense stuff that makes u just smile,
coz a smile makes you forget.
or at least, lessens the impact of all the bad bad bad stuff.
for a brief time of someone who isnt always around,
its just nice to know that people you dont expect to be there,
are readily ready to be there.
which makes everything, worth a shot for struggling a little bit more.

and attitude plays a bit part.
so now i'm trying to learn how to walk with a spring in my step .
and ive just got the best news.
which reminds me to put my wants and goals in check,
to move me to do things, i love.

what a rollercoaster.

back to work.

freaking shagged.

back to work today, day 1.
i dont know anyone there!
except for shirley cashier, and mas nino's.
working full. fizah and dina
i miss them so.
got to know afew and abit abt the other girls.
floor was boring.
fit was mad.
customers are evolving into bitchy people.
leaving their clothes they tried in the fitting rooms.
#(*&$@^#%!!!
so what if have GEMS and what fuck.
doesnt give them the ticket to be inconsiderate.
fuckers.
and its true,
working around clothes too much,
makes u want to blow ur first pay cheque on most of the stuff there.
help me. sponsor me : )
trained home with siti and fizah.
glanced past a picture of you and me.
and yes, i miss u a very little bit.
but i miss being massaged more.
i missed being kissed. LOL.
i miss being given flowers.
i miss being free.
and now i'm having a mindphuck.
where i'm just numb, but aching all through my body.
and my mind's a heavy lump of mud.
but not as heavy as my eyes and eyebags.
oh my achy breaky back.

tmr got game with the blacks.
i better take a looooong nap
im uber shagged.
and i'll just snore myself to sleeeeeeep .

gdnight.

rainbows aint forever

i dont want to have to pay for mistakes,
that wasnt mine to make.
and i know the rainbow wouldn't last forever.
i just never knew it to be this fast.

everytime i act like wonderwoman.
from trying to carry loads of stuff at one shot just so i need no make a second trip,
to building a wall in my head, and welling in my mind,
thoughts that i am invincible and nothing can break me.

but who am i kidding.
it dont even take a bulldozer to remove the foundation of my wall.
so now im crumbling under the rubble.
isolated in an environment that once was second nature.

people, who once were second nature.
familiar faces have evolved to backs, walking away.
correct me if i'm wrong, but it just says alot not about me,
but those who's left behind the weak, strengthless to even cry.

is it better or worse, that i call you my friend?
its alright, you have somewhere else better to be.

yes, the rainbow doesnt last forever.
and somehow i have lingering feeling in my bones,
that something bad is going to happen.
nothing to do with me, but just, something bad.

PASSED MY BASIC!!

I PASSED MY BASIC THEORY BIIIIAATTCH!!
so did felix and ageness too!
omg my hert stop a minute before they show the results.
cheetot.
PASSED. wah. i smiles to my computer screen .
today is an AWESOME day .
i knew it the moment i woke up. :)

woke up at 8, to meet dee at 9 for marketting.
for shimo's surprise bday party!
we just bought fry-able stuff.
and we went back to mine, and left for her's at 11.
reached there, with lu and meow into her house to deco the place.
supi and yam came after .
we blew balloons,
or rather me and meow blew most of it
coz we have power lungs!
and the balloons were rubber of stone!
yes, they looked obscene, like tits and condoms and cocks.
wtf right.
had a bird, and we made a caterpiller, bee and weight out of a few.
darn cool.
we hung a 'happy birthday' streamer, and i topped it off with her name tag,
so it says "happy birthday shimo neo" and her chinese name, heh!
hid our stuff under the bed, we hid in the toilet.
saw her through the mirror when hannan brought her home,
she hesitated to go into her room, when she did,
we chionged out, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
hehe! she just smile. that one not so bad.
when we went down to cut her cake and sing song,
she kept hiding behind hannan coz she shy,
darn cute la. smile until cannot see eyes.
shimo shimo.
cannot even take photos. LOL .
the cake was good, the food by the time was already soggy.
stayed for 5 mins mre, then off to khaki ukit i went.
wanted to take a cab, which took rather long.
then a maxi cab stopped in front of me, i refuse to take,
coz i tot its expensiver.
then the lasy rationed that it was the same.
and persuaded me to take it nonetheless.
so i did, one person in the beeeeg cab,
i didnt know where to sit. HEH!.
reached also i can stand up to pay then go backto my seat to take my stuff.
terror, though the starting fee was 2.80.
its the new in rather then the merc cabs.
I AM THE KING. lol.

reached there, met felix and agness at the entrance.
and then i realise, WAH NEVER BRING IC.
an the fella REFUSE to let me in.
she bloody bitchy.
so yes, i went to counter, lucky the lady nice.
sat for the test, and PASSED lor.
even though i didnt know quite alot of the questions, LOL.
tricky shit.
but yes. heeee!
but i couldnt print my form.
neither could i apply for PDL.
coz NO IC.
stoooopid me.
i so freaking happy.
and i called shan,
and yes, she gave me the job!
even though it'll eat into my first 2 weeks of school
and some ntl's i''d have to miss :( trainings too.
triple sighs!
but i reallllly need the cash, to cover my driving.
went ot the counter, we signed up for advance and trial tests.
and i took any practical slots avaliable,
the two already have their own, so i'd be taking it alone.
the only thing that bothers me is that i still dont know how to go there by bus,
and that i'd have to find my car before the lesson through all the car parks
and confirm i kena accident.
either i trip.
or forget something,
so kena honk for anyhow crossing road. whatever.
but yessss.
815 darn early, but YAY!
excited.

gyming later.
no more zouk for me tonight. SIGh.
was quite looking forward to it.
but i paid good (and alot) of money for 100mins of practicals.
plus i need to buy concession.
then need to buy pdl tmr.
cock sure broke.
and i and wan made a pact,
to take bike lisence sugela! :) :)
prolly take it concurrently.
excited.
and getting the job is REALLY a load off my shoulders.

everything is about choices.
and i'm sure consequences would follow the ones i made.
alot of things would be affected.
for things that i'd have to forgo, or sacrifice.
personal time and space, friends, imf, school, RUGBY esp. :(
perhaps now, i'm thinking more for myself.
i need to take one day at a time ,
yet plan ahead.
im so gonna burn myself up,
and beat myself up if i lose certain things along the way.
but ive got to go down this path, for now.



to top today off, CARE BEARS ARE ON KIDS CENTRAL!!
YIPEEEE! !
lesson of the day: when happy, dont go to timo,
he'll say U SIAO.
happy = lisence to use vulgarities, to qualify emotions.
right right right.
i'm mad. FUCKING mad. LOL.

laters!

sunshine princess

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

SHIMONA & MUNA! :)
have an awesome ride through the legal world babeh!

is it me, or are people not what you thought they were.
to the one you, contant in my last thoughts before i sleep.
you're no longer there.
coz you're no longer what i thought i needed.
because i know my heart won't be in a secure place.
and i can't beat myself up thinking,
when will you ever know,
or realise that i am there.

dear you

it the things like this that you do.

that tells me in my face how important i am to you.

and why is it that each time, i always expect the same outcome,

when actually i'm expecting you to prove me wrong.

don't say you depend on me,

because it only seems that you depend on me to be there,

when others arnt.

i'll play my part, i'll go the mile,

just go that one small step for me.

i don't know what to say anymore,

it'll just be the same over and over again

that sometimes i question how much longer i can put up with this treatment

i'm hanging by a thread.

all in all,

you're not helping me find the me that i once was,

and that i can be.

that better me.

chasing cars.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace to remind me
To find my own

yuck

i feel fucking violated.