im not ok

yes, im not alright.

i dont know what to say, and where to start.
but i guess its people not being there when i need them most.
yes, so ive been told alot of people care abt me.
i dont need to know, i need to feel,
just when i needed it most.

the game was a shitty one for me.
yet as messed up as i am, i still cant come to terms that it was entirely my fault.
but its not as if anyone bothered to just, be with me.
i dont have a problem with accepting a harsh reality,
but rather the reality that if you dont perform, you might as well just warm down, debreif and leave.
coz no one sees you for he whole day after.
overexpectations on others on my part? or a reliant weakness of my frail self esteem?
its alright, ive tasted it before. but i cant shake the feelings off.
just the preoccupation of thoughts that what if one day i do really need someone to be there.
who would be.

and my whole night was in silence.
over dinner and beers.
i was just drowning in my scattered mind.

until pop.
i just had to cry my heart out.
yet i couldnt bring myself to share whats on my mind
because i dont know who i can with.
why such a hard choice?
becuase people change. people arnt who they are all the time.
or rather they get caught up in their own moments of joy,
you become shamfully invisible.
or that people forget, and so they forget to just, listen.
so why pluck up the courage to risk my feelings on people that dont take care of my feelings,
who dont remember what it is that is bothering me.
actually i dont really care.
i just need people to remember to remember to be there.
and to remember what it is we share that makes ours friendship in the first place.
i need them to remind me how it is like to be free.
to smile.


its the simple things in life we forget.
and tmr, ill be okay, yet again.