coffee and cigarettes

once in a while,
you fall back down,
into the ruckhole that makes everything else seem,
too big and massive for you to see the sun shining.

i think there's something wrong with me.
physically.
i couldnt keep up at training yesterday,
even though it was simple, light stuff.
i just felt so short of breathes, and stiffness in my muscles.
like i was going to break any moment.

then i think there's something wrong with me.
emotionally.
i don't like being suffocated by strangers, being all around me,
so close to me.
thats why i hate zouk so much.
methephorically and literally,
i need my space.
suffocation made me breatheless in angst.

and ultimately, i think there's something wrong with me.
physically and emotionally.
i don't like it when my heart and head fights each other.
the i know versus the i want.
but you dont always get what you want, or need.
sometimes you feel like you're ready,
ready again to entrust your heart and well being with someone,
who'll treat it sacredly.
and take care of your heart, more so then of you.
and it just wears me down every moment,
thinking that its more of a make-belief that will never happen, versus reality.
yes, it's me.
and so i throw in the towel.
the one that's blood and tears stained.
how could you counter your smile, and the person that you are,
with your excuses and blatant ironies?
the only irony is, i want more.
and perhaps i always will.
what else can you want,
when basically, i have nothing?

its a thunderstorm now.
perfect,
to silence out the world from my 4 walls.
there's this deep hole at the bottom of my heart,
draining every ounce of who i am or was.
it'll never return.
and the pain just surges through my body,
like jolts of lightning.
somehow, i've forgotten how to cry.