the final letter, j.

its heartwrenching.
to feel like that secret that never existed.
thrown out and forgotten like yesterdays trash.
ive been brought on a ride, it was only good for you.
it was never me to begin with, was it.

i was the inbetweener, the rebound.
why couldnt you be proud of me?
because i wasnt good enough?
why are you so indifferent?
i was just the rebound.

and it hurts even more at how fast you want me to move on,
because you found another option to move on with.
i hope you're happy that you've crush the thread of hope i hang on to,
that belief that this world has a place for love and compassion.

i'm still that girl who pulls your shirt up from the back of the scooter,
who laughs at youur orchestra of farts, who lazes in bed with icypoles while watching tele,
who puts up with ur long phone calls when we're out together,
who watches you get pissed on 2 glasses of wine then take care of you at night,
who tells you which shoes to wear because quite frankly, your first choices doesnt match,
who says she won't kiss you till you shave but still do anyways,
who waits to have dinner with you, who wakes up early when you go to work.
i'm still that girl you sat with on the bench by the river as black swans swam past.

and when your ideal chick comes along, you don't hesitate to tell me 'move on'.
so i dont know how less a hurt to feel, that i couldn't make you stay.
that you're already intimate with someone else.
that my fear of being replaced, has happened.
that everytime the door outside my window slams,
i listen for that knock on my front door,
and now know why, that day will never come again.

i waited, and you pushed me away from behind the wall you hide behind in your heart.
i ran, and you watched me go as you took steps back into your life.
like i never happened.
you've killed me and all that i feel in that organ beating in my chest.
and i know, you've actually made your mind up,
right from the very start.

and one day, i'll find that hope once again.
if not with you, with someone else.
and i'll hang on to it.
i have too much love in my heart, to waste it on tears.

love,
the last of me.

lovelockdown

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

So you never know, never never know
Never know enough, 'til it's over, love'
Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin', "No, no, no, n-no!?

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I wanna move but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin' to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself and still keep you too

So I keep in mind when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did I tell ya for it finally got through?
You lose, you lose

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life
We're just racin? time, where's the finish line?

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I bet no one knew, I got no one new
Know I said I'm through, but got love for you
But I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to

Gotta keep it goin', keep the lovin' goin'
Keep it on a roll, only God knows
If I be with you, baby I'm confused
You choose, you choose

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I don't need you
I've been down this road, too many times before
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to

So keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, you lose

-Kayne West - Love Lockdown <3

the letter j(ii)

im leaving, because theres no reason for me to stay.
and beacause you've made it easy.
i missed you. its so hard when everything around me reminds me of you.
but you're indifferent.
blind to how my heart bleeds behind my half plastic smile.
deaf to my screaming pain.
almost like a stranger, you don't see me.
you're doing alright when i'm the wreck.
so why should i do this to myself when you're all good.
maybe its me who needs you.

but no more.
its closure, when you had a chance you dont take.
its something we both have to live with.
at least my concious is clear.
and i hope you'll find everything, worth it.
because i was.

still, me

the letter j

when everything is not enough,
it leaves you in shambles of second guessing yourself.
and i gave it my all, ive loved ever so passionately.
all i wanted was to be seen, like a human with a beating heart.
respected and appreciated.
i'm not second best, i screamed on deaf ears.

why do i let you beat me down?
i make myself the victim of your excuses of wrong timings.
i'm not a mistake, my decisions were.
i stood by you, and you stood by as i climbed away with battered knees.

i'm better then this, and so were the you i thought i knew.
if this is your way of getting over you hurdles, i want no part of it.
how could you be so cruel, yet you expect honesty from me.
im no a saint, but i wish this on no one.

this is my reminder of not letting myself love me less
for someone else's benefits and ignorance
you dont deserve me, and i dont deserve this.
so be happy - buy yourself a boat, a car,
a new house with a different body between your sheets everynight.

i'm done with waiting, you're not good news.
and ive been tainted by the real world where sex is the answer,
where scandals, meaningless one sided conversations and flirts keep that smile on your face.
and i thought i was the one living in denial.

how could you tear me down like this,
when ive been nothing but the best to you.
i hope youre happy now.
and eventually ill learn to be once again.

me.

gone fishing, FINALLY.

so finally, we've gone fishing.
straight off the streets of freo, drunk, dancing and screaming our hearts content.
are we human, or are we dancers? ha.
woodmand point was out own after party,
casting rods, basking in the sun on the pier.
all i caught was a sock, and a GIGANTIC starfish trampled into our cage.

did i mention, it was GIGANTIC?

vblay

valentines day and santa claus have alot in common.
they should take it up with the lepricorns.

january 2009

growing up in a place you're whole life,
you get bored of it after awhile.
everythings slowly changing, like ants scrambling even quicker.
slowly, home seems migratory.


so i went back to perth a month early.
spent more time being independant,
more time with people whom i dont usually do.
who'd ever thought going to the beach alone on a nice summer day was an escape.
ipod with good shuffles, cosmo, sun and sand.


got to spend my 21st undrunk as i wanted.
with friends, and family.
ive never felt so blessed.
even without a birthday cake and candle for a wish.
i think i cheated last year with two.

but i was content. i was free.
lone trips to the mall, to the grocers, to the beach.
dancing like no ones watching.
and that was my january.

i wear my heart on my sleeve and hide behind a smile.
and it felt darn good.
but there'll always be that missing piece, i cant figure what.
or its exact emotion or trigger.
i feel less then the best of me.
i think its called, a secret yearning.

but for now, i'll just twirl in the moment.
and leave bull wrestlings for tomorrows.

happyohnine

the first moments of 2009 was euphoric.
hopefully it was enough of a blast to last the whole year through.

last week in perth

my last week in perth before flying home
like a holiday before coming home.

rushed to pack all my stuff.

was going to move and stay at bernie's till friday

week started out with nandos! mr eds and aunt merles picked those up

and then me and my loads of bags up and headed to beeliar.

hard to believe maddison had just got out of surgery

she was still literally boucning off walls!

and her baby's head is made of stone. my head knows.

nandos extra spicy, yumm.

maddison made her muffins, and i came to the conclusion

that kids like to finish their last bit of chocolate snack

by smearing it all over their face.

rest of the evening and night was over bottles of wine,

more chicken, and movies till late late in the morning.

wednesday was a lazy day in.

all of us pretty much sat around in the lounge doing nothing.

i got to a little packing of what im bringing home with me.

berns made carbonara for dinner and that was shiokadoos!

had a night out with her to newport! HAHA.

and we had fun.

from guys who thought we were mother and daughter!

and who thought we were japanese, only for me to speak rubbish japanese to him,

with him replying in real japanese. OOPS.

and a group of youngin' who were having shots with us.

berns drove him early back to her babies, and had car troubles! :(

leaving her carless for about a week! oh oh.

uncle dons came over thursday morning,

made more pasta or lunch.

chilled the arvo,

dinner again was gooooooooood.

i think i just miss home cooked food.

what do you get with magazines and blu tack?

a hell of a fun idea!

with our stroke of genius,

TADA!

even the baby couldnt escape his fate! :)

more movies to end our lazy quiet day.

friday morning was a lovely day with maddison.

started off with her coming out of the bedroom

"where's daffy?"
(yes, in her stutter and slur, i am now daffy.)

i heard her all the way from the study so i hid.
and when she peered the corner i jumped out.

she gripped her bottle and went "errr err err"

kids are no fun to scare sometimes.

and guess what, there was a speck of blu tack in baby ignatius' hair!

so bring out the scissors, OOPS. ha

lunch was a lovely cheese and cracker spread

with good pate and smoked salmon

olives and sun dried tomatoes, the works.

lovely arvo in with berns maddison and val.

only champers was missing.

and guys massaging our feet and giving us a pedicure

last minute packing left maddison asking

"why you packing, where you going?"

"i'm running away from home, maddison doesnt love me"

she frowned. folded her arms in thought.

eyes lit up and started jumping around,

"but i do staffy"

"really? how much"

"THIS MUCH"

*spreads her arms as widely, still jumping*

how can you not love kids?

she was a good pair of hands helping me pack tho.

apart from picking up my stuff and playing with it.
to putting lip gloss on, to wanting to paint her nails.

to playing with my lomo so i took out the film and let her so trigger happy.

to trying on my top which looks like a dress on her.

to opening up my art supplies and so we went colour euphoric.

then uncle domonic pulled up in the drive way.

i said my goodbyes.

princess maddison refused to.

oh well. i would have done the same.

never really a fan of goodbyes

but my week's been great!

as if i were home even before i flew.

last weekend in perth

my last weekend in perth was awesome.

bastian's farewell bbq on friday.
was out shopping with charlene earlier in the day first,
then over and gotten our potatoes and legumes grilled.
turned out great.
got bastian a pair of havianas with the aussie flag.
awwww im gonna miss my newport wednesday partner! :(
and no prizes for guessing where we went after.
newport!
where i met 37 yr old derrick from nz.
and then to metros.
ended the night so so so late/early
that i had just enough time to go home, quickly shower and change
then run for my bus to work, still half wonky.

work was so frustrating.
already half drunk/hungover, the other chickies on shirt just left me to do everything.
take orders, start the orders, while they literally just stood there,
waiting for things to pop out of the oven.
to the point i was boiling and burnt from the oven,
"WRAP THAT AND GET OVER TO HELP ME OUT OVER HERE"
hated that i worked with a long grumpy face, but really coudlnt help it.
night out was better. happy birthday stu!
got to meet his gf at last, miss sarah.
and his mate andrew.
started the night at the orient, then to newport then to metros (again)
met john! oooh the curlywurly hair.
(and gross chest hair)
went back to his nearby so he'll drive me home.
walking in we were looking at stars and i was showing him which was what.
then i went to take a leak,
next thing i know, he pulled out a mattress and quilt and pillow
and we slept in the garden.
it was awesome!
and i wanna wake up in the garden, everymorning!
with purple flowers falling to the ground.

off home and to stereosonic!
freak awesome!
paul van dyke, carl cox, infected mushrooms,
you the shizznick!! :)

andddd its back to work on monday. meeeh

end sem

the 25th marked my 4th month here,
today marks the end of my semester for me.
upon opening the exam booklet i just wanted
to scream, dance, jiggle and skidadles.
becuase ive come thus far
(did help that i could answer most of it!)

how time flies.
it was just yesterday that i was unpacking my stuff,
settling in to a not so comfortable small excuse of a bed,
to now picking up my clothes, shoes, books and bags all over my floor.
everything just went by faster then i could even make sense of it.
but i survived. so did we all.

coming to an end also marks the reminanicing of friendships forged,
orientations, the birthdays, good days, bad days, sad days, mad days.

drunken nights out before madness of assignments and exams started.
and how we just saw each other through in good times and bad,
anger, sorrow and lonliness.

goodbyes are due for bastian who's leaving to his motherland.
where they have dalmatinos (dalmations)
and tiger woods evidentally means jungle in pictionary.

not to mention the occasional weekend visits to the cousin's or relatives,

which was my escape from the brink of insanity.

getting hugs from little kiddies who make you pretend to be an elephant

to scare off the lions while they hide in the cave/truck hood cover thing.

i'm going to enjoy the rest of my time, relaxing and reflecting.
before anything rash or impulsive strikes me.
and most importantly,
i'm going to live (high and mighty).

because the exams are over and my weekend is officially here!!
(till the next semester!!!)
kicking it off with a bbq with the housematies
before my week of none stop (party) hits.
booyashaka!

snippets of life.

i honestly think you can never measure a mother's love,
unless you're either mother or child,
or maybe even a mother yourself.

but i stumbled upon this blog (thanks charlene)
and was just intriged by this woman's life. and i came to this entry.

and i quote
'In you, I’ve discovered a child’s love that is so tender, so sensitive, so sweet and so whole-heartedly absolute. When you say you love me, I don’t have to search deep in your eyes to see if you mean it, because it’s splashed across your face – you really do love me.'
Karen Cheng's Snippets of Life, 2008

and you can see it all, through the turmoil she's been through,
the warmth she feels from her son who makes her a better person
and makes her apprecite life more, almost as if bouncing out of bed each day.
i think i can only imagine being that lucky to come even close. swear.
and to realise these miracle, yet alone live it, is truly a blessing.

i use to think bloggers (especially those famed ones) write
attention seeking, rants and vents and a miniture gossip column
with bad english and lifestyles of the current generation.
i know i've been guilty of these kinda entries once in awhile.

how shallow i am sometimes.
how shallow we all can be.

she's really changed my opinion
(and gave blogger hope! HA)
i truly think she's an amazing human being in every sense of the word.
and i'm a new avid reader of her blog.

ho<3me

how to you go back to a place you call home,
when it doesnt stand for what it means,
or was anymore.

not because everyone's grown older,
but more seemingly so, grown out of each other
in ways i can never comprehend;
how it happened, and why.
and what's next and what will be left.

i thought the aftermath has gone, clearly mistaken.
the repurcussions seem worse
just when i thought we were going good.

for now, i'll just try and hold on
to those that still keep the walls of home standing.
i feel so selfish, wanting what i want.
when deep down all i wanted was to make you proud,
and happily carefree, someday for a long long time.
so mum, i'm coming home.
and we'll weather it through together.

hold your own, and everything will be just fine, in time.
i just wished, as always, i had answers for everything to make sense.
and to still make me believe in things that makes ur heart tingle.
and i just want to scream and know
that you will hear my pent up emotions for once.

fattening goose.

christmas is coming, and it doesnt feel like it! :(
i remember this time last year whilst suffering at internship,
we were so happy and merry whistling in our intern 'fishbowl' corner
to christmas tunes.
id half blame it on the exams, or just the absence of everything, christmas

i want a christmas tree!
so it'll start looking
and feeling like christmas.
hanging balls and ornaments and light.
then kick back, lay on the living room floor
just watching the lights dance over baileys and jazz.

i want a christmas tree!
so i can put presents under, and secretly hunt for mine,
and smile myself to sleep thinking whats in it.
still wishful for the day i find a puppy in one of boxes with my name on it.
a puppy, with the red ribbon.

i want a christmas tree!
because i know i won't be the only one around it.
with christmas socks dangling, too small for my presents (i hope!)
and the snuggling at the foot of it over hot chocolate,
or irish it, plus marshmellows.

most of all, i want a christmas tree,
to remind me to be hopeful and happy.
and think of home thats in my heart;
and all the warmth.

do they know its christmas time at all?

exam-oh

so the exams are here.
been finishing up the last few chapters of revision the whole day
along with writing my cheat sheet that i've forgot to eat.
so yes. at 9.30(perth time) i had my breakfast lunch and dinner.
cream pasta with shrimp, YUM.

exams kick off tmr.
starting off with bullcrap data stats and ANALysis tmr evening.
then its off to a viewing in freo and some shopping after.
and back to more studying as i catch up for chemistry,
and MUG for enviro science.

and i'm still lost.
should i go or stay?
and persue something else, somewhere.
le cordon bleu, i shouldve gone with u in the first place.
or i should have just never embarked on a misadventure.

ho hum. exams end on the 27th.
thank god i dont have work (this week)
if all goes well, i'd prolly be moving out of here by the 1st.
not till STEROSONIC on the 30th YO YO YO!
i'm supposedly due back on the 5th,
but theres so many things to do here before i leave.
like catch up with the relatives, busk in the summer sun,
go on a fishing trip, sip wine in the valley and marggie river.
and do some christmas shopping.
ornaments and deco here is NOTHING like those in singapore.
swear. sumpah.

not to mention yvette and darren will be back!
so prolly ill push my flight later, *fingers crossed*
but i dont want to miss christmas at home.
nor not have time to buy presents and wrap it THERE,
coz no way in hell im buying gifts here and bringing it back,
(theres no space in my bursting luggage)

so i'm all set, ALMOST.
for tomorrow's paper. with my ALLOWED cheat shet
cramped with my oh so pretty handwritting.
its an exam after so long. im not nervous yet, hmmm..?
hopefully itll go as well as im feeling.

tho i feel, a storm's coming.
i hear it.

whatright'sleft

talk about mindphucks.
i really wonder, what people think gives them the right..

to implicate other people in their problems
in which they just can't control and make sense of,
neglecting the position and implications imposed onto people involed.
that's selfish.

to chose someone, just because you're not happy,
or that you think it's the better of the two.
not knowing how much the relationship is already estranged as it is,
not caring how much worse you'll make it for everyone when truth be told.
she's blood, i may realise but she won't.
i didnt ask for this and i dont want to hear it.
that's fcukin selfish.

to do nothing instead of something you should be,
when i could have been somewhere else i needed to be,
not bothered at how i struggled which crosswords were more entertaining,
don't take advantage of me, you and all of you.
thats only so much i can take and will stretch.
that's selfish.

i guess we all forget sometimes, how people get selfish.
and that we may laugh and smile,
but the eyes never lie.
dont overlook how i am capable of being hurt, more easily then others sometimes.
and dont overlook how i too am human,
equally capable of hate.

tho i never wanted any of this, this way.
are you saying, you're better then me?
so really, what gives any of you the bloody right,
to put someone else in a position they dont deserve,
when they can be so much better.

left orright?

and the thing about me, ive realised;
is i look so much at how things will be at the end,
before even letting it begin.
there should be a manual, especially for me.

tnereffid eb gnidne siht tel esaelp esaelp esaelp

optimism

steph's all better now.
almost.
HO HUM.
the sun's shining. so am i.
exams are coming. boo.

decisions to make - stay or go during the summer?
earlier or later? hmmm
not good indecisive one.
and im considering buying an inflatable pool? HAHA.

friday night out was awesome.
what i really needed after a long staying dark cloud.
there's better be more better days like this to come.
i will update fully (an on backlogged entries)
when i have more time and more energy! :S
too drained from work. :(

because its harder to fall, when you're optimistic.

itskillingme

and the worst part is.
i have so much more to offer,
i know it, and feel it.
i just wished better opportunities presented themselves.
and that people had more faith in me.
its so hard being half the person you know you are,
or can be.

and it kills me, everyday.
slowly.

sugar,we'regoingdown

tear my heart open, i sew myself shut.
i dont know how to deal with disappointment,
especially from people you call 'friends'.
everybody's changing and i dont feel the same.
i dont know how to make sense of anything anymore.
utter mindphuck.
no front no back, no head no tail.
no beginning and no end.
its a whirlwind, churning for awhile.
turned hurricane spiralling out of control.
leaving everything a mess.

leaving steph a mess.
how do you tell if your on the path of total destruction?
how do you find your way back to who you are,
or use to be; how things were.
will they still be there the same way you left it?
and where do you start picking up the pieces on your path of recovery.

how do you find yourself after you've gone way off track.
which way is forward?

do you follow a spinning mind or listen to an uncertain empty heart?