depression

i think sooner or later im going to admit myself for depression.

im so depressed about so many things.

on the top on my list.
my body.
i hate my broad shoulders and pouch of a belly.
not that i want to be the next kate moss of anything,
but i just hate it that my body matebolism is slower then a snail.
its not that i eat alot.
sometimes i can only remember eating one meal a day.
maybe im eating elephants' portions.
and i cant pin point why i look different.
as in not as cute as before.
ARGH.
and why im not as much as a cam whore now then before.

then, money.
bills bills bills and i want to get my lisence.
fucktards.

family.
i dont know what it means anymore.

friends.
i dont know who can/ will be there.

paranoia.

silence.
in my home.
around me.
in my heart.

racing thoughts which cannot translate into words because im not expressive
but ironically utterly sensitive.

scolding myself in the mirror for being plump.
being stupid for cant thinking of what to wear,
and then when shopping cant find something that appeases me and my wallet.
I DONT KNOW
my mind now is just circles
circles here, circles there.
circles circles EVERYWHERE!






WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
suddenly i thought, maybe im growing up to fast.
ive always thought i had the mind of a 68 yr old, and that was 3 yrs ago.
68 + 3 = 71 :
stupid, im not talking sense.

MORE CIRCLESSSSSSSSSSSS.
i want to just clonk myself in the head to knock some sense into me.
or maybe i just want to see stars?

oh yes, how i love stars.



now i (and you) know why depression is a mental condition.